Mum’s inability to accept death of dog

[KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd]

The irony of my username is not lost, but I’m a long time poster, and have name changed for this. Let me preface this by saying I have 2 cats whom I adore and have experienced losing much-loved pets before.

My parents’ lovely German Shepherd is 13 1/2 years old, and yesterday she seemingly fainted, having not eaten properly for a week and is struggling to walk etc. I fear she is sadly nearing the end.

My mum is absolutely hysterical about her impending death and has been saying for the last 5 years “She’s SO ill, this will be her last Christmas” etc. Her whole life has been put on hold because she is convinced she is going to die imminently.

My parents haven’t been on holiday for 5 years as my mum won’t let anyone look after her, one of them has slept downstairs with her every single night for the last 2 years and the maximum time they’ll leave her in the house alone is 4 hours. She has never let any of the rest of the family so much as walk the dog, even if she’s present (a solo walk would be unthinkable).

She didn’t sleep a wink last night as she just watched the dog in the kitchen.

I’m really struggling with her dramatics over the situation as whilst I am fully aware of how hard it is, surely one enters the realms of owning a pet knowing there is a good chance you’ll outlive them and / or make the difficult decision to have them put down. She’s acting like she thought the dog would be immortal and I don’t know how to handle it 😭

Any advice on how to deal with this greatly appreciated. Is it worth reminding her that she’s not evil to make the kind decision to consider euthanasia if the dog is in pain, or would that be cruel? I’m worried how she will be in the weeks following the dog’s death…

@Floralnomad I'm very sorry to hear about your Mum 💐but in what way do you think your post is going to help the OP?

By the time being right....I mean AFTER the vet has spoken to her.

Not a doggy person.

I wouldn't be able to deal with this level of doggy obsession with a relative - their entire lives revolving around an animal. Pets are supposed to enhance your life, not dominate and dictate it to the point the OP describes. The whole Christmas thing is a case in point - the dog has zero concept of "Christmas" and it's weird that the mother is treating the dog as if it's an elderly relative or something.

There are 2 kinds of pet owners, those who would go to the ends of the earth for their pets, and those who wouldn’t. Your mum is in the former category and you are in the latter. Let her do what she needs to do until the dog goes. Then let her grieve and help her see that she gave the dog a wonderful life and she has an amazing X years of memories.

I just wanted to know if it would be insensitive to try and encourage them to consider euthanasia as an option given that my mum, in particular, appears to be in denial about the dog’s mortality

that makes NO sense?!?!

you think your mum is too attached to her dig, prioritises her dog too much & is in denial of her mortality.

How do you think suggesting she has her euthanised (killed) is going to help?

(I know you've said you won't suggest it, thank god, but I don't understand why you even thought suggesting it was appropriate).

Its not easy to make the call in good time, but the vets will help her 'see sense' if her dog is unwell and 'it's time'.

Just for god sake think before you speak when the time comes!

No, it's not the time to say 'at last, you can go on holiday now'

' well, probably for the best, you can both sleep in the bed now'

etc etc

I've had both and it's exactly the same

It was the same with my rabbits too

In my experience the waily exuberent 'I wuv them so much, I'd go to the ends iof the earth etc' ones are the the worst kind of pet owners, letting an animal suffer at the end for their own emotional neediness.

I am the pragmatic pet owner that always does what I believe to be in the animal's best interest and does not make an opera out of it. You can suffer in silence, you know.

I beg to differ!
Have had just as strong relationships with cats as dogs.
Ludicrous thing to suggest.

My mum lost her dog it was horrific, didn't cope at all. She said she felt like she lost a daughter. She would cry and cry for months on end!

@KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd My Soulmate first dog had terminal osteosarcoma.
I called vet out to put her to sleep painlessly on my bed.
I kept mood calm , but inside heart was breaking.

However.
Joined a FB group for dogs with this terrible condition and owners were keeping dogs going where the dog was grossly disabled and distorted with bone tumour and the cancer had spread to lungs

Owners say they “love dog too much to let it go.”
ThIs is what your mother is at risk of being like.

