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Original poster

Marriage or child first - deadlock

284 replies

Tara40Fi · 14/02/2023 23:12

Feel I’m in a deadlock with DP. He knows that I want to get married. He wants us to have a child. Told him 2 years ago that I’d love to have a family with him but I want to get married first. So for the past two years we’re in a deadlock. I wait for him to be ready to set a date for the wedding, he waits for me to be ready to start TTC. I’ve addressed it with him several times, he keeps saying that we can get married ‘eventually’, but isn’t interested in taking next steps. Thing is, I’m turning 40 next month so I really can’t wait much longer to start TTC. I feel I’ve already wasted the past two years and I don’t know how much time I have left realistically to have a baby. So I feel like giving in now and starting to TTC. He’s very happy for us to have a baby and I don’t think he plans to run off at first opportunity given that he really wants to start a family with me, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to get married…I think I’ve hold off as long as possible, and given my age I just need to TTC without being married if I ever want a child. I own a flat and have a good job, so at least I would be ok financially. Not sure why I’m posting because there’s no real solution I guess…I’m just frustrated that we had another nice (Valentines Day) dinner with me hinting at marriage and him brushing it off and changing the topic :(

OP posts:
jannier · 16/02/2023 12:46

Tara40Fi · 14/02/2023 23:22

He says his reason for not wanting to get married is that he thinks it’s not important to have a piece of paper documenting our commitment and love. But what bothers me even more is that he says we will eventually because it’s important to me, but it’s a just words and no actions…as the past two years have shown.

Would it be important to him that child has his name? Because if I was you child would be having mine if I wasn't married

Goatbilly · 16/02/2023 12:53

You don't know what your or his fertility is like at the moment. Id advise you to make an appt at a fertilility clinic to get an idea of your current status. It could be a game changer in terms of time available to conceive. Realistically, nobody knows until they try but it would give you some indication of your current status. You may or may not easily conceive but it may already be too late.

Dyslexicwonder · 16/02/2023 13:06

god.dailydot.com/wife-asks-husband-to-pay-for-pregnancy/

This is brilliant.

Dyslexicwonder · 16/02/2023 13:07

www.rareddit.com/r/relationships/comments/t5n70s

Full link

rubbleonthedoub · 16/02/2023 13:39

If it helps I had an appointment with a gyna doc recently who advised that at 40 she wasn't concerned if I was to have another child. 45 she indicated she would be concerned.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 16/02/2023 13:45

You don't have to be married to have dc, but if you don't then you need to protect yourself financially if you intend to take a cut in earnings to look after the baby.

Tbh I'd not want to marry him now, keep your house in your name and carry on working full time. If he wants a baby he'll need to find a job that allows him the flexibility to do 50%of all parenting.

However it's obviously important to you to get married, and I'd struggle to be with someone who, for no apparent good reason, wouldn't want to do the thing that's important to me.

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 13:56

If it's 'just a piece of paper' then it's no big deal to go and get it. You should be able to do it within a month or so at your local registry office. I'd give him that as an absolute deal-breaker if I were you. Take the first available slot and get married, or you're leaving.

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 13:58

jannier · 16/02/2023 12:46

Would it be important to him that child has his name? Because if I was you child would be having mine if I wasn't married

Show quote history

I don't see any indication at all that the OP is intending to change her name or give the child her partner's name. Apologies if I missed that. There is absolutely no reason that the baby should have the partner's name.

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 14:00

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 11:59

Because the child is fucking his! Christ this place is barmy. Absolutely nuts.

Show quote history

Tell me you don't understand how parental responsibility works without etc.

Derbee · 16/02/2023 14:16

These dickheads are all the same I’m afraid… Mess women around until they’re 40, with the carrot of marriage/babies etc.

These men that think marriage is “just a piece of paper” never tend to think the same about birth certificates when the mother suggests using her surname…. Interesting

Hbh17 · 16/02/2023 14:23

Marriage.
But, tbh, I'd be thinking very carefully about either marrying or having a baby with this man!

