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Original poster

Mum’s inability to accept death of dog

225 replies

KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd · 10/02/2023 13:20

The irony of my username is not lost, but I’m a long time poster, and have name changed for this. Let me preface this by saying I have 2 cats whom I adore and have experienced losing much-loved pets before.

My parents’ lovely German Shepherd is 13 1/2 years old, and yesterday she seemingly fainted, having not eaten properly for a week and is struggling to walk etc. I fear she is sadly nearing the end.

My mum is absolutely hysterical about her impending death and has been saying for the last 5 years “She’s SO ill, this will be her last Christmas” etc. Her whole life has been put on hold because she is convinced she is going to die imminently.

My parents haven’t been on holiday for 5 years as my mum won’t let anyone look after her, one of them has slept downstairs with her every single night for the last 2 years and the maximum time they’ll leave her in the house alone is 4 hours. She has never let any of the rest of the family so much as walk the dog, even if she’s present (a solo walk would be unthinkable).

She didn’t sleep a wink last night as she just watched the dog in the kitchen.

I’m really struggling with her dramatics over the situation as whilst I am fully aware of how hard it is, surely one enters the realms of owning a pet knowing there is a good chance you’ll outlive them and / or make the difficult decision to have them put down. She’s acting like she thought the dog would be immortal and I don’t know how to handle it 😭

Any advice on how to deal with this greatly appreciated. Is it worth reminding her that she’s not evil to make the kind decision to consider euthanasia if the dog is in pain, or would that be cruel? I’m worried how she will be in the weeks following the dog’s death…

OP posts:
qazxc · 10/02/2023 13:33

What does the vet say? Have they broached the subject with her of prognosis/ quality of life? It may be easier to hear coming from them, they know what they are talking about, are emotionally detached from the situation. If the dog hasn't been to the vets, maybe suggest that as a first step.
Do you think there is a deeper issue than the dog, that the anxiety around the dog is symptom of something deeper. It seems OTT to have your life revolve around the dog. Surely it didn't need that level of care all this time.

80s · 10/02/2023 13:34

German Shepherds do often just live nine years, and 13 is old for them, so the dog could easily have died in the last 5 years, especially if it was ill.
I wouldn't fancy handing over an ill dog to someone while I went on holiday, either. If your mum and dad are both happier not going on holiday and sleeping in the same room as the dog, that's up to them, isn't it?
If you're fed up with her going on about the dog, perhaps don't speak to her quite as much at the moment, and try to change the subject? You can't really ask her to stop telling you about the dog without sounding a bit harsh, I'd say. You'll have to focus on what you can do to avoid it.

Tirednest · 10/02/2023 13:36

Aw. I think it's lovely that she's sleeping with ddog. I'm not sure what you are expecting people suggest that you do, except be a shoulder to cry on when ddog dies.

Tirednest · 10/02/2023 13:37

And having cats just isn't the same.

wildthingsinthenight · 10/02/2023 13:40

Could you take a step back?
Just let them deal with this in their own way?
And be there to comfort them when the inevitable happens

MaryBary · 10/02/2023 13:40

My last dog was very special to me, and if I could have those last years again, I would gladly sleep on the floor next to her every night. That's true love. How lucky your parents are to have such love in their lives.

BruceAndNosh · 10/02/2023 13:44

Tirednest · 10/02/2023 13:37

And having cats just isn't the same.

Strange thing to say

wildthingsinthenight · 10/02/2023 13:45

Tirednest · 10/02/2023 13:37

And having cats just isn't the same.

I disagree with this

Original poster
KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd · 10/02/2023 13:46

This is why I needed to hear from others, as I feel it’s sad that she’s put her whole life on hold at the expense of her dog, but maybe this is normal.

I agree she’s lived to a wonderful age, which is why I thought she might be more rational / expectant of her death, rather than acting like it’s completely unthinkable.

They are in touch with the vets now, so fingers crossed they will receive some advice.

I just wanted to know if it would be insensitive to try and encourage them to consider euthanasia as an option given that my mum, in particular, appears to be in denial about the dog’s mortality.

OP posts:
Tirednest · 10/02/2023 13:46

wildthingsinthenight · 10/02/2023 13:45

I disagree with this

Show quote history

Clearly it is, if the OP is unable to get her head round her mum's grief.

Viviennemary · 10/02/2023 13:48

I am not keen on dogs but some folk get totally devoted to their pets. You just have to let your Mum get on with it. She isnt going to change now. You could suggest a visit to the vets to make sure the dog isnt in pain or suffering in any way., But from what you've said it does sound like the dog is nearing the end of its life.

Tirednest · 10/02/2023 13:48

KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd · 10/02/2023 13:46

This is why I needed to hear from others, as I feel it’s sad that she’s put her whole life on hold at the expense of her dog, but maybe this is normal.

