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Original poster

Marriage or child first - deadlock

284 replies

Tara40Fi · 14/02/2023 23:12

Feel I’m in a deadlock with DP. He knows that I want to get married. He wants us to have a child. Told him 2 years ago that I’d love to have a family with him but I want to get married first. So for the past two years we’re in a deadlock. I wait for him to be ready to set a date for the wedding, he waits for me to be ready to start TTC. I’ve addressed it with him several times, he keeps saying that we can get married ‘eventually’, but isn’t interested in taking next steps. Thing is, I’m turning 40 next month so I really can’t wait much longer to start TTC. I feel I’ve already wasted the past two years and I don’t know how much time I have left realistically to have a baby. So I feel like giving in now and starting to TTC. He’s very happy for us to have a baby and I don’t think he plans to run off at first opportunity given that he really wants to start a family with me, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to get married…I think I’ve hold off as long as possible, and given my age I just need to TTC without being married if I ever want a child. I own a flat and have a good job, so at least I would be ok financially. Not sure why I’m posting because there’s no real solution I guess…I’m just frustrated that we had another nice (Valentines Day) dinner with me hinting at marriage and him brushing it off and changing the topic :(

OP posts:
Isthatthetimeeh · 14/02/2023 23:59

You both absolutely know it's not just a piece of paper. You both know the statistics. That's also why you want to get married and he doesn't.

Pass on this one. He's not wrong, he's just not aligned with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2023 00:02

If he’d told you 2 years ago he’d never marry you would you have decided to ttc or left him?

You need one proper cards on the table talk about why he’s dicking around. At nearly 40 you’ve got no time to be hinting about a proposal on Valentine’s Day. Take him at his word that marriage is just a bit of paper and tell him if it’s so unimportant to him he’ll do it to make you happy before ttc and it can be sorted in a couple of months.

PurpleReindeer2 · 15/02/2023 00:05

FlowerArranger · 14/02/2023 23:27

he thinks it’s not important to have a piece of paper documenting our commitment and love

You know that marriage is much more than this.

More importantly, he knows it too. And he wants to protect himself - not you.

☝️this

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/02/2023 00:05

Blimey you aren’t 17. Marriage is a contract that protects you financially, it’s not about a white veil.

Just tell him you are booking a registry office and ask him if he wants March or April.

Assert yourself ffs. You are nearly 40, waiting around for Mr masterful is not working out. If you want a family make it happen. Do not allow yourself to be financially fucked over by not getting married - it’s not just about you it’s about your future child.

Deathbyfluffy · 15/02/2023 00:05

NuffSaidSam · 14/02/2023 23:19

What's his reason for actively wanting to have a child outside of marriage? I think that's very odd tbh.

Is he already married?

Some people just don’t want to get married - it’s not 1800 anymore and this is fine.

Ofcourseshecan · 15/02/2023 00:06

TTC, definitely.

Marriage is important for sahms and low earners. Those who have provided all the home making and childcare etc, without any assets officially in their name, get shafted when their relationship breaks up.

But you have your own home. If you were married he would have a claim on that if you split up. You probably intend to continue your freelance work? So you don’t need marriage.

And do you really want to marry someone as selfish as your partner? He has been stringing you along, knowing it makes you unhappy. I would follow his example, TTC and plan to stay with him just as long as you need or want to.

Sounds cold-blooded. But thanks to his mean behaviour, you’ve lost most of your better options (eg find a better man, or start TTC when younger). He’s keen on fatherhood, so with luck you should, I hope, be safe in having children with him.

Realistically, that’s your best option right now. You know he’s selfish and have presumably worked out how to cope with that. It’s better than looking for someone else while you run out of time. Going it alone would be more difficult, at least while DC is/are small. And who knows, fatherhood might mellow him.

Best of luck, OP.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 15/02/2023 00:07

NuffSaidSam · 14/02/2023 23:55

Yes, but my comment was that the OP's situation was odd, not yours.

It is odd to have this conversation:

OP: I'd like to get married

DP: I will marry you, but we must have a child first.

That's odd.

