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Original poster

Mum’s inability to accept death of dog

225 replies

KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd · 10/02/2023 13:20

The irony of my username is not lost, but I’m a long time poster, and have name changed for this. Let me preface this by saying I have 2 cats whom I adore and have experienced losing much-loved pets before.

My parents’ lovely German Shepherd is 13 1/2 years old, and yesterday she seemingly fainted, having not eaten properly for a week and is struggling to walk etc. I fear she is sadly nearing the end.

My mum is absolutely hysterical about her impending death and has been saying for the last 5 years “She’s SO ill, this will be her last Christmas” etc. Her whole life has been put on hold because she is convinced she is going to die imminently.

My parents haven’t been on holiday for 5 years as my mum won’t let anyone look after her, one of them has slept downstairs with her every single night for the last 2 years and the maximum time they’ll leave her in the house alone is 4 hours. She has never let any of the rest of the family so much as walk the dog, even if she’s present (a solo walk would be unthinkable).

She didn’t sleep a wink last night as she just watched the dog in the kitchen.

I’m really struggling with her dramatics over the situation as whilst I am fully aware of how hard it is, surely one enters the realms of owning a pet knowing there is a good chance you’ll outlive them and / or make the difficult decision to have them put down. She’s acting like she thought the dog would be immortal and I don’t know how to handle it 😭

Any advice on how to deal with this greatly appreciated. Is it worth reminding her that she’s not evil to make the kind decision to consider euthanasia if the dog is in pain, or would that be cruel? I’m worried how she will be in the weeks following the dog’s death…

OP posts:
shockthemonkey · 10/02/2023 14:52

Cross-posted with @iloveeverykindofcat

Original poster
KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd · 10/02/2023 14:52

I know that you shouldn’t leave dogs for longer than a specified time, but it would be nice if they trusted a member of the family or a professional to assist them with her care so they could go out a bit longer. Unfortunately they wouldn’t take her out in the car either, so they were hugely restricted. As others have said, I guess it’s not my worry if that’s how they choose to live their life, but I can’t help but feel it is extreme and none of my (real life!) dog owner friends/family are this restrictive.

OP posts:
GrapesOfRoss · 10/02/2023 14:52

KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd · 10/02/2023 14:38

No, she was controlling and dictatorial. Very OTT if my brother or I were ill though. Maybe it has messed me up subconsciously, but my OP genuinely did come from a place of not knowing how to handle the fact the dog’s imminent death seems inevitable but my mum doesn’t seem to be considering it an option, for both her sake and the dog’s.

Show quote history

I'm sorry to hear that. I do wonder whether her indulgence of the dog is pushing some buttons for you.

If she's talking to the vet about euthanasia, I don't think you need to mention it as well. Might be worth chatting about what the vet has said generally and see whether she mentions it herself.

NyanBinaryJohn · 10/02/2023 14:54

My mum is absolutely hysterical about her impending death and has been saying for the last 5 years “She’s SO ill, this will be her last Christmas” etc. Her whole life has been put on hold because she is convinced she is going to die imminently.

This is the bit that stood out to me as unhealthy.

The loss of two cats had me in bits both times, and I nursed both of them through illness until they indicated their time had come.

So I understand the grief, but with no indication the dog is ill despite her DM's claims for the last 5 (!) years, I also interpret it all as a bit unhealthy.

CallMeBettyBoop · 10/02/2023 14:55

My own adored DDog passed almost 2 years ago and I still miss him every single day. Sounds as though you are jealous of the bond your DM has with her DDog.

icefishing · 10/02/2023 14:56

It's very different, I think. Dogs are sometimes companions in the way cats can never be.

Hmm. My cat was super smart and demanded a relationship of equals.

My dog is a dimwit who is very needy.

I found my relationship with my cat infinitely more rewarding.

OldPosterNewUsername · 10/02/2023 14:58

Viviennemary · 10/02/2023 13:49

Just seen your last post. Dont suggest euthanasia. Let the vet advise them.

Agree DO NOT suugest euthanasia please.

If you suggested that to me about my cat even if you were right that would be unforgivable right now.

Original poster
KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd · 10/02/2023 14:58

@GrapesOfRoss yes, hopefully the vet will discuss it as an option.

Yes, you could be right re: my childhood. It could even be the way she’s reacting and always expecting the worst that is triggering (as was the case if we were unwell).

OP posts:
Wetblanket78 · 10/02/2023 14:58

It's unfair to keep an animal alive if suffering to keep the owner happy. She knows she gave that dog her all and loved. As a responsible pet owner that's all we can do.

