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Original poster

He only wants to get married after a drink

215 replies

squaresc · 21/02/2023 16:34

DP has proposed a few times whilst drunk, but when he's sober he won't talk about it. I've gently broached the subject asking things like "are we still engaged" and "should we talk about this sober?" He just gets a bit stressed and the conversation tapers off.

He's asked my ring size before but no sign of a ring.

We've been together 5 years, in the process of buying a house and planning on TTC once we've moved.

He's almost 40, he (sober) had told me previously that he was planning on proposing at the end of last year. Why is it so hard?

OP posts:
Original poster
squaresc · 22/02/2023 16:07

FlowerArranger · 22/02/2023 16:03

I agree with PPs - he is a non-starter. Just imagine, he is 70, you are 55, and you are still busting a gut to do everything, while he's been retired for several years and does FA. And no sex!

Here, read this - it's way better than the title suggests: Women Who Love Too Much. It's a classic for a reason.

Ordered, will be here Saturday!

Thank you for the recommendation.

OP posts:
Adelais · 22/02/2023 16:12

I’m relieved to read your only 25, I was worried you were the same age as him and you’d wasted your last fertile years on a man who was stringing you along!
Youve for your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time to find someone who equally wants to get married and have kids with you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/02/2023 16:24

25? The world is your oyster! And you are a pearl who needs to value yourself more. Best wishes in your future life, without the millstone that is him dragging you down.

SpringleDingle · 22/02/2023 16:31

Advice from a boring sensible old 45 year old mum:

  • Don't settle for shit sex. It NEVER gets better, only worse. If he doesn't do it for you in month 1 then it's a long dry fanny life ahead of you.
  • If he wanted to he would. No woman ever wondered if a guy REALLY wanted to go watch that football match. If he wants something he will make it totally clear. If you aren't sure if he wants to get married and you've brought this up once and you still aren't sure then 100% he DOESN'T. If he doesn't arrange a second date promptly and enthusiastically then he doesn't want one.
  • Don't do wife-work for a guy who isn't 100% meeting your needs consistently. No boyfriend of mine (ex was a DP for 3 years, current is only a few months in) has ever done childcare.

Mostly though - don't settle for shit sex with a guy who doesn't want to marry you. Go find sheet ripping hot sex with a guy who thinks you are the world!

Eyerollcentral · 22/02/2023 17:35

Omg he is 40 and you are 25??? He is completely taking the piss. Give him his marching orders. Sorry but he has known exactly what he has been doing. He is a creep. Fgs your early twenties should be carefree without children of your own! Not doing the bloody school run and playing mummy to someone else’s child. Don’t waste any more time.

Sorchamarie · 22/02/2023 17:59

So you haven't actually broken up with him, is that right OP? From your messages you have just told him not to bother proposing and that you're not buying a house with him. Are you going to stay in a relationship with this man after he showed so little reaction to you pulling the plug on the above?

Original poster
squaresc · 22/02/2023 18:06

Sorchamarie · 22/02/2023 17:59

So you haven't actually broken up with him, is that right OP? From your messages you have just told him not to bother proposing and that you're not buying a house with him. Are you going to stay in a relationship with this man after he showed so little reaction to you pulling the plug on the above?

I've got a viewing next week for a flat an hour away from where we live together, where my family are.

I haven't told him it's a deal breaker for me yet.It's my birthday tomorrow, I think that's why I don't really want the conversation tonight.

OP posts:
1980sfookup · 22/02/2023 18:09

Elieza · 21/02/2023 18:04

He wants you around as you make his life better. Perhaps as you help him parent, or make him dinners, share the bills, or are a warm body to have free sex with.

While still keeping his options open as he’s not convinced you’re the one and secretly thinks he can do better.

Prick.

Sorry OP.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

Eyerollcentral · 22/02/2023 18:19

squaresc · 22/02/2023 18:06

I've got a viewing next week for a flat an hour away from where we live together, where my family are.

I haven't told him it's a deal breaker for me yet.It's my birthday tomorrow, I think that's why I don't really want the conversation tonight.

Show quote history

Putting it off for your birthday won’t make it any easier. Plus how bizarre that you are both going to paint on a smile and play happy families when you have told him don’t bother with a ring and I’m not buying a house with you. It sounds really like an odd relationship OP

Original poster
squaresc · 22/02/2023 18:27

Eyerollcentral · 22/02/2023 18:19

Putting it off for your birthday won’t make it any easier. Plus how bizarre that you are both going to paint on a smile and play happy families when you have told him don’t bother with a ring and I’m not buying a house with you. It sounds really like an odd relationship OP

Show quote history

I don't think it's unreasonable to avoid ending a five year relationship on my birthday?

He's working until late and I'm out with family for dinner. I've not seen him since before we both left for work this morning, I mentioned this morning not to worry. We've not spoken beyond that.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 22/02/2023 18:32

squaresc · 22/02/2023 18:27

I don't think it's unreasonable to avoid ending a five year relationship on my birthday?