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 14:41

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 14:00

Tell me you don't understand how parental responsibility works without etc.

Show quote history

Tell me you're patronising twat without etc.

Goatbilly · 16/02/2023 15:09

rubbleonthedoub · 16/02/2023 13:39

If it helps I had an appointment with a gyna doc recently who advised that at 40 she wasn't concerned if I was to have another child. 45 she indicated she would be concerned.

Having already been pregnant and delivered (assuming from your post by stating "another" child) isn't the same as someone who has never tried to conceive and deliver a live baby. And also, what your doc said to YOU isn't applicable to all women aged 40.

MarieRoseMarie · 16/02/2023 15:09

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 14:41

Tell me you're patronising twat without etc.

Show quote history

Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 15:56

MarieRoseMarie · 16/02/2023 15:09

Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!

Show quote history

Are you ok? Genuinely?

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/02/2023 16:08

OP, your boyfriend is - not a keeper. He will never marry you , it will always be a vague 'sometime but not now' kind of thing. Very disrespectful of him since he knows it's important to you.

If you do decide to conceive, do it with your eyes wide open. Do not become a SAHM, protect your career and earnings potential, and give your child your surname.

MarieRoseMarie · 16/02/2023 16:09

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 15:56

Are you ok? Genuinely?

Show quote history

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pick%20me

MarieRoseMarie · 16/02/2023 16:11

“A pick me is a woman that is willing to do anything for male approval. She will embarrass or throw other women under the bus to achieve this goal. The unfortunate thing about a pick me is usually the men they are trying to seek approval from are of poor quality and treat women badly, leaving little real benefit for the pick me.”

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 16:16

MarieRoseMarie · 16/02/2023 16:11

“A pick me is a woman that is willing to do anything for male approval. She will embarrass or throw other women under the bus to achieve this goal. The unfortunate thing about a pick me is usually the men they are trying to seek approval from are of poor quality and treat women badly, leaving little real benefit for the pick me.”

So no. You're not ok. Fair enough

jannier · 16/02/2023 16:25

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 13:58

I don't see any indication at all that the OP is intending to change her name or give the child her partner's name. Apologies if I missed that. There is absolutely no reason that the baby should have the partner's name.

Show quote history

No but many unmarried dad's would expect it I just wonder if he assumes the child he wants will have his name.

TheLunchLady · 16/02/2023 16:32

(haven't read the full thread)

Normally I would say get married first, but given your age I think you should TTC, because time is running out. But be prepared that he might never actually marry you and you might end up raising the child alone.

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 17:58

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 16:16

So no. You're not ok. Fair enough

Show quote history

She's spot on. She's not the one so desperate for approval from a man, any man, that she feels the need to stand up for the poor little men even on a site full of women who've seen this shit many, many times before.

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 17:59

jannier · 16/02/2023 16:25

No but many unmarried dad's would expect it I just wonder if he assumes the child he wants will have his name.

Show quote history

I really hope that enough women stop with this sexist bullshit 'tradition' (invented in the last few years) so that these twat blokes stop expecting it.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 18:27

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 17:58

She's spot on. She's not the one so desperate for approval from a man, any man, that she feels the need to stand up for the poor little men even on a site full of women who've seen this shit many, many times before.

Show quote history

Where the feck are you getting all this from. Jeeesus Christ. Honestly get a grip.

I do not need approval from any man. But if you are with a man and agree to have a baby with him you cannot fucking blackmail him to marry you by telling him he is not going on the birth certificate of HIS child.

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 18:50

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 18:27

Where the feck are you getting all this from. Jeeesus Christ. Honestly get a grip.

I do not need approval from any man. But if you are with a man and agree to have a baby with him you cannot fucking blackmail him to marry you by telling him he is not going on the birth certificate of HIS child.

Show quote history

It's not blackmail. An unmarried man has no right to register the birth or to be on the birth certificate - and can't be put on unless he is there in person anyway. As it should be.

There are many very good, valid reasons not to put a man on a child's bc if he has already shown himself to be selfish, unreliable and uncommitted.