If you saw a neighbour having an affair?

[CheeseOnToastFan]

I have found out that one of our neighbours appears to be having an affair. He is married with a child. We don't really know one another although I know his and his wife's names. I don't know the woman I saw him with.
I don't know whether to post an anonymous note to his wife or not.
I also don't know if my own experience is affecting my judgement. Years ago, one of my neighbours tried telling me my own husband was having an affair. She didn't do it directly and I didn't cotton on so it was only later when I found out about his affair that I realised what she had been trying to tell me. I felt grateful she had tried to intervene.

[Hawkins003]

@CheeseOnToastFan

I have found out that one of our neighbours appears to be having an affair. He is married with a child. We don't really know one another although I know his and his wife's names. I don't know the woman I saw him with.
I don't know whether to post an anonymous note to his wife or not.
I also don't know if my own experience is affecting my judgement. Years ago, one of my neighbours tried telling me my own husband was having an affair. She didn't do it directly and I didn't cotton on so it was only later when I found out about his affair that I realised what she had been trying to tell me. I felt grateful she had tried to intervene.

Any updates on how it's progressed op

[CannonCaboodle]

Stay out and stop projecting.

[WednesdaysMentor]

I caught my neighbours partner having an affair, i didnt say anything as i wasnt 100% sure but had a good idea. They split up about a month later as he left her for the other woman.

[Mardyface]

@Daffodil63

I’ve just found out that my husband has been having an affair for 25 years-imagine all the people that must have known. Her adult children knew, my neighbours probably knew, her work colleagues definitely knew as did her friends, and members of her family, and there’s always someone that knows someone. Knowing would have given me choices. I would have been so grateful to have received an anonymous note. Being kept in the dark is cruel. The most ridiculous thing my friend said was that people would have assumed I knew and accepted it! Couldn’t be further from the truth.

I'm sorry this happened to you. What a shock.

[CornishGem1975]

@Daffodil63

I’ve just found out that my husband has been having an affair for 25 years-imagine all the people that must have known. Her adult children knew, my neighbours probably knew, her work colleagues definitely knew as did her friends, and members of her family, and there’s always someone that knows someone. Knowing would have given me choices. I would have been so grateful to have received an anonymous note. Being kept in the dark is cruel. The most ridiculous thing my friend said was that people would have assumed I knew and accepted it! Couldn’t be further from the truth.

25 years?! We're there no signs, at all?!

[Daffodil63]

People that generally say “Not your circus, not your monkey, not your business” have probably never been cheated on. You can’t imagine the pain and humiliation

[Snugglemonkey]

Not your circus, not your monkey, not your business. Stay away!

[Moser85]

I'd want to know.

A few people said maybe they have an open relationship, maybe they do, but statistically he's more likely to be cheating, also if the relationship is open then there's no harm done by telling her.

She could already be suspicious and he could be gaslighting the hell out of her so it may not come as a shock but could help her.

[Daffodil63]

I’ve just found out that my husband has been having an affair for 25 years-imagine all the people that must have known. Her adult children knew, my neighbours probably knew, her work colleagues definitely knew as did her friends, and members of her family, and there’s always someone that knows someone. Knowing would have given me choices. I would have been so grateful to have received an anonymous note. Being kept in the dark is cruel. The most ridiculous thing my friend said was that people would have assumed I knew and accepted it! Couldn’t be further from the truth.

[Neveragain85]

I've just found out I was cheated on & wish someone had told me

[Fivesixseven8]

I've recently been sent a similar anonymous email. It was horrendous to find out that way, without proof or knowing the person and their own agenda.
But saying that, I don't think I'd have found out otherwise and I'm glad I now know.

[ReneBumsWombats]

@bathsh3ba

@ReneBumsWombats people are allowed to do pretty much anything but I'm allowed to have my own opinion about it too! I think the world would be a better place if we were less individualistic.

The world would be a better place if we operated by the principle of "first, do no harm". Which absolutely applies when charging into the personal lives of strangers about whom you know nothing.

Imposing yourself, unsolicited, upon the lives of people you don't know because it satisfies you is about as "individualistic" as it gets.

[bathsh3ba]

@ReneBumsWombats people are allowed to do pretty much anything but I'm allowed to have my own opinion about it too! I think the world would be a better place if we were less individualistic.

