Page 9 | If you saw a neighbour having an affair?

CheeseOnToastFan · 2023-01-03T09:30:35+00:00

I have found out that one of our neighbours appears to be having an affair. He is married with a child. We don't really know one another although I know his and his wife's names. I don't know the woman I saw him with. I don't know whether to post an anonymous note to his wife or not. I also don't know if my own experience is affecting my judgement. Years ago, one of my neighbours tried telling me my own husband was having an affair. She didn't do it directly and I didn't cotton on so it was only later when I found out about his affair that I realised what she had been trying to tell me. I felt grateful she had tried to intervene.

owloak · 04/01/2023 12:46

I would want to know.

I would tell her.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 04/01/2023 15:43

ReneBumsWombats · 04/01/2023 12:08

She might not appreciate a near stranger poking her nose into her life though.

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Or she might appreciate that her neighbours have her back

ReneBumsWombats · 04/01/2023 16:15

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 04/01/2023 15:43

Or she might appreciate that her neighbours have her back

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Or she might feel intruded upon and angry. I would. I'd absolutely hate for some near stranger to start meddling in my life and marriage.

Since OP barely knows the woman, she has no idea what she'll feel. Yet another reason not to go poking your nose around in the private lives of people you don't know.

user0423 · 04/01/2023 22:49

It's a really tough one as you've been in the same situation and you are obviously glad you found out about the affair, albeit a while later.

I'm inclined to say tell her but be polite and dicreet about it. If it were me, I would want to know about it. Sure, it's none of your business, but you could be saving someone from living a lie (and catching STDs). I'd appreciate someone telling me that my other half was cheating.

Neverhot · 05/01/2023 01:25

I know the standard response is to stay out of it, but honestly op I'd want to know. I've been in the same position of the wife and wish someone had told me. Life is short and I feel so ribbed of the time my ex was having an affair.

OctobersDaughter · 05/01/2023 03:05

I saw a video where someone saw their neighbor's wife constantly sneaking a man in after the husband went to work. So instead of telling the husband directly, he changed his wifi name to "#12 Your Wife Is Cheating" (12 is the cheaters house number). I don't know if I'd intervene, I guess I would have to be in the situation myself to know.

ThesefoolishthingsWallace · 05/01/2023 04:56

Tell her

tuvamoodyson · 05/01/2023 05:38

I’d care not a jot…

ImustLearn2Cook · 05/01/2023 06:13

If a neighbour who I didn’t know well (so basically a stranger) approached me with the information that op has, I wouldn’t know whether to believe them or not.

I wouldn’t know if she were just stirring trouble for her own entertainment or she was trying to split my dp and I up because she has the hots for him or if she was being genuine and concerned.

ThesefoolishthingsWallace · 05/01/2023 06:20

In all my years I have never known a woman not want to know if their other half is cheating.

If this woman recieves some information, she may already have been suspicious or given where they were seen, the description it could fill in the blanks for her.

Credit her with more intellegence for accepting logic.

caramellandscape · 05/01/2023 06:53

CheeseOnToastFan · 03/01/2023 09:54

It was a fluke I saw them anyway. In the circumstances I saw them, it would have been really easy to have taken a video. Not that it occurred to me at the time. I'm not comfortable with videoing people without their knowledge!

I suppose an anonymous note is creepy, yes. The woman who tried to help me spoke to my face. I think if she had sent me an anonymous note I would have been obsessing about who sent it.

Can understand your hesitation but I'd video next time (if they were clearly going at it romantically) or stay out of it. If you don't present definite proof and you're not close to the wife, you'll make her feel like she's going crazy. And may be pointless agony for the both of you, plus have negative repercussions for you, as random hearsay is all too easily denied.

Younger women actually do discreetly IG DM each other screenshots/videos now (with polite caveat "hey I know I may not have the full picture..." etc) when they see someone's boyfriend clearly having an affair, or even when a stranger's boyfriend hits on them. Not like the gestapo of course, it has to be very obviously an affair and not misunderstanding/breakup/threesome/etc, but I think social media (especially with name and profile rather than anonymous) is a better alternative to notes

namechangeforthisoneeee · 05/01/2023 07:10

napody · 03/01/2023 10:27

I think stay out too but the number of posts saying 'well it could have been a friend or sibling' made me laugh- some people on here would argue with a brick wall! She clearly saw them snogging.

My thoughts exactly

ReneBumsWombats · 05/01/2023 07:12

ThesefoolishthingsWallace · 05/01/2023 06:20

In all my years I have never known a woman not want to know if their other half is cheating.

