Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS 18 in relationship with 31 year old woman

208 replies

Shionne · 15/12/2022 09:27

I have an 18 year old DS who has been romantically linvolved with a 31 year old woman for approximately 2 months. I say involved as at this point, I am unsure what the exact situation is between them. I don't know if it's a fling or a fully-fledged relationship. As you can imagine by the fact that I'm posting about it, I'm a bit dismayed about it. I appreciate that at 18 he can see and have sex with whoever he likes, but I'm concerned about the massive difference in maturity and life experience between them. He has been to her house a couple of times. After the most recent visit, he returned home smiling from ear to ear with a spring in his step. I do not think it would take a significant leap of imagination to assume he wasn't sleeping on her couch, if you see what I mean.

My husband views the situation differently. He thinks I am overreacting and should just leave it. He thinks it's fine and there is nothing to worry about. If I was to meet this woman, I would want to know what her motivations are, does she perceive DS as her boyfriend, and whether she normally goes for much younger men. It would be a bit of a grilling. What would you do, if anything? Shall I just keep quiet and be prepared to pick up the pieces if and when it goes belly up?

OP posts:
RolleenCooney · 15/12/2022 09:31

Oh, I wouldn’t like this, but not sure there’s much you can do really! He’s very young and I would just wait for this phase to pass, personally

selfishactualization · 15/12/2022 09:37

I would simply have a conversation with your son re contraceptive approaches and the real risk of STI and that an itch can be for life!

He is a bag of shagging hormones at 18 and the "older" woman will be enjoying them.

Be supportive as you won't win this one so best he is as safe as possible.

Loachworks · 15/12/2022 09:44

I have DS 18 and I'd be really upset but worried I'd be pushing him into her arms if I said or did anything.

GelPens1 · 15/12/2022 09:49

@Shionne tell him that he needs to wear a condom every time he has sex. He can’t rely on the woman to be honest about taking hormonal contraception. I’d be concerned she might be hoping to ‘accidentally’ fall pregnant with a fit young man. I’m in my mid-20s and view 18 year olds as children. Many 30 year olds are thinking of their career and/or babies. 18 year olds only just left school.

1dayatatime · 15/12/2022 09:50

@selfishactualization

"
He is a bag of shagging hormones at 18 and the "older" woman will be enjoying them."

++++

I would be extremely unhappy with this situation. Yes he is 18 and entitled to have sex but aside from the very unhealthy interest of a 31 year old woman in someone 13 years her junior, your DS is wasting important time learning to date and understand young women of his own age. This lack of understanding will adversely impact his ability to form proper relationships in later years.

Also it is quite frankly shocking at the level of sexism in the responses to your original post as I have no doubt that if this had been your 18 year old daughter dating a 31 year old man then the responses would have been very different.

Terryinblackpool · 15/12/2022 09:50

selfishactualization · 15/12/2022 09:37

I would simply have a conversation with your son re contraceptive approaches and the real risk of STI and that an itch can be for life!

He is a bag of shagging hormones at 18 and the "older" woman will be enjoying them.

Be supportive as you won't win this one so best he is as safe as possible.

Yuck

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2022 09:57

Confronting this woman and harassing her about her motivations would backfire spectacularly. Unfortunately, you will just have to sit back and see what happens.

LeandraDear · 15/12/2022 10:00

1dayatatime · 15/12/2022 09:50

@selfishactualization

"
He is a bag of shagging hormones at 18 and the "older" woman will be enjoying them."

++++

I would be extremely unhappy with this situation. Yes he is 18 and entitled to have sex but aside from the very unhealthy interest of a 31 year old woman in someone 13 years her junior, your DS is wasting important time learning to date and understand young women of his own age. This lack of understanding will adversely impact his ability to form proper relationships in later years.

Also it is quite frankly shocking at the level of sexism in the responses to your original post as I have no doubt that if this had been your 18 year old daughter dating a 31 year old man then the responses would have been very different.

I wonder if Dad would be so casual if it were his daughter.

RolleenCooney · 15/12/2022 10:02

1dayatatime · 15/12/2022 09:50

@selfishactualization

"
He is a bag of shagging hormones at 18 and the "older" woman will be enjoying them."

