Mum’s inability to accept death of dog

[KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd]

The irony of my username is not lost, but I’m a long time poster, and have name changed for this. Let me preface this by saying I have 2 cats whom I adore and have experienced losing much-loved pets before.

My parents’ lovely German Shepherd is 13 1/2 years old, and yesterday she seemingly fainted, having not eaten properly for a week and is struggling to walk etc. I fear she is sadly nearing the end.

My mum is absolutely hysterical about her impending death and has been saying for the last 5 years “She’s SO ill, this will be her last Christmas” etc. Her whole life has been put on hold because she is convinced she is going to die imminently.

My parents haven’t been on holiday for 5 years as my mum won’t let anyone look after her, one of them has slept downstairs with her every single night for the last 2 years and the maximum time they’ll leave her in the house alone is 4 hours. She has never let any of the rest of the family so much as walk the dog, even if she’s present (a solo walk would be unthinkable).

She didn’t sleep a wink last night as she just watched the dog in the kitchen.

I’m really struggling with her dramatics over the situation as whilst I am fully aware of how hard it is, surely one enters the realms of owning a pet knowing there is a good chance you’ll outlive them and / or make the difficult decision to have them put down. She’s acting like she thought the dog would be immortal and I don’t know how to handle it 😭

Any advice on how to deal with this greatly appreciated. Is it worth reminding her that she’s not evil to make the kind decision to consider euthanasia if the dog is in pain, or would that be cruel? I’m worried how she will be in the weeks following the dog’s death…

I understand what you’re saying OP and I’m a bit surprised at what a hard time you’re getting. But some people are just more pragmatic than others. Those of us who deal with this sort of thing with pragmatism find it hard to understand when someone doesn’t. It doesn’t mean we don’t find it hard or that we love our animals less, just that we deal with it differently. Perhaps it is a lack of empathy but then to be honest I’m not sure how common proper real empathy is anyway. What is important is to realise that even if you don’t understand the feelings or the behaviour, you accept those feelings and behaviours as valid, even if you need to recognise they are very different to your own.

I suppose the difficulty arises when you feel the feelings and behaviours are having a negative impact- such as allowing an animal to suffer unnecessarily. I also think that the subject of death always brings things up that people don’t expect and it can be complicated. Perhaps do try to question why this is getting to you- is it because you don’t understand it? Because of the way she has been as a mum? Or simply that you’re concerned for the dog?

I think the best thing to do is to step back a bit. Support if she needs it and you can internally roll your eyes at choices such as sleeping with the dog whilst still saying the right things to your mum. If the vet is involved they will hopefully steer her in the right direction or at least try to make the dog more comfortable in the time they have left.

And if your mum can’t bear the thought of taking the dog to the vet, it’s worth asking if the vet will come to the house to euthanise the dog. Less stressful for the animal and kinder in the home environment.

Bully for you.

I have had all three and am not a dog lover in general, but I would never want one of them to be suffering at the end of their days and their owner to prolong that suffering because they can't bear to let go.

This!

OP, it seems your post has attracted unhinged dog owners.

Yadnbu

I agree with @KILM too.

What tour dm is behaving is not healthy at all. However it’s her choice.

I would gently change the subject whenever she brings up the dog.

I wonder if your mum has experienced quite a few losses in life?
My mum is terrified of losing any of her animals and goes above and beyond for them. She always says it gets harder not easier when it's their time, she would never let them suffer or struggle though. But she has seen most of her family pass away and I think it does have an impact.
As I've got older I can appreciate that it hurts more, there may be many pets you've said goodbye to as well as loved ones. There also comes a point where devoting the next fifteen years to an animal isn't feasible if you aren't going to be capable of looking after and exercising a dog in your dotage which can make it all harder and impact how you feel.
Fwiw we also don't have holidays or go out without leaving someone in the house for our old lab, I'd rather give him the best life we can while he is here, holidays can be taken later.
I would gently approach euthanasia if it's in the dog's interests, but from the angle of it being done because she loves him, there are fates worse than death. Our vet actually describes euthanasia as a form of treatment, because it can take away pain that can't be medicated and prevents poor quality of life.

FFS!

Or far more likely…OP is concerned that her mum has become irrational in the last few years over her fears for her pet and isn’t acting in either the dog’s or her own best interests.

It’s a pet dog, not her only grandchild. 🤷🏻‍♀️

In our household, DH is devoted to the dog but I much prefer the cats. However, we still put the dog into kennels and a friend pops in to feed the cats when we go on holiday.

Would your Mum be open to discussing what she and your ddad would like for ddog when the time comes.

I say this as my first ddog died on the operating table whilst I was away. I didn’t get to see him and by the time I got there, they had lost his collar (a special one printed with his name) so I didn’t get even get that back. It really upset me at the time and irk’s me to this day. Only 38 years ago so I don’t hold a grudge!

