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Original poster

DS 18 in relationship with 31 year old woman

208 replies

Shionne · 15/12/2022 09:27

I have an 18 year old DS who has been romantically linvolved with a 31 year old woman for approximately 2 months. I say involved as at this point, I am unsure what the exact situation is between them. I don't know if it's a fling or a fully-fledged relationship. As you can imagine by the fact that I'm posting about it, I'm a bit dismayed about it. I appreciate that at 18 he can see and have sex with whoever he likes, but I'm concerned about the massive difference in maturity and life experience between them. He has been to her house a couple of times. After the most recent visit, he returned home smiling from ear to ear with a spring in his step. I do not think it would take a significant leap of imagination to assume he wasn't sleeping on her couch, if you see what I mean.

My husband views the situation differently. He thinks I am overreacting and should just leave it. He thinks it's fine and there is nothing to worry about. If I was to meet this woman, I would want to know what her motivations are, does she perceive DS as her boyfriend, and whether she normally goes for much younger men. It would be a bit of a grilling. What would you do, if anything? Shall I just keep quiet and be prepared to pick up the pieces if and when it goes belly up?

OP posts:
00100001 · 15/12/2022 10:52

If it was. 31yo man and an 18yo woman. People would be calling him a strange man and possibly a paedophile

Meseekslookatme · 15/12/2022 10:54

He's an adult.
Make sure he's using condoms without prying too much and wait for it to fizzle out.

Bookworm20 · 15/12/2022 11:01

Yuck, its sick. WTF is wrong with her? He is literally just leaving school.

If it was my ds I would be very worried about him being hurt. It may not be just about the sex for him, he could end up very badly hurt by this woman. I mean what in hell does a 31 year old have in common with an 18 year old lad?

And yeah, ask your dh if he'd feel the same if his 18yo daughter was seeing a 31 year old man. Might put it in perspective for him.

Nameandgamechange123 · 15/12/2022 11:07

A fully grown woman having a sexual relationship with a teenager is just wrong.

Chuckle94 · 15/12/2022 11:08

I’m only in my 20’s and the thought of dating an 18 year old is repulsive. Yes he’s classed as an adult but 18 is way too young for 31 year old woman. something is wrong with her

GoingtotheWinchester · 15/12/2022 11:13

I’d be furious with her and very suspicious of her motivations but I’d say nothing as I know it wouldn’t end well.

Very odd though - I’d be very upset.

Comefromaway · 15/12/2022 11:14

Chuckle94 · 15/12/2022 11:08

I’m only in my 20’s and the thought of dating an 18 year old is repulsive. Yes he’s classed as an adult but 18 is way too young for 31 year old woman. something is wrong with her

I totally agree. When I think of ds's 18 year old friends and see how, despite being legal adults they still have so much vulnerability and need guidance in their lives. A woman old enough to be their mother having a sexual relationship with them is just urgh!

aSofaNearYou · 15/12/2022 11:17

I don't know what I would do but I think you are right to be concerned.

For context, my DP got into a relationship like this, he went on to marry her (divorced now) and now feels borderline groomed and laments that nobody in his life said anything at the time.

I don't think relationships like this are appropriate regardless of the sex of the person in question, a 31 year old should know an 18 year old is not mature or experienced enough to be with them. A bit different if it's literally just a FWB situation and they're both very clear about that.

Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 11:20

I’d also be very disturbed by this but I’m with your husband, a grilling isn’t going to help you, it will back fire. He will be ashamed of you and embarrassed . He is ultimately an adult.

however I’d be having the contraception talk, in this instance I’d let your husband as you are struggling wit it, as would I be

Ihatethenewlook · 15/12/2022 11:22

GelPens1 · 15/12/2022 09:49

@Shionne tell him that he needs to wear a condom every time he has sex. He can’t rely on the woman to be honest about taking hormonal contraception. I’d be concerned she might be hoping to ‘accidentally’ fall pregnant with a fit young man. I’m in my mid-20s and view 18 year olds as children. Many 30 year olds are thinking of their career and/or babies. 18 year olds only just left school.

I came on to say this. My mates 18yo son is shagging a woman in her 30’s. She already has 4 kids and guess who’s just got her pregnant with her 5th?

Abhannmor · 15/12/2022 11:31

That's the problem @aSofaNearYou . When you're 31 you have had experience both good and bad . You've developed a thicker skin to be blunt.

