DS 18 in relationship with 31 year old woman

[Shionne]

I have an 18 year old DS who has been romantically linvolved with a 31 year old woman for approximately 2 months. I say involved as at this point, I am unsure what the exact situation is between them. I don't know if it's a fling or a fully-fledged relationship. As you can imagine by the fact that I'm posting about it, I'm a bit dismayed about it. I appreciate that at 18 he can see and have sex with whoever he likes, but I'm concerned about the massive difference in maturity and life experience between them. He has been to her house a couple of times. After the most recent visit, he returned home smiling from ear to ear with a spring in his step. I do not think it would take a significant leap of imagination to assume he wasn't sleeping on her couch, if you see what I mean.

My husband views the situation differently. He thinks I am overreacting and should just leave it. He thinks it's fine and there is nothing to worry about. If I was to meet this woman, I would want to know what her motivations are, does she perceive DS as her boyfriend, and whether she normally goes for much younger men. It would be a bit of a grilling. What would you do, if anything? Shall I just keep quiet and be prepared to pick up the pieces if and when it goes belly up?

I think I’d encourage the relationship out into the open and invite her home, to meet family, to come when his friends are around, etc.
What seems lovely one on one, can lose its polish when you see it through your friend’s/family’s eyes and if she resists meeting any of you, I’d gently highlight that for him.

You could be stuck with her longterm and your ds will need his family, so don’t push him away from you. Play the long game.

Keep