++++

I would be extremely unhappy with this situation. Yes he is 18 and entitled to have sex but aside from the very unhealthy interest of a 31 year old woman in someone 13 years her junior, your DS is wasting important time learning to date and understand young women of his own age. This lack of understanding will adversely impact his ability to form proper relationships in later years.

Also it is quite frankly shocking at the level of sexism in the responses to your original post as I have no doubt that if this had been your 18 year old daughter dating a 31 year old man then the responses would have been very different.

I don’t disagree with you, but what would you actually do in this situation?

KILM · 15/12/2022 10:02

Cant wait for someone to inevitably come along and go 'I was 18 and my DH was 31 when we got together and we're still very happily married with 3 beautiful children 18 years later! He only stares at 1 of my daughters friends'

Lovageandrose · 15/12/2022 10:03

The poor chap. Hopefully he will see sense soon enough.

NameChange1718 · 15/12/2022 10:03

I’m 24 and I wouldn’t so much as glance at an 18 year old! I even felt odd about dating my partner at first as he was 19 and I was 20 (he’s 9 months younger) and I know boys/men mature later on average.

I’d wonder what the hell she wanted other than sex as 18 is so young. I really hope she doesn’t break his heart. I had a friend in school who had an older girlfriend (17 and 25) and when she broke it off he sadly took his life. I’m sure there were other factors we didn’t know about but the reason he mentioned was her leaving and him feeling humiliated and ashamed. The power imbalance is too much here

Abhannmor · 15/12/2022 10:07

This will burn itself out naturally. Sex is all well and good but he simply has more in common with women in his own age group.

Would be different if he was 30 and she was 43. But there is quite an imbalance between 18 and 30.

Comefromaway · 15/12/2022 10:11

I know it is legal but I think it is exploitative. There is a massive imbalance. They are vulnerable still. Dh and think differently about it. About a year ago the mum of ds's ex tried to hit on one of his friends and it just seemed so wrong to me.

Comefromaway · 15/12/2022 10:12

I meant to say my own ds and his friend are 18.

1dayatatime · 15/12/2022 10:26

@LeandraDear

"I wonder if Dad would be so casual if it were his daughter."

++++

Exactly- "but oh its different for boys".

No it bloody isn't!!!

Motherskiss · 15/12/2022 10:28

Why would she want to be with a young person who has barely stepped out the school gate? I would not push him in any way as he will likely retreat to her.

Comefromaway · 15/12/2022 10:29

This makes me SO mad. I have a boy and a girl and it is not different. Boys can be just as vulnerable as girls can be when there is such an age/power imbalance.

snowbellsxox · 15/12/2022 10:32

Three years ago he would have been 15 .. doesn't sit right with me

unclebuck · 15/12/2022 10:33

So so grim. A student of mine aged 17 got a 34 yo woman pregnant a few years ago and it was horrendous. The abuse the grandparents got from her and she is, of course, a horrendous parent. The baby is with the paternal grandparents full time now and they have the endure this woman's access visits. Ask you son if he will be hanging around with 18yos when he is a 30?

1dayatatime · 15/12/2022 10:34

@RolleenCooney

"I don’t disagree with you, but what would you actually do in this situation?"

++++

Firstly explain that it is up to him as he is 18. But keep reminding him that every day he sees this older woman is time he is missing out on dating younger women of his own age, that this will badly impact his ability to form proper relationships later on (rather than a purely sex based arrangement) and quite frankly there is something definitely weird about a 31 year old woman dating a 18 year old boy.

Pleasebeafleabite · 15/12/2022 10:43

She would be warned off if this was my son - inappropriate grooming behaviour with scope to end badly

Comedycook · 15/12/2022 10:45

Honestly I think it's grim. Yes, they are both adults and there's nothing you can do really but I would feel the same as you. Hopefully it will be a short-lived thing. And hopefully they are using contraception.

Beansontoast45 · 15/12/2022 10:48

I have a 19 year old and I would be fuming if he was seeing a 31 year old. Disgusting woman.

There is no point in making a big thing of it as he is an adult, it will fizzle out. She should be ashamed of herself though.

JJ8765 · 15/12/2022 10:50

I can think of two people I know with similar male / female age and gap and both times the women became pregnant ‘unplanned’ very quickly.