[ReneBumsWombats]

@bathsh3ba

I would tell her what I saw, face to face. In my opinion the same self-centred individualism is behind both a decision to have an affair and a decision not to involve ourselves in other people's business.

People are allowed to centre their own lives rather than impose themselves on the lives of people they don't know.

[bathsh3ba]

I would tell her what I saw, face to face. In my opinion the same self-centred individualism is behind both a decision to have an affair and a decision not to involve ourselves in other people's business.

[ReneBumsWombats]

@Blue789

I also try to put myself in the other womans shoes and therefore I would want to know, for sure! I really would not want people knowing if it was my husband and not saying anything, I think it's a worst crime to know about something like this and to not act. He's only going to continue getting feelings for the other woman so you could save his wife and child alot of pain in the future.

Do they meet there regularly, is there an opportunity for you to get a photo/video of them as the wife will be in shock when you tell her.

So now we have the suggestion to stalk a person you hardly know and take clandestine photos and videos of him. And an invented story about what his feelings are going to be and what will happen.

On other similar threads, where an OP also actually has no evidence other than seeing the people together and barely knows anyone involved, I have also seen:

• Ring up a hotel pretending to be the suspected OW

• Buy a burner phone to tell the wife then chuck it in a river

• Blackmail him and then tell the wife anyway

• Get a male friend to ring the wife from a withheld/burner number, tell her and then hang up, because distressing calls to your personal phone from an unknown man aren't at all horrible and scary

• Create fake social media accounts to stalk him and try to get something incriminating

• Stake out the man's home/work/social spots to get secret pictures - oh hang on, that's this one. Seen it before, though.

And more.

It is wrong to have an affair, but how the hell do people justify this kind of nutty behaviour from almost total strangers? How on earth is this kind of thing the morally righteous choice?

You don't know these people, you have no actual proof, you have no idea what the situation is or what your additional actions might kick off and it just isn't any of your business.

[Blue789]

I also try to put myself in the other womans shoes and therefore I would want to know, for sure! I really would not want people knowing if it was my husband and not saying anything, I think it's a worst crime to know about something like this and to not act. He's only going to continue getting feelings for the other woman so you could save his wife and child alot of pain in the future.

Do they meet there regularly, is there an opportunity for you to get a photo/video of them as the wife will be in shock when you tell her.

[BabyOnBoard90]

Can never go wrong minding your own business

[ReneBumsWombats]

@durhamduck

I hope this doesn't come across as rude as it's a genuine question: why do you not want to know? Is it because you fear the fallout/consequences (maybe for your kids, or the social stigma of divorce, or the idea of being alone), or you don't believe you're worthy of/will ever get genuine commitment and love? Or in general for everyone and not just you, you don't believe genuine commitment exists even when love does? The reason I ask is because my mother was like you and I'm trying to understand her perspective

Like I said: because I suspect nothing and I'm happy.

Nobody ever wants to accept this. They think I'm trying to avoid the stigma of divorce, or I think I'm unlovable, etc etc. That wanting to keep my happy life isn't a reason, or not a good enough one.

The reason is because I'm happy with my life and I wouldn't appreciate a total or near stranger barging in and overturning it. And if they were awful enough to do it anonymously, so that I couldn't even assess the source and because they think it's worth every cost except to themselves...I can't even begin to describe the contempt and anger I'd feel.

Do you feel this same questioning for people who discover an affair and decide to stay?

What it all looks like to me - the need to tell even when these people are practically strangers, the invalidation of my reasons - is a veil for people who think cheaters should always be punished at any cost. So a desire to pressure people to do what you think they should do rather than what they actually want to do.

Perhaps it is a personal failing in me that I wouldn't want to know, but I don't care. It's my life and my decision and I'm not required to live it to someone else's beliefs.

I might feel differently if I suspected something, was unhappy and someone who was reasonably close to me spoke to me, openly and honestly, and was there to be non judgemental and supportive afterwards. Maybe. But while I'm totally happy, from someone who's nothing to do with my life and is only going to sod off afterwards? No way. Leave me and my family alone.

[durhamduck]

@ReneBumsWombats

Allow me to introduce myself.

If my husband is cheating, he's doing it so well that I suspect nothing and I'm happy. I do not want busybodies I hardly know poking their noses into my life and knowing they're going to be continuing to spy on me and my family afterwards. Horrible.

