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Original poster

Marriage or child first - deadlock

284 replies

Tara40Fi · 14/02/2023 23:12

Feel I’m in a deadlock with DP. He knows that I want to get married. He wants us to have a child. Told him 2 years ago that I’d love to have a family with him but I want to get married first. So for the past two years we’re in a deadlock. I wait for him to be ready to set a date for the wedding, he waits for me to be ready to start TTC. I’ve addressed it with him several times, he keeps saying that we can get married ‘eventually’, but isn’t interested in taking next steps. Thing is, I’m turning 40 next month so I really can’t wait much longer to start TTC. I feel I’ve already wasted the past two years and I don’t know how much time I have left realistically to have a baby. So I feel like giving in now and starting to TTC. He’s very happy for us to have a baby and I don’t think he plans to run off at first opportunity given that he really wants to start a family with me, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to get married…I think I’ve hold off as long as possible, and given my age I just need to TTC without being married if I ever want a child. I own a flat and have a good job, so at least I would be ok financially. Not sure why I’m posting because there’s no real solution I guess…I’m just frustrated that we had another nice (Valentines Day) dinner with me hinting at marriage and him brushing it off and changing the topic :(

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 15/02/2023 14:38

He thinks marriage is 'just' a piece of paper?

Let me guess though, he would be offended if you said you wanted the baby to have your last name and not his? 🙄

Beachhutnut · 15/02/2023 16:48

If you're that worried about leaving it to late to conceive then go it alone and use a donor. Don't have a baby with someone who won't marry you. Don't give someone like that parental rights. It will come back to bite you.

perfectcolourfound · 15/02/2023 16:59

If he thinks marriage is just a piece of paper, then he won't mind doing it for you will he? If he loves you, he'll want you to be happy and it would be no sacrifice at all to him to, as he sees it, just get a piece of paper.

We all know that marriage is SO much more than a piece of paper. It's a public sign of commitment. It's legal and financial protection for the partner who makes sacrifices when children come along. In this case, it's something you really want. And not unreasonably.

So - he doesn't want to marry you (and don't let him use the cop out of 'I don't need a piece of paper to prove my love - that's deliberately missing the real point). He either doesn't see you as a permanent thing or doesn't want to risk you having financial protection if you have children and the relationship goes wrong.

Either way, I wouldn't be having any children with him.

Also - are you certain he's very keen to have children? He could just be using that as a way of putting off marriage ('I'd love to have children with you, but marriage isn't important and you're sticking your heels in about being married first).

Honestly, either he doesn't get why being married is important to you (does he not listen to you or take you seriously?) or he doesn't care. If you TTC with this man I'd put money on the marriage never happens.

Ponderingwindow · 15/02/2023 17:32

The finances should be your biggest concern in either scenario.

if you are having a baby with this man is he prepared to cover half of your lost wages during pregnancy? Is he going to cover half your lost wages during maternity leave? Is he going to help pay for maternity clothing, postpartum pads, and nipple chafing cream? Is he prepared to cover half of all child related expenses, including the day to day incidentals That you incur during maternity leave?

when you go back to work, what about the things that are going to impact your ability to earn. Is he prepared to pay for childcare? Is he going to do drop offs and pickups? Is he going to cover sick days?

the financials and legalities are what matter when deciding to have a baby with someone. Marriage is the most common way people deal with those financials and legalities There are other ways of addressing those issues. You can’t avoid the hard details though.

Romance is no substitute for making sure you are with a man who understands he has go to the store and use his money to buy pads that soak up lochia.

LadyEloise1 · 15/02/2023 18:11

I dearly hope that you won't be left childless while he goes off and marries and starts a family with someone else.
It's known to happen, sadly.
Sort it out now. Once and for all.
If he truly loves you he would want to make you happy.

Zanatdy · 15/02/2023 18:14

Well you’re 40 so if you want a child I think you need to think very carefully as getting pregnant at 40 isn’t easy at all for many women. If you were 10yrs younger I’d advise you to hold out if marriage is very important but if children is definitely on your radar you don’t have time to waste waiting for him to crack first

Wombats67 · 15/02/2023 18:18

Maybe he's checking you can actually have a kid first?

