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Relationships
DP watches tv in bedroom when I’m trying to sleep
televisionquery · 21/01/2023 20:56
DP always watches TV until late in the bedroom at night. He turns it on when he comes up to bed around 9pm and turns it off around midnight or 1am sometimes later. He watches it every night. I asked him if he could switch it off a little earlier because I’m trying to sleep and it’s hard to sleep with the volume and light, but he says I shouldn’t be putting a curfew on his tv time as he is not a child. I get his point but we also have a new baby in our bedroom who still wakes throughout the night and I’m the one who attends to baby. There’s a perfectly working tv downstairs but he says he would rather watch tv comfortably in bed at night because that’s what he’s grown up doing throughout his life and he won’t change it. He says I’m trying to be controlling by limiting him watching tv. But I’m not, I just want him to reduce the amount or watch it downstairs but he isn’t having any of it. The only compromise he offers is turning the volume down but it’s still annoying for me. Plus I don’t even like what he watches so I don’t particularly enjoy having it on in the background anyway because it’s not stuff I’d typically choose to watch. Any suggestions on how to compromise on this ongoing issue? Am I being unreasonable and selfish for asking him to watch downstairs or reduce the time he watches it upstairs?
VickerishAllsort · 22/01/2023 20:31
So when you say that he has a stronger personality, what you actually mean is that he's a bully.
And you don't challenge his behaviour because you are afraid he'll become physically violent.
I truly hope that one day, before you and your child become permanently damaged, you find the strength to leave him.
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:39
Captainfairylights · 22/01/2023 12:55
You sound afraid of him, OP.
He's a bully and this is all about control not TV or anything else.
What would happen if you simply said: "This stops now. We have a baby in this room and you can't watch TV at night in the bedroom anymore. This is not a negotiation, I am informing you that this behaviour is unacceptable and must stop now." ?
Would he hit you? Break something? Punish you?
Most men, even nice ones, in my experience have an inbuilt detector for your bottom line. I have always found that when I articulated it clearly, and with anger behind it, I got my way.
It's exhausting and boring when you have to get to that point too often, which is why my DH is an Ex, but at any rate it is the only way to deal with a bully and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
You have to not back down though, it's really just like an aggressive dog.
He would probably leave if I were to say those words to him. He says no one has the right to be controlling how much tv he watches. He would definitely go mad at me and punch something closest to him and there’d be a huge argument if I were to be assertive like that
Idontknowhatnametochoose · 22/01/2023 20:40
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:39
He would probably leave if I were to say those words to him. He says no one has the right to be controlling how much tv he watches. He would definitely go mad at me and punch something closest to him and there’d be a huge argument if I were to be assertive like that
Captainfairylights · 22/01/2023 12:55
You sound afraid of him, OP.
He's a bully and this is all about control not TV or anything else.
What would happen if you simply said: "This stops now. We have a baby in this room and you can't watch TV at night in the bedroom anymore. This is not a negotiation, I am informing you that this behaviour is unacceptable and must stop now." ?
Would he hit you? Break something? Punish you?
Most men, even nice ones, in my experience have an inbuilt detector for your bottom line. I have always found that when I articulated it clearly, and with anger behind it, I got my way.
It's exhausting and boring when you have to get to that point too often, which is why my DH is an Ex, but at any rate it is the only way to deal with a bully and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
You have to not back down though, it's really just like an aggressive dog.
Let him leave. He would be doing you and your baby a massive favour! Do you really want this guy?
ithoughtisawapuddycat · 22/01/2023 20:44
This is why DH and I have separate bedrooms. Lots of sleeping issues like snoring, temperature etc but I also like to fall asleep to the TV and he doesn't. We have exactly the same set ups in both bedrooms - king size beds and the same TVs mounted on the wall. He does sometimes like to watch US sport into the wee small hours (far later than I do) so he can do that in his room if he wants.
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:44
Our baby has been diagnosed with mild hearing loss and will have hearing aids growing up which was devastating news for me. However partner has said it’s probably a good thing he has hearing loss because it means he can watch tv upstairs as usual because apparently it won’t disturb the baby. I thought that was a very insensitive rude remark trying to see an advantage in our babies hearing loss. Also I’ve tried to explain baby is not deaf so can still be disturbed by the sound and by the light. But he still stands by his way that he will continue to watch tv but not too late he said perhaps not past midnight
category12 · 22/01/2023 20:46
He would definitely go mad at me and punch something closest to him
Did you know that this is a form of intimidation common in domestic abuse situations?
It sounds like the late- night telly watching is the tip of the iceberg really.