Original poster
KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd · 10/02/2023 14:59

CallMeBettyBoop · 10/02/2023 14:55

My own adored DDog passed almost 2 years ago and I still miss him every single day. Sounds as though you are jealous of the bond your DM has with her DDog.

Or I think she needs to be realistic for the sake of the dog?

OP posts:
iloveeverykindofcat · 10/02/2023 15:00

at this stage in a dog's life, vets will give the advice they think you want to hear

Not necessarily, our vet is pretty frank.

Twentypast · 10/02/2023 15:00

Our dog was diagnosed with cancer and we cancelled a holiday as she was having chemo and couldn't leave him. She's now in remission but could drop out any time and will have palliative care. We won't leave her because of the that. So no holidays for us either now until she's gone. The vet has made it clear to us that when it's time, it's time and although we will be heartbroken it's our responsibility to ensure she doesn't suffer. I hope your mum comes to that conclusion. They kindest thing to do sometimes although the hardest.

SockGoddess · 10/02/2023 15:01

I think just affirming her feelings can help in this situation. They might be OTT, or seem so to you, but don't worry about that and just say things like "this is so upsetting for you", "poor X, this is so awful, I can understand why you're so worried", "what can I do, can I get you a cup of tea", "how are you feeling about the dog situation today, have you been alright" etc (if your relationship is such that you can do that in a genuine heartfelt way - I do understand if not).

Sometimes people just need to go through those feelings, however dramatic, and be heard, to get to the next stage if that makes sense.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 10/02/2023 15:02

You mum's behaviour is totally ridiculous, but it is not your business to intervene.

80s · 10/02/2023 15:03

with no indication the dog is ill despite her DM's claims for the last 5 (!) years
To be fair, though, the dog has been old for the last 5 years - it's really ancient now. The idea of the dog being close to death at 8.5 years old is not totally stretching it when the average GS lives to the age of 9-13.

Gymmum82 · 10/02/2023 15:03

Tirednest · 10/02/2023 13:37

And having cats just isn't the same.

Yes it is. A pet is a pet. Regardless of species and people are equally attached to their cats as they are dogs. Just because you are a dog person do not belittle other people’s feelings about their animal

Original poster
KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd · 10/02/2023 15:03

Twentypast · 10/02/2023 15:00

Our dog was diagnosed with cancer and we cancelled a holiday as she was having chemo and couldn't leave him. She's now in remission but could drop out any time and will have palliative care. We won't leave her because of the that. So no holidays for us either now until she's gone. The vet has made it clear to us that when it's time, it's time and although we will be heartbroken it's our responsibility to ensure she doesn't suffer. I hope your mum comes to that conclusion. They kindest thing to do sometimes although the hardest.

I’m really sorry to hear this and I totally understand why you’d put holidays on hold in this circumstance. I hope your dog is as OK as can be expected in the circumstances. X

OP posts:
Original poster
KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd · 10/02/2023 15:04

SockGoddess · 10/02/2023 15:01

I think just affirming her feelings can help in this situation. They might be OTT, or seem so to you, but don't worry about that and just say things like "this is so upsetting for you", "poor X, this is so awful, I can understand why you're so worried", "what can I do, can I get you a cup of tea", "how are you feeling about the dog situation today, have you been alright" etc (if your relationship is such that you can do that in a genuine heartfelt way - I do understand if not).

Sometimes people just need to go through those feelings, however dramatic, and be heard, to get to the next stage if that makes sense.

Thank you; great advice.

OP posts:
KILM · 10/02/2023 15:04

Why are people saying OP is being unfeeling, that the dog is ILL and talking about when they nursed their dogs through long illness or lost them suddenly - that's not the situation here, the dog has only been ill a week?

It's understandable your mum is upset now, but the obsessing over it for the last few years when the dog is fine is not healthy. And my dog is absolutely the centre of the universe to me, and if she was ill or very elderly/infirm I would be very single minded... but obsessing over a dog that's not ill or even that old? I do take the point about German Shepherds not living this long but if the dog is fine then isn't it concerning that instead of being able to enjoy the time you have with the dog and mentally preparing yourself for the fact they might become ill, you obsess over it? OP isn't saying its weird her mum cares this much about a dog or that it's weird to be sad if a dog is ill or about to die, she's saying its concerning that her mum has been wound up for YEARS over a dog that is FINE.

Flossiemoss · 10/02/2023 15:05

I suspect your dm wants to live this way. If it wasn’t the dog it would be something else.

