He only wants to get married after a drink

[squaresc]

DP has proposed a few times whilst drunk, but when he's sober he won't talk about it. I've gently broached the subject asking things like "are we still engaged" and "should we talk about this sober?" He just gets a bit stressed and the conversation tapers off.

He's asked my ring size before but no sign of a ring.

We've been together 5 years, in the process of buying a house and planning on TTC once we've moved.

He's almost 40, he (sober) had told me previously that he was planning on proposing at the end of last year. Why is it so hard?

Urgh I didn’t realise he was 15 years older. No, bin him.

Also isn’t this just a classic Delboy way of trying to increase his own (low) value on the market?

[poses by old, rusty Mazda, clears throat] “one LUCKY, lucky person will have the opportunity to make all the other drivers in town jealous when they become the owner of this GORGEOUS, vintage vehicle”

@squaresc You sound absolutely lovely - I am so glad that you're not going to waste any more time on this man. I was afraid you'd be heading for 40 too, but you've got loads of time to find someone who thinks you're the best thing ever and who's desperate to marry you and have children with you. As I am sure you will do! Don't allow this man to suck you back in.

This!!! ‘He's annoyed that it doesn't make me happy…Other exes have asked him for it all, he's resisted them and then decided that it's some kind of prize that I should fall over myself to accept.’ No, he is annoyed that you aren’t buying a house to give him security and he is annoyed he has to mind his own child. This man sounds absolutely loathsome. He reminds me of a friend’s ex, who nearly put her mental health over the edge and left her humiliated 6 weeks before the wedding, but at least she was rid of him.

What we mean is guys with young children often target a childless woman for free childcare.

From posts on here,they're happy to target women with kids to do it too - they seem to just think she'll conveniently extend all her meals, laundry, lifts, activities etc to his when he has them too.

He is really punching with a 25 yr old woman with no kids at 40.

And getting together with you at 20 when he was 35, I find . . Verging on creepy. It's hard for things to be truly equal when one person has life experience of nearly a generation more.

He's punching big time and he's taken advantage of you.

And yeah, I wouldn't be doing anything much for a partners child til you're together for years and married.

Better still, have your kids with a man who's not been through the while thing before with someone else, who's not paying for a child with another woman before he finds the money for your kids together. Who's not shown already he walks away from the mother of his child.

Yep.

Brilliant analogy.

He's punching and yet he can't even bring himself to commit.

Not really relationship/commitment material.

That's backed up by the fact he wasn't with his child's mother within a year (?) of her having their child.

He sounds like he has an alcohol problem in addition to everything else.

He truly does think you are his free nanny, doesn't he.

He's a user.

The "hate" thing is emotional blackmail.

What it really means is "you won't do exactly what I say for me and my child so I'll make out it's you who had the problem, and I'll guilt you by saying you must hate my child".

He got you very young.

You appear to be growing up fast and waking up.

Thank goodness.

Is marriage an absolute must for you?

I know it's very sad and hard but the miscarriage has a silver lining.

You really do not want to be having kids with this man for all the reasons posters have mentioned here.

But just to add - a 40 something man is an increasingly poor prospect for kids anyway. Autism is a recognised factor in children born of men over 40. 40 plus men as fathers have; lower chance of conception, higherchsncebof miscarriage, higher chance of abnormalities etc.

This is why fertility clinics generally don't take semen from men over 39.

Its only beginning to be researched properly and is something men naturally don't focus on - society outs all the focus on women but male age is important too.

Might I just point out as well that a certain type of man goes for 50-50 mainly to avoid child maintenance payments.

If he has his child at least 50-50 overnights, he can avoid CM.

That's a good bit of money in his pocket.

The same type of man often shunts the childcare from that arrangement onto female relatives and/or partners. Which seems to be exactly what he's done with you and continues to try to do.

He's saved himself loads of money by going 50-50 and getting you roped into child are, not having to pay for daycare etc.

He also appears to be keen in using your money towards a home.

He's an all round user.

He does pay the same amount of maintenance as when his DD was too young to stay over 50/50. This is new in the last year that her mum has allowed DD to stay as much as she does.

So he sends DDs mum money each month despite having verbally agreed to sharing equally, they have never been to court.

Thank you for letting me know, I didn't know that.

Fair enough, he may pay some CM but if it hasn't gone through the CM agency (or whatever it's called now) it could be less than he'd have to pay through official channels. It starts at 12% of salary and goes down depending on how many over nights the non resident parent has.