You should be able to assert yourself and be treated like an equal in the relationship, not have to back down and tolerate unacceptable behaviours because he'll kick off if you don't.
Start planning your exit. This life you are leading with him is not OK.
And being raised in an environment like this will be damaging for your baby 0 living with domestic abuse is an Adverse Childhood Experience. And what happens when they get old enough to have a different opinion to him, to want to assert themselves? Are you going to raise terrified children that daren't speak up, that go on to have similar relationships as adults?
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:46
Idontknowhatnametochoose · 22/01/2023 20:40
Let him leave. He would be doing you and your baby a massive favour! Do you really want this guy?
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:39
He would probably leave if I were to say those words to him. He says no one has the right to be controlling how much tv he watches. He would definitely go mad at me and punch something closest to him and there’d be a huge argument if I were to be assertive like that
Captainfairylights · 22/01/2023 12:55
You sound afraid of him, OP.
He's a bully and this is all about control not TV or anything else.
What would happen if you simply said: "This stops now. We have a baby in this room and you can't watch TV at night in the bedroom anymore. This is not a negotiation, I am informing you that this behaviour is unacceptable and must stop now." ?
Would he hit you? Break something? Punish you?
Most men, even nice ones, in my experience have an inbuilt detector for your bottom line. I have always found that when I articulated it clearly, and with anger behind it, I got my way.
It's exhausting and boring when you have to get to that point too often, which is why my DH is an Ex, but at any rate it is the only way to deal with a bully and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
You have to not back down though, it's really just like an aggressive dog.
If it was just me and him, I’d probably not want him any longer. However since now there’s child involved I feel like it is better for the child to have a traditional two parent household if I can help it and wouldn’t want to be the reason baby grows up without having dad around
category12 · 22/01/2023 20:49
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:46
If it was just me and him, I’d probably not want him any longer. However since now there’s child involved I feel like it is better for the child to have a traditional two parent household if I can help it and wouldn’t want to be the reason baby grows up without having dad around
Idontknowhatnametochoose · 22/01/2023 20:40
Let him leave. He would be doing you and your baby a massive favour! Do you really want this guy?
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:39
He would probably leave if I were to say those words to him. He says no one has the right to be controlling how much tv he watches. He would definitely go mad at me and punch something closest to him and there’d be a huge argument if I were to be assertive like that
Captainfairylights · 22/01/2023 12:55
You sound afraid of him, OP.
He's a bully and this is all about control not TV or anything else.
What would happen if you simply said: "This stops now. We have a baby in this room and you can't watch TV at night in the bedroom anymore. This is not a negotiation, I am informing you that this behaviour is unacceptable and must stop now." ?
Would he hit you? Break something? Punish you?
Most men, even nice ones, in my experience have an inbuilt detector for your bottom line. I have always found that when I articulated it clearly, and with anger behind it, I got my way.
It's exhausting and boring when you have to get to that point too often, which is why my DH is an Ex, but at any rate it is the only way to deal with a bully and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
You have to not back down though, it's really just like an aggressive dog.
It's not - where there is domestic abuse, the children are considered victims of abuse as well.
Sorry to see your baby has hearing loss. x
Captainfairylights · 22/01/2023 20:51
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:44
Our baby has been diagnosed with mild hearing loss and will have hearing aids growing up which was devastating news for me. However partner has said it’s probably a good thing he has hearing loss because it means he can watch tv upstairs as usual because apparently it won’t disturb the baby. I thought that was a very insensitive rude remark trying to see an advantage in our babies hearing loss. Also I’ve tried to explain baby is not deaf so can still be disturbed by the sound and by the light. But he still stands by his way that he will continue to watch tv but not too late he said perhaps not past midnight
OP I am really shocked by that. Your partner sounds quite mad. That is a mad thing to say about your own baby. To be so indifferent to your suffering is cruel. I think this situation has the potential to become dangerous.
Think how wonderful it will be if he leaves.
He will have to pay his way and do his share, but you won't have to deal with him.
Men like this are so stupid. They don't understand that they are legally obliged to their children and what they might want and their tv needs are laughably irrelevant.
Is he relying on your secrecy about your situation. That's another classic move. When I threatened to tell people he respected about how he was treating me/his child that definitely got traction!
Your not a second class citizen. He isn't in charge.
Protect your baby and yourself and stand up to him.
Good luck OP. You sound like such a lovely person and mother.