Your situation where presumably two people who don't want to get married haven't got married is not the same is it?!

Do you not think it's odd to withhold marriage until someone has a child with you?

Show quote history

No. Your first post was a statement. Not just at the op. Have a little re read of it.

He hasn't said he was withholding marriage. He said he didn't want to yet. Jesus this place.

NuffSaidSam · 15/02/2023 00:09

Deathbyfluffy · 15/02/2023 00:05

Some people just don’t want to get married - it’s not 1800 anymore and this is fine.

Show quote history

Absolutely fine to not want to get married.

That's not the situation is it?

Read the OP.

She wants to get married.

He WILL marry her.

But they must have a child first.

If you don't want to get married you don't get married....you don't use it to force someone's hand into having a child in circumstances they're not happy with. That's not fine.

antipodeancanary · 15/02/2023 00:13

Ofcourseshecan · 15/02/2023 00:06

TTC, definitely.

Marriage is important for sahms and low earners. Those who have provided all the home making and childcare etc, without any assets officially in their name, get shafted when their relationship breaks up.

But you have your own home. If you were married he would have a claim on that if you split up. You probably intend to continue your freelance work? So you don’t need marriage.

And do you really want to marry someone as selfish as your partner? He has been stringing you along, knowing it makes you unhappy. I would follow his example, TTC and plan to stay with him just as long as you need or want to.

Sounds cold-blooded. But thanks to his mean behaviour, you’ve lost most of your better options (eg find a better man, or start TTC when younger). He’s keen on fatherhood, so with luck you should, I hope, be safe in having children with him.

Realistically, that’s your best option right now. You know he’s selfish and have presumably worked out how to cope with that. It’s better than looking for someone else while you run out of time. Going it alone would be more difficult, at least while DC is/are small. And who knows, fatherhood might mellow him.

Best of luck, OP.

At your age, actually I think this is your best option if you are certain you want a child.
But to anyone younger reading this thread, FFS, sort this out when you are 30 instead of leaving it till you are 40 and he holds all the power.

Sugarfree23 · 15/02/2023 00:14

Op your pushing 40. Would you be prepared to have a child alone?

He seems to want the child without the commitment to you.
How do you feel about that?

FeinCuroxiVooz · 15/02/2023 00:16

don't have a child with him unless you are going in with your eyes open seeing him as a sperm donor and expecting to be a single mum. if that's what you want them go for it. he isn't committed to you and will be gone when the going gets tough.

Floomobal · 15/02/2023 00:17

Unfortunately you’re on a timer to be able to have children. He’s not.

If you want a baby, TTC now. Give the baby your surname, just in case you never get married. You can always change the surname when you get married.

You’re probably financially better off not getting married. Have a baby, see how the relationship is. You might find after having a baby with him that YOU don’t want to marry HIM.

Beachhutnut · 15/02/2023 00:18

Marriage is him giving you legal protection in case the relationship falls apart. It's not romantic, but it is something that I absolutely insisted upon before TTC. If he wants you to have his child it's the least he can do quite frankly and if he won't then I would walk and go it alone.

MintJulia · 15/02/2023 00:18

Tara40Fi · 14/02/2023 23:22

He says his reason for not wanting to get married is that he thinks it’s not important to have a piece of paper documenting our commitment and love. But what bothers me even more is that he says we will eventually because it’s important to me, but it’s a just words and no actions…as the past two years have shown.

He knows it's important to you but doesn't care. You want different things.

If you want a child, go ahead & try to conceive but expect to be a single mum.

Beachhutnut · 15/02/2023 00:19

He thinks your biological urge will mean he gets what he wants eventually without having to legally commit. If this happens he will just kick the can down the road.

LexMitior · 15/02/2023 00:20

Honestly this man doesn't really want children. You are 40. Marriage protects the child. It stops the richer party, man or women from not committing their assets to the benefit of the child.

His work is not flexible and he sets little barriers for you to cross. Understand that even if you do get pregnant, there is no guarantee of it happening. This man is not romantic in the way you meant.