MissMarplesbag · 15/02/2023 18:20

If you get pregnant before marriage to this man then it's likely that you'll be a single parent.

Pinkbonbon · 15/02/2023 18:22

Why did I already know he was the one who wanted the kid first 'before' marriage.

He has no intention of ever marrying you but wants to use you like an incubator for his mini me.

Run. Any man that pushes the issue of kids before marriage, knowing you want to marry first, is a total scumball.

rosyvalentine · 15/02/2023 18:31

Ofcourseshecan · 15/02/2023 00:06

TTC, definitely.

Marriage is important for sahms and low earners. Those who have provided all the home making and childcare etc, without any assets officially in their name, get shafted when their relationship breaks up.

But you have your own home. If you were married he would have a claim on that if you split up. You probably intend to continue your freelance work? So you don’t need marriage.

And do you really want to marry someone as selfish as your partner? He has been stringing you along, knowing it makes you unhappy. I would follow his example, TTC and plan to stay with him just as long as you need or want to.

Sounds cold-blooded. But thanks to his mean behaviour, you’ve lost most of your better options (eg find a better man, or start TTC when younger). He’s keen on fatherhood, so with luck you should, I hope, be safe in having children with him.

Realistically, that’s your best option right now. You know he’s selfish and have presumably worked out how to cope with that. It’s better than looking for someone else while you run out of time. Going it alone would be more difficult, at least while DC is/are small. And who knows, fatherhood might mellow him.

Best of luck, OP.

I agree with this, 100%

frustratedtenant · 15/02/2023 18:36

I think if you want a chance at having children with a person as opposed to donor sperm, go ahead and have a child. Worst thing is you will be single mum.

Best thing is he might turn out to be an amazing dad and partner, and you will get married.

Or he might leave you but remain an involved and connected dad.

40 is very much pushing it to have kids, if you leave him and wait to find another partner you will very likely have missed the boat.

I would not wait to plan a big wedding before ttc, even if he wants to set a wedding date tonight I don't think you have a lot of time to play with.

Mom2K · 15/02/2023 18:49

I'm not sure if this has already been said...but if we are going to take him at face value that he will marry you after you try for a child...I wouldn't think it's because he doesn't want to get married (if he's honest about doing it after) I'd think it's because he wants to see if you can conceive first and if not he had an easy out and can try with someone else.

Otherwise he's just lying and doesn't really want to get married at all - expecting a child FIRST has red flags all over it. 🚩🚩

Schoolchoicesucks · 15/02/2023 19:20

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 15/02/2023 14:13

So blackmail? Fuck me

Show quote history

Why do you think that's blackmail? That's just how the law works.

I'm not suggesting she holds it out as an ultimatum. Just that she follows the logical progression of him refusing to marry her. She and the baby get to have the same surname. She gets to be on the birth certificate. It's only a piece of paper after all...

ArcticSkewer · 15/02/2023 19:26

You don't have many options if you want a child. He has lots more - including leaving you and finding someone younger.

Just don't give up your career or go part time, and you will be overall better off unmarried anyway.

Your idea about marriage is ridiculous though

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 15/02/2023 22:32

Schoolchoicesucks · 15/02/2023 19:20

Why do you think that's blackmail? That's just how the law works.

I'm not suggesting she holds it out as an ultimatum. Just that she follows the logical progression of him refusing to marry her. She and the baby get to have the same surname. She gets to be on the birth certificate. It's only a piece of paper after all...

Show quote history

If you get me pregnant but don't marry me I'm not having your name on the birth certificate. I'd be running for the hills if I was him

Eyerollcentral · 15/02/2023 22:39

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 15/02/2023 22:32

If you get me pregnant but don't marry me I'm not having your name on the birth certificate. I'd be running for the hills if I was him

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‘Get me pregnant’. Don’t know where to start. Women need to start running for the hills from time wasters that go out with you for five years but won’t even consider marriage before having a baby

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 15/02/2023 22:40

It's not a piece of paper symbolising commitment and live, it's a financial contract that gives legal protection to you both.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/02/2023 23:01

You need to find out why ! Why doesn’t he want to get married ?

to be honest I’d focus on TTC if you want a child and can manage financially regardless

marriage and divorce can cause more not less financial issues when couples are financially matched

it does however move things into sperm donor territory a bit

but if you want a child ….