Backstreets · 22/01/2023 20:53
Just want to add to the DP is a cunt chorus. Selfish, childish prick
Mangolist · 22/01/2023 21:21
Please please get him out. It is never better for a child to live in a home where their mum is terrified and their dad is a bullying cunt, which is what it seems to be here. You have to make some kind of decision or you won't be around to make one. He'll punch 'something' ? It'll be you or the baby he clearly has no proper grown up feelings for soon. To say something so vile about his child's hearing would have been the end for me
buckeejit · 22/01/2023 21:31
You are not the reason he won't have a dad. He's got a serious load of maturing to do before he's capable of being a dad. You and your baby would be safer away from him.
GelPens1 · 22/01/2023 21:32
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:46
If it was just me and him, I’d probably not want him any longer. However since now there’s child involved I feel like it is better for the child to have a traditional two parent household if I can help it and wouldn’t want to be the reason baby grows up without having dad around
Idontknowhatnametochoose · 22/01/2023 20:40
Let him leave. He would be doing you and your baby a massive favour! Do you really want this guy?
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:39
He would probably leave if I were to say those words to him. He says no one has the right to be controlling how much tv he watches. He would definitely go mad at me and punch something closest to him and there’d be a huge argument if I were to be assertive like that
Captainfairylights · 22/01/2023 12:55
You sound afraid of him, OP.
He's a bully and this is all about control not TV or anything else.
What would happen if you simply said: "This stops now. We have a baby in this room and you can't watch TV at night in the bedroom anymore. This is not a negotiation, I am informing you that this behaviour is unacceptable and must stop now." ?
Would he hit you? Break something? Punish you?
Most men, even nice ones, in my experience have an inbuilt detector for your bottom line. I have always found that when I articulated it clearly, and with anger behind it, I got my way.
It's exhausting and boring when you have to get to that point too often, which is why my DH is an Ex, but at any rate it is the only way to deal with a bully and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
You have to not back down though, it's really just like an aggressive dog.
If you stay with him then you’re showing your son that it’s okay to treat women like this. He will imitate his father and believe it’s fine because you stayed. He will then abuse his future girlfriends/wife. Stop the vicious cycle right now.
BoringLittleMe · 22/01/2023 21:39
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:46
If it was just me and him, I’d probably not want him any longer. However since now there’s child involved I feel like it is better for the child to have a traditional two parent household if I can help it and wouldn’t want to be the reason baby grows up without having dad around
Idontknowhatnametochoose · 22/01/2023 20:40
Let him leave. He would be doing you and your baby a massive favour! Do you really want this guy?
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:39
He would probably leave if I were to say those words to him. He says no one has the right to be controlling how much tv he watches. He would definitely go mad at me and punch something closest to him and there’d be a huge argument if I were to be assertive like that
Captainfairylights · 22/01/2023 12:55
You sound afraid of him, OP.
He's a bully and this is all about control not TV or anything else.
What would happen if you simply said: "This stops now. We have a baby in this room and you can't watch TV at night in the bedroom anymore. This is not a negotiation, I am informing you that this behaviour is unacceptable and must stop now." ?
Would he hit you? Break something? Punish you?
Most men, even nice ones, in my experience have an inbuilt detector for your bottom line. I have always found that when I articulated it clearly, and with anger behind it, I got my way.
It's exhausting and boring when you have to get to that point too often, which is why my DH is an Ex, but at any rate it is the only way to deal with a bully and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
You have to not back down though, it's really just like an aggressive dog.
Staying with an emotional and mental bully is far, far worse for your child than growing up without him.
Do you want your child to be 1, 2, 3 years old and already frightened of their father, tiptoeing around him for fear of doing something wrong and starting an argument that would have Daddy shouting and punching nearby things? Really? Is that how you want your child to live their life?
If you can't leave for yourself, leave for your child.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/01/2023 21:43
So its controlling for you to ask him to watch tv in another room. Which is a preference for him
But it's not controlling for him to dictate how much sleep you get. Which is a human need.
This is seriously abusive OP. It's never better for kids to stay in jus environment and think this kind of abuse is normal. Please leave
pompei8309 · 22/01/2023 21:45
televisionquery · 21/01/2023 20:56
DP always watches TV until late in the bedroom at night. He turns it on when he comes up to bed around 9pm and turns it off around midnight or 1am sometimes later. He watches it every night. I asked him if he could switch it off a little earlier because I’m trying to sleep and it’s hard to sleep with the volume and light, but he says I shouldn’t be putting a curfew on his tv time as he is not a child. I get his point but we also have a new baby in our bedroom who still wakes throughout the night and I’m the one who attends to baby. There’s a perfectly working tv downstairs but he says he would rather watch tv comfortably in bed at night because that’s what he’s grown up doing throughout his life and he won’t change it. He says I’m trying to be controlling by limiting him watching tv. But I’m not, I just want him to reduce the amount or watch it downstairs but he isn’t having any of it. The only compromise he offers is turning the volume down but it’s still annoying for me. Plus I don’t even like what he watches so I don’t particularly enjoy having it on in the background anyway because it’s not stuff I’d typically choose to watch. Any suggestions on how to compromise on this ongoing issue? Am I being unreasonable and selfish for asking him to watch downstairs or reduce the time he watches it upstairs?