But nobody wants to hear this. People who insist on always getting involved no matter what don't care about what the wife wants, they care about what they want. That's why they pretend to know what every woman they've ever met would think about this (you have this conversation a lot, do you?) and that it's a matter of intelligence. They want the satisfaction of telling but that's all. That's why they so often consider, or do, even do it anonymously. Because it's not actually worth any risk to themselves, for all the bluster about how the wife must know at all costs.

OP hardly knows these people, doesn't actually know what's going on, has no idea what the wife would want or what her interference might cause (mental breakdown? Domestic violence? Yes, an affair can cause devastation but OP's not asking if she should do that!) and isn't going to be there as a support afterwards.

It's simply none of your business.

I hope this doesn't come across as rude as it's a genuine question: why do you not want to know? Is it because you fear the fallout/consequences (maybe for your kids, or the social stigma of divorce, or the idea of being alone), or you don't believe you're worthy of/will ever get genuine commitment and love? Or in general for everyone and not just you, you don't believe genuine commitment exists even when love does? The reason I ask is because my mother was like you and I'm trying to understand her perspective

[CheeseOnToastFan]

@PrayingandHoping

Are you totally 100% with no doubts at all it was him??

It was 100% him. No doubts whatsoever. Furthermore, when they parted, he got into his vehicle which is sign-written with his company name on it!

[PrayingandHoping]

Are you totally 100% with no doubts at all it was him??

[CheeseOnToastFan]

@ImustLearn2Cook

If a neighbour who I didn’t know well (so basically a stranger) approached me with the information that op has, I wouldn’t know whether to believe them or not.

I wouldn’t know if she were just stirring trouble for her own entertainment or she was trying to split my dp and I up because she has the hots for him or if she was being genuine and concerned.

It depends on who the neighbour is really. In my case it was a neighbour who had lived there with her husband for a very long time although I barely knew her. She could see the comings and goings at my house. She was a very quiet and nice married woman so it was quite obvious she had been genuine in her efforts to alert me.

[Dryandirriatble]

@ReneBumsWombats

Allow me to introduce myself.

If my husband is cheating, he's doing it so well that I suspect nothing and I'm happy. I do not want busybodies I hardly know poking their noses into my life and knowing they're going to be continuing to spy on me and my family afterwards. Horrible.

But nobody wants to hear this. People who insist on always getting involved no matter what don't care about what the wife wants, they care about what they want. That's why they pretend to know what every woman they've ever met would think about this (you have this conversation a lot, do you?) and that it's a matter of intelligence. They want the satisfaction of telling but that's all. That's why they so often consider, or do, even do it anonymously. Because it's not actually worth any risk to themselves, for all the bluster about how the wife must know at all costs.

OP hardly knows these people, doesn't actually know what's going on, has no idea what the wife would want or what her interference might cause (mental breakdown? Domestic violence? Yes, an affair can cause devastation but OP's not asking if she should do that!) and isn't going to be there as a support afterwards.

It's simply none of your business.

Yes and this is one kiss. Even women who really would want to know of an affair will be happier not knowing about this. How woukd knowing help any way?

[ReneBumsWombats]

@ThesefoolishthingsWallace

In all my years I have never known a woman not want to know if their other half is cheating.

If this woman recieves some information, she may already have been suspicious or given where they were seen, the description it could fill in the blanks for her.
Credit her with more intellegence for accepting logic.

Allow me to introduce myself.

If my husband is cheating, he's doing it so well that I suspect nothing and I'm happy. I do not want busybodies I hardly know poking their noses into my life and knowing they're going to be continuing to spy on me and my family afterwards. Horrible.

But nobody wants to hear this. People who insist on always getting involved no matter what don't care about what the wife wants, they care about what they want. That's why they pretend to know what every woman they've ever met would think about this (you have this conversation a lot, do you?) and that it's a matter of intelligence. They want the satisfaction of telling but that's all. That's why they so often consider, or do, even do it anonymously. Because it's not actually worth any risk to themselves, for all the bluster about how the wife must know at all costs.

OP hardly knows these people, doesn't actually know what's going on, has no idea what the wife would want or what her interference might cause (mental breakdown? Domestic violence? Yes, an affair can cause devastation but OP's not asking if she should do that!) and isn't going to be there as a support afterwards.

It's simply none of your business.