Whereas this young lad might be romantically involved. Of course it may just be physical on both sides. But I don't buy the 'young men are all mad for it ' line either. I was an emotional minefield at 18. And thought I knew everything....

PhillySub · 15/12/2022 11:33

She is having sex and doesn't have to wash his socks, he is having more sex than he has ever had before and mum is worrying about a relationship?

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2022 11:35

1dayatatime · 15/12/2022 10:26

@LeandraDear

"I wonder if Dad would be so casual if it were his daughter."

++++

Exactly- "but oh its different for boys".

No it bloody isn't!!!

It isn't any different.

But at 18, how do you stop it?

FTY765 · 15/12/2022 11:35

I wouldn't be happy, but as you say, you can you do nothing about it.
Hopefully it files out quickly!

beachcitygirl · 15/12/2022 11:36

Utterly grim & I would be fuming.
But I agree with others, I'd be worried about any conversation backfiring.

I hate to say it, I think you're going to have to take a backseat. Yuk.

Georgeskitchen · 15/12/2022 11:36

I understand your concerns but probably best reiterate the importance of condoms and let him get on with it. It's almost certainly just about sex and the last thing he needs is to be tied to a much older woman and child

Hopefully it will fizzle out naturally when they have both had their fun

Rookriver · 15/12/2022 11:43

Definitely have a contraception chat reiterating that hormonal contraception can fail in case she says that's what she's using. It's gross but I'm not sure there's much else you can do. He is an adult, and if you push him away he'll spend more time with her.

Presumably at some point she'll get sick of him. Strange woman

OldFan · 15/12/2022 11:43

I've had quite a few relationships with older men. If the difference doesn't amount to much at the ages this couple are at, it certainly will eventually in the future- although less so than if the older person was a man.

Hopefully he'll be onto the next soon, anyway.

Tsort · 15/12/2022 11:46

It’s interesting, as if this were an 18 year old girl and a 30 year old man, you’d have dozens of people telling you it was fine, they were that age when they met their much older DH, their grandmother/aunty/sixth cousin twice removed has an eleventy million year age gap and so on and so forth.

Yet, when it’s an older woman/younger man situation, the disgust is palpable.

NoMoneyForFancyStuff · 15/12/2022 11:49

Tsort · 15/12/2022 11:46

It’s interesting, as if this were an 18 year old girl and a 30 year old man, you’d have dozens of people telling you it was fine, they were that age when they met their much older DH, their grandmother/aunty/sixth cousin twice removed has an eleventy million year age gap and so on and so forth.

Yet, when it’s an older woman/younger man situation, the disgust is palpable.

I agree with you there. I have seen many posters here saying how I have a happy marriage with someone 10+ year my senior.

shreddies · 15/12/2022 11:55

Tsort · 15/12/2022 11:46

It’s interesting, as if this were an 18 year old girl and a 30 year old man, you’d have dozens of people telling you it was fine, they were that age when they met their much older DH, their grandmother/aunty/sixth cousin twice removed has an eleventy million year age gap and so on and so forth.

Yet, when it’s an older woman/younger man situation, the disgust is palpable.

Plenty of people have said that they wouldn't be ok with an 18 year old girl and 31 year old man.

It's not the same as a 28 year old woman and 41 year old man. 18 year olds have no life experience.

OP I'd be really unhappy about this too. I would absolutely be hammering home the importance of him using condoms.

worstusernameeverx2 · 15/12/2022 11:56

Imagine if the ages were swapped, it's predatory

Tsort · 15/12/2022 11:57

shreddies · 15/12/2022 11:55

Plenty of people have said that they wouldn't be ok with an 18 year old girl and 31 year old man.

It's not the same as a 28 year old woman and 41 year old man. 18 year olds have no life experience.

OP I'd be really unhappy about this too. I would absolutely be hammering home the importance of him using condoms.

Show quote history

Plenty of people have said that they wouldn't be ok with an 18 year old girl and 31 year old man.

And plenty more will defend it rabidly.

It's not the same as a 28 year old woman and 41 year old man. 18 year olds have no life experience.

I agree.

dottiedodah · 15/12/2022 12:45

I would be unhappy with this too .However Comefromaway a 13 year gap does not make her old enough to be his mother!

category12 · 15/12/2022 13:02

Unfortunately, as he's 18, you need to let him get on with it and just try to be supportive if he needs you.

I wouldn't be happy, but it'll probably be shortlived.