Mum’s inability to accept death of dog

[KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd]

The irony of my username is not lost, but I’m a long time poster, and have name changed for this. Let me preface this by saying I have 2 cats whom I adore and have experienced losing much-loved pets before.

My parents’ lovely German Shepherd is 13 1/2 years old, and yesterday she seemingly fainted, having not eaten properly for a week and is struggling to walk etc. I fear she is sadly nearing the end.

My mum is absolutely hysterical about her impending death and has been saying for the last 5 years “She’s SO ill, this will be her last Christmas” etc. Her whole life has been put on hold because she is convinced she is going to die imminently.

My parents haven’t been on holiday for 5 years as my mum won’t let anyone look after her, one of them has slept downstairs with her every single night for the last 2 years and the maximum time they’ll leave her in the house alone is 4 hours. She has never let any of the rest of the family so much as walk the dog, even if she’s present (a solo walk would be unthinkable).

She didn’t sleep a wink last night as she just watched the dog in the kitchen.

I’m really struggling with her dramatics over the situation as whilst I am fully aware of how hard it is, surely one enters the realms of owning a pet knowing there is a good chance you’ll outlive them and / or make the difficult decision to have them put down. She’s acting like she thought the dog would be immortal and I don’t know how to handle it 😭

Any advice on how to deal with this greatly appreciated. Is it worth reminding her that she’s not evil to make the kind decision to consider euthanasia if the dog is in pain, or would that be cruel? I’m worried how she will be in the weeks following the dog’s death…

Absolutely nothing to do with what I said. OP’s mum isn’t prolonging the life of a dog that needs to be put down. She’s very anxious because the dog had an episode. We don’t know to what level the dog is struggling with mobility, what the vet has said, etc. All we’ve got is the OP’s opinion that her mum is OTT with the dog.
You’re acting like a vet has told her the dog needs to be put down and she’s refusing.

Why do people seem so keen to kill old dogs? Why aren’t people allowed to grieve over them when they die? I just don’t get this mentality. OBVIOUSLY when the vet says it’s time then you need to say goodbye. But looking after an old dog who may well get better is not cruel.

Because some of us have professional expertise of the evidence - and a GSD of this age without painful arthritis, dental disease etc is vanishingly unlikely.

where does OP say it’s an ‘episode’ exactly? the owner has been sleeping downstairs for 2 years - I presume because the dog is too painful to climb stairs - that’s not an episode.

you don’t get this mentality because you aren’t considering the dog’s experience. This is a dog in debilitating chronic pain, who has limited mobility, who cannot walk, play or do any fun ‘doggy’ things. Her pleasures are minimal. Her pain will be constant.

A humane, dignified and peaceful death is not the worst thing that can happen.

Chronic suffering, pain, thirst and hunger, or nausea are much worse.

those of us who put the animal’s well-being first are sensible enough to recognise that a 13 1/2 year old GSD is not going to suddenly recover and start banging out 5km walks, chasing balls or doing anything fun. She’s going to rot slowly from the inside, in pain which the info from the OP shows is not managed.

She doesn’t have to suffer that experience.

A genuinely caring owner would acknowledge that, no matter how painful it might be

Because some of us have professional expertise of the evidence - and a GSD of this age without painful arthritis, dental disease etc is vanishingly unlikely

Wow. You are literally making stuff up about a dog and person you know nothing about. AND trying to bluster your way through by insisting you are a professional. Interesting.

@ttcat37
FWIW - I have a 15 year old (medium breed) dog. She’s on 4 types of pain relief and also medication to support her cognitive function. She banged out a 6km walk with no ill effects last week and comfortably climbs the stairs to bed every night.

It’s not about wanting to kill older dogs. It’s about wanting to safeguard their welfare, nothing in the OP suggests her parents are doing that.

@Tirednest
Or just taking an evidence-informed stance

arthritis affects 80% of dogs over the age of 8 and GSD’s are predisposed to arthritis over and above this.

caninearthritis.co.uk/what-is-arthritis/arthritis-the-basics/

citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=1a9474c44c4837e207536d7b3b1cd3ff4f066140

Painful periodontal disease disproportionately affects GSDs and is common from around age 4

journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0090501

what’s your opinion based on? And what do you think the likelihood is that a 13 1/2 year old GSD who can’t climb stairs and has eaten very little for a week is going to recover to live a long happy life?

I’ll accept your apology any time you like though I doubt it’ll be forthcoming. In my experience people who dismiss others as ‘making stuff up’ when they’re clearly clueless themselves aren’t really in the ‘learn and grow’ camp 😂

The dog certainly doesn't sound very well at all, but they are talking to the vet. Your comment about them letting her rot from the inside was absolutely terrible. Shame on you.

So are you a vet?

My GSD is almost 13. He does have mild arthritis, which is treated, but no dental disease.

OP doesn’t say the dog can’t do stairs. Just that she sleeps downstairs with it because she is constantly worried it’s going to die. She doesn’t say that this has ever happened before or if dog has even been ill in this time. My dog sleeps downstairs. He can do stairs!

Where has the OP said that the dog is constantly in pain and can’t play or walk etc? She just said it fainted and is wobbly because it’s not eaten.

My almost 13 year old GSD, in the last year has been in intensive care and almost died. He bounced back quickly. He does chase balls and he does bang out 5km walks. He had a full blood count at Christmas and everything is in the normal or optimal range.

