Mum’s inability to accept death of dog

[KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd]

The irony of my username is not lost, but I’m a long time poster, and have name changed for this. Let me preface this by saying I have 2 cats whom I adore and have experienced losing much-loved pets before.

My parents’ lovely German Shepherd is 13 1/2 years old, and yesterday she seemingly fainted, having not eaten properly for a week and is struggling to walk etc. I fear she is sadly nearing the end.

My mum is absolutely hysterical about her impending death and has been saying for the last 5 years “She’s SO ill, this will be her last Christmas” etc. Her whole life has been put on hold because she is convinced she is going to die imminently.

My parents haven’t been on holiday for 5 years as my mum won’t let anyone look after her, one of them has slept downstairs with her every single night for the last 2 years and the maximum time they’ll leave her in the house alone is 4 hours. She has never let any of the rest of the family so much as walk the dog, even if she’s present (a solo walk would be unthinkable).

She didn’t sleep a wink last night as she just watched the dog in the kitchen.

I’m really struggling with her dramatics over the situation as whilst I am fully aware of how hard it is, surely one enters the realms of owning a pet knowing there is a good chance you’ll outlive them and / or make the difficult decision to have them put down. She’s acting like she thought the dog would be immortal and I don’t know how to handle it 😭

Any advice on how to deal with this greatly appreciated. Is it worth reminding her that she’s not evil to make the kind decision to consider euthanasia if the dog is in pain, or would that be cruel? I’m worried how she will be in the weeks following the dog’s death…

As so often on threads on MN, I suspect that there is more to this in the OP's childhood and how her mother treated her. Hope you are OK OP

Perhaps she's been missing something in her life and the dog has fulfilled a need

Or maybe she just really loves her dog?

Doesn't matter. It still breaks your heart.

A couple of friends have recently lost their dogs.

I'm still heartbroken and it's nothing compared to how they feel.

No, she was controlling and dictatorial. Very OTT if my brother or I were ill though. Maybe it has messed me up subconsciously, but my OP genuinely did come from a place of not knowing how to handle the fact the dog’s imminent death seems inevitable but my mum doesn’t seem to be considering it an option, for both her sake and the dog’s.

You are getting a hard time on here OP, but I see where you are coming from. I find histrionics wearing. Pet's die, it hurts like hell and is the price of pet ownership. There is no avoiding it and it is cruel to make an animal suffer to spare your own feelings. A good pet owner puts their pet's needs first - better a day too soon than a day too late.

If it is any consolation, the loudest wailers are usually the shallowist feelers so I suspect you may be surprised by how well your mum bounces back when the inevitable happens.

I don't agree,the love you recieve from a dog is unconditional.They don't care what you look like,if you're rich or poor,always excited to see you when you come home,they just love you for you and that's priceless.You very rarely get that from a human.
My little dog comes everywhere with me apart from work and shopping,she's my little shadow.
I'd much rather spend my time with her than with humans who often treat others like shit.
You never get that from a dog.

I disagree completely. It is up to a person what makes their life meaningful at a given time. Parents devote 18 years to their kids...I know it isn't the same but kids grow up and some parents feel bereft when they leave home. A dog dies. Doesn't mean the time spent being devoted to it was nuts.

Same. I'd never left ddog - if I'm going out I either went somewhere I could take ddog or went for a shorter time or got one of my adult kids to do dog duty (as we called it).

I didn't think that was unusual? Dogs shouldn't be left for more than about 4 hours?

I have to be honest I don't understand what your problem is? It appears to me you lack empathy in all honesty.

If my dog was 13 and showed signs of being ill you best believe that I would not be leaving him with sitters to go away if I could at all help it, and I would be working my life around making sure he was as comfortable as possible - if that meant sleeping with him in the kitchen then so be it.

I would not consider any of this (nor do I consider any of what your seemingly lovely mum is doing) to be in any way dramatic - rather just showing him the love he has shown me in his life.

NB. - dogs shouldnt really be left for four hours or longer in any case whether theyre ill or not. Not leaving him for longer isnt dramatic, just good dog ownership.

Well, my mum was similar about her dog, it was a very similar situation actually, including putting life on hold because of the dog. Quite frustrating at times actually, when she wouldn't join in with things because of the dog. There wasn't anything I could do or say about it so I just had to reduce time talking about it. She wasn't going to change. When the dog died it was pretty awful for my mum for sure, but I'd say she went through a 'normal' grieving process with it all.

