If you saw a neighbour having an affair?

[CheeseOnToastFan]

I have found out that one of our neighbours appears to be having an affair. He is married with a child. We don't really know one another although I know his and his wife's names. I don't know the woman I saw him with.
I don't know whether to post an anonymous note to his wife or not.
I also don't know if my own experience is affecting my judgement. Years ago, one of my neighbours tried telling me my own husband was having an affair. She didn't do it directly and I didn't cotton on so it was only later when I found out about his affair that I realised what she had been trying to tell me. I felt grateful she had tried to intervene.

I do not appoint myself as the warden of other people's lives and you shouldn't either.

Yes, I do think your own personal experience is colouring your judgement here.

As many on this thread have recommended, I think you should stay out of this.

First, you do not know your neighbours and have absolutely no responsibility (or business) interfering in their personal lives, no matter how well-intentioned your intervention may be.

Second, you do not know the that you’re right about this — perhaps he was seeing a sibling, or a close family member.

Third, you do not know their circumstances — some people live in open relationships; others know their partners have affairs but prefer to keep it to themselves in order to preserve their families. Outing the husband and the affair might put pressure on the wife to leave him when she might have preferred to turn a blind eye for the sake of her children, for financial reasons, or whatever reasons.

Finally, loss of children & break-up of families can have a detrimental effect on people. What if you do out him and he holds a grudge on you? For your own safety and peace of mind, stay out of it.

No it's none of your business.

It's always hard to see so many people saying mind your own business. It's awful when you discover your partner is having an affair and lots of people know but didn't tell you. I didn't like thinking people would see me and know... whilst I was completely oblivious. An anonymous note would be enough.

i would however just speak to her and ask if she is coping with the co-parenting and co-habiting situation ok. “Eh, Why do you say that?”- she asks. Because you saw Kevin with his new girlfriend

I think this is a really strange suggestion. Why on earth would you do that to his poor wife?

Your first responsibility is to your safety and wellbeing. As such getting involved in someone else's business with limited information is potentially putting yourself at risk so I wouldn't do it.

Of course I do sympathise with people who would prefer that people don't keep things from them in terms of affairs as I was cheated on myself, but the reality is that if you throw a grenade into someone's relationship you do run the risk of getting hit with shrapnel.

That said, do not conceal anything either. If the wife asks you if you saw anything, tell the truth, you don't anyone any loyalty here.

What sort if situation can you think about where two adults are kissing (as in a lover kiss) that could be explained by something else than an affair?

Really curious there.

Well a drunken snog after a Christmas party. I'm sure you'll say that's an affair and worth ending a marriage, breaking up a family over, but back in the real world, where people are human...

Second, you do not know the that you’re right about this — perhaps he was seeing a sibling, or a close family member.

What made you think it could be a sibling or a family member when the OP is clear they kiss was a sexual one. (I’m assuming kiss on the lips here)
Do you kiss your adult sibling on the lips?

If it was just an embrace or kiss on a cheek/in the air, fair enough. But I really don’t think that’s what the OP saw.

They aren't really friends, you don't know the circumstances, keep out of it.

"she sent a photo of him kissing the “other woman” through the kitchen window.
the other woman was my colleague, who had just had a 10 hour hair appointment going blonde after years as a brunette"

Sounds like it's worth going blonde if it makes your DH so keen to kiss you he can't even wait for you to come inside.

@VahineNuiWentHome

I didn’t know it was a sexual kiss when I wrote my response because this detail was omitted from OP’s original post. It something OP added later, which I didn’t see at the time of posting.

I personally wouldn’t kiss anyone other than my DH on the lips, but know some people kiss their children on the lips (though just a peck; not in a sexual way) — e.g. David Beckham.

Wow. Do not do this! (I'm sure you wouldn't.)

If you absolutely have to say something I'd call around and ask to come in, and say you feel very uncomfortable telling her this but in her position you'd want to know, as it happened to you before. You saw him with another woman, very clearly together. You know it is not your business and you wouldn't dream of gossiping but you believe she has a right to know if she doesn't already, so she is in control of her own life. I'd answer any basic questions of where, when, what the woman looked like but not enter into any speculation. Then I would leave as soon as possible to give her space to deal with it.

Because it assumes she is in the know, is non confrontational and cannot be interpreted as someone stirring the pot. Can also not be blamed on a jilted crush as is always the way with an anon text.

the only person doing something to the ‘poor wife’ is the husband

if it does end up being his sister (lol it won’t) then OP can apologise profusely- she got the wrong end of the stick

I wouldn't get involved at all - you don't know the 'inside' of their marriage. It would be different if you knew them well, but from what you say they are little more than strangers to you.

I'd usually advise to tell because I'd want to know but you really don't know enough about the situation!

You have no idea what their home set-up is and you said yourself that the mystery woman instigated the kiss and Mr neighbour looked uncomfortable.

That doesn't scream affair to me!!!

I would say nothing. You know nothing of their marriage other than what they choose to show you. They may have an open marriage, his wife may already know and is working out how to deal with it, it may be a "revenge" affair. The point is you don't know the facts and neither should you, it's not your business. It is up to him to tell his wife nobody else.

Sounds like he may have been sexually assaulted.

A friend of mine was a 50% shareholder in a business her and her husband had. The husband worked full-time in the showroom and she was rarely on the premises. Turned out he had been shagging a younger woman they had employed in the office. Obviously all the other staff knew but never told the wife. My friend eventually found out about the affair and was devastated that none of them had told her sooner. The fallout was terrible. The business suffered, their DC suffered, his wife's mental health suffered and she was never quite the same afterwards.

People keep out of it because it's none of their business or because they think it might be an open marriage or sometimes because they are scared of losing their jobs like in that case. But if somebody had spoken up sooner to my friend (who was not a woman who would be in an open marriage, that would be very clear to anybody who knew her even casually) then I am sure all the heartbreak could have been avoided or at least minimised.

it assumes she is in the know, is non confrontational and cannot be interpreted as someone stirring the pot.

What? It screams pot stirring. It's an absolutely ridiculous contrivance that Meryl Streep couldn't turn into something convincing. Especially when you hardly know these people!

A situation where "everyone" knows is entirely different to OP catching a fleeting glance of someone she barely knows a long way from home.

Nothing to do with you. Keep out of it.

I would tell her face to face what you saw. I'd want to know. Some affairs never get found out. They may not have agreed to an open marriage.

I'd tell her and would want to be told in her position. If my DH randomly started snogging his siblings I'd want to know that too 🤢🤮

It's not ok, it's also NOT YOUR BUSINESS.