SueVineer · 15/02/2023 00:23

Newnamenewme23 · 14/02/2023 23:31

Not always.

I got married as advise by family to “protect myself”

turns out marriage protects the partner with fewer assets.

all marriage has done for me is give dh a claim on 50% of my house and pensions. I was the one with the job and assets, and he can walk away with half of everything o worked for pre marriage.

o/p if you have your own property and a good job have a serious think about who divorce whole benefit. Bearing in mind everything goes into the marital pot and you’ll come out with half each.

Show quote history

Yeah I didn’t marry my ex and it saved me a fortune post breakup. Marriage is advantageous to the partner with the fewest assets- not always the woman.

LadyJ2023 · 15/02/2023 00:23

To some its a bit of paper to others it's not. It wasn't for me and hubby, he showed his love even greater when he proposed unexpectedly and we married have 3 under 2 and loving it. I'm only 30 now and it means something to me. How quickly time changes marriage to its just a bit of paper now wow.

LadyJ2023 · 15/02/2023 00:25

And tbh loads of the comments show how little marriage means and how much its about assets,money etc etc. The lady clearly said it isn't about that for her.

Eyerollcentral · 15/02/2023 00:44

Beachhutnut · 15/02/2023 00:18

Marriage is him giving you legal protection in case the relationship falls apart. It's not romantic, but it is something that I absolutely insisted upon before TTC. If he wants you to have his child it's the least he can do quite frankly and if he won't then I would walk and go it alone.

100% this. I would have walked after the first time he said ‘eventually’. Your values aren’t aligned.

TiaraBoo · 15/02/2023 00:45

he thinks it’s not important to have a piece of paper documenting our commitment and love

Its a marriage ‘contract’ - it is about financial and legal implications.
You might be wanting romance and love but a marriage contract does not provide that.

Regarding your property, you’re best off not marrying and if you do want to have a child, then I would speed up but discuss the finances first, maternity leave, if either of you want to work part time in the future, wills, what you will have in place financially if one of you passes away unexpectedly (if not married, then you need the will to say the other parent will receive money otherwise goes to the child) etc

sianiboo · 15/02/2023 00:56

Well as you're the home owner and he's not, I wouldn't be marrying him. Wouldn't be having children with him, either. Get married, then find yourself having to sell your house and give him half, and he'll be a bad father that does the bare minimum with his child.

It makes me sad to think I’ll never experience this day of pure happiness and love.

Take it from me, I've been married twice, once at age 21 and again at age 34. Never day was a day of 'pure happiness and love'...the first was a stressful day completely taken over by my mother - when she wasn't fighting with my father (they split up when I was on honeymoon) and the second, my older brother (the only member of my family to attend) showed me up in front of my new inlaws by turning up in dirty jeans and a sweatshirt. The dress code wasn't casual.

I've always said to my now boyfriend that if I got married again (unlikely) it would be just the two of us on a beach somewhere. Third time lucky!

sianiboo · 15/02/2023 00:56

*Neither day

Ponderingwindow · 15/02/2023 01:05

I wouldn’t have a baby with someone who doesn’t think you are worth marrying.

marriage is primarily a financial contract. It is a statement that he is going to accept some of the financial
risk that comes from pregnancy and child rearing. The potential
of divorce makes the value of that contract limited, but it still holds some value.

If he won’t get married, he is saying that you should carry all the risk yourself. In that case, you are better off with a sperm donor who can’t interfere with your parenting decisions.

Codlingmoths · 15/02/2023 01:06

You want a child. I understand that! I’d sit him down and say let’s ttc. Without being married, I won’t be the default parent. So will prefer morning drop offs or pick up from day care? Drop off is get them up, dressed, breakfasted, bag packed and to childcare, pick up is bring them home and cook them dinner. You will have to clear that wiht your work or find a different job.
Then there’s parental leave. I would like to take say 7 months, then you need to take at least 4 months off before we are both working.

See his reaction - id be expecting to plan single parenting to be honest, so would have worked that out well in advance. Especially if he didn’t wholeheartedly agree to equal parenting (which is what we do)