Page 5 | If you saw a neighbour having an affair?

CheeseOnToastFan · 2023-01-03T09:30:35+00:00

I have found out that one of our neighbours appears to be having an affair. He is married with a child. We don't really know one another although I know his and his wife's names. I don't know the woman I saw him with. I don't know whether to post an anonymous note to his wife or not. I also don't know if my own experience is affecting my judgement. Years ago, one of my neighbours tried telling me my own husband was having an affair. She didn't do it directly and I didn't cotton on so it was only later when I found out about his affair that I realised what she had been trying to tell me. I felt grateful she had tried to intervene.

Squabbledee · 03/01/2023 11:09

Tell her & make it clear exactly what you saw & when you saw it.

loislovesstewie · 03/01/2023 11:09

OP, it's not about you.

dworky · 03/01/2023 11:11

If I had absolute proof then I would do it, & quick.
That poor woman & child need to know asap that they are being betrayed.

MaxTalk · 03/01/2023 11:11

They could be in an open marriage. Who knows and frankly, who really cares?

If you knew them well then you would have ability to navigate the situation. As you don't, I would stay well out.

BenCoopersSupportWren · 03/01/2023 11:13

Applesonthelawn · 03/01/2023 11:01

I would prefer to be told the facts you have - no more, no less. No embellishments or interpretations. I'm not sure I would have the courage to tell someone hard facts face to face though, and anything less is not kind. So if you can't do it properly, don't do it at all.

Yes, this. It's really hard to tell someone face to face but that is the kindest way to do it.

To everyone saying "don't say anything, you could destroy their marriage" - NO. If anyone destroys the marriage it's the cheating wanker who can't keep his dick in his pants.

FernCurl · 03/01/2023 11:13

I should add, I was in a similar position a few years ago. My partner was emotionally, financially, and eventually, physically abusing me. I made the decision to separate from him but needed to make financial and other practical arrangements before I could do this as we had a child together. Towards the end I was having an affair with someone. If someone had told my partner at this point it would have been an absolute disaster and undoubtedly have resulted in the abuse escalating and my child's young life being negatively impacted. The thought of it horrifies me and I'm very glad no one did say anything.

You have no idea what the impact of your actions could be.

MummyDummyNow · 03/01/2023 11:15

You have absolutely no idea of their situation. They could well be in a polyamorous relationship, the wife may be aware and perfectly happy he has a girlfriend.

This has literally nothing to do with you. Please mind your own business.

LittleDisaster · 03/01/2023 11:16

BenCoopersSupportWren · 03/01/2023 11:13

Yes, this. It's really hard to tell someone face to face but that is the kindest way to do it.

To everyone saying "don't say anything, you could destroy their marriage" - NO. If anyone destroys the marriage it's the cheating wanker who can't keep his dick in his pants.

Show quote history

OP has no evidence whatsoever that he hasn't "kept his dick in his pants".

FernCurl · 03/01/2023 11:16

BenCoopersSupportWren · 03/01/2023 11:13

Yes, this. It's really hard to tell someone face to face but that is the kindest way to do it.

To everyone saying "don't say anything, you could destroy their marriage" - NO. If anyone destroys the marriage it's the cheating wanker who can't keep his dick in his pants.

Show quote history

You have no idea what is actually behind this relationship. The idea that they are a cheating wanker etc. is just a narrative that you've projected onto an unknown situation. Why would you start acting on your own 'what I reckon' about a situation, rather than the reality of it?

Passthechocolatesplease · 03/01/2023 11:17

Absolutely say nothing, it’s nothing to do with you, you could ruin her marriage and break up her home.
Keep your nose out.

Valeria89 · 03/01/2023 11:17

I've noticed before how curious it is that other people seem to notice these things going on while the spouse is in complete ignorance. I think that's usually down to one spouse being at home with DC while the other spouse goes out more to work or other regular places like the gym. It's like the wayward spouse thinks that their spouse is safely at home and won't ever find out what they are up to. That's how they get away with it. Until well-meaning people give the heads-up. To give the heads-up properly needs concrete facts that the wife can follow up on not some random anonymous note which he can easily deny.

BenCoopersSupportWren · 03/01/2023 11:18

I was talking about cheating men in general terms, although I appreciate that wasn't clear.

WandaWonder · 03/01/2023 11:19

BenCoopersSupportWren · 03/01/2023 11:18

I was talking about cheating men in general terms, although I appreciate that wasn't clear.

