Page 3 | He only wants to get married after a drink

squaresc · 2023-02-21T16:34:56+00:00

DP has proposed a few times whilst drunk, but when he's sober he won't talk about it. I've gently broached the subject asking things like "are we still engaged" and "should we talk about this sober?" He just gets a bit stressed and the conversation tapers off. He's asked my ring size before but no sign of a ring. We've been together 5 years, in the process of buying a house and planning on TTC once we've moved. He's almost 40, he (sober) had told me previously that he was planning on proposing at the end of last year. Why is it so hard?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/02/2023 10:23

I wouldn't want someone i had o wheedle into marriage. Clearly he doesn't want it.

Time to move on.

Eyerollcentral · 22/02/2023 12:31

squaresc · 22/02/2023 09:59

I do 50% of the childcare.

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Sorry OP but this is mad. You need to work on boundaries. Don’t ever let yourself end up in a situation like this again where a man expects you to do half his work whilst you get no recognition or security.

Original poster

squaresc · 22/02/2023 13:10

Eyerollcentral · 22/02/2023 12:31

Sorry OP but this is mad. You need to work on boundaries. Don’t ever let yourself end up in a situation like this again where a man expects you to do half his work whilst you get no recognition or security.

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Why? Is it because we aren't married or had any children? When do I start treating my partners children like my own? Do I ever?

I'm confused about this point.

OP posts:

Eyerollcentral · 22/02/2023 13:13

squaresc · 22/02/2023 13:10

Why? Is it because we aren't married or had any children? When do I start treating my partners children like my own? Do I ever?

I'm confused about this point.

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You start treating them as your own when you get married. Until then you are their father’s girlfriend. Providing 50% of childcare is not what daddy’s girlfriend does. No way would I get this involved in the care of a child when I had no tie to the man. Not fair on you or the child. The father is an absolutely cheeky b. I can’t believe you don’t see the issue here.

toomuchlaundry · 22/02/2023 13:18

Even if married a stepmum does not have to be as involved with childcare of stepchild. If he was fully committed in your relationship then that wouldn’t be seen as an issue if you are happy to be as involved. At the moment he seems to get the benefit of an unpaid nanny who he can sleep with

Original poster

squaresc · 22/02/2023 14:32

Eyerollcentral · 22/02/2023 13:13

You start treating them as your own when you get married. Until then you are their father’s girlfriend. Providing 50% of childcare is not what daddy’s girlfriend does. No way would I get this involved in the care of a child when I had no tie to the man. Not fair on you or the child. The father is an absolutely cheeky b. I can’t believe you don’t see the issue here.

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I genuinely had no idea, there's no handbook on this..

This is my first serious relationship, I don't have children of my own.

His child is with him 50%, I do school run in the morning and he picks up. I didn't realise I shouldn't do that until marriage. What about people who aren't planning on getting married?

OP posts:

Suzi888 · 22/02/2023 14:35

“What about people who aren't planning on getting married?” Like your DP….

He doesn’t need to get married, he has everything he needs from you.

Eyerollcentral · 22/02/2023 14:47

squaresc · 22/02/2023 14:32

I genuinely had no idea, there's no handbook on this..

This is my first serious relationship, I don't have children of my own.

His child is with him 50%, I do school run in the morning and he picks up. I didn't realise I shouldn't do that until marriage. What about people who aren't planning on getting married?

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What made you think you had to do it?? You can do whatever you like but if you aren’t married you are only boyfriend and girlfriend. What made you think you had to sacrifice your time and love to raise someone else’s child? Have you no family or friends of your own? Didn’t your mum or an aunt or best friend say you are you treating this child like your own. As the above poster said op he has no intention of marrying you as you have done everything he needs and more without him having to make even the smallest commitment for you.

ValerieDoonican · 22/02/2023 14:51

If you married him, he might expect you to do more than 50%. If you had a child together, maybe 100%.

Honestly he doesn't seem like great dad material OP. I think you can probably do a lot better.

Original poster

squaresc · 22/02/2023 15:01

Eyerollcentral · 22/02/2023 14:47

What made you think you had to do it?? You can do whatever you like but if you aren’t married you are only boyfriend and girlfriend. What made you think you had to sacrifice your time and love to raise someone else’s child? Have you no family or friends of your own? Didn’t your mum or an aunt or best friend say you are you treating this child like your own. As the above poster said op he has no intention of marrying you as you have done everything he needs and more without him having to make even the smallest commitment for you.

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Thank you for the advice, no one has given me an idea of where the boundaries are meant to be. I'm part of a small family.

When partner/his child asks for something I've found it hard to say no without having a reason. He's obviously not got that problem!

I feel a bit silly now, I have clearly been quite naive.. I'll try not to make the same mistakes in the future.

OP posts:

Eyerollcentral · 22/02/2023 15:05

squaresc · 22/02/2023 15:01

Thank you for the advice, no one has given me an idea of where the boundaries are meant to be. I'm part of a small family.

When partner/his child asks for something I've found it hard to say no without having a reason. He's obviously not got that problem!

