Mum’s inability to accept death of dog

[KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd]

The irony of my username is not lost, but I’m a long time poster, and have name changed for this. Let me preface this by saying I have 2 cats whom I adore and have experienced losing much-loved pets before.

My parents’ lovely German Shepherd is 13 1/2 years old, and yesterday she seemingly fainted, having not eaten properly for a week and is struggling to walk etc. I fear she is sadly nearing the end.

My mum is absolutely hysterical about her impending death and has been saying for the last 5 years “She’s SO ill, this will be her last Christmas” etc. Her whole life has been put on hold because she is convinced she is going to die imminently.

My parents haven’t been on holiday for 5 years as my mum won’t let anyone look after her, one of them has slept downstairs with her every single night for the last 2 years and the maximum time they’ll leave her in the house alone is 4 hours. She has never let any of the rest of the family so much as walk the dog, even if she’s present (a solo walk would be unthinkable).

She didn’t sleep a wink last night as she just watched the dog in the kitchen.

I’m really struggling with her dramatics over the situation as whilst I am fully aware of how hard it is, surely one enters the realms of owning a pet knowing there is a good chance you’ll outlive them and / or make the difficult decision to have them put down. She’s acting like she thought the dog would be immortal and I don’t know how to handle it 😭

Any advice on how to deal with this greatly appreciated. Is it worth reminding her that she’s not evil to make the kind decision to consider euthanasia if the dog is in pain, or would that be cruel? I’m worried how she will be in the weeks following the dog’s death…

@KILM thank you for articulating what I have clearly been unable to convey

Don't be ridiculous

I agree , wholeheartedly, with @LadyVictoriaSponge and pretty much did the same with our lovely boy who died just before Christmas. I slept with him on the floor. It gave both of us comfort.

You see, love is love wherever we find or experience it. Rationality doesn’t come into love. If it did, we wouldn’t ever expect or invest in longevity in any of our relationships. Of course, we rationally know our dogs are likely to predecease us , maybe that makes the bond more precious and the loss more painful.

And anticipatory grieving cannot wholly mitigate the shock of a loss. Dogs really do give unconditional love as well as purpose and shape to our days. And there is something quite wonderful about love and bonding across species ; I believe how we treat animals defines our capacity to be human.

And if anyone doubts the emotional intelligence of dogs, please read ‘Dogs don’t lie about love’ by Jeffrey Masson.

There may be many issues regarding your mother’s feelings but these may be more complex than you perhaps realise.

@KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd

please do say something

this poor dog is suffering multiple health problems.
she’s clearly going to starve to death/die of dehydration in chronic pain.

it’s neglect and contravenes the UK animal welfare act.

the dog needs urgent veterinary attention and likely euthanasia

I feel it’s sad that she’s put her whole life on hold at the expense of her dog, but maybe this is normal

I wouldn't say it was "normal" exactly, but we're all different and it's her choice to make

Personally I'd mention gently that euthanasia can actually be the kindest option, but you know her best and if you believe this wouldn't go down well I'd just leave her to be guided by the vet, and be there to comfort her afterwards

It's a sad time - our much loved pets just don't live long enough - but most of us force ourselves to do the right thing by them and at least that's some comfort after they've gone

OP, some people are like this with elderly relatives- totally in denial that they are going to pass on, angry and sometimes blaming of medical staff that refuse to do life-prolonging procedures even though they are in the best interests of the patient, indignant if you have quality of life or end of life discussions with them. Often the poor patient is in their late eighties or nineties, but it either hasn't occurred to them they will die, or they think death is worse than any other thing which I don't think it is, I'd rather be off than suffer pain/distress endlessly and to no good end myself.

We are not good with the whole circle of life thing in our culture and tend to think of death at the end of a good life as an immense and unjust disaster instead of a very sad but usual thing to happen. Having seen many deaths, both of animals and of humans, I don't worry about death at all, I'm more worried about dying and suffering- perhaps your mum's high anxiety and distress, especially when the dog was actually ok (I mean saying this is his last Christmas is a bit hysterical when it wasn't) is not just about the dog but the passing of time in every sense- if the dog dies, so could her husband, so could she. Some people cannot cope with this thought at all.

I would step back a bit, make sympathetic noises, she's spent the last 5 years doing what she wanted, don't worry about why or her happiness. Just keep calm now, I wouldn't advise her on euthanasia, I'd let the vet bring it up and nod if she mentions it. It's not your job to advocate for the dog and she won't thank you for it.

Some very spiteful, over analysed and CATTY (get it?) remarks to poor OP. No wonder MN is know as place of vipers! Dog will be gone soon most probably having been over indulged, I mean ''well cared for '' all its life. Get a puppy perhaps in 2 or 3 months' time. I only learnt recently that dogs are regarded as ''unclean' in Islam and in no circumstances should be allowed in the house. (Come on you vipers!)

I suppose if I were her, I’d be happy about this fact, whereas she is very often sad
From what you said about her making a big deal out of your childhood illnesses, I agree with the poster above who said that's probably just her way. Maybe she likes other people comforting her, for instance? Maybe it's how her mother reacted? Maybe her mother was very analytical and she hated it, so acts the opposite?

PS - I am leaving donation to Battersea Dogs and Cats Home in my Will.

What a load of crap. A beloved pet is just that .

Your post suggests that you don't really understand the depth of feeling that your parent has for the dog and this is making it harder for you to know how to react. To you this is about 'just a dog'. To her it is a very dear friend and life companion.

So -your mother is watching a very dear friend come to the end of her life.
She is caring for that friend and being there for that friend.
She feels very sad as she watches her friend suffer and even sadder knowing that she will soon be lost to the inevitable end we all face. Days together are limited. Nights together are limited. Your mum is spending all the time she can with her.

