Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Relationships
DP watches tv in bedroom when I’m trying to sleep
televisionquery · 21/01/2023 20:56
DP always watches TV until late in the bedroom at night. He turns it on when he comes up to bed around 9pm and turns it off around midnight or 1am sometimes later. He watches it every night. I asked him if he could switch it off a little earlier because I’m trying to sleep and it’s hard to sleep with the volume and light, but he says I shouldn’t be putting a curfew on his tv time as he is not a child. I get his point but we also have a new baby in our bedroom who still wakes throughout the night and I’m the one who attends to baby. There’s a perfectly working tv downstairs but he says he would rather watch tv comfortably in bed at night because that’s what he’s grown up doing throughout his life and he won’t change it. He says I’m trying to be controlling by limiting him watching tv. But I’m not, I just want him to reduce the amount or watch it downstairs but he isn’t having any of it. The only compromise he offers is turning the volume down but it’s still annoying for me. Plus I don’t even like what he watches so I don’t particularly enjoy having it on in the background anyway because it’s not stuff I’d typically choose to watch. Any suggestions on how to compromise on this ongoing issue? Am I being unreasonable and selfish for asking him to watch downstairs or reduce the time he watches it upstairs?
DolphinDave · 21/01/2023 21:43
This is so awful to read, what a selfish man.
I would go in the nursery with your baby.
Just get through this sleep deprived time, get strong and then get rid of the man you are unfortunate enough to be in a relationship ship with.
I speak from experience, I spent years with man like this, I regret the years I wasted on him.
You and your baby deserve better. Good luck x
MaybelleMary · 21/01/2023 21:44
I am also on maternity leave and my DH takes our baby two nights a week so I can get some sleep. It’s nothing to do with you being on maternity. He’s just a horrible uncaring person @televisionquery
AnOldCynic · 21/01/2023 21:45
Please, don't be attentive regarding his sleep. This is awful behaviour.
Mountainormolehills · 21/01/2023 21:46
I have something similar in my relationship. I have a chronic pain condition and need to go to bed and rest before sleeping. During this time I read my Kindle quietly until I can sleep, with no lights on or one small light on. But my partner comes in and out of the room, talking to me even though I have said goodnight and that I don’t want to talk when reading as it wakes me back up. They also turn on another light, open the wardrobe to get clothes out for the next day etc. When I complained they called me selfish! I’m passive too just like you @televisionquery but it means that I’m being trampled on and my needs are being ignored in favour of my partners wants.
Stay strong but it’s shit isn’t it.
misssunshine4040 · 21/01/2023 21:46
My ex used to stay up late and then come to bed and put on a film to fall asleep to.
(I had work early and we had 2 young kids)It woke me up every night and he didn't care.
My self esteem was low enough to believe I was being moaning and unreasonable to object.
Only since I left the relationship 10 years ago do I gasp at what I put with.
RandomUsernameHere · 21/01/2023 21:47
I'm currently watching tv in bed and DH is asleep. It's only 9:45 though and just about to switch it off. Watching into the early hours is too late.
Tunnocks2022 · 21/01/2023 21:47
You’ve ‘learnt to put up with most things’
Why? You are a person too. You matter as much he does. And he’s meant to love you, his partner and the mother of his child.
It sounds totally intolerable. There are things I put up with in my house - from a 13 year old. Not an adult.
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 21/01/2023 21:48
@televisionquery · Today 21:4
See that’s the thing, I’m always very mindful of his sleep, I attend to baby as soon as I hear him crying so DP isn’t disturbed and I use my phone torch instead of turning on the lights and even then I’m very careful about where I shine the flashlight. I’m considerate as I can be when he’s sleeping and would love the same respect back but he isn’t having it
I wouldn't be having him full stop OP. This is abuse. Imagine what kind of a life you will have with this pig
123boom · 21/01/2023 21:48
This is awful. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. His disregard for you and how tired you must be is very telling. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this
televisionquery · 21/01/2023 21:48
Mountainormolehills · 21/01/2023 21:46
I have something similar in my relationship. I have a chronic pain condition and need to go to bed and rest before sleeping. During this time I read my Kindle quietly until I can sleep, with no lights on or one small light on. But my partner comes in and out of the room, talking to me even though I have said goodnight and that I don’t want to talk when reading as it wakes me back up. They also turn on another light, open the wardrobe to get clothes out for the next day etc. When I complained they called me selfish! I’m passive too just like you @televisionquery but it means that I’m being trampled on and my needs are being ignored in favour of my partners wants.
Stay strong but it’s shit isn’t it.
Sorry to hear that. What are you doing about your situation? Is there any changes or compromise or are you just putting up with being disturbed?
Abouttimemum · 21/01/2023 21:49
He sounds like a prize dick. He can go downstairs and watch it.
My compromise would be to go and sleep in another room and he can get up with the baby through the night.
televisionquery · 21/01/2023 21:50
MrsHarrisgoestoTimbuctoo · 21/01/2023 21:47
Could you get headphones for him?