I feel a bit silly now, I have clearly been quite naive.. I'll try not to make the same mistakes in the future.

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He was walked all over you here. You need to work on your boundaries. Do not let him back in under any circumstances, he doesn’t respect you or he wouldn’t have taken advantage of you for so long

billy1966 · 22/02/2023 15:13

What we mean is guys with young children often target a childless woman for free childcare.

Childcare costs money so this is the reason that a childless girlfriend can be useful.

You are with him 5 years?

So 5 years of using you.

You sound like a lovely woman but this guy is using you.

You need to protect yourself and move out asap an leave him to sort his own childcare out.

This is not a good man.

He's a user.

You deserve better.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 22/02/2023 15:14

I don't thinks it's as convoluted as people think.

I think he's in two minds about marriage. He wants to but he also doesn't want to for some reason.

So when he's being drunk and soppy his drunk brain tells him to propose and get married. But then he sobers up and whatever's holding his back (fear of commitment? Panick over expense? Dislike of wedding ceremonies?) crops back up and he takes it back.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/02/2023 15:38

IDontWantToBeAPie · 22/02/2023 15:14

I don't thinks it's as convoluted as people think.

I think he's in two minds about marriage. He wants to but he also doesn't want to for some reason.

So when he's being drunk and soppy his drunk brain tells him to propose and get married. But then he sobers up and whatever's holding his back (fear of commitment? Panick over expense? Dislike of wedding ceremonies?) crops back up and he takes it back.

It's not even as convoluted as that.

He's not in two minds about getting married, he knows fine well he doesn't want to. But he does want to continue to enjoy the OPs companionship, free childcare and income, and he knows OP does want to marry. @ToffeeNotCoffee put it well - his drunken proposals are "like putting fresh batteries in a toy". Stringing her along, nothing more and nothing less. Heartless behaviour on his part.

Original poster

squaresc · 22/02/2023 15:48

IDontWantToBeAPie · 22/02/2023 15:14

I don't thinks it's as convoluted as people think.

I think he's in two minds about marriage. He wants to but he also doesn't want to for some reason.

So when he's being drunk and soppy his drunk brain tells him to propose and get married. But then he sobers up and whatever's holding his back (fear of commitment? Panick over expense? Dislike of wedding ceremonies?) crops back up and he takes it back.

I am starting to feel strung along to be honest.

It seems like empty promises rather than nerves at this point.

I told him this morning not to worry about getting a ring as I'm not wanting to push him into it and he didn't even respond to that.

He just said he is trying to negotiate a payrise at work as I said I'm going to withdraw our offer on the house.

OP posts:

Clymene · 22/02/2023 15:51

How old are you OP?

I'm so sorry he's been stringing you along like this, squandering your fertile years. It's hideously selfish

Original poster

squaresc · 22/02/2023 15:54

Clymene · 22/02/2023 15:51

How old are you OP?

I'm so sorry he's been stringing you along like this, squandering your fertile years. It's hideously selfish

I'm 25. I've got plenty of time to start again, so not a worry there.

But I do feel like I've had my right to make an informed decision taken away, so l am a bit annoyed to be honest.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 22/02/2023 15:54

Good because I think @WhereYouLeftIt and others have nailed it.

He is manipulative and is stringing you along.

Stop doing ANYTHING for him and take control from his hands.

He thinks he is controlling you because you are desperate to marry him.

He's really no prize.

Cancel the house and make arrangements asap to stay elsewhere while you have think.

Take some space.

You sound like a lovely woman who just needed the dots joined for you.

Don't be used by him to buy a house.

Step back and take a good hard look at him.

Are you renting together?

Is it easy to get out of?

billy1966 · 22/02/2023 15:55

25!!!
You have your whole life ahead of you.

What age is he?

billy1966 · 22/02/2023 15:57

He's 40!!

Oh OP pack your bags.

15 years older than you🤢.

Don't waste your life on him.

ValerieDoonican · 22/02/2023 15:57

That's quite a large age gap OP. I think you'd have more fun (and more sex!) with someone closer to your own age. Best of luck!

Clymene · 22/02/2023 16:00

Hurrah! You're young enough to start again. He really bloody saw you coming didn't he?

You've got a bigger deposit, he's nearly 40, you've done 50% of the childcare for most of his kid's life, and he's not interested in sex. He's not much of a catch on paper.

What do you see in him?

AnneKipankitoo · 22/02/2023 16:00

Dump him.
You are 25 ! Learn from it .

FlowerArranger · 22/02/2023 16:03

I agree with PPs - he is a non-starter. Just imagine, he is 70, you are 55, and you are still busting a gut to do everything, while he's been retired for several years and does FA. And no sex!

Here, read this - it's way better than the title suggests: Women Who Love Too Much. It's a classic for a reason.

SalviaOfficinalis · 22/02/2023 16:07

OP he’s really taking advantage of you.

It’s very convenient for him to have you taking on half his childcare responsibilities, I can totally see why the relationship is working for him. But what are you getting out of it? Not very much by the sound of it.

My guess would be that he would delay TTC and make excuses. And if you did have a baby you would be left looking after the baby and his DD while he does very little.