I would work on managing your own boundaries so you are only as involved as you wish to be. Your dp will do as they wish regardless.

Emotionalsupportviper · 10/02/2023 15:05

KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd · 10/02/2023 13:20

The irony of my username is not lost, but I’m a long time poster, and have name changed for this. Let me preface this by saying I have 2 cats whom I adore and have experienced losing much-loved pets before.

My parents’ lovely German Shepherd is 13 1/2 years old, and yesterday she seemingly fainted, having not eaten properly for a week and is struggling to walk etc. I fear she is sadly nearing the end.

My mum is absolutely hysterical about her impending death and has been saying for the last 5 years “She’s SO ill, this will be her last Christmas” etc. Her whole life has been put on hold because she is convinced she is going to die imminently.

My parents haven’t been on holiday for 5 years as my mum won’t let anyone look after her, one of them has slept downstairs with her every single night for the last 2 years and the maximum time they’ll leave her in the house alone is 4 hours. She has never let any of the rest of the family so much as walk the dog, even if she’s present (a solo walk would be unthinkable).

She didn’t sleep a wink last night as she just watched the dog in the kitchen.

I’m really struggling with her dramatics over the situation as whilst I am fully aware of how hard it is, surely one enters the realms of owning a pet knowing there is a good chance you’ll outlive them and / or make the difficult decision to have them put down. She’s acting like she thought the dog would be immortal and I don’t know how to handle it 😭

Any advice on how to deal with this greatly appreciated. Is it worth reminding her that she’s not evil to make the kind decision to consider euthanasia if the dog is in pain, or would that be cruel? I’m worried how she will be in the weeks following the dog’s death…

I read somewhere that when an animal is very ill then re: euthanasia "Better a week too soon than a day to late".

I have dogs and cats myself - the decision to let them go is always horrific and it never gets any easier. I have sat and sobbed, just like your mum, at the very thought of parting with a beloved dog.

There are much worse deaths than letting your pet go with the people that she loves around her, reassuring her and calming her, telling her how much she is loved. You can usually get a vet to come to your home if necessary, which minimises the stress to the dog.

I'm so sorry for your mum and dad - they must be broken by this. It's a testament to their loving care that their dog has reached the great age of 13 and a half - that's a very good age for a german shepherd.

She isn't eating, has difficulty walking - incontinence (which is VERY distressing for a dog) will follow soon even if it hasn't already. She'll then develop urine/faces sores on her skin which will ne very painful.

If you can, persuade her to let her lovely dog go now, while she still has dignity and before she becomes too distressed. There is never a right time for the owners, but there is for the dog.

Original poster
KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd · 10/02/2023 15:08

80s · 10/02/2023 15:03

with no indication the dog is ill despite her DM's claims for the last 5 (!) years
To be fair, though, the dog has been old for the last 5 years - it's really ancient now. The idea of the dog being close to death at 8.5 years old is not totally stretching it when the average GS lives to the age of 9-13.

It absolutely is old, I’m the first one to acknowledge she has so far lived to a wonderful age. I suppose if I were her, I’d be happy about this fact, whereas she is very often sad and not enjoying her time with the dog in a positive way if that makes sense?

OP posts:
FurAndFeathers · 10/02/2023 15:08

Tirednest · 10/02/2023 13:36

Aw. I think it's lovely that she's sleeping with ddog. I'm not sure what you are expecting people suggest that you do, except be a shoulder to cry on when ddog dies.

Oh yes it’s lovely the dog is in so much pain for years she can’t manage stairs.
lovely that she’s starving and likely dehydrated
lovely that she’s likely in multiple organ failure

it’s not lovely. It’s utterly selfish and cruel

shockthemonkey · 10/02/2023 15:08

iloveeverykindofcat · 10/02/2023 15:00

at this stage in a dog's life, vets will give the advice they think you want to hear

Not necessarily, our vet is pretty frank.

Fair enough... my vet, then. That was a sweeping generalisation on my part; I really meant to say "some vets".

Twentypast · 10/02/2023 15:09

@shockthemonkey Good vets won't tell you what you what you want to hear.

Ours made it quite clear when we discussed chemo that if she didn't go into remission within 6 weeks or if she didn't easily tolerate chemo (dogs have far fewer side effects than humans usually) then we would stop and go with palliative care until it was time to discuss euthanisia. It was certainly not what we wanted to hear - but it was in the best interest of the dog and that's the sort of vet I want.

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