Page 10 | Marriage or child first - deadlock

Tara40Fi · 2023-02-14T23:12:07+00:00

Feel I’m in a deadlock with DP. He knows that I want to get married. He wants us to have a child. Told him 2 years ago that I’d love to have a family with him but I want to get married first. So for the past two years we’re in a deadlock. I wait for him to be ready to set a date for the wedding, he waits for me to be ready to start TTC. I’ve addressed it with him several times, he keeps saying that we can get married ‘eventually’, but isn’t interested in taking next steps. Thing is, I’m turning 40 next month so I really can’t wait much longer to start TTC. I feel I’ve already wasted the past two years and I don’t know how much time I have left realistically to have a baby. So I feel like giving in now and starting to TTC. He’s very happy for us to have a baby and I don’t think he plans to run off at first opportunity given that he really wants to start a family with me, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to get married…I think I’ve hold off as long as possible, and given my age I just need to TTC without being married if I ever want a child. I own a flat and have a good job, so at least I would be ok financially. Not sure why I’m posting because there’s no real solution I guess…I’m just frustrated that we had another nice (Valentines Day) dinner with me hinting at marriage and him brushing it off and changing the topic :(

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 19:06

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 18:50

It's not blackmail. An unmarried man has no right to register the birth or to be on the birth certificate - and can't be put on unless he is there in person anyway. As it should be.

There are many very good, valid reasons not to put a man on a child's bc if he has already shown himself to be selfish, unreliable and uncommitted.

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It is if you're not giving him the choice to be there with you to be put on the birth certificate. The op is in a relationship with this man. My DP is the most amazing father and partner. Him being my husband would not change that. I agree there are reasons for them not to be on there. But to use marriage as blackmail is not one of them. How can't you see that?!

Xenia · 16/02/2023 19:08

50% of UK childre are now born outside wedlock. I was glad my daughters married and had children but apparently that is an indicator of class these days - higher class more likely to marry, they say (other than for those where their religion requires it no matter what their class of course).

In this case being nearly 40 best to get on with conceiving as there may never be another chance, even if there is no marriage on the horizon. Say you will only put him on the birth cert if he marries you before the baby arrives.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 19:10

Xenia · 16/02/2023 19:08

50% of UK childre are now born outside wedlock. I was glad my daughters married and had children but apparently that is an indicator of class these days - higher class more likely to marry, they say (other than for those where their religion requires it no matter what their class of course).

In this case being nearly 40 best to get on with conceiving as there may never be another chance, even if there is no marriage on the horizon. Say you will only put him on the birth cert if he marries you before the baby arrives.

Oh another one using blackmail. You've said yourself that 50% of the UK don't get married anymore. It's not a bloody rule to have kids. If he doesn't want to the op has a choice to make. No one has the right to force someone to marry them

jannier · 16/02/2023 19:21

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 17:59

I really hope that enough women stop with this sexist bullshit 'tradition' (invented in the last few years) so that these twat blokes stop expecting it.

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So do I buy many I know haven't or double barrel

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 19:45

jannier · 16/02/2023 19:21

So do I buy many I know haven't or double barrel

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Double barrelling is fine imo if you're married. It's a fair compromise and both parents have shown they're committed.

Babies born to unmarried mums should 100% have their mum's name.

The sooner women understand and exercise their rights, the better.

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 19:46

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 19:06

It is if you're not giving him the choice to be there with you to be put on the birth certificate. The op is in a relationship with this man. My DP is the most amazing father and partner. Him being my husband would not change that. I agree there are reasons for them not to be on there. But to use marriage as blackmail is not one of them. How can't you see that?!

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It's not blackmail. She wants to be married. He is messing her around, presumably knowing that approaching 40, she'll get so desperate soon that she will cave in and do things his way. Funny how you're not bothered by that sort of coercion.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 19:49

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 19:46

It's not blackmail. She wants to be married. He is messing her around, presumably knowing that approaching 40, she'll get so desperate soon that she will cave in and do things his way. Funny how you're not bothered by that sort of coercion.

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It is blackmail. Not what the op is doing. But saying I aren't putting your name on the birth certificate of the child I am carrying unless you marry me is.

Greytshakes · 16/02/2023 19:54

Hm. My first thought would be wants to find out first that you can have children, before he marries you. If you want a child as much as he does then start TTC now ,and (like someone else said) if you do get pregnant tell him you won't put him on the birth certificate until you're married. If you don't want as much child as he does, then best to leave I would say. The dynamic he has set up sounds like it's hurting you.

Dyslexicwonder · 16/02/2023 20:47

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 19:49

It is blackmail. Not what the op is doing. But saying I aren't putting your name on the birth certificate of the child I am carrying unless you marry me is.

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It's not blackmail, the father does not have an unaliable right to be named. It is the mother's free choice. Just like it is his free choice not to marry her. Actions and inactions have consequences. Foolishly I also had a baby prior to marriage, gave DS his father's name and he registered the birth with me. We married when DS was 18 months old, I wouldn't do it that way if I had my time again.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 20:55

Dyslexicwonder · 16/02/2023 20:47

It's not blackmail, the father does not have an unaliable right to be named. It is the mother's free choice. Just like it is his free choice not to marry her. Actions and inactions have consequences. Foolishly I also had a baby prior to marriage, gave DS his father's name and he registered the birth with me. We married when DS was 18 months old, I wouldn't do it that way if I had my time again.

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Anyone who says that to the father of their baby is a twat. End of story. Op knows her dp doesn't want to get married. If she proceeds to have a child with him then it's her choice but to not name them on the birth certificate?!