I agree she’s lived to a wonderful age, which is why I thought she might be more rational / expectant of her death, rather than acting like it’s completely unthinkable.

They are in touch with the vets now, so fingers crossed they will receive some advice.

I just wanted to know if it would be insensitive to try and encourage them to consider euthanasia as an option given that my mum, in particular, appears to be in denial about the dog’s mortality.

it would be totally insensitive. She's in touch with a vet who will give advice.

Viviennemary · 10/02/2023 13:49

Just seen your last post. Dont suggest euthanasia. Let the vet advise them.

Original poster
KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd · 10/02/2023 13:51

OK, I won’t say anything. Thank you for your advice.

I am absolutely devoted to my cats, but I am not in denial that they will only live so long and that one day, I may have to make a difficult decision.

OP posts:
Pocketfullofdogtreats · 10/02/2023 13:51

You might find that it might take your DM a couple of weeks to accept the thought of euthanasia. But if the Ddog is in pain, it will need to be done. If Ddog is not in pain, let your DM deal with looking after him/her in her own way. It's her decision about what you see as putting her life on hold, no holidays, etc, not yours.

bagelsandcheese · 10/02/2023 13:52

I think it's lovely what your mum is doing ie sleeping with ddog. my mum is similar with her dog however she does go on holiday once a year and leaves her with me but she is so nervous and is checking everyday she's ok. she has also said for around the last three years this could be the last year however she is still going strong. I get what you mean by putting life on hold but dogs are part of the family and looking after ddog and giving her a good life seems to make her happy.

Tirednest · 10/02/2023 13:52

I have to say OP, I think this post is a little odd. Clearly your mum really loves her dog and is very upset that they are ill. Can't you just be there for her and sympathise fully? Thinking that it might be your place to suggest she puts her beloved dog to sleep is rather callous.

Floralnomad · 10/02/2023 13:53

If the dogs not been eating properly for a week why are they only now in touch with a vet ? . Fwiw , I directly attribute my mums death to the death of her indoor cat , it literally finished her off , despite my mother having a close and loving family .

Butwhytho · 10/02/2023 13:54

While it seems the poor dog is certainly reaching a point now where it seems more cruel to keep her alive than not, the way your mum feels about her (besides the somewhat ott dramatics alongside) isn’t really that unusual imo. Leaving an old dog so you can go on holiday is a bit unfair if they find themselves stressed and confused, which they often do in kennels etc, and the sleeping downstairs with her, well, I wouldn’t necessarily be sleeping downstairs for years at a time but I’ve slept on the floor next to my dogs in the past when they’ve been unwell or near the end and I expect I’ll do it again for the ones I have now too. It’s so heartbreaking losing a much loved dog, they leave such a hole.

Theunamedcat · 10/02/2023 13:54

Let the vet handle it I suggested my mom euthanized our dog because she was struggling and probably suffering by that point my mom found me unforgivable told me how hard I was how cold and unfeeling I was telling me I never loved anyone 💔 it broke my heart the reason I suggested it was BECAUSE I loved the dog she was there my entire life to see her trying to jump up for her lead and fall down because her back legs had gone was agonising I was 14? (I think) at the time my moms words stayed with me like acid even now I can hear her crying about how cold I was

Never suggest it's time to someone who isn't prepared to hear it

larchforest · 10/02/2023 13:56

Tirednest · 10/02/2023 13:37

And having cats just isn't the same.

Yes it is.

dodobookends · 10/02/2023 13:58

If they are in contact with the vet, then I expect that they will broach the subject in a kind, sensitive way. They have to deal with this all the time, and are usually very good about it.

GrapesOfRoss · 10/02/2023 13:59

I'm not sure why you think she isn't accepting it. It sounds to me as if she's just very sad about it. Words like "dramatics" are unkind- it's not unusual to be very upset when an animal dies and being upset doesn't imply she thought her dog was immortal.

I think you should step back a bit- you're obviously not on the same page as your mum. Let her feel as she feels and try not to judge so much.

Tirednest · 10/02/2023 13:59

larchforest · 10/02/2023 13:56

Yes it is.

Show quote history

Clearly not, as the OP doesn't seem to have much empathy.

LadyVictoriaSponge · 10/02/2023 14:00

I changed my job to work from home do I could be with my dog in her final years, we never leave her alone without one of us home with her unless absolutely necessary as she is poorly now, all holidays are with our dog, she sleeps with us, we spend an absolute fortune (no exaggeration) on medication to keep her comfortable, I would not let anyone else walk or look after her because I wouldn’t trust them to take as much care of her as we do and she would not want to be walked by anyone else either. We love her, she is our world and it will break me when she dies. I am not suffering from any mental illness because I do this for my dog, I do all this because I love her with all my heart.