He only wants to get married after a drink

[squaresc]

DP has proposed a few times whilst drunk, but when he's sober he won't talk about it. I've gently broached the subject asking things like "are we still engaged" and "should we talk about this sober?" He just gets a bit stressed and the conversation tapers off.

He's asked my ring size before but no sign of a ring.

We've been together 5 years, in the process of buying a house and planning on TTC once we've moved.

He's almost 40, he (sober) had told me previously that he was planning on proposing at the end of last year. Why is it so hard?

I know a few women in relationships like this because they’d rather be with anyone than risk being alone.

Its so sad really. You get to watch all your dreams pass you by while looking after someone else’s child and settling for a second rate man who only cares about his own comfort.

Even if you strong arm him into marrying you, you’ll know he was never really ‘the one’.

Id throw caution to the wind, exit the relationship and start over. I’d rather be on my own than with a loser.

@squaresc you sound so strong (even though you may feel weak or a mug at times).

I admire how you have the strength to walk away- well done you.

At 25 / 26 you have years to find someone who deserves you and all you have to offer.

Happy birthday for tomorrow, have an amazing day however/ with whoever you spend it.

Happy birthday OP. Hope you have a lovely birthday meal with your family. Onwards and upwards!

He came home drunk again last night, more of the same crap and I've just stopped engaging (ha!).

He's changed his work pattern and now is expecting me to look after his child on weekends whilst he works? I think? He didn't ask. He didn't say DC was going back to mum's. I didn't get a response when I asked how he's going to make that work, no point talking to him when he's that drunk.

I don't know how I've been going through life accepting this bullshit for years, I just don't believe a word he says now.

He also went on a tangent about how I must hate him and his child. Not sure where that came from.

If I were you I would plan your exit secretly and quickly, he sounds like he could get quite unpleasant. Can you move in with family in the short term if you need to?

Don’t let him guilt you into staying to look after his daughter, she is his (and her mum’s) responsibility.

OP, before my ex and I broke up, he kept making excuses about house viewings. He admitted later he felt trapped and anxious, because he wanted to end the relationship, and he was just stringing me along to buy some time to figure out what he wanted to say. This feels like the same, only the reason your partner hasn't ended your relationship seems to be because he wants free childcare.

Value yourself more. You want someone who enthusiastically wants to take every step with you, and isn't just making vague promises in exchange for a free live-in babysitter.

He also went on a tangent about how I must hate him and his child. Not sure where that came from.

Tantruming because you've told him you've pulled out of the house purchase, so to go ahead he will have to fund it himself or withdraw his interest in the property also. (Unless he can find another mug ? There'll be one along in a minute I bet.)

Also, he's realised he can no long use a prospective marriage proposal as some sort of never ending carrot and stick.

He sees things in absolutes either love or hate. So, to him, you hate what you don't love. No middle ground. Far to reasonable and, frankly, adult. If you don't love him and as far as he is concerned, you've evidenced this by pulling out of the house purchase and told him not to bother with a ring. Then, you hate him. He's 40 you say ? Sounds about 15.

Oh, and as his free childcare is about to end, you must hate his daughter too.

Just wants to hurt your feelings to get back at you and get you on the back foot with accusations.

Can only talk after he's been drinking alcohol. Run, don't walk.

He's taken you for a mug for so long. Now you've wised up to him. You're about to see a different side to him.

I doubt you'll ever have a proper grown up discussion with him when he's sober.

If it's only alcohol that gives him confidence then you are better off away from him.

I'm not saying he's a problem drinker. Yet.....

Yes I feel like it's going to all come to a head. I'm disappointed that he's lied for his own gain, he doesn't care how it affects my right to choose what I want.

We've been through therapy before following a miscarriage last year and now it feels like that really sensitive man who was in those sessions with me was just telling me what I wanted to hear.

It really does feel like a Trueman Show moment. I’ve just realised sky is painted on and I don't know what's been real and what's not. The therapist said how impressed she was by his ability to be honest and introspective he's managed to trick her and I was in a false sense of security because she thought he was so great.

I thought we were coming out the other side of a dark time for me together but it's not been genuine at all.

"He also went on a tangent about how I must hate him and his child. Not sure where that came from."
It came from you saying 'no'. 'No' to buying that house, 'no' to unquestioningly picking up the childcare for his daughter, 'no' to being strung along will illusory offers of marriage. No. That's all it took.

"I don't know how I've been going through life accepting this bullshit for years, I just don't believe a word he says now."
I expect it was the 'boiled frog' analogy. Put a frog in hot water, it will instantly jump out. Put it in cold water and heat it up gradually and it will stay - and end up boiled. He'd have kept the bullshit low at first, gradually nudging you, slowly, slowly, waiting until you'd fully accepted the last nudge then pushing just a touch further. This will work for most people, so don't berate yourself for being manipulated. Berate him for manipulating you.

