Mum’s inability to accept death of dog

[KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd]

The irony of my username is not lost, but I’m a long time poster, and have name changed for this. Let me preface this by saying I have 2 cats whom I adore and have experienced losing much-loved pets before.

My parents’ lovely German Shepherd is 13 1/2 years old, and yesterday she seemingly fainted, having not eaten properly for a week and is struggling to walk etc. I fear she is sadly nearing the end.

My mum is absolutely hysterical about her impending death and has been saying for the last 5 years “She’s SO ill, this will be her last Christmas” etc. Her whole life has been put on hold because she is convinced she is going to die imminently.

My parents haven’t been on holiday for 5 years as my mum won’t let anyone look after her, one of them has slept downstairs with her every single night for the last 2 years and the maximum time they’ll leave her in the house alone is 4 hours. She has never let any of the rest of the family so much as walk the dog, even if she’s present (a solo walk would be unthinkable).

She didn’t sleep a wink last night as she just watched the dog in the kitchen.

I’m really struggling with her dramatics over the situation as whilst I am fully aware of how hard it is, surely one enters the realms of owning a pet knowing there is a good chance you’ll outlive them and / or make the difficult decision to have them put down. She’s acting like she thought the dog would be immortal and I don’t know how to handle it 😭

Any advice on how to deal with this greatly appreciated. Is it worth reminding her that she’s not evil to make the kind decision to consider euthanasia if the dog is in pain, or would that be cruel? I’m worried how she will be in the weeks following the dog’s death…

German shepherds are a fantastically loyal breed, and your parents obviously feel the same sense of loyalty back!

It’s doesn’t affect you that they sleep next to the dog, or that they don’t go on holiday. They find joy being with their dog, it’s not the same way you find joy but that doesn’t mean you should judge.

It very hard to lose a dog, I would be there for your mum as best you can by listening to her and reminding her what a beautiful life the dog has had and how much love it’s know

Her marriage is none of your business. You sound unpleasant and unsupportive, at best. It's nothing to do with you, it's her grief not yours. So long as she doesn't prolong her dogs pain to postpone her own. It's harrowing when you know it's time. Get some empathy op ffs.

How awful for the dog and your mum. It sounds like your mum is facing terrible grief at the prospect of losing the dog and as a dog owner I completely understand this. Nothing prepares you for it. Dogs give unconditional love and the bond is often more pure and intense than a human to human relationship.

But the dog sounds very near the end and probably suffering. Love is about letting go, as trite as that is. I think all you can do is encourage her to speak to the vet and be supportive when the end inevitably comes. Try not to judge. Losing a dog is truly awful. I'm not in denial that my 13 year old dog will die at some point -as healthy as she seems now- but some people can't face the reality until they have to. If she can't cope she may need therapy or other professional support.

I'm was much more attached to my cat than my dog.

Maybe not to you but you don't get to dictate others feelings. Lots of people really love their cats, many care little for their dogs. Stop projecting your feelings onto the world as fact!

The thing is op, I could've rationally discussed putting the dog to sleep and thought I wouldn't struggle (much like you say re your cats).

But when hardy came to hardy I put it off by at least a week because I wanted to try just one more thing. And another.

My GSD died very suddenly aged nearly 6;I was absolutely devastated.I have another large breed dog who's now getting really old and I worry about him constantly.I'm not overly keen to leave him when I'm on holiday but the kennels are outstanding so he's in good hands.Try to cut your mum a little slack.

I hear you. I grew up with many dogs and have dogs now it's a very difficult time when they reach the end of life but of course one has to accept they can't go on forever. I have sympathy with both your positions to be honest. I think the best thing is to let your Mum be, support her as much as you can as long as there is no inadvertent cruelty to ddog. Your judgement on her choices now isn't going to help your relationship when ddog does inevitably cross the old rainbow bridge.

I've had cats as pets all my life and I then got my first ever dog. I definitely give and receive much more affection from my dog and she is always overwhelmed with excitement when I return to the house.
I did cry when my dear cats had to be put to sleep, but my dear dog will be much much worse to bear when her her time comes.

