Mum’s inability to accept death of dog

[KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadd]

The irony of my username is not lost, but I’m a long time poster, and have name changed for this. Let me preface this by saying I have 2 cats whom I adore and have experienced losing much-loved pets before.

My parents’ lovely German Shepherd is 13 1/2 years old, and yesterday she seemingly fainted, having not eaten properly for a week and is struggling to walk etc. I fear she is sadly nearing the end.

My mum is absolutely hysterical about her impending death and has been saying for the last 5 years “She’s SO ill, this will be her last Christmas” etc. Her whole life has been put on hold because she is convinced she is going to die imminently.

My parents haven’t been on holiday for 5 years as my mum won’t let anyone look after her, one of them has slept downstairs with her every single night for the last 2 years and the maximum time they’ll leave her in the house alone is 4 hours. She has never let any of the rest of the family so much as walk the dog, even if she’s present (a solo walk would be unthinkable).

She didn’t sleep a wink last night as she just watched the dog in the kitchen.

I’m really struggling with her dramatics over the situation as whilst I am fully aware of how hard it is, surely one enters the realms of owning a pet knowing there is a good chance you’ll outlive them and / or make the difficult decision to have them put down. She’s acting like she thought the dog would be immortal and I don’t know how to handle it 😭

Any advice on how to deal with this greatly appreciated. Is it worth reminding her that she’s not evil to make the kind decision to consider euthanasia if the dog is in pain, or would that be cruel? I’m worried how she will be in the weeks following the dog’s death…

Why is it odd? I’m worried for her that she is in denial about something that is inevitable (either the dog dies naturally OR they have to consider euthanasia). I am absolutely sympathetic and I love the dog too.

This is why I posted; I obviously have a more rational approach and I have listened and will not discuss potential outcomes with her.

I think you can have pets and lose pets and lots of the time it's sad but you are OK. Sometimes though you have a pet that just gets you and you get it and it's different. I've got too dogs right now and I know I'll be sad when one dies but the other one I adore and I'll be heartbroken. Similarly I had a cat in the past whose death rocked me becasue he was such a special soul, I've had other cats where I've shed tears and missed them but not like him.

The dog has been part of her family for 13 years, that's a long to share to a special bond with an animal. Try to be understanding.

I don't understand why you think she's in denial.

I think this is the difference between being a loving dedicated pet owner and being unreasonable. Out beloved cat lived until he was 18, and we always agreed that when he let us know his time was up, we would never make him suffer as we loved him so much. We were of course devastated to lose him, but we knew we had given him the best possible life and remember him. The same will apply when our lovely 3 year old labrador gets old. He is the light of our lives and a key part of the family, but part of loving him is also knowing how to let him go when the time comes.

She's probably not 'in denial'. She's probably devastated and trying to look at every bright side. Sleeping with your dying dog doesn't mean you are in denial. The last thing she needs is someone pointing out how over dramatic she's being!

Insensitive and ignorant thing to say. Many people seem to think all cat and owner relationships are of the type where there is a cat somewhere in the house, and only gets interacted with to be fed. Not at all the case for all cats and their owners, and indeed many people treat their dogs that way (only really interacting with them to feed them).

My cat sleeps cuddled up to me at night, pats my face with his paw to get my attention, gives me a kiss on the nose every single time I come in the house, plays hide and seek with me, and searches for me when I go out (or so my family members report). It's possible to form a very close bond with any animal.

The OP is just one cat owner though?
She isn't dreading her cats dying and accepts they will.
Not all cat owners are the same..
As not all dog owners are.
There are plenty of cat owners who would act just as OP's parents are.

Your mum is not in denial at all, she is fully aware of her dogs mortality.

I'm more the "control this through reasoning" type too, OP, and I'd also be concerned about the dog being in pain longer because of someone being sad about having it put down. But the vet will most definitely suggest it when it's necessary. Your mum would feel worse hearing it from you, as it's not your job.

I don't blame you for being impatient with her. I hope to God she doesn't prolong the poor animal's suffering.

She hasn’t been dying for the past 2 years though, that’s just a choice. I feel it is OTT as she is married and that is also an important relationship to maintain, but I feel that you’ll probably tell me a dog is more important than a partner.

So the dogs been suffering for a week and it's only now they're in touch with a vet?

she is married and that is also an important relationship to maintain
If you say that your dad's been sleeping downstairs with the dog too, then it sounds like they're on the same page - and his support will be wonderful for their relationship.

She hasn’t been dying for the past 2 years though
She could have died at any time over the past 2 years...

What a bizarre comment. You have a lot to unpack about your mum and her dog, OP!

Are you starting a drip feed as replies aren’t going your way OP? What’s her marriage got to do with anything, or you actually.

They said she hadn’t eaten for a week, yes.

My last dog was 16 and a half.

I had to make the decision.

Whilst I knew he wouldn't last forever, I was still beyond devastated when it came to the bit.

And I didn't go on holiday for 3 years because I wouldn't leave him.

He had multiple health conditions and it was a kindness in the end.

That doesn't mean it didn't break my heart.

I get where your mum is coming from.

My dog has been dying for the past 18 months, her illness can be controlled for a while, she was given 12 months to live and so far is beating the odds.

Well they've done the right thing calling the vet then. Why not find a nice photo of dog and buy a frame as a gift to your mum for when the time comes, or research cremation options if you think that would be comforting after dog dies

My loving husband who I have an excellent relationship with told me he would divorce me if I put the elderly cat down.
He's just ridiculous about the cat
I made him engage with the vet and remarkably the v poorly cat is back to full throttle although it didn't look like that for a while
He's insane about her - I dread it when she goes. She's 17

What did I drip feed? I said in the OP they haven’t shared a bed for 2 years as one of them always sleeps downstairs.

I also don’t think it hasn’t gone my way. I’ve said I won’t say anything to her as it’s been good to hear from others who think differently to me.

My parents’ dog isn’t in this situation though…she’s just suddenly gone downhill. She’s had infected claws and things over the years, but no formal diagnosis of anything.

I still miss my much loved Dcat after several years. She was such a sweet and gentle soul who never ever bit, scratched or even hissed. She was also daft, scatty, and very affectionate.
I was devastated when she died and kept seeing her in odd corners of the house or on the stairs, like a shadow. And I always considered myself a dog person!

Yes, one of them sleeps downstairs which means they are both happy to do it, your post implied they had marriage problems as the marriage was not being “maintained” when clearly they are both happy to do it, sounds like they both on the same page.