You’re mistaken when you say ‘she’s put her whole life on hold for the dog’… no, she’s put what you consider priorities on hold.. her priority IS the dog. That’s what it’s about at the very end. What does the vet say?? I would see if you can speak to the vet and see what the prognosis might be. Sometimes letting them go is the less cruel option when they have no quality of life left. That balance is up to your mum to decide though - only she knows her dog and when life is too much. But you can certainly be supportive and help her through.

We had our 19 year old put to sleep a couple of years ago. The last few years he was unwell on and off and I felt we were living on eggshells waiting for him to go. The decline was quite slow so it was hard to see how little his life had become but when he was blind, deaf, sore, then became incontinent and starting losing weight we decided he had had a good time and that his life was becoming miserable.
I still miss him ♥️ The only thing I can suggest to help is another dog… losing my first (when I only had one) was so painful that I decided I’ll always aim to have two now!!! When you lose a beloved dog it’s like a light going off in your life. The only thing they leave behind is a dog shaped hole in your household… for me, adopting another in need in their place is the legacy they leave and makes it the heart break worth it. Xx

So you think saying the truth is worse than experiencing it? I don’t

I could cushion the words but it amounts to the same thing and is the truth.

I’m not the one defending what amounts to animal neglect, or criticising evidence, based on nothing but your own personal discomfort.

you can dismiss the evidence and try and shane me all you like. it doesn’t make you any more right 🤷‍♀️

And if your dog could do stairs would you voluntarily sleep downstairs for 2 years rather than in your own bed with the dog nearby?

why?

and why do you think the dog’s not eaten much for a week ?

Also chronic pain is massively under diagnosed even by primary care vets.

I would not expect the OP as an untrained person who has limited contact with the dog to reliably diagnose it.

Maybe you could accompany your mum to the vets and make sure the dog has pain relief (not necessarily permanently but something they can give at home on a bad day) and open up conversations about the prognosis and the quality of life. Might be hard for your mum to see how far he has gone (I found that hard to see if im
honest for our dog) and maybe you could join ‘their side’ and help them through this time. Xx

Oh stop it. You are suggesting that some rando on the internet knows more about a dog they've literally never seen than the owners do? You sound deluded.

Well I know more than one person who has slept downstairs with their dog when necessary.

Nope that’s not what I’m suggesting, but if calling me names makes you feel ‘justified’ crack on.

all you’ve done is dismiss and name-call - it’s hardly a compelling perspective 🤷‍♀️

I get this. I adore my dog, he’s literally there by my side through everything. I do have a life outside of owning a dog and I fully accept one day he will die, but I know the loss will hit me hard. My mum lost her 8yr old lab 2wks ago and it’s hit her very hard. So unexpected too. I don’t think there’s anyone wrong with gently mentioning euthanasia - as sometimes people struggle with taking that decision and let their dogs suffer on.

So you’re not a vet then?

Well, practically, there is no space for him and his bed upstairs in our little cottage, and it’s warmer downstairs which he seems to prefer in his old age.
OP’s point about her mother is that mother thinks the dog might die at any minute simply because it’s old and that’s why she stays with it. Have you considered that perhaps she’s using it as an excuse not to share a bed with her DH who it seems there are issues with?

I’m not psychic but it could be anything couldn't it? Feeling poorly puts them off their food. When mine was ill, he wasn’t eating or drinking, probably due to the vast amounts of blood coming out of his arse. I will say if the dog’s not eaten or drunk for a week (seems unlikely re drinking) then it probably needs a drip. Dehydration especially in old dogs is really dangerous.

And I’m not psychic either.

which is why I’m using evidence rather than anecdote or supposition

But you’ve guessed completely at what might be wrong with the dog or why it doesn’t go upstairs, used the fact that it doesn’t go upstairs to guess that that’s because it’s in chronic pain, and then provided some irrelevant articles, tried to suggest you’re a vet, but aren’t, and implied the dog should be put out of misery which we don’t even know it’s experiencing??

Gosh that’s an awful lot of supposition and dismissal in one post!

interesting that you think research articles about common diseases in elderly GSD’s are ‘irrelevant’ to an elderly GSD.

i guess your opinion is much more reliable 😂

and the only person who seems to be making assumptions about my job is you - it’s a bit weird tbh that you assume you know so much about me - based on absolutely no information.

But then that does rather seem to be a habit you have…

Regarding putting a dog to sleep, always better a day too early than a day too late and the poor dog suffers as a result. Euthanasia is the hardest but kindest thing owners can do for their much loved pets. I always advise to hold back the tears until the pet has passed as dogs particularly can become distressed picking up on their owner's sadness and tears.

"Any advice on how to deal with this greatly appreciated"

You don't. Because this is NOT about you, it is about your mum and her dog. Let her grieve in her own way, and if you find yourself being too judgemental to just be there for her in her time of need, then please keep your distance and don't make it harder for her by implying she's "hysterical" and should get over it.

There's an article in the Times about this today. It makes the point that there is no hierarchy of pets and you can be as upset about losing a guinea pig as you can about a cat.

Well of course you CAN be. But a guinea pig can't be a companion in the way a dog can really. They are cute and I'd imagine they have their own personalities. But it's subjective of course. I was sad when our guinea pig died, but I got over it pretty quickly.