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Original poster

DS 18 in relationship with 31 year old woman

208 replies

Shionne · 15/12/2022 09:27

I have an 18 year old DS who has been romantically linvolved with a 31 year old woman for approximately 2 months. I say involved as at this point, I am unsure what the exact situation is between them. I don't know if it's a fling or a fully-fledged relationship. As you can imagine by the fact that I'm posting about it, I'm a bit dismayed about it. I appreciate that at 18 he can see and have sex with whoever he likes, but I'm concerned about the massive difference in maturity and life experience between them. He has been to her house a couple of times. After the most recent visit, he returned home smiling from ear to ear with a spring in his step. I do not think it would take a significant leap of imagination to assume he wasn't sleeping on her couch, if you see what I mean.

My husband views the situation differently. He thinks I am overreacting and should just leave it. He thinks it's fine and there is nothing to worry about. If I was to meet this woman, I would want to know what her motivations are, does she perceive DS as her boyfriend, and whether she normally goes for much younger men. It would be a bit of a grilling. What would you do, if anything? Shall I just keep quiet and be prepared to pick up the pieces if and when it goes belly up?

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 15/12/2022 13:06

Ds1 is this age. I would be very unhappy. What sort of 31 year old woman wants to have a relationship with an 18 year old. Speaks volumes about her. None of it good.

MontanaRivers · 15/12/2022 13:06

I have a 19 year old son and I would be worried.

Comefromaway · 15/12/2022 13:28

dottiedodah · 15/12/2022 12:45

I would be unhappy with this too .However Comefromaway a 13 year gap does not make her old enough to be his mother!

The woman in ds's friend's case was slightly older (late 30's). Her own daughter was ds's girlfriend. In addition ds's friends mum got pregnant at 16.

Opaljewel · 15/12/2022 13:56

You can't censor who your son decides to date age gap or not. He's 18 and an adult in the eyes of the law. I doubt it will last a long time so just leave him to it.

defi · 15/12/2022 14:05

If it was. 31yo man and an 18yo woman. People would be calling him a strange man and possibly a paedophile

  • have a read of the responses plenty of people are pointing out how gross it is
todaytacotuesday · 15/12/2022 14:13

I'm 31 and could not imagine being attracted to an 18 year old. Of course everybody has their own preferences but I can see why your not happy. No advice I'm afraid other than when I was 18 my parents tried to influence who I was dating and it backfired massively and pushed me more towards the wrong relationship

Pinkbonbon · 15/12/2022 14:20

My only worry would be that they were having safe sex. Tbf that's a big worry. But then I suppose if he gets a 31 year old pregnant, she would be more mature as a parent than an 18 year old girl. Well, maybe not if she still sleeps with 18 year olds.

But it might not be about sex. Maybe she's had a nasty ex and things a young man might be nicer to her. Maybe it was just meant to be a fling but he is a sweetheart and she enjoys his company. And she's thinking 'I finally find a nice person and I have to give them up because other people don't like it?'

Of course she could also be a predator. But we just don't know. Talk to him about how to spot early signs of abuse just incase.

Dinoswearunderpants · 15/12/2022 14:25

I don't understand the worry? Would you rather him sleep with an immature 18 year old who might not be careful with contraception?

A 31 year old likely has her life together. Clearly her own home. And your DS is happy, what's the issue?

Simonjt · 15/12/2022 14:32

Oh thats creepy, a certain type of adult waits in the wings until someone turns 18.

I’m 34 and I wouldn’t even date a 24 year old, nevermind someone who was a child until very very recently and likely still in compulsory education.

Support support support, sadly anything else could lead to him spending more time with this woman, remind him how expensive babies are.

emptythelitterbox · 15/12/2022 14:40

I'd emphasize the wearing a condom correctly every time. His father should be talking to him I mean.

If it's one of his first sexual experiences, it'll likely fizzle out as quickly as it began.
She'll get tired of his immaturity and move on.

mumda · 15/12/2022 14:57

An often-asserted rule of thumb to determine whether an age difference is socially acceptable holds that a person should never date someone whose age is less than half their own plus seven years

(Pinched from a wikipedia page)

IDontWantToBeAPie · 15/12/2022 15:01

18 year olds still look like boys! I'd be horrified. For the love of god tell him to be careful and not get her pregnant

eelieza · 15/12/2022 15:05

My dad was 22 and my mum 33 when i was born 🤢

gannett · 15/12/2022 15:10

Don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable but the point is that in practical terms there's nothing you can do. Laying on any guilt or disapproval is only going to push him towards her.