You do sound resentful, OP. I'm sure you'll deny this but I wonder whether your mum was less than indulgent towards you as a child so now it bothers you to see her acting indulgently towards a dog. (This is a really common experience.)

I can understand where your mom is coming from as I too love with my dog with all my heart,I think I would be exactly like your mom in her situation.I think you should just let your mom handle it her own way and just be there for her when her beloved dog passes away.
My dog is nearly 4 so hopefully has a lot more time with me yet but just the thought of the day she's no longer with me brings me to tears as I love her so much.

Yes I was thinking this. It is very common!

I wish it were none of my business, but unfortunately she involves me in that too, but that’s a different story.

I mentioned the fact one of them has slept downstairs with the dog as it demonstrates the extent to which my mum, in particular, puts the dog above all else (it was her decision in the first instance). I have genuinely never known anyone to do this, and I know plenty of dog owners.

Not for one second have I said I don’t care about her feelings, nor that I think she should just get over it, but she is also not even thinking about putting the poor dog to sleep when she is seemingly very poorly and has, fortunately up to now, long exceeded her life expectancy.

I am inclined to agree with you OP that your DM isn't behaving particularly rationally but people often don't.
Saying something isn't likely to go down well so I would just back off a bit and let her get on with it.

The relationship she had with the dog was obviously filling gaps in her life.

Devoting your life to a dog is just as meaningful an existence as any other and doesn't harm anyone. She will need loving support through this inevitable loss, it will be especially painful if due to age ill health or other circumstances it is her last dog.

@KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd my dog slept in the bed with me. If my gentleman friend hadn't been happy to accept that, it wouldn't have been the dog I'd have got rid of ...

What you are describing is not normal and is not a healthy situation. A pet should not be taking over your entire life for 5 years.

Almost all pets live much shorter lives than people. Yes it is sad when a much loved pet dies but to allow it to stop you going on holiday for 5 years is nuts.

If this is a common experience, then that it is terribly sad for those children to be treated less kindly than a dog, but I’m sure I’ll be told that’s unreasonable too.

I think its just how some of us are, I'm 29 and my chihuahua got put down last spring this was after months and months of round the clock care from me, she had serious heart problems we're talking 9 tablets through the course of a day, couldn't leave her for very long constantly worrying, up multiple times during the night for months on end, going back wards and forwards to the vets, it just becomes a way of life.
I think from an outside perspective people must of thought I was mad, I missed a important funeral because I couldn't leave her all day, but thats a dog owners love I suppose x
I'd say give your mum a big leeway its sad knowing they haven't got long left x

Not leaving the dog for more than 4 hours isn't dramatic - it's just good dog ownership. I do exactly the same and time dog walkers etc to make sure DDs aren't alone for more than 4 hours.

Terribly sad, yes. Was your mum as kind and indulgent to you growing up as she is to the dog now?

Just because you would rather go holiday than stay at home with your pet , it doesn't mean the OPs mum is nuts for choosing the opposite position.

I think you need to encourage your mum to take the dog to the vet. It must be in distress and pain by now. The vet will talk through options with her.

I know the Blue Cross has a bereavement line. Maybe see if you vet can recommend anything else.

I'd say rather than thinking DDog is immortal, your DM has had health and death anxiety over it for a few years and has in general been overprotective.
I can see why, dogs are like children and a big part of your life - unlike cats, it's not quite the same. I have a dog, he sleeps with me most nights, I used to have a cat. Dogs take up more investment of your time by training, walking and nurturing, whereas cats require limited training and do their own thing really -not saying you don't love your cats, it's just deeper with a dog.
Having said all that, she has been behaving very posessively around the dog , which says as much about her personality and a tendency to latch onto things as in anxious attachment. Perhaps she's been missing something in her life and the dog has fulfilled a need.
It will be hard when it happens, but it might actually set her free, in the long run,to form healthier attachments with others around her who she may have neglected while being a bit obsessed over her dog.
All you can do is take a back seat for now, best if she comes to her own realisation with the help of a vet when the time comes.

I'd rather ddog had a happy life than I went on holiday. We have a friend who comes and lives in my house and looks after my animals when we go away, if she can't come we don't go.