Sorry DC your dad isn't on your birth certificate even though you were very loved and wanted because he wouldn't do as he was told

CuteBear · 16/02/2023 21:03

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 18:50

It's not blackmail. An unmarried man has no right to register the birth or to be on the birth certificate - and can't be put on unless he is there in person anyway. As it should be.

There are many very good, valid reasons not to put a man on a child's bc if he has already shown himself to be selfish, unreliable and uncommitted.

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@HoboHotel My parents weren’t married when I was born (they were nearly 2 decades younger than OP though). My dad’s name went on my bc no questions asked. They’re still together. Unless the father of the child has gone AWOL or he’s abusive then yes, his name should be on the bc. He’s raising his biological child ffs.

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 21:05

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 20:55

Anyone who says that to the father of their baby is a twat. End of story. Op knows her dp doesn't want to get married. If she proceeds to have a child with him then it's her choice but to not name them on the birth certificate?!

Sorry DC your dad isn't on your birth certificate even though you were very loved and wanted because he wouldn't do as he was told

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If she proceeds to have a child with him then it's her choice but to not name them on the birth certificate?!

That's also her choice. A man who refuses to get married when his partner wants to is a commitment-shirking, unreliable dick. A far, far higher % of unmarried couples split up every year compared to married couples. And in this case he hasn't even said he won't, he's just stringing her along.

Also, blackmail doesn't mean what you think it does. Blackmail is threatening to reveal someone's private information and extorting money from them with that threat.

Choosing to not register a man as a child's father because he has proven himself to be unreliable, flaky and dishonest isn't blackmail. It's an intelligent decision.

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 21:08

CuteBear · 16/02/2023 21:03

@HoboHotel My parents weren’t married when I was born (they were nearly 2 decades younger than OP though). My dad’s name went on my bc no questions asked. They’re still together. Unless the father of the child has gone AWOL or he’s abusive then yes, his name should be on the bc. He’s raising his biological child ffs.

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Glad your dad was one of the good ones. They don't always go AWOL or show their abusive nature that quickly.

I wasn't married to my husband when our children were born, and I did put him on the birth certificate (although with my name).

The difference is that it was me who wasn't sure about marriage. When I did decide I wanted to get married, he did it at the first possible opportunity (about six weeks later - we got the earliest possible appointment). He never strung me along or made promises he wasn't going to keep. The OP's partner has shown himself to be untrustworthy and dishonest.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 21:31

CuteBear · 16/02/2023 21:03

@HoboHotel My parents weren’t married when I was born (they were nearly 2 decades younger than OP though). My dad’s name went on my bc no questions asked. They’re still together. Unless the father of the child has gone AWOL or he’s abusive then yes, his name should be on the bc. He’s raising his biological child ffs.

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Honestly I am aghast at some of these absolutely bonkers comments. This place is nuts sometimes. Thank god someone from the real world has joined the thread!

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 21:32

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 21:05

If she proceeds to have a child with him then it's her choice but to not name them on the birth certificate?!

That's also her choice. A man who refuses to get married when his partner wants to is a commitment-shirking, unreliable dick. A far, far higher % of unmarried couples split up every year compared to married couples. And in this case he hasn't even said he won't, he's just stringing her along.

Also, blackmail doesn't mean what you think it does. Blackmail is threatening to reveal someone's private information and extorting money from them with that threat.

Choosing to not register a man as a child's father because he has proven himself to be unreliable, flaky and dishonest isn't blackmail. It's an intelligent decision.

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Its fucking barmy is what it is

jannier · 16/02/2023 21:37

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 19:49

It is blackmail. Not what the op is doing. But saying I aren't putting your name on the birth certificate of the child I am carrying unless you marry me is.

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Why is that blackmail....he's not giving mum his name why should mum give baby a name different to hers?

jannier · 16/02/2023 21:39

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 21:31

Honestly I am aghast at some of these absolutely bonkers comments. This place is nuts sometimes. Thank god someone from the real world has joined the thread!

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I'm all for dad being on the birth certificate but the surname should be the person who carried the baby and pushed it into the world

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 21:41

jannier · 16/02/2023 21:39

I'm all for dad being on the birth certificate but the surname should be the person who carried the baby and pushed it into the world

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Where have I said otherwise?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 21:41

jannier · 16/02/2023 21:37

Why is that blackmail....he's not giving mum his name why should mum give baby a name different to hers?

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Eh?

LimeCheesecake · 16/02/2023 21:43

If the dad wants to be involved enough to organise going on the BC then fine - believe even if he’s not there when the baby is first registered it can be easily added up to a year later. but then it’s just a piece of paper, and this man doesn’t believe in bothering about pieces of paper…

LimeCheesecake · 16/02/2023 21:48

Babies should have the mothers surname. Even more so in a case like this where the father isn’t looking all that committed to the relationship with the mother and has one of those “traditional, inflexible” jobs that means all the parenting will land on the mother - if he can’t do any drop offs or pick ups from childcare when they are together he’s not going to be going for 50/50 care if they split.

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 21:59

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 21:32

Its fucking barmy is what it is

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Well, thanks for that in-depth rebuttal of all the points I raised. Food for thought.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 22:15

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 21:59

Well, thanks for that in-depth rebuttal of all the points I raised. Food for thought.

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I don't rise to bullshit anymore. No good for me. I'm recovering from an operation and I just can't be arsed frankly.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 22:16

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 21:59

Well, thanks for that in-depth rebuttal of all the points I raised. Food for thought.

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(oh and I know a brilliant place for your flowers...)

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 22:25

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 22:16

(oh and I know a brilliant place for your flowers...)

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What 'flowers'? You ok?