Hammer home the importance of contraception and not getting her pregnant, that's crucial (and it would be regardless of her age), watch out for any signs that she's becoming controlling and affecting his life plans, but other than that you just have to stand back and be there for him as and when he needs that.

Comefromaway · 15/12/2022 15:25

eelieza · 15/12/2022 15:05

My dad was 22 and my mum 33 when i was born 🤢

To be fair I think people mature a lot between the ages of 18/19 and 22/23

Gildedbrooks · 15/12/2022 16:00

This is like Caroline Flack and Harry Styles isn't it, in fact I think he was 17 and her 31.

It was a bit odd and predatory but it fizzled out and I suspect this will too.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/12/2022 16:10

I think it's gross OP but if you go in all guns blazing you risk pushing them together. Especially if you have a go at her - you can imagine her telling him about it, him kicking off at you, coming in like a white knight, and ending up moving in with her. And at 18 there would be bugger all you could do about that.

Doesn't bear thinking about. So keep your counsel, remind him about contraception (maybe best his dad does) and cross your fingers it fizzles out.

I'd say the exact same if it was a DD an an older man.

bothsidesofasmile · 15/12/2022 16:19

I can understand your feelings as there will undoubtedly be some power imbalances with this set up but honestly don't fight this one as it could hinder your relationship with DS of you do. The older woman is seemingly appealing to young men and you're probably right in thinking this will be a fling for both parties rather than a relationship with much potential (although I'm sure there will be the odd situation where this does turn into a meaningful relationship). I would reiterate the importance of safe sex and also that he can speak with you about anything. I wouldn't push a conversation on power imbalances but if it does come up naturally I would gently explain about coercive control ect. There is definitely potential for red flags here but I think for the most part it is harmless so you are best to sit back and observe this play out.

Ringmaster27 · 15/12/2022 16:28

I’m not one to shy away from an age gap - I previously dated a man 15 years older than me…but 18 and 31 sounds predatory even if it is legal, regardless of whether it’s younger man + older woman or the other way around. If it was my 18yo DS/Dd I’d be very concerned about the older party’s interest in someone of that age. What does a 31 year old woman see in an 18 year old boy?! It’s creepy. Even if it is just sex, it’s creepy.
Even when I was 20/21, I wouldn’t have even considered an 18 year old as part of my dating pool 😬😬 Let alone now when I’m pushing 30. In my eyes, an 18 year old is barely more than a child even if the law says different and it gives me the ick 😬

Original poster
Shionne · 15/12/2022 17:40

I'm grateful for all the responses to this. I've had conversations with DS in the past about using condoms and have since reiterated their importance. Still I am worried about the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy. I don't know if she is on the pill or any other form of contraception. I certainly hope she is.

OP posts:
OldFan · 15/12/2022 17:49

Do you know if she has kids already? I doubt she will want a teenager as a father to potential children so wouldn'tve thought she'd deliberately sneakily get pregnant.

But who knows with people I guess, it takes all sorts to make a world.

And people don't bother about condoms as much now as we did in the days of AIDS not having treatments/the public education broadcast with the tombstone etc.

Quirkyme · 15/12/2022 17:49

Oh dear.

1994girl · 15/12/2022 17:50

I wouldn't be impressed if this was my son.

LeandraDear · 15/12/2022 17:52

I totally understand where you are coming from. You simply want your son to have the experience he should - going out with his friends, holidays, Uni whatever without jumping to the stage of a settled relationship so soon. A woman that age will soon want to start a family if she wants one and who really wants that for their son at 19/20. All you and his Dad can do are remind him to be careful regards contraception and to discuss with him the plans he has for his life. Is he working or planning to go to uni?

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 15/12/2022 17:53

Going against the grain but I don't see anything wrong with it. He is an adult and so is she. I'd say the same if the sexes were reversed.

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