What can you do for someone whose close friend is dying?

-Probably don't remind her that the friend is at the end of her life and these things happen.

-Probably don't suggest that your she forgets it all for a bit (leaving her friend alone) and spends time on holiday.

-Probably don't tell her she is neglecting other people and should leave her friend and her own grief to keep them happier.

Feelings don't come or go to order. She can't feel this less and you can't feel it more.

I'd say - just accept that your mum is suffering (even though this particular death wouldn't get you in the same way) and behave accordingly.

How would you usually support and comfort someone feeling like this if it seemed justified?

I've known that for some time, but as I am not Muslim it's of absolutely no relevance to my own life.

I agree - our vet was very kind (to us) but made it clear what was in the best interest of the animal.

The dog/cat etc is the patient and they are the one the vet has a responsibility to.

Agree - you don't measure love. It is there or it isn't whether it's for a cat. dog, budgie - or a person for that matter.

Love is love, and losing a loved one hurts.

@KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd From your posts on this thread there are a lot of similarities between your mother and mine. While I am an animal lover who has been devastated when any pet has reached the end of their life I struggle with my mother's actions/reactions to her pets reaching the end of theirs and the all-encompassing drama. My mother didn't speak to her best friend for 7 years after a similar situation (best friend simply offered to drive my mother and old and poorly dog to the vets IF the time came when it would be the kindest thing to do, so that my mother would be able to focus on the dog in the back of the car). I would step back and stay there and just be a listening ear if she wants to talk.

Utter bollocks. I've had both and I can assure you I was equally affected by their deaths.

My parents haven’t been on holiday for 5 years as my mum won’t let anyone look after her, one of them has slept downstairs with her every single night for the last 2 years

I've only been on UK holidays since I got my dogs. If they cant come with me, I dont go. Choice I made so thats on me. Your parents, same, their choice.

If you really mean every night one or the other has slept downstairs with the dog, I would wonder if theres more to it. Don't get me wrong I have spent far too many nights downstairs with my dogs when they were ill, recovering from spaying or otherwise unable to get upstairs, but for two years, every night, I'd have found a different way to get them upstairs rather than sleep on the sofa.
I wonder if the dog goes soon that something else will happen (like another pet) or something important that the dog has been masking all these years.

@tara66 yet cats kills birds and mice and bring them into the house. Is that clean? My dog certainly doesn't do those things.

Of course it is.
What an awful thing to say.
I like both cats and dogs but I can't have a dog as I'm disabled and wouldn't be able to walk it.
We've had lots of cats over the years and the grief when they die is, I'm sure, exactly the same as the grief felt by a dog owner when the dog dies.

I wouldn't mention euthanasia to her either. She'll likely never forgive you.

Suggest her to take the dog to the vet asap and let the vet deal with it.

@KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd I’d say it is one of those situations where the best you can do is acknowledge that the way your DM is thinking is so different than yours than you will never get it.

I mean if someone was telling me they’ve decided to sleep downstairs because <insert whatever reason> like your DM did/does, I’d simply assume they have marriage issues.

And your description of any illness being the end of the world when you were a child makes me think your DM has issues of her own. (My mum is the same btw).

There is nothing you can do about it. I would not comment on it, nor try and change her or try to open her eyes. She will do it when she is ready (or when she is has no other choice but to). Support whatever the vet is saying (and hopefully they’ll be straight talking to her) is the best you can do.

In the mean time, be clear in your own boundaries. It sounds like you are likely to get sucked up in your DM emotions. And this might well be unhealthy both for her and for you.

@Foggydog sorry to hear you’ve gone through similar.

@ManyNameChanges Thank you; really sound advice.

@KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd

Something to consider. For many, if not all, pet owners there is often a 'once in a lifetime' pet. You may have 100s of dogs, 1000s of cats over your lifetime but none will be equal to that one special animal that simply gets into your heart at stays there. Maybe if you've never experienced it, you can't 'get it'.

I had it with our late Choc Lab. I've had dogs before and we have a dog now, but there will never, ever be another Lizzy. We just 'connected'. I love our little Dachsie, but he isn't Lizzy. Maybe this dog is your mum's 'once in a lifetime'. Lizzy has been gone for 10 years and I still shed tears at times when I see a picture or have a memory. My DH has this now with our Dachshund. I joke that if our canoe tipped over it's a good thing I'm a strong swimmer! But it doesn't bother me. It's a special gift from Heaven. And it's not just dogs, I have a cousin who bonded like that with one of her cats. When the cat died, she was devastated.

At any rate, all you can do is leave your mum to manage things as she feels she must (as long as it isn't detrimental to the dog). So she sleeps downstairs, won't leave the dog, fusses and worries constantly. So what? What skin is it off your nose? Is it the bit of time that you have to listen to her that bothers you?

It does sound like the dog is very very ill. And I hope that their vet speaks plainly to her and that she listens. But let the vet be the one to broach the subject, then you can take it from there. I was lucky in that my Lizzy became extremely very suddenly (sudden congestive heart failure) and it was obvious that it was 'time'. But it still broke my heart even though I knew it was the right thing to do.

If the time is right, show her this;

The Last Battle

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this — the last battle — can't be won.
You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close — we two — these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.

— Unknown

My parents’ GSDs (lived to 10, 11 and 9) provoked similar feelings. There was definitely more grief over the death of the dog than my grandmother, for example. Even when one parent was in hospital for months at a time in a journey involving a ferry, and someone involved in GSD rescue popped a card through the door saying “if you ever need ddog watched for a few hours, then just ring”, no one else was allowed to help.

you just have to coast, watch, observe, and be there to an acceptable degree when they need it.