If this woman recieves some information, she may already have been suspicious or given where they were seen, the description it could fill in the blanks for her.

Credit her with more intellegence for accepting logic.

Allow me to introduce myself.

If my husband is cheating, he's doing it so well that I suspect nothing and I'm happy. I do not want busybodies I hardly know poking their noses into my life and knowing they're going to be continuing to spy on me and my family afterwards. Horrible.

But nobody wants to hear this. People who insist on always getting involved no matter what don't care about what the wife wants, they care about what they want. That's why they pretend to know what every woman they've ever met would think about this (you have this conversation a lot, do you?) and that it's a matter of intelligence. They want the satisfaction of telling but that's all. That's why they so often consider, or do, even do it anonymously. Because it's not actually worth any risk to themselves, for all the bluster about how the wife must know at all costs.

OP hardly knows these people, doesn't actually know what's going on, has no idea what the wife would want or what her interference might cause (mental breakdown? Domestic violence? Yes, an affair can cause devastation but OP's not asking if she should do that!) and isn't going to be there as a support afterwards.

It's simply none of your business.

Dryandirriatble · 05/01/2023 07:46

ReneBumsWombats · 05/01/2023 07:12

Allow me to introduce myself.

If my husband is cheating, he's doing it so well that I suspect nothing and I'm happy. I do not want busybodies I hardly know poking their noses into my life and knowing they're going to be continuing to spy on me and my family afterwards. Horrible.

But nobody wants to hear this. People who insist on always getting involved no matter what don't care about what the wife wants, they care about what they want. That's why they pretend to know what every woman they've ever met would think about this (you have this conversation a lot, do you?) and that it's a matter of intelligence. They want the satisfaction of telling but that's all. That's why they so often consider, or do, even do it anonymously. Because it's not actually worth any risk to themselves, for all the bluster about how the wife must know at all costs.

OP hardly knows these people, doesn't actually know what's going on, has no idea what the wife would want or what her interference might cause (mental breakdown? Domestic violence? Yes, an affair can cause devastation but OP's not asking if she should do that!) and isn't going to be there as a support afterwards.

It's simply none of your business.

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Yes and this is one kiss. Even women who really would want to know of an affair will be happier not knowing about this. How woukd knowing help any way?

Original poster

CheeseOnToastFan · 05/01/2023 11:24

ImustLearn2Cook · 05/01/2023 06:13

If a neighbour who I didn’t know well (so basically a stranger) approached me with the information that op has, I wouldn’t know whether to believe them or not.

I wouldn’t know if she were just stirring trouble for her own entertainment or she was trying to split my dp and I up because she has the hots for him or if she was being genuine and concerned.

It depends on who the neighbour is really. In my case it was a neighbour who had lived there with her husband for a very long time although I barely knew her. She could see the comings and goings at my house. She was a very quiet and nice married woman so it was quite obvious she had been genuine in her efforts to alert me.

OP posts:

PrayingandHoping · 05/01/2023 11:27

Are you totally 100% with no doubts at all it was him??

Original poster

CheeseOnToastFan · 05/01/2023 11:28

PrayingandHoping · 05/01/2023 11:27

Are you totally 100% with no doubts at all it was him??

It was 100% him. No doubts whatsoever. Furthermore, when they parted, he got into his vehicle which is sign-written with his company name on it!

OP posts:

durhamduck · 05/01/2023 11:44

ReneBumsWombats · 05/01/2023 07:12

Allow me to introduce myself.

If my husband is cheating, he's doing it so well that I suspect nothing and I'm happy. I do not want busybodies I hardly know poking their noses into my life and knowing they're going to be continuing to spy on me and my family afterwards. Horrible.

But nobody wants to hear this. People who insist on always getting involved no matter what don't care about what the wife wants, they care about what they want. That's why they pretend to know what every woman they've ever met would think about this (you have this conversation a lot, do you?) and that it's a matter of intelligence. They want the satisfaction of telling but that's all. That's why they so often consider, or do, even do it anonymously. Because it's not actually worth any risk to themselves, for all the bluster about how the wife must know at all costs.

OP hardly knows these people, doesn't actually know what's going on, has no idea what the wife would want or what her interference might cause (mental breakdown? Domestic violence? Yes, an affair can cause devastation but OP's not asking if she should do that!) and isn't going to be there as a support afterwards.

It's simply none of your business.

