Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He only wants to get married after a drink

215 replies

squaresc · 21/02/2023 16:34

DP has proposed a few times whilst drunk, but when he's sober he won't talk about it. I've gently broached the subject asking things like "are we still engaged" and "should we talk about this sober?" He just gets a bit stressed and the conversation tapers off.

He's asked my ring size before but no sign of a ring.

We've been together 5 years, in the process of buying a house and planning on TTC once we've moved.

He's almost 40, he (sober) had told me previously that he was planning on proposing at the end of last year. Why is it so hard?

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 21/02/2023 20:16

Don't buy a house with him.
Definitely don't have a baby.
Have a much better life on your own.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2023 20:19

Why would you settle for this pathetic man? Please don't be foolish enough to buy a home with him. Get shot of him and find someone who actually wants what you want, and isn't afraid to talk about it.

DPotter · 21/02/2023 20:19

Oh my lovely - step away. he's not the right one for you.

You know the saying 'enthusiastic consent' for sex - the same applies for marriage. Being drunk and saying yes to sex, isn't automatically 'enthusiastic consent' . That's the situation you find yourself in. He's stringing you along - you share the bills so he can live in a nicer, bigger place, you probably do more of the housework, share childcare for his child, on tap sex without the effort of being charming and funny.

At nearly 40 he either knows what he's doing to trap you, and if he doesn't, he's long past the point where he can know what he's doing. His behaviour would be understandable in a man of early 20s, but not 40.

So stop the house buying, find yourself somewhere else to live and spend sometime being solo.

I'm sorry - this is probably stuff you don't want to hear.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/02/2023 20:23

squaresc · 21/02/2023 20:02

Should I stop? I thought he'd come around and that it was just nerves preventing him from proposing. I don't want to pressure him into a life he doesn't even want. It's reached the point where I need to know if I should stay and keep trying or give up.

Yes, stop. He won't 'come around', this is who he is. He is stringing you along. Sorry to be so blunt, but - you provide companionship, sex, childcare for the daughter from his last relationship, and a bigger deposit than he could manage alone. He's quite the user, no?

He's also 'cockblocking' you. Whilst you are with him, you will not meet a good man who wants what you want - marriage, children, family. He won't give you that.

Original poster
squaresc · 21/02/2023 20:49

DPotter · 21/02/2023 20:19

Oh my lovely - step away. he's not the right one for you.

You know the saying 'enthusiastic consent' for sex - the same applies for marriage. Being drunk and saying yes to sex, isn't automatically 'enthusiastic consent' . That's the situation you find yourself in. He's stringing you along - you share the bills so he can live in a nicer, bigger place, you probably do more of the housework, share childcare for his child, on tap sex without the effort of being charming and funny.

At nearly 40 he either knows what he's doing to trap you, and if he doesn't, he's long past the point where he can know what he's doing. His behaviour would be understandable in a man of early 20s, but not 40.

So stop the house buying, find yourself somewhere else to live and spend sometime being solo.

I'm sorry - this is probably stuff you don't want to hear.

Enthusiastic consent is absolutely what I'm looking for. I didn't make the link, but this is absolutely invaluable to me.

It's not too much to ask for.

OP posts:
Greentree1 · 21/02/2023 20:56

How often is he drunk? That alone is a reason to be worried. If he only loves you enough to propose when he is drunk that is really a red flag. Reminds me of the drunk leaning over you at a bar saying how beautiful you are, horrible.

MsGrumpytrousers · 21/02/2023 21:02

squaresc · 21/02/2023 20:02

Should I stop? I thought he'd come around and that it was just nerves preventing him from proposing. I don't want to pressure him into a life he doesn't even want. It's reached the point where I need to know if I should stay and keep trying or give up.

You're not pressuring him into a life he doesn't want. The two of you seem to be agreeing on the life, but you see marriage as a necessary part of that and he doesn't. As others have said here, without marriage you're going to be very vulnerable.

I don't think anyone has quite suggested yet that you propose marriage yourself - why don't you? Take the initiative. I think his answer might then tell you what you need to know.

Eyerollcentral · 21/02/2023 21:15

squaresc · 21/02/2023 20:49

Enthusiastic consent is absolutely what I'm looking for. I didn't make the link, but this is absolutely invaluable to me.

It's not too much to ask for.

Show quote history

Enthusiastic consent is the very least you deserve. Lay it on the line if you want to give him another go but if he doesn’t come to you on bender knee (literally!) after that, sorry you have to call it quits for your own self worth.

Linzi2377 · 21/02/2023 21:48

My ex was like this..always false promises to me when drunk..he also had a child i helped look after when he was with us,he only proposed sober after his ex got engaged first….

Btjdkfnn · 21/02/2023 22:10

My dh asked me to marry him when drunk, 23 years ago. When he sobered up the next day, I said did you mean it and he said that he did mean it and really wanted to get married. If yours lacks the balls to even have a conversation when sober, he mustn't really want it and you should consider dumping him due to incompatible life goals.

CaramelMach · 21/02/2023 22:15

I'm sorry to say it but you are flogging a dead situation. He doesn't want to get married nor does he care.