Sugarfree23 · 15/02/2023 23:21

Puppyseahorse · 15/02/2023 13:25

@Sugarfree23 do you have a ref to a clinical study for this stat?

30% of 37 year olds who decide to TTC will never concieve.

I'll be honest and say i can't find it but it was definitely a medical source. I'm finding lots of things saying fertility decreases sharply at 37. And lots of fertility clinics advertising freezing eggs.

It was a few years ago when i read it. I was having loads of issues trying for my second child mainly PCOS and age was late 30s. But I definitely read it on some journal or other.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 08:41

Eyerollcentral · 15/02/2023 22:39

‘Get me pregnant’. Don’t know where to start. Women need to start running for the hills from time wasters that go out with you for five years but won’t even consider marriage before having a baby

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It was said as a response. The op would be better off unmarried anyway!

I take it you're another one who agrees his name shouldn't go on the birth certificate? Madness

Eyerollcentral · 16/02/2023 11:56

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 08:41

It was said as a response. The op would be better off unmarried anyway!

I take it you're another one who agrees his name shouldn't go on the birth certificate? Madness

Show quote history

No I wouldn’t dream of having a baby with a man who can’t be bothered to marry me after five years. There would be no name on any birth cert for me! Why tie yourself for life to a moron?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 11:59

Eyerollcentral · 16/02/2023 11:56

No I wouldn’t dream of having a baby with a man who can’t be bothered to marry me after five years. There would be no name on any birth cert for me! Why tie yourself for life to a moron?

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Because the child is fucking his! Christ this place is barmy. Absolutely nuts.

Eyerollcentral · 16/02/2023 12:01

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 11:59

Because the child is fucking his! Christ this place is barmy. Absolutely nuts.

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Are you thick? I said I wouldn’t have a baby with a man who wouldn’t marry me after five years so there wouldn’t be any names on any birth certificate as there would be no baby. Go back to whatever men’s right’s hole you crawled out of and learn to read

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 12:13

Eyerollcentral · 16/02/2023 12:01

Are you thick? I said I wouldn’t have a baby with a man who wouldn’t marry me after five years so there wouldn’t be any names on any birth certificate as there would be no baby. Go back to whatever men’s right’s hole you crawled out of and learn to read

Show quote history

Lol. Mens rights hole? Eh? The op would be daft to marry him in her position. That's naff all to do with men's rights

rubbleonthedoub · 16/02/2023 12:39

Her work place allows for maternity leave for up to a year, but only provides 50% of her salary for up to 6 months. The remaining 6 months is unpaid. She was very direct, and said that while her insurance would cover the vast majority of hospital related costs during pregnancy and childbirth, taking a 6 month break from work would cost her almost $50,000 since her pay would be cut in half. She is asking me to compensate her for that $50,000, in addition to agreeing to split any related but unexpected costs to pregnancy and childbirth. Her stance is that she is doing something for us to start a family, but it is not a true 50-50 split if she is expected to take a financial hit for it and I am not, given that our finances are separate. She had a printed list of expectations in terms of what she expected financially, listed some things that her insurance may not cover.
I see the logic in that, but I am really very turned off by this because she is essentially asking me to pay her to have our child (or children?).
She saw my hesitation and just doubled down. While her ideal is to return to work after 6 months, she says it’s a real possibility that she may require more time off and decide, as things happen, to take up to a year off. So, she had another plan drafted for that. For the first 6 months, her work will give her 50% of her salary, and I would compensate her for the rest, but for the next 6 months, since her work would not compensate her, and because this loss is something she is doing for the family, she is “comfortable splitting the loss of her income”, and only asking me for 50% of her salary instead of 100% for the second 6 month period, and she will take the loss of 50% of her salary. The idea I guess is that both of us “suffer” half the loss of income for the second 6 month period. However, if she takes 7 to 11 months off, any months after the 6th can be prorated.

god.dailydot.com/wife-asks-husband-to-pay-for-pregnancy/