He's working until late and I'm out with family for dinner. I've not seen him since before we both left for work this morning, I mentioned this morning not to worry. We've not spoken beyond that.

Show quote history

Yeah it’s fairly bizarre that he hasn’t contacted you to discuss why you no longer want to get married or buy a house with him. You do you OP I just couldn’t go around pretending everything was rosie in the garden.

CaptainMum · 22/02/2023 18:35

You're 25!! A gorgeous age of freedom and youth and choices! You don't need to be stuck with this older man who quite frankly has taken advantage of your youth, naivety and trusting nature. If he proposes now it's not from love, it's because he's lost his domestic help. Buy/rent the flat, live for yourself for a while. I wish you all the best, you sound lovely.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/02/2023 18:42

Happy birthday OP 🎉🎉

Have a lovely dinner with your family. A flat close by your family and an hour away from this guy sounds perfect. You clearly have a lot going for you.

It sounds like you are going to end the relationship and that is a good thing. The age difference, the using you - ick. You just need to spend some time thinking about what you want out of a relationship and resetting your expectations.

Can I suggest that you read the relationship board to get an idea of good boundaries, red flags etc. Then approach any future relationship with the mindset of looking for someone who can meet your needs as an equal priority. Your happiness matters too. Good luck.

AnneKipankitoo · 22/02/2023 18:47

Why tell him “not to worry “ ?

billy1966 · 22/02/2023 18:49

What on earth do your family think of this set up?

I have children justva little younger than you.

We, husband and I would be so upset at our child selling themselves so short with an old man, being used for childcare.

Wasting your 20's on a loser like him.

I am late 50's.

When you are 40, he is going to seem like such an old man, and he will be.

Why on earth do you want a child so desperately with an old man?

What a waste of your 20's.

Anniecott · 22/02/2023 18:55

Sorry not read the whole thread but my other half used to do this, also proposed when drunk but I knew he was drunk so told him to shut up, one fateful evening I didn't realise he was and said yes, next morning I started talking about rings and he had no idea what I was talking about and it dawned on me, he'd done it again. I categorically told him then and there if he ever asked me again without meaning it I was off, I was not having that carrot dangled in front of me, as I'd already made it obvious what I wanted by accidentally accepting.
Fast forward 24 yrs we are very happily married as the next time, he asked, not long after he was very much sober.
You just need to be honest and tell him it hurts you and not put up with it.

Ginger1982 · 22/02/2023 18:58

Why gave you not given him an ultimatum? Why are so many women so passive about this? You'll end up back posting here in 5 years with 2 kids, no job and still waiting on a proposal.

Original poster
squaresc · 22/02/2023 19:14

AnneKipankitoo · 22/02/2023 18:47

Why tell him “not to worry “ ?

"Don't worry about the ring. I'm not going to ask again. I'm withdrawing the offer on the house." I said to him this morning. He mentioned asking his boss for a raise and I said "Don't worry about that either, I'm withdrawing the offer".

This was as we were both getting ready to leave the house, I haven't spoken to him for the rest of the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
squaresc · 22/02/2023 19:17

Ginger1982 · 22/02/2023 18:58

Why gave you not given him an ultimatum? Why are so many women so passive about this? You'll end up back posting here in 5 years with 2 kids, no job and still waiting on a proposal.

I am past the point of giving an ultimatum, I've been awakened by PP teaching me about 'enthusiastic consent'.

I don't want to beg or ask again, he knows what he's doing it seems

OP posts:
AnneKipankitoo · 22/02/2023 19:25

Ah thanks @squaresc
Enjoy your birthday meal with your family.

TheIsleOfTheLost · 22/02/2023 19:38

Sorry it's been a waste of life op. Still, better to find out now than 5 years down the line where he has used you to get a mortgage, free childcare and general housekeeping. Plus I would question whether he wants another child at all, you said after marriage and he won't marry. You still have a long time to gave some fun and find someone decent to settle down with. Moat people I know didn't start having kids until they were in their 30's.

Emmamoo89 · 22/02/2023 19:39

I don't think he want to

Userengage · 22/02/2023 19:55

At 25 you should not be begging a man to marry you, especially a man of 40. At no age should you be waiting on a man to propose. He’s too old for you, your life is just beginning - get out there without him. Men like him prefer to date young, inexperienced women, he cannot handle women if his own age as they can see right through him.
The reason he has not contacted you following your declaration this morning is because he expects you just to fall in line like you always do. Jump out of the line girl! Sod his line!

LadyJ2023 · 22/02/2023 19:59

Erm if only proposes when drunk that says it all tbh

dramakween · 22/02/2023 20:13

As you say, no one gave us the manual to understanding this - so true, and it means we end up making costly mistakes. But the best thing you can do is what you are doing - learning and not settling for something less than you deserve.

Check out the Female Dating Strategy podcast. There are some useful insights to be found there. The closest thing to a guidebook on this topic, especially the episodes on myths about men, etc.

podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/the-female-dating-strategy/id1558083287