Marriage or child first - deadlock

[Tara40Fi]

Feel I’m in a deadlock with DP. He knows that I want to get married. He wants us to have a child. Told him 2 years ago that I’d love to have a family with him but I want to get married first. So for the past two years we’re in a deadlock. I wait for him to be ready to set a date for the wedding, he waits for me to be ready to start TTC. I’ve addressed it with him several times, he keeps saying that we can get married ‘eventually’, but isn’t interested in taking next steps. Thing is, I’m turning 40 next month so I really can’t wait much longer to start TTC. I feel I’ve already wasted the past two years and I don’t know how much time I have left realistically to have a baby. So I feel like giving in now and starting to TTC. He’s very happy for us to have a baby and I don’t think he plans to run off at first opportunity given that he really wants to start a family with me, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to get married…I think I’ve hold off as long as possible, and given my age I just need to TTC without being married if I ever want a child. I own a flat and have a good job, so at least I would be ok financially. Not sure why I’m posting because there’s no real solution I guess…I’m just frustrated that we had another nice (Valentines Day) dinner with me hinting at marriage and him brushing it off and changing the topic :(

Why does every single thread end up with some cretinous suggestions and then a bun fight? All rather predictable.

The flowers you put on the end of your post. Are you?

Mumnet. Different world.

What flowers? Would you like to look again? I really didn't.

Was it an eye operation by any chance?

Nope. No flowers at all on any of my posts. Perhaps your phone is broken

My phone is not broken. Maybe yours is.

Post a screenshot of these supposed flowers then

Here's my post,attached. Quite clearly not flowers. As anyone can see. How embarrassing for you. Put your specs on

I’m sure this ‘you put flowers on your message’ ‘no I didn’t’ really must be the kind of insight that OP was seeking. Well done.

It's a load of bollocks obviously, and not remotely helpful to the op. But it's a fucking weird thing to make up.

Doesn't work on the app because the android version is shit. I assure you it is flowers and not a little patronising raised eyebrow. Otherwise why would I have mentioned them

Absolutely no idea why you would say it, but it's OK to say you made a mistake. It really doesn't matter.

I don't know why they think I'm lying about it. I only wanted them to know they could shove them up their arse!

Yeah, that much was clear. But unfortunately there weren't any flowers. So it was just a really weird non sequitur.

....

Ok. That's fucking weird. I posted the screenshot of my post above.

Presuming you're not so invested that you faked that screenshot (are you?), that's a bloody odd glitch.

Perhaps a third party could confirm either way.

I have now forgotten what this thread was about and am more interested in knowing if MN somehow changes emojis in posts for different users.

Really weird. Will post in site stuff if I can be arsed.

Honestly... No I have not edited the post. Even if I was that invested I have no idea how I'd even go about doing it!

And I am very surprised it even let me post a photo!!! I have tried a million times to post cute pictures of my cats on the litter tray and it never bloody lets me!

Yeah, I presumed you hadn't faked it. Nor did I, obviously.

I've made a thread in Site Stuff so we can stop derailing this thread. Pleas add your screenshot there too if you can be bothered.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/site_stuff/4744550-different-emojis-on-posts-in-app-or-am-i-being-trolled?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

If emojis do change depending on the version/app, that could lead to some fairly serious misunderstandings!

A man can easily get himself added to the birth certificate. It simply becomes his responsibility to take
care of the process and payment.

he has to make a small amount of effort and get the government to recognize his formal relationship with another individual.

it’s almost like you can see a pattern forming with their life choices.

If you were ten year’s younger, I’d advise that you leave your idiot of a bf but you aren’t and you want kids. The romance of being married to this guy has already left the situation because he’s prepared to run down your biological clock in order to make a point he isn’t even overly attached to.

Pragmatism needs to take the lead here because being married to this guy doesn’t appear to be the happy ever after you want it to be because this stand off has exposed an immature twattery that you should not easily forget.

What did you decide @Tara40Fi x

What would be a worse outcome for you? Marriage without DC, DC without marriage to him ( you could still find and marry someone else after DC) or DC and stay together but unmarried.
Consider your options and chose one pronto as you are short on time and could end up with no DC's and no Marriage, or married to someone else without a DC - step-up still an option.

I don't think he's done anything wrong. The OP wants to marry and he doesn't. As they are both in a similar financial situation then it's not as though he doesn't want to marry her as she might take all his money in a divorce.

It's up to the OP, to choose what she wants. She can refuse to have a child unless they get married or she can have a child without being married. Or she can bale on him.

He isn't being deceitful or unclear.

but it makes me sad to think I’ll never experience this day of pure happiness and love.

Life isn't a fairy tale, OP. The reality is that the day will be more rush and anxiety than happiness and love. And will cost you a huge amount of money, as well as leave you personally in a worse financial position.

Unfortunately your age (sorry) is his trump card. If YOU want a child you need to be getting on with it now.

He might not ever marry you but as you own a property and have a decent career that really isn't too bad. Your property won't become a joint asset and trust me with good reliable childcare you can still work FT. I always have - tough at times but got through it! Give baby your surname, end of. As an unmarried father he won't have the right to register the birth without you so this is totally within your control. If he wants to change to or add his name then you can say "when we get married". See how he likes them apples. (Though personally I'm in favour of children having their mothers surname anyway. )

I appreciate you have a romantic idea of your wedding day and what it would symbolise but honestly it's not all it's cracked up to be. It's just one day and mine was crap for various reasons. I'm still happily married though just as others are happily unmarried if that's what they chose!

Good points, well made @honeylulu