You got together when you were 20 and he was 35. That's a HUGE imbalance in life experience and - yes, power. Power within the relationship. He has since then been shaping you to meet his needs and wants (big deposit for a house, childcare etc.). But you're 25 now. I was a very different woman at 25 to how I was at 20. You undoubtedly are too. More confident, more able to look at a situation and see it for what it is.

A perfect marriage when drunk. Great way to spend a life, reminds me of that Greek picture. Bacchus. The god of wine. With a really tiny Willy. Not good for someone who needs a lot of passion is it?

OP,

Get your stuff together and get out quickly.

I mean it very kindly, but do not expect him to be anything but ugly and unpleasant when his skivvy aupair withdraws her services.

Don't waste your energy beating yourself up.

You've been played...big time.

He's 15 years older than you.

It's really not difficult to run rings around someone who is 15 years younger than you.

I was 25, I have also been 40, the difference in maturity, life experience,
and sheer nous is enormous.

It's not about intelligence, its about hard won life experience that you simply cannot buy.

He has told you and that therapist what he knew you wanted to hear.

Not difficult at all to do.

Be so glad you are finally seeing the truth.

He's no prize.

He's a loser user.

Be so glad you are not financially attached and put up this thread.

Clever woman.

Pack those bags.

OP,

@WhereYouLeftIt

"No. Thats all it took"

Keep re reading that!

Its the truth.

Thats all it took....No....for you to start seeing this loser for who he is.

The difference between 20-25...MASSIVE.

Don't be surprised the scales are failing from your eyes...be proud of yourself.

Your life has huge value beyond this OLD loser.

Be prepared for extremes from him for a bit - one minute crying and promising he'll marry you and he realises what a selfish shit he's been and youre everything he wants, blah, then rage that you're being "selfish" and "spiteful" and that you'll never get another man to even look at you blah blah, and a bit of "how can you do it to the child" wah wah. Be warned. They all do it, if they are fundamentally selfish like he sounds. You're taking his easy soft life away from him.

OP I have a v long-term partner and am not married by choice but what you’re describing sounds v unfair to me. For gods sake don’t have children with the guy until this is resolved.

Either he wants to get married or doesn’t, and is mature (sober) enough to have the conversation or isn’t. You’re not being unreasonable and haven’t asked for a Kardashian style wedding and have been both patient and fair in your expectations. The time for waiting is over - you get one shot in life. Ask him outright what is going on/where his head is at. You don’t want to pressure him but he equally can’t waste your time.

Good luck OP and just know your worth.

You live and learn OP. Put it down to experience. It’s great that you’re only young and have plenty of time to meet someone who wants you for you, not for the free childcare you provide.

It would have been so much harder if you were 10 years older and your body clock was ticking madly and maybe clouding your decision making. Good that you found this out before you bought a house with him and TTC as that would have made it much harder to leave once you realised he was stringing you along.

How are you op?

Hope alls ok for you.

He's asked me to put the offer back on the house, gave me a speech about how ungrateful I am that he's willing to get married, have a child and buy a property with me despite not wanting any of those things.

I'm not putting the offer back in, I'm not grateful either. I don't see how he expects me to see it as a favour, it feels more life I'm going to end up being divorced before I hit 30 and left holding the baby in a house I can't afford on my own.

I can't let myself be that vulnerable, I know relationships are about sacrifice but that's insane. Thank you for checking on.

That’s a good update @squaresc . Hope you had a great birthday meal with your family.

Onwards and upwards as they say!

Well done OP, you have absolutely nailed your likely future.

That he would spell out so clearly that he would have a child only to secure his continued use of you as free childcare tells you EXACTLY what scum he is.

Be so glad you have figured this out.

He neither loves you nor really cares about you.

He is a loser user.

Well done for being so brave.

I think he genuinely believes himself when he tells me it shows his love and devotion to me.

He's annoyed that it doesn't make me happy. But it wouldn't, would it? I told him point blank I don't want any of it with him and I feel lied to.

Other exes have asked him for it all, he's resisted them and then decided that it's some kind of prize that I should fall over myself to accept.

gave me a speech about how ungrateful I am that he's willing to get married, have a child and buy a property with me despite not wanting any of those things

So he literally told you he doesn't want to get married, and thinks you should be grateful?!

Sorry OP but I don’t like the cut of this one’s jib.

I am not someone who takes marriage very highly (I never wanted to be married; my ExH proposed because he was being a lovebombing narcissist and now we’re divorced). BUT. It’s more that your chap is disappointing you and failing to commit. I have known men like this and they’ve all either left or been so empty and absent their wives have left out of abject loneliness.

He’s negging you, albeit in a very middle aged way

Exactly.

He thinks he is some prize🙄.

Vain and delusional.

He's 15 years older than you but hasn't even got his home and has a child.

A prize he is not.

I really hope you realise that this is not a man to get financially involved with.

He is 100% looking after himself.

You are simply a means to an end.

He doesn't want marriage or a child, he wants a morgage and a home.

He's a selfish loser user.

You are well rid.