You don't have to go to court to get a CM arrangement; unless the non resident parent refuses to pay anything which the main resident parent is due according to CM calculations. You'd just get a CN applications against you and it would be deducted from your salary, unless they can't deduct it via an employer etc.

He's possibly got away with paying less than he would with an informal arrangement, without involving CM.

He's certainly gotten away with not paying for childcare when he himself can't do school runs or look after her by using you.

The 12% of salary thing - if the Dad is not doing overnights .. (it's actually vstikl considered minimal/laughable by many people) .... And the fact that CM is the tip of the iceberg in terms of money needed by kids growing up - hobbies, holidays, school trips, schoo.fres, education fees, tech gadgets, help on hiding ladder when older etc etc - which any decent non resident parent should be paying towards; shows why it's far from ideal to have kids with a man who already has at least one anyway. Why have your kids having to share a dad's income with kids oj other households when they could benefit from all of a Dad's income if you and he had your first child etc together.

Most men don't have the level of income for it not to effect a child.

Kids are saud to cost upward of 200k to raise - and that's an old figure.

You are only 25, and sound like you've got a decent job and have money towards getting on the housing ladder- why compromise with this washed up, drinks too much, advantage taking Dad when you don't have to.

*washed up, drinks too much, advantage taking, 40 yr old Dad

*when they could benefit from all of a Dad's income if you and he had your first child etc together.

(Thats presuming you stay together and he has no kids with other women after yours, ofc).

"He's asked me to put the offer back on the house, gave me a speech about how ungrateful I am that he's willing to get married, have a child and buy a property with me despite not wanting any of those things."
Wow, he really is a tosser. 'Despite not wanting any of those things'. As you said earlier in the thread @squaresc, you're looking for enthusiastic consent, not dragged kicking and screaming. How on earth he thinks you should be grateful for him his reluctance - well, it beggars belief.

On the plus side, he continues to demonstrate clearly and unambiguously just exactly who he is. He doesn't want marriage or another child. He knows you do and he's strung you along for 5 years, and why? Finance and free childcare. What you want is nothing to him, but he wants a bigger house and he's trying to guilt you into it. Bastard!

"I've got a viewing next week for a flat an hour away from where we live together, where my family are."
I hope your flat-hunting yields somewhere nice soon. Stay strong, you deserve so much more than this wholly inadequate man. At 40 he would seem to young to be on the lookout for 'a nurse with a purse', but frankly he does sound the type.

I used to do work on a nice hotel that does a lot of weddings; they're having to add 25 new bedrooms to cope with all the weddings & wedding guests . ... Likewise I know a wedding photographer (and there's no shortage of them around here) who is always busy.

My point is weddings are happening/people are getting married nearly every day of the week .....you, at any age but especially not at 25 yrs old, with no "baggage" (not a nice word but nonetheless ..) should not have to beg, cajole, negotiate, nag etc anyone into marrying you or be grateful someone is marrying you ..... Least of all a 40 something bloke with a child (and an apparent drinking problem).

He's clearly the commitment phobic eternal bachelor type.

The failure of his relationship with the mother of his child, within a very short time of their child being born, was the first indication of that.

Don't waste your time on that type.

You either never get commitment or you get reluctant, grumpy, resentful commitment and treated like they're doing you a flag favour .... Which is exactly the attitude he's got re this

You're a 25 yr old with no kids of your own, a job and the ability to contribute to a mortgage etc.

He's doing you zero fucking favours commuting to you.

I know everyone's different but I actually think it's shit that you've spent your youth to date in a steady relationship with a man 15 yrs older than you, helping him look after his very young child ..... Instead of being young and fancy free and doing the things early 20 somethings do (there's no better time for it) like travelling and group holidays and festivals and nights out just the sort of easy going, often impromptu fun and freedom you have when you're single or in a relationship with someone around the same age as you in your early 20s. Instead you're doing the fkg school run at 25 yrs old for a child who's not even yours and your entire relationships has been with a considerably older man with a very young child on the scene.

He's had your youth to date, he didn't deserve that and he definitely doesn't deserve your 20s and ongoing when he has to be pushed into commitment and thinks he's doing you a favour.

*a fkg favour, not a flag favour

You are a very strong and smart 25 year old. I was in a similar situation many moons ago when I was your age and it ended up going nowhere. I was crazy in love with him but as much as he promised I just wasted 9 years of my life waiting for his promises to come to fruition. Don't do that. I wish you could see through my old lady eyes what wonderful opportunities await you when you put him in your rearview. Best to you.

@squaresc
I've been reading your thread and watching for updates.
@TicketBoo23 has summed it up perfectly.
Don't waste any more of your precious youth.