Women have affairs too

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 03/01/2023 11:21

Thing is, if this lady was his sister/cousin/best friend or his open marriage lover then when OP says to the wife "oh I saw Jeffery kissing a tall brunette" then the wife won't be arsed because she'll know who they are. So really, the only reason it would "wreck his marriage" is if he's doing something he shouldn't be

RocketIceLollie · 03/01/2023 11:21

Stay well out of it. If there is an affair it'll naturally come to the surface anyway with or without wrecking your neighbourly relations.

Madamecastafiore · 03/01/2023 11:22

FernCurl · 03/01/2023 11:13

I should add, I was in a similar position a few years ago. My partner was emotionally, financially, and eventually, physically abusing me. I made the decision to separate from him but needed to make financial and other practical arrangements before I could do this as we had a child together. Towards the end I was having an affair with someone. If someone had told my partner at this point it would have been an absolute disaster and undoubtedly have resulted in the abuse escalating and my child's young life being negatively impacted. The thought of it horrifies me and I'm very glad no one did say anything.

You have no idea what the impact of your actions could be.

You having an affair caused the negative effects not the person advising your ex that you were having an affair.

StarlightLady · 03/01/2023 11:22

You don't know the full situation and it's nothing to do with you.

GerbilsForever24 · 03/01/2023 11:27

if you knew them and she was your friend, then I would say it probably is worth telling. But you know nothing. You admit yourself he seemed uncomfortable - maybe this woman has been coming on to him and he's doing a bad job of putting boundaries in place. Maybe they have an open marriage. Maybe he had an affair and they dealt with it and he's trying to get away from this woman (and doing a bad job about it).

You just don't know so getting involved is a terrible idea. Not least because there is no proof. Even if you were willing to tell the wife in person, it's still your word against his.

DonnaBanana · 03/01/2023 11:27

It's nothing to do with you. They might have a Don't Ask, Don't Tell sort of arrangement in a sexless marriage or, heck, anything.

MissMarplesbag · 03/01/2023 11:28

When I was at university, I had a sat job at a small boutique shop. I got to know the regulars after a while particularly this couple, well the wife. She came in one day and asked if I'd seen her husband with another woman. I was shocked but answered that I hadn't at that point......

After she left, my boss said that the husband had come into the shop with another woman on my day off. A few days later, the husband came in holding hands with the ow. I pretended not to see the earlier hand holding and asked him how his kids were. I mentioned that his wife came in a few days earlier and the baby looked cute blah, blah. The ow looked shocked, she had no idea that he was married and had a family. She quickly left and he ran after her and never came back to the shop.

The next time you see the neighbour and ow together, go up to him and say hello. That should freak him out a bit because it's no longer a secret.

liveforsummer · 03/01/2023 11:29

FernCurl · 03/01/2023 11:13

I should add, I was in a similar position a few years ago. My partner was emotionally, financially, and eventually, physically abusing me. I made the decision to separate from him but needed to make financial and other practical arrangements before I could do this as we had a child together. Towards the end I was having an affair with someone. If someone had told my partner at this point it would have been an absolute disaster and undoubtedly have resulted in the abuse escalating and my child's young life being negatively impacted. The thought of it horrifies me and I'm very glad no one did say anything.

You have no idea what the impact of your actions could be.

While I'm very much against OP saying anything, surely the wise thing in your situation- knowing the potential impact on you and your young dc - spoke he to not have the affair. It wouldn't be the fault of the person telling your ex if any of those things had happened.

Notallheroswearcapes · 03/01/2023 11:31

As someone who has been chrated on, I would have appreciated being told so that I had the power tomake a decision about my future.

The amount of people replying its none if your business and stay out of it, really makes me lose faith in humanity.

liveforsummer · 03/01/2023 11:33

Notallheroswearcapes · 03/01/2023 11:31

As someone who has been chrated on, I would have appreciated being told so that I had the power tomake a decision about my future.

The amount of people replying its none if your business and stay out of it, really makes me lose faith in humanity.

But we have absolutely no idea in this case of an affair. OP has witnessed one reluctant embrace instigated fully by the other party. No informed decisions can be made on that

WandaWonder · 03/01/2023 11:34

Notallheroswearcapes · 03/01/2023 11:31

As someone who has been chrated on, I would have appreciated being told so that I had the power tomake a decision about my future.

The amount of people replying its none if your business and stay out of it, really makes me lose faith in humanity.

The op does not know anything just thinks they know

I would say anyone cheating may make me lose faith, not a person not involved at all

midsomermurderess · 03/01/2023 11:35

‘Appears’ to be having an affair. Is that enough to throw a hand grenade into their lives?