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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you saw a neighbour having an affair?

237 replies

CheeseOnToastFan · 03/01/2023 09:30

I have found out that one of our neighbours appears to be having an affair. He is married with a child. We don't really know one another although I know his and his wife's names. I don't know the woman I saw him with.
I don't know whether to post an anonymous note to his wife or not.
I also don't know if my own experience is affecting my judgement. Years ago, one of my neighbours tried telling me my own husband was having an affair. She didn't do it directly and I didn't cotton on so it was only later when I found out about his affair that I realised what she had been trying to tell me. I felt grateful she had tried to intervene.

OP posts:
SkylightSkylight · 03/01/2023 10:10

Why was seeing him a fluke? Did you just happen to be using your binoculars, from the back box room??

Bedazzled22 · 03/01/2023 10:10

This is an awful thing to have seen and I can understand it would make you feel upset and uncomfortable.

However, I think it is best to do nothing at this stage anyway as I don’t think you know enough and enough about them.

LadyKenya · 03/01/2023 10:10

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 03/01/2023 10:06

I would absolutely tell.

Better to tell her and be wrong about it than not tell her and be right.

Yeah, do this. Cause her pain, and anguish when OP has no clue what is going on. Why would you give such foolish advice?

Slowgrowingelm · 03/01/2023 10:11

I would have appreciated being told about any of the shite my exH was up to. I don’t know if I would have believed it but I would have appreciated the warning afterwards. It’s hard when you have zero connection to the person though.

LittleDisaster · 03/01/2023 10:12

If you feel it's the right thing to do, why wouldn't you put your name to it?

Mardyface · 03/01/2023 10:12

If you want to tell her, you have to find a way to tell her openly and to her face. An anonymous note is worse than saying nothing imo.

I'm not sure I would tell her. I like to think it's because I'm a non-judgemental person but really I think I'm just a chicken who wouldn't want to bring unnecessary trouble on myself. If you don't tell her you must keep totally quiet about it though because I have experience of being gossipped about about and it's fucking horrible.

SkylightSkylight · 03/01/2023 10:12

CheeseOnToastFan · 03/01/2023 10:08

I didn't see them near where we live.

Cross posted with you. How close to them were you? I've known my neighbours pretty well for several years, I'm not sure I'd recognise them at a distance

Wonderland19 · 03/01/2023 10:13

I'm not sure if I would say anything, although I know I absolutely would want to because there is nothing worse than being made a fool of behind your back.

Its a tough situation but I do feel she should know

Original poster
CheeseOnToastFan · 03/01/2023 10:15

Bedazzled22 · 03/01/2023 10:10

This is an awful thing to have seen and I can understand it would make you feel upset and uncomfortable.

However, I think it is best to do nothing at this stage anyway as I don’t think you know enough and enough about them.

Thank you for acknowledging my feelings. Yes it was quite shocking even though his wife is not my friend or even acquaintance, I still felt a bit upset about it. It had been the woman who had instigated the embrace and then kiss. He had momentarily kept her at arms' distance, then reciprocated but not as much as her. He looked uncomfortable but the woman didn't look uncomfortable at all.

OP posts:
weetee0102 · 03/01/2023 10:16

I'd close my curtains and mind my own business

fghj149 · 03/01/2023 10:20

I completely understand that you’d want to tell, I would want to do the same, but I think the best approach is to not involve yourself especially if you don’t know the couple particularly well.

Brightstar84 · 03/01/2023 10:20

Keep your nose out of it, is my advice. If she was a close friend of yours it would be different, but you (quite literally) have no idea what goes on behind closed doors

LittleDisaster · 03/01/2023 10:22

CheeseOnToastFan · 03/01/2023 10:15

Thank you for acknowledging my feelings. Yes it was quite shocking even though his wife is not my friend or even acquaintance, I still felt a bit upset about it. It had been the woman who had instigated the embrace and then kiss. He had momentarily kept her at arms' distance, then reciprocated but not as much as her. He looked uncomfortable but the woman didn't look uncomfortable at all.

Show quote history

So what you probably saw was a drunken snog after a Christmas party. Obviously not what you'd want from your husband, but probably better all round if no one knows.

isthismylifenow · 03/01/2023 10:22

If it wasn't near your homes, maybe you thought it was him. It may not have been.

And secondly you have no idea what is happening in their relationship.

You don't know them, so stay out of it.

Madamecastafiore · 03/01/2023 10:23

I'd send a note. At least give her a heads up to be on the watch and get her ducks in order. Poor woman.

ImustLearn2Cook · 03/01/2023 10:23

Some people have open marriages, some people have an identical twin, some people cheat on their spouses.

The problem is that you just don’t know them well enough to know 100% that he is cheating on his wife.

So, I think it is probably wise to not say anything.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 03/01/2023 10:24

LadyKenya · 03/01/2023 10:10

Yeah, do this. Cause her pain, and anguish when OP has no clue what is going on. Why would you give such foolish advice?

Show quote history

Ah sorry see when I found out my ex was cheating one of the most hurtful things (outside the obvious) was how not a single person told me despite everyone knowing. Oh and everyone coming up to be afterwards to say "oh I thought about telling you but I didn't want to get involved".
So yeah you're right, that is soooo much better and hurt way less.

Getamoveon36 · 03/01/2023 10:24

You don’t know these people or their situation. Mind your own business.

Hedjwitch · 03/01/2023 10:24

I'd mind my own business

liveforsummer · 03/01/2023 10:25

What you describe certainly doesn't confirm an affair - stay out of it you have no idea if the circumstances

warofthemonstertrucks · 03/01/2023 10:27

My neighbours thought I was having an affair at one point. My brother had a period of working a bit in our area and at odd times and they put two and two together and made five. They told me this on finding out my exh had moved out following his actual
affair.
It made me feel even worse actually as I became paranoid that everyone on the street thought that and were gossiping about me. On top of everything else.

So I would stay out of it were I you

Georgeskitchen · 03/01/2023 10:27

You sound like a busybody with nothing better to do than judge people. You don't kn ow what's going on in their lives.
Keep your sticky beak out

napody · 03/01/2023 10:27

I think stay out too but the number of posts saying 'well it could have been a friend or sibling' made me laugh- some people on here would argue with a brick wall! She clearly saw them snogging.

purpleflies · 03/01/2023 10:27

I'd mind my own business too.

LeopardPrintHo · 03/01/2023 10:28

You have no idea what goes on on peoples lives. Keep your nose out.

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