And this is the exact reason I don’t have a TV in the bedroom, I’m an early bird while my DH is a night owl he can stay up and watch TV until 1-2:00am while I’m in bed by 22:30 snoring.
TV in the living room only not in the bedroom
HerReputationMadeItDifficultToProceed · 22/01/2023 21:49
Not cool. Not cool anyway but doubly not cool with a small baby in the room and you waking for night feeds. If he wants to be comfy he needs to watch stuff on an iPad/his phone/laptop with headphones. Otherwise he can go downstairs. I'd be taking the fuse out of the plug quite frankly.
Littlefish · 22/01/2023 21:54
You are in an abusive relationship.
This means that your child will grow up in an abusive household.
There is no way that living in a 'traditional two parent family' where a high level of abuse and intimidation exists, is better than living in a single parent household.
Please protect yourself and your child from this man.
mumofone2019 · 22/01/2023 22:00
Being in an abusive relationship is not best for your child, they will grow up thinking this is how relationships are and what if the child doesnt fall in line like you do, will he start punching things and shouting or will it go further?
This is not a good environment for any child to grow up in and its an awful example of a relationship for them to see.
Weedoormatnomore · 22/01/2023 22:02
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:44
Our baby has been diagnosed with mild hearing loss and will have hearing aids growing up which was devastating news for me. However partner has said it’s probably a good thing he has hearing loss because it means he can watch tv upstairs as usual because apparently it won’t disturb the baby. I thought that was a very insensitive rude remark trying to see an advantage in our babies hearing loss. Also I’ve tried to explain baby is not deaf so can still be disturbed by the sound and by the light. But he still stands by his way that he will continue to watch tv but not too late he said perhaps not past midnight
What an awful thing to say. Do you still love him ? I would really be considering the future with him. A happy home is more important for a child than a two parent household.
Dullardmullard · 22/01/2023 22:04
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:46
If it was just me and him, I’d probably not want him any longer. However since now there’s child involved I feel like it is better for the child to have a traditional two parent household if I can help it and wouldn’t want to be the reason baby grows up without having dad around
Idontknowhatnametochoose · 22/01/2023 20:40
Let him leave. He would be doing you and your baby a massive favour! Do you really want this guy?
televisionquery · 22/01/2023 20:39
He would probably leave if I were to say those words to him. He says no one has the right to be controlling how much tv he watches. He would definitely go mad at me and punch something closest to him and there’d be a huge argument if I were to be assertive like that
Captainfairylights · 22/01/2023 12:55
You sound afraid of him, OP.
He's a bully and this is all about control not TV or anything else.
What would happen if you simply said: "This stops now. We have a baby in this room and you can't watch TV at night in the bedroom anymore. This is not a negotiation, I am informing you that this behaviour is unacceptable and must stop now." ?
Would he hit you? Break something? Punish you?
Most men, even nice ones, in my experience have an inbuilt detector for your bottom line. I have always found that when I articulated it clearly, and with anger behind it, I got my way.
It's exhausting and boring when you have to get to that point too often, which is why my DH is an Ex, but at any rate it is the only way to deal with a bully and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
You have to not back down though, it's really just like an aggressive dog.
there is no traditional set up these days
traditional is what you make it.
he’s abusive and when your son starts nursery or school what if he says dad shouts and hit things beside us as it’ll be classed as an safeguarding issue.
phone woman’s aid ask then if what he’s doing is abusive cos they will say he is and they will help you escape
HiddenGiraffes · 22/01/2023 22:23
This is horrendous to the point it's hard to even believe it's real. If it is, this man is one of the most selfish and nasty I've ever heard of and it seems likely he'll make your life miserable for as long as you let him.
HerReputationMadeItDifficultToProceed · 22/01/2023 22:24
NibbledSwitch · 21/01/2023 21:33
I'd consider very seriously if I wanted to put up with this amount of cuntfuckery for the rest of my life.
This is the best expression ever. And entirely correct.
Icanflyhigh · 22/01/2023 22:31
I'd cut the fucking plug off right at the TV - unplug it first though! What a moronic cunt taking that attitude with you.
I'm rubbish when I'm tired so I'd be absolutely raging at this.
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