Move on and hold your head up high. Also don't look back.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/02/2023 04:55

I would stop.
He is being really selfish and dishonest treating you in this way. This is not someone that you can trust. He knows what you want and he doesn’t care enough to either give that to you or walk away so that you can find it

Pull out of the house sale and walk away.

Original poster
squaresc · 22/02/2023 09:15

I told him this morning that I'm going to pull out of the house sale and not to bother about the ring.

No real response, there's my answer.. I suppose I'll start looking for somewhere else to live.

OP posts:
ToffeeNotCoffee · 22/02/2023 09:20

He proposes when drunk because he knows you want him to propose marriage to you. It's almost a habit, certainly a game for him.

Looking back, can you see a pattern i.e. could you count up the amount of times he's got drunk and proposed or got on the subject of marriage ? Let me guess, that inevitably leads to you having consensual sex with each other ? Yes ?

So, his (conveniently) drunk proposal is to your relationship like putting fresh batteries in a toy.

He knows all the right things to say, doesn't he ? Quite chilling, really.

He knows that when he's sobered up he can ignore what he said and probably conveniently blame it on the drink. That is disrespectful and not genuine.

How can you trust a man with your future when he has already bailed on one relationship when his child was a year old ?

Seems like you are helping him raise said child. Not your own.

You are being taken for a mug.

I wonder if he proposed marriage to his daughter's mum when drunk too ? With no follow through when sober. I wonder if she threw him out when he'd pulled that stunt for the last time ?

LadyEloise1 · 22/02/2023 09:31

PennyForearm · 21/02/2023 18:27

He has a six year old, he's quite happy to allow me to be involved in her life

Oh I'll bet he is.

Given your latest update I think you need to be asking yourself if you really want to have children with a man who left a relationship and found himself someone to be stepmum to his baby from that relationship, before the baby was much more than 1 year old.

I thought this too.

toomuchlaundry · 22/02/2023 09:33

Do you end up doing childcare?

billy1966 · 22/02/2023 09:33

OP,

Well done.

You are basically providing a house for HIS child.

He isn't interested in another child.

Do not get financially tangled up in a house, TTC with a man who doesn't want to marry you.

Having a child is such a big deal.

Much much bigger than getting married IMO.

You can divorce someone easily enough and never see them again, but once you have a child you are linked forever.

I know I'm old but the decision to get married is nowhere as large as the commitment to have a child together.

When men refuse to marry but say ok to having a child, that screams to me that they have one foot out the door and are only committed for as long as it suits THEM.

You deserve better than being used.

billy1966 · 22/02/2023 09:35

LadyEloise1 · 22/02/2023 09:31

I thought this too.

Show quote history

Agreed.🙄

Original poster
squaresc · 22/02/2023 09:35

ToffeeNotCoffee · 22/02/2023 09:20

He proposes when drunk because he knows you want him to propose marriage to you. It's almost a habit, certainly a game for him.

Looking back, can you see a pattern i.e. could you count up the amount of times he's got drunk and proposed or got on the subject of marriage ? Let me guess, that inevitably leads to you having consensual sex with each other ? Yes ?

So, his (conveniently) drunk proposal is to your relationship like putting fresh batteries in a toy.

He knows all the right things to say, doesn't he ? Quite chilling, really.

He knows that when he's sobered up he can ignore what he said and probably conveniently blame it on the drink. That is disrespectful and not genuine.

How can you trust a man with your future when he has already bailed on one relationship when his child was a year old ?

Seems like you are helping him raise said child. Not your own.

You are being taken for a mug.

I wonder if he proposed marriage to his daughter's mum when drunk too ? With no follow through when sober. I wonder if she threw him out when he'd pulled that stunt for the last time ?

No, it's not like this. He hasn't got much of a sex drive in comparison to me. He never wants sex after a drink.

He wasn't engaged to his ex, and never proposed. Her words, not his. Her and I have a good relationship so she wouldn't lie. But she didn't want marriage, so there wouldn't have been any pressure from her.

OP posts:
LadyEloise1 · 22/02/2023 09:35

squaresc · 22/02/2023 09:15

I told him this morning that I'm going to pull out of the house sale and not to bother about the ring.

No real response, there's my answer.. I suppose I'll start looking for somewhere else to live.

Oh @squaresc
That's so hard for you, your hopes snd dreams shattered but onwards and upwards. Wishing you happiness.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/02/2023 09:51

Perfectly put @LadyEloise1

Im sorry OP but well done for not pushing your feelings under the carpet and facing up to it.

Wishing you well

billy1966 · 22/02/2023 09:51

Are you involved with the childcare of HIS child?

Original poster
squaresc · 22/02/2023 09:59

billy1966 · 22/02/2023 09:51

Are you involved with the childcare of HIS child?

I do 50% of the childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
squaresc · 22/02/2023 10:00

LadyEloise1 · 22/02/2023 09:35

Oh @squaresc
That's so hard for you, your hopes snd dreams shattered but onwards and upwards. Wishing you happiness.

Show quote history

Thank you, that's really nice to read.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 22/02/2023 10:19

You do 50% of the childcare, that's a nice set up for him