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I hope this doesn't come across as rude as it's a genuine question: why do you not want to know? Is it because you fear the fallout/consequences (maybe for your kids, or the social stigma of divorce, or the idea of being alone), or you don't believe you're worthy of/will ever get genuine commitment and love? Or in general for everyone and not just you, you don't believe genuine commitment exists even when love does? The reason I ask is because my mother was like you and I'm trying to understand her perspective

ReneBumsWombats · 05/01/2023 11:55

durhamduck · 05/01/2023 11:44

I hope this doesn't come across as rude as it's a genuine question: why do you not want to know? Is it because you fear the fallout/consequences (maybe for your kids, or the social stigma of divorce, or the idea of being alone), or you don't believe you're worthy of/will ever get genuine commitment and love? Or in general for everyone and not just you, you don't believe genuine commitment exists even when love does? The reason I ask is because my mother was like you and I'm trying to understand her perspective

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Like I said: because I suspect nothing and I'm happy.

Nobody ever wants to accept this. They think I'm trying to avoid the stigma of divorce, or I think I'm unlovable, etc etc. That wanting to keep my happy life isn't a reason, or not a good enough one.

The reason is because I'm happy with my life and I wouldn't appreciate a total or near stranger barging in and overturning it. And if they were awful enough to do it anonymously, so that I couldn't even assess the source and because they think it's worth every cost except to themselves...I can't even begin to describe the contempt and anger I'd feel.

Do you feel this same questioning for people who discover an affair and decide to stay?

What it all looks like to me - the need to tell even when these people are practically strangers, the invalidation of my reasons - is a veil for people who think cheaters should always be punished at any cost. So a desire to pressure people to do what you think they should do rather than what they actually want to do.

Perhaps it is a personal failing in me that I wouldn't want to know, but I don't care. It's my life and my decision and I'm not required to live it to someone else's beliefs.

I might feel differently if I suspected something, was unhappy and someone who was reasonably close to me spoke to me, openly and honestly, and was there to be non judgemental and supportive afterwards. Maybe. But while I'm totally happy, from someone who's nothing to do with my life and is only going to sod off afterwards? No way. Leave me and my family alone.

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 13:31

Can never go wrong minding your own business

Blue789 · 05/01/2023 13:45

I also try to put myself in the other womans shoes and therefore I would want to know, for sure! I really would not want people knowing if it was my husband and not saying anything, I think it's a worst crime to know about something like this and to not act. He's only going to continue getting feelings for the other woman so you could save his wife and child alot of pain in the future.

Do they meet there regularly, is there an opportunity for you to get a photo/video of them as the wife will be in shock when you tell her.

ReneBumsWombats · 05/01/2023 14:05

Blue789 · 05/01/2023 13:45

I also try to put myself in the other womans shoes and therefore I would want to know, for sure! I really would not want people knowing if it was my husband and not saying anything, I think it's a worst crime to know about something like this and to not act. He's only going to continue getting feelings for the other woman so you could save his wife and child alot of pain in the future.

Do they meet there regularly, is there an opportunity for you to get a photo/video of them as the wife will be in shock when you tell her.

So now we have the suggestion to stalk a person you hardly know and take clandestine photos and videos of him. And an invented story about what his feelings are going to be and what will happen.

On other similar threads, where an OP also actually has no evidence other than seeing the people together and barely knows anyone involved, I have also seen:

Ring up a hotel pretending to be the suspected OW

Buy a burner phone to tell the wife then chuck it in a river

Blackmail him and then tell the wife anyway

Get a male friend to ring the wife from a withheld/burner number, tell her and then hang up, because distressing calls to your personal phone from an unknown man aren't at all horrible and scary

Create fake social media accounts to stalk him and try to get something incriminating

Stake out the man's home/work/social spots to get secret pictures - oh hang on, that's this one. Seen it before, though.

And more.

It is wrong to have an affair, but how the hell do people justify this kind of nutty behaviour from almost total strangers? How on earth is this kind of thing the morally righteous choice?

You don't know these people, you have no actual proof, you have no idea what the situation is or what your additional actions might kick off and it just isn't any of your business.

bathsh3ba · 05/01/2023 14:06

I would tell her what I saw, face to face. In my opinion the same self-centred individualism is behind both a decision to have an affair and a decision not to involve ourselves in other people's business.

ReneBumsWombats · 05/01/2023 14:09

bathsh3ba · 05/01/2023 14:06

I would tell her what I saw, face to face. In my opinion the same self-centred individualism is behind both a decision to have an affair and a decision not to involve ourselves in other people's business.

People are allowed to centre their own lives rather than impose themselves on the lives of people they don't know.

bathsh3ba · 05/01/2023 14:12

@ReneBumsWombats people are allowed to do pretty much anything but I'm allowed to have my own opinion about it too! I think the world would be a better place if we were less individualistic.