The last ddog I lost (just at the start of lockdown) was PTS somewhat unexpectedly at a vet appointment. I could have taken him home for a few days but that would have been for my benefit, he was unwell and I didn’t think it fair on him. We had two vets in attendance and were allowed to bring our other ddog in from the car to say goodbye. We got to spend time with him and they took paw prints for me (their idea). It was so hard, so sad, and dh and I cried buckets but he went in peace and that is such a comfort even now.

The aftermath may be easier for your dmum to bear if she has some control and can do it in the way she wants.

FFS yerself 😁

Have you read the OP's posts? From what she has said about how her mother treated her as a child, I'd suggest that is why OP is now struggling to process her mom's actions and reactions to the dog.

She's taken the dog to the vet. The OP just needs to support her mum, if she feels able to.

At least cats don't eat their own shit.

So you think the actions of her mother towards the dog are completely rational and the obvious explanation is that she is consumed with jealousy towards the dog?

Okey dokey. 😳🤣🤣

@corcaithecat where have I said that? Nowhere! But I think this is why the OP is struggling to know how to tackle it with her mom and how feel about how her mom is acting.

That's you!!

I adore cats, have done my whole life, and my family adore them too. In fact DH who had grown up with dogs, now prefers cats. We lost our dearly loved DCat a year ago and we were all heartbroken. I also lay on the floor with him for nights before he died, and he loved the comfort of me holding his paw until he slept. He had been seeing the vet weekly (he was approx 20) and in fact saw him 2 days before he passed away, and the vet was confident that he wasn't in pain or anything. The next day, he didn't eat; the following day he died peacefully and gently, having his paw held with us talking to him. He fought like mad to stay with us. Am in tears now writing this!! We had investigated euthanasia but he passed very naturally in the end.

He was never happier than when he was in the midst of all his humans. He'd come to us as a stray, and he was so so grateful for his home.

So, while you may think your parents are OTT, I understand. I think you just have to leave them to it, so long as they are seeing the vet. A week is a long time without eating. I'd have had the dog at the vet much sooner. They will be devastated as we were. In the end our house was so empty, I got more cats. There was a massive cat-shaped hole in our lives. Our new cats are very different - they all have their own wonderful personalities.

Yes, that's me. I was replying to a pp who said we should all love our pets completely equally. I don't love my cat or the hamster as much as I love my horses and dogs.

Sorry about your cat though.

“Waily exuberent”… what? I don’t think exuberent means what you thinks it means… or spelled right…

I would go to the ends of the earth for my dog. He has an orthopaedic mattress, and has an injection every month for mild arthritis that costs £100 a pop. Just so he isn’t in pain. He also has a high fibre diet which costs a lot but it means he doesn’t have the issues he has without it.
I expect you’re the type that, when told the dog’s got arthritis and digestive issues, you’d have said fuck it, put it to sleep, and then just get a new dog.
If you can ‘suffer in silence’ i.e. not have a cry and be really upset when your very old dog dies then you’re a cold fish mate

Thank you x

Surely there's a middle ground between the OP's mothers attitude, which most people of common sense would consider histrionic and not in fact necessarily in the dogs best interest and the coldness you ascribe to this poster (with no justification mind you). You can be a good conscientious and loving pet owner, be sad when they die but also have a sense of proportion and realism. And you know, have a life. I'm in Ireland and without wanting to over generalise, I have never met anyone with the OP's mothers attitide. The one or two heading in that direction have been English. Most people I know would consider this completely batshit, scarcely understandable if it was a human, let alone a dog we were talking about.

Some people love their dogs more than anything including other humans. It’s tough.

But the dog hasn’t died. The OP is speculating that her mother is going to be ‘histrionic’ based on the fact that she’s struggling knowing her dog won’t be around forever.
The way you expect people to deal with things like this is rather unhealthy and basically expecting people to bottle up their feelings. It’s what I would expect from people of my mother’s generation. I don’t know anybody who wouldn’t be beside themselves if their dog died. But I don’t have friends that aren’t really arsed about their pets. I love my dog more than most of my family. It’s easy to say it batshit etc but it’s not your dog and it’s not your life. To some people pets are replacements for children they can’t have, dogs that have given them a reason to keep living.

Seconded.

It isn't love to keep any creature in pain when it isn't necessary. It's selfishness.

Quite a few of us have been advocating for the dog.

When my beloved cat was dying, I put my entire life on hold to be with him during his final months. I have never regretted it. If someone had told me I was being dramatic, I would have cut them out of my life. He was a soul mate.

so YABU - from my view - leave your mom alone to grieve as she needs, and to midwife her beloved dog through the end of life.

@KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd - what did the vet say about the dog?

There are 2 kinds of pet owners, those who would go to the ends of the earth to avoid any emotional pain themselves for their pets, and those who prioritise the pet’s welfare and alleviate their suffering, even when it’s personally painful wouldn’t.

fixed that for you @ttcat37

agree the OP’s mum is in the former camp