Animal’s welfare must come first.
No matter what.

And having cats just isn't the same

What a very odd thing to say.

Please don’t presume to know what kind of pet owner I am. It’s actually a running joke in my family that I’m a massive soft touch with my cats (my mum included) and I adore them. However, I do think that other people are capable of feeding them etc, and I am aware that sadly, one day, they will pass away. If they were ill, I’d do anything for them. But when they’re not ill, I’m happy and I enjoy their company and I’m not constantly anticipating their demise.

My dog died a year ago and I've cried most weeks since then over her. Before that I last cried in the 80s. Pets can really cut to your core, even unemotional old goats like myself. My partner said he wont be nearly so upset when I die, and I feel the same. She's going to be devastated and you should support her if you care about her.

OK OK I take it back about cats, it was a silly thing to say. I think it was just in reaction to the OP saying that she had two cats but didn't feel the same way her mum did about a dog.

I am sure you all love your cats and if I'd ever had a cat who liked me I'd probably feel the same 🐈 😻

Also OP sometimes older people have been surrounded by death for some.time, their friends dying etc. The dogs death may be more affecting because it is another death on top of all the others.

I thought it would help her to come to terms with the inevitable. Whether she hears it from me, the vet or the next door neighbour, the outcome is ultimately the same, but I have conceded that the best person to broach this with her, is indeed the vet.

Honestly. I understand your mum. My dogs are family to me and I was devestated whe my old dog died two years ago. I still cry now.

Your mum can't help how she feels. I feel dogs are different to cats. I have both the bond with a dig os something else

She may be being dramatic but that doesn't take away from her actual distress

please don’t take what I said out of context. I said I am aware of their mortality; that doesn’t make me love them any less. I absolutely don’t understand why my mum constantly assumes the worst rather than having a joyful time with her dog. It’s her pessimism weirdly combined with her not being ok with the fact that one day she will die. It’s obvious from this post that it’s just a different outlook on life & death generally. I do appreciate that it is easier to get outside help with cats though.

The Last Battle

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this — the last battle — can't be won.
You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close — we two — these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.

People differ but I think this is far from normal and I would really struggle to listen to or indulge this. For a human I'd consider it wildly over the top, let alone a pet. Never going on holiday, never being away for more than 4 hours, sleeping beside it every night. I think this is absolutely batshit.

@HeadNorth I truly agree and thank you for saying it. I once made the decision to let a young cat go after he was in an accident that paralysed his back legs. We did the surgery but his recovery was poor and he was showing signs that he was in nerve pain. There were possible other procedures we could have put him through, but they might well have been futile and I am of the firm belief there is a limit to what you can ethically put an animal through. They don't understand why you're doing these painful and invasive things to them. I was devastated.

Funnily enough I then ended up rescuing a scrappy little adolescent female with exactly the same coat pattern as him. She's is now 11 years old and curled up next to me as I type this.

A pet is a pet! You don't love dogs more than cats. If you love your pet, you love your pet, regardless of what species it is.

I definitely love my horses and dogs more than my cat.

God you are more patient then me OP! I would have distanced myself from my mother years ago if she prioritised a dog before spending time with the grandkids.

I'm sorry for her, loosing a pet is devastating but I can see how your patience has run out with it all. Plus if she claims to love her dog she needs to put her own feelings to one side and get the dog some proper end of life care, a week without eating without seeing a vet!?

Why is it ridiculous ? The majority of posts I’ve read are thinking about DMs feelings in all of this. She’s devastated by even the thought of losing the dog. Fine - she’s allowed to be, it’s awful. But why is nobody advocating for the dog, which is old, frail and obviously in distress from what the OP says ? OP, your mum is not evil to consider euthanasia, and despite what some are saying on here, you would not be wrong to gently suggest she thinks about it. Euthanasia is not cruel - if the dog is suffering, it’s a kindness. And having been a loving owner for all of her beloved dogs’ life, this is the last loving act she can do for her.