He said he doesn’t enjoy watching it with headphones on
SarahAndQuack · 21/01/2023 21:50
televisionquery · 21/01/2023 21:43
See that’s the thing, I’m always very mindful of his sleep, I attend to baby as soon as I hear him crying so DP isn’t disturbed and I use my phone torch instead of turning on the lights and even then I’m very careful about where I shine the flashlight. I’m considerate as I can be when he’s sleeping and would love the same respect back but he isn’t having it
buckeejit · 21/01/2023 21:39
Wake the fucker up every time you're up with baby. Lights on & tv blaring
Well, for starters, don't do this!
If he genuinely thinks it's fine for someone's sleep to be broken by noise and lights, then it goes for both of you. And personally, I'd be so tempted to develop a habit of doing the 3am feed while catching up on Sex and the City re-runs. But that would be immature.
With my mature head on: honestly, this seems pretty non-negotiable. It isn't ok for him to do something just because he's 'always' done it. We mostly grow out of immature habits in adulthood, don't we? So can he.
I don't think you should be offering/coming up with compromises, because I think that reinforces the idea that he's not totally unreasonable. And he is. Presumably there are things about him you love and value (and if not, I suppose the who situation is much simpler and quicker to deal with). If so, then you need to tell him that, and tell him at the same time that you cannot keep dealing with this. It is a deal breaker. It is not ok for you or the baby.
Nanny0gg · 21/01/2023 21:50
Mykittensmittens · 21/01/2023 21:21
He’s a selfish, self centred twat.
context - my DH likes to listen to a podcast ON HIS PODS at bed, and very very very vaguely I can maybe hear it.
I’ve had a bereavement recently and sleep has been tough. He’s helped me with adjusting bedtime patterns to encourage my sleep, been super caring, ditched his podcast for a bit and said if he’s missing it for an odd night he’ll go on the sofa.
We help each other. He’s just an idiot by the sounds of things - show him this thread.
No!!
He's becoming abusive. Why would you show him the thread? Do you think he'll suddenly see reason?
Cherrysoup · 21/01/2023 21:50
Why are you tolerating this? What would happen if you told him the TV has to go or he just can’t watch it in the bedroom once you’re in bed? I just can’t imagine my DH being that selfish.
MargotMoon · 21/01/2023 21:51
buckeejit · 21/01/2023 21:39
Wake the fucker up every time you're up with baby. Lights on & tv blaring
As tempting as this might be it's not going to be great for the baby, either.
This would be grounds for divorce for me, I couldn't cope with someone thinking and behaving so selfishly.
Onefootinthegroove · 21/01/2023 21:51
I left my ex partner after he ramped up his abuse to include sleep deprivation.
Think on that op.
Reluctantadult · 21/01/2023 21:52
His behaviour is so selfish.
I couldn't see him in a good light tbh.
RachelSq · 21/01/2023 21:52
I like to fall asleep with the TV on so I get the appeal of being in bed and watching TV! I typically go to bed first and watch some TV, sometimes falling asleep. When DH comes in, it gets turned off if he wants to sleep and I always leave the remote out for him to do this. If I’m not already asleep, I find it hard to drift off without TV noise, but I know it’s totally unreasonable to impose this on someone else trying to sleep.
Your DH is being ridiculous here, the main purpose of a bedroom is to sleep, not watch TV while disturbing someone’s sleep.
SarahAndQuack · 21/01/2023 21:53
televisionquery · 21/01/2023 21:50
He said he doesn’t enjoy watching it with headphones on
MrsHarrisgoestoTimbuctoo · 21/01/2023 21:47
Could you get headphones for him?
This is ridiculous.
You have a new baby in the bedroom with you, and you're the one doing all the night waking. How much time do you get to 'enjoy' your evenings?
Getting through the newborn stage is not about enjoying your hobbies.
televisionquery · 21/01/2023 21:53
Cherrysoup · 21/01/2023 21:50
Why are you tolerating this? What would happen if you told him the TV has to go or he just can’t watch it in the bedroom once you’re in bed? I just can’t imagine my DH being that selfish.
He wouldn’t allow that. He said previously I’m being controlling to get rid of the tv or force him downstairs to watch it. He would never agree to do that
Abouttimemum · 21/01/2023 21:55
televisionquery · 21/01/2023 21:32
The spare room is a nursery ready for baby to move in when he’s old enough so can’t really move in there… but yeah I have woken him up once or twice to attend to baby and he wasn’t too happy so won’t be trying that again. He said since I’m on maternity leave I should be doing the most part without complaining
ditherydotty · 21/01/2023 21:25
Do you have a spare bedroom? If so id chuck him in there, if not id just chuck him!
He is controlling you not the other way round, id also be handing the baby over to him when it wakes, see how he feels then!
I’ve just read this. This man is a massive arsehole. Fuck that. You deserve so much better.
Abouttimemum · 21/01/2023 21:56
televisionquery · 21/01/2023 21:53
He wouldn’t allow that. He said previously I’m being controlling to get rid of the tv or force him downstairs to watch it. He would never agree to do that
Cherrysoup · 21/01/2023 21:50
Why are you tolerating this? What would happen if you told him the TV has to go or he just can’t watch it in the bedroom once you’re in bed? I just can’t imagine my DH being that selfish.
I’d be throwing the tv out the window and him along with it. What an awful man.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.