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Relationships
DP watches tv in bedroom when I’m trying to sleep
televisionquery · 21/01/2023 20:56
DP always watches TV until late in the bedroom at night. He turns it on when he comes up to bed around 9pm and turns it off around midnight or 1am sometimes later. He watches it every night. I asked him if he could switch it off a little earlier because I’m trying to sleep and it’s hard to sleep with the volume and light, but he says I shouldn’t be putting a curfew on his tv time as he is not a child. I get his point but we also have a new baby in our bedroom who still wakes throughout the night and I’m the one who attends to baby. There’s a perfectly working tv downstairs but he says he would rather watch tv comfortably in bed at night because that’s what he’s grown up doing throughout his life and he won’t change it. He says I’m trying to be controlling by limiting him watching tv. But I’m not, I just want him to reduce the amount or watch it downstairs but he isn’t having any of it. The only compromise he offers is turning the volume down but it’s still annoying for me. Plus I don’t even like what he watches so I don’t particularly enjoy having it on in the background anyway because it’s not stuff I’d typically choose to watch. Any suggestions on how to compromise on this ongoing issue? Am I being unreasonable and selfish for asking him to watch downstairs or reduce the time he watches it upstairs?
BridieConvert · 22/01/2023 22:39
@televisionquery "If it was just me and him, I’d probably not want him any longer. However since now there’s child involved I feel like it is better for the child to have a traditional two parent household if I can help it and wouldn’t want to be the reason baby grows up without having dad around"
Absolutely not. Do NOT fall into the "stay together for the kids" narrative. It is not better. My "dad" was abusive to my mum, we lived in that house until I was 8. I am 31 now and am still dealing with the mental scars from it. I would much have rather grown up in a secure one parent household than an abusive two parent one.
Children are victims in cases of domestic abuse too.
Please do the right thing for both you and your baby - LEAVE
Dontknownow86 · 22/01/2023 22:43
Op you sound so worn down, I feel so sad reading this.
Look on YouTube for the sheer amount of therapists talking about how to heal the damage of having a toxic parent aimed at adults that grew up with one. Treading on eggshells from childhood can really damage your self esteem and chances in life.
He suggested it's a good thing your child is deaf! He is not a good father and his presence will likely cause more harm than good.
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 22/01/2023 22:48
He would definitely go mad at me and punch something closest to him and there’d be a huge argument if I were to be assertive like that
Quietly make plans to end this relationship. He isn't going to get better, only worse. Being a single Mum is AMAZING. Parents staying together "for the kids" is so damaging. Abuse is DAMAGING for children.
You and your baby deserve so much better.
Babasghost · 23/01/2023 00:04
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:46
If it was just me and him, I’d probably not want him any longer. However since now there’s child involved I feel like it is better for the child to have a traditional two parent household if I can help it and wouldn’t want to be the reason baby grows up without having dad around
Idontknowhatnametochoose · 22/01/2023 20:40
Let him leave. He would be doing you and your baby a massive favour! Do you really want this guy?
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:39
He would probably leave if I were to say those words to him. He says no one has the right to be controlling how much tv he watches. He would definitely go mad at me and punch something closest to him and there’d be a huge argument if I were to be assertive like that
Captainfairylights · 22/01/2023 12:55
You sound afraid of him, OP.
He's a bully and this is all about control not TV or anything else.
What would happen if you simply said: "This stops now. We have a baby in this room and you can't watch TV at night in the bedroom anymore. This is not a negotiation, I am informing you that this behaviour is unacceptable and must stop now." ?
Would he hit you? Break something? Punish you?
Most men, even nice ones, in my experience have an inbuilt detector for your bottom line. I have always found that when I articulated it clearly, and with anger behind it, I got my way.
It's exhausting and boring when you have to get to that point too often, which is why my DH is an Ex, but at any rate it is the only way to deal with a bully and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
You have to not back down though, it's really just like an aggressive dog.
Are you trolling us? Two parents in an abusive relationship that harms their child are better than one loving mum. Not a chance.
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 23/01/2023 08:40
Can you flip this
It's not ok for you to "control" his TV use, but it is ok for him to control how much sleep his partner gets, while she is looking after his child.
someone who I presume he is supposed to love
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 23/01/2023 11:44
OP Has come on here and told us what is going on. She knows this is wrong and yet she will stay with this guy. These abuse threads always go the same way with OP defending her abuser
Idontknowhatnametochoose · 23/01/2023 11:58
My Dps used to spent loads of time together, go on holidays etc, while separated, which was partly for my sake but it messed me up so badly because DM was so abusive to my DF. She hated him and criticised him in front of me. I would have had a much happier at bringing if they'd made a clean break and not seen each other at all
Staying for kids does not work.
SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 23/01/2023 13:38
OP everyone on Mumsnet thinks he is a massive cunt, believe them.
SamuelBrown · 24/01/2023 09:44
What the doctors suggest you to do in this case? Is there any possibilty to recover?
SamuelBrown · 24/01/2023 09:45
jojogoesbust · 23/01/2023 13:58
My ex used to do this. We are now divorced
Single is better than double. Enjoy!
Schnooze · 24/01/2023 09:58
Solve the tv issue and it still leaves all the other issues.
You can’t stay with him dictating your life like this. Your baby is better off growing up not remembering living with his dad. It’ll be more painful for him with his dad leaving at an older age. Can you really imagine having your life controlled forever. Tv now, whatever he feels he wants now and in the future?
Mix56 · 24/01/2023 18:30
I assume there is no other bedroom ?
This is horrific
This is you "lot" now. Bully boy not only doesn't help with the baby but is So selfish he doesn't care if the baby is woken, neither whether you get any rest,
If it was me id probably throw the TV out of the window, but he'll probably hurt you if you do that.
What a Prince.
😮😧😢
SultanOfSwing · 24/01/2023 19:44
Take the advice here. You probably think, oh this is not the kind of abuse that effects little children - it is not violent or anything like that. But it is still real and children eventually see it and are hurt by it. You do not want your son growing up with a role model that thinks, Great! A baby with hearing loss! I really lucked out! Now I can watch the tele all I like!
Nanny0gg · 24/01/2023 23:30
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:46
If it was just me and him, I’d probably not want him any longer. However since now there’s child involved I feel like it is better for the child to have a traditional two parent household if I can help it and wouldn’t want to be the reason baby grows up without having dad around
Idontknowhatnametochoose · 22/01/2023 20:40
Let him leave. He would be doing you and your baby a massive favour! Do you really want this guy?
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:39
He would probably leave if I were to say those words to him. He says no one has the right to be controlling how much tv he watches. He would definitely go mad at me and punch something closest to him and there’d be a huge argument if I were to be assertive like that
Captainfairylights · 22/01/2023 12:55
You sound afraid of him, OP.
He's a bully and this is all about control not TV or anything else.
What would happen if you simply said: "This stops now. We have a baby in this room and you can't watch TV at night in the bedroom anymore. This is not a negotiation, I am informing you that this behaviour is unacceptable and must stop now." ?
Would he hit you? Break something? Punish you?
Most men, even nice ones, in my experience have an inbuilt detector for your bottom line. I have always found that when I articulated it clearly, and with anger behind it, I got my way.
It's exhausting and boring when you have to get to that point too often, which is why my DH is an Ex, but at any rate it is the only way to deal with a bully and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
You have to not back down though, it's really just like an aggressive dog.
An abusive household is not a 'traditional' household.
Read back what that pig said about your baby's hearing loss.
You cannot stay with him.
And what if he decides to punch something or throw something right by your baby?
You cannot subject your child to this
Whatisthegoss · 24/01/2023 23:34
Remove the cord. Or tv.
Cut the cord?
Throw a pillow and blanket on the couch before you go to bed.
caffelattetogo · 24/01/2023 23:47
Please look up the Freedom Programme. You are being abused. You and your lovely baby deserve better than this vile bully.
Daftapath · 25/01/2023 09:51
What is your financial situation op? Do you own your house? Do you work full time (once mat leave is over)?
SamuelBrown · 26/01/2023 01:34
caffelattetogo · 24/01/2023 23:47
Please look up the Freedom Programme. You are being abused. You and your lovely baby deserve better than this vile bully.
I appreciate your reply here. Yeah, this will them to give confidence. All the best!
mommatoone · 26/01/2023 17:54
OP , not only does he treat you and baby like shit, what he said about your babies hearing loss is absolutely appalling . He is a bully,and who do you think will be next in line when hes fed up with you? Yes , your poor child. Vile man
ImBlueDab · 26/01/2023 18:01
Everyone you get up for the baby, come back to bed and turn in the telly, if it wakes him tell him you can't get back ri Wellow without it on.
It's appalling game playing but if he won't be considerate I'd start doing the same to him
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