But you do know someone who sleeps downstairs with her dog. Your Mum does. But that doesn't count in your little limited Facebook Land eh?

You clearly care more about your opinion on the situation than you do about your mother's feelings on the situation. WTF do you think you are exactly, OP?

And your Mum is very obviously not 'in denial' - she is fearful about the reality of what is inevitably to come. She is hopefully in denial of your insensitive interpretation however.

I think most dog owners would consider four hours the maximum time to leave a dog alone.

I’m a cat person and have always been until I got my previous dog . She passed away unexpectedly and her loss was for me as big as loosing a family member . Your parents are dealing with other the possible loss of a loved one . Let them be . It’s not up to you to decide what is important to others

ODFOD

To some people, yes it very is.

I would 100% mention euthanasia - having our pets put to sleep when they are in pain and suffering is our last obligation to them. I adore my dogs but would never prolong their suffering.

@KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd There are some details in your OP that make me wonder if this is not just about the dog. Imo its really not love to watch an extremely old, sick dog and refuse euthanasia.

I think you should take a step back; you are not responsible for this situation and you can't fix it. The end is inevitable, there is likely to be fall out and you don't want it to be redirected on to you.

Wiluli…. Totally agree with you.
It’s not your call. Leave them be.

This is where I was coming from.

But she's talking to a vet now? So why on earth would you sweep in pontificating about euthanasia? Fgs leave her alone unless you can bear to be kind.

But you do know someone who sleeps downstairs with her dog. Your Mum does. But that doesn't count in your little limited Facebook Land eh?

You clearly care more about your opinion on the situation than you do about your mother's feelings on the situation. WTF do you think you are exactly, OP?

And your Mum is very obviously not 'in denial' - she is fearful about the reality of what is inevitably to come. She is hopefully in denial of your insensitive interpretation however.

What a vitriolic post.

It's very different, I think. Dogs are sometimes companions in the way cats can never be.

To be honest I would also mention euthanasia. And yes, I've done it for my own pets and bawled my eyes out (afterwards, having held them calmly when they slipped away). A 13 year old GSD that hasn't eaten properly for a week is rapidly approaching the end of its natural lifespan. Our vet always told us 'better a week too early than a day too late'.

She is speaking to a vet.

I haven't rtft, OP, but I have two alternative thoughts.

First, for you, OP: I don't quite agree that it's not your place to say anything. Yes, consult the vet, but at this stage in a dog's life, vets will give the advice they think you want to hear. Personally for me, my vet in France is too keen to keep our poor four-legged friends hanging on a thread for as long as possible, whereas I'm more about quality of life. I get that at his age your parent's DD won't be frolicking around with his doggy friends, and gradual decline is normal and OK... but there comes a point when the dog is telling you he's ready. And I would argue, at his age and after not eating for a whole week, then fainting, this might be the time.

My less than jolly mantra that I trot out to anyone who will listen, is "better a week too early than a minute too late". I just cannot bear to see my darlings suffer. So, for instance, it has happened twice that I asked the vet to come to us, and had to insist that it was time. Each time incidentally, the vet agreed with me when he arrived, and everything was done with senstivity and love.

So, unlike others on this thread, I would say something to your mum. I would gently remind her that it's a duty and privilege to be able to manage your pet's exit from this world... and that sometimes, the owner's position trumps the vet's. Although I think it's unlikely your mum will agree that it's time, in your position I would be compelled to at least try to talk to her about it.

My other observation is to a PP who somehow thinks "cats are not the same" and that this was a constructive observation to make on here. Rubbish. If anything, it can be more powerful between a human and their DC - dear cat. Human and DH - dear horse - likewise.

Oh, and just some other thoughts. It's totally normal to sleep next to your ailing dog. It would be very hard to get any sleep if you were worrying about them taking a turn for the worse in the night.

I have a baby son and two dogs. I mention I have a baby for perspective. When my dogs
die I will be utterly devastated. So will my DH. I just don’t know how we will get over it. We totally adore them, they are a huge part of our family. Your mum clearly adores her dog. Allow her to grieve in any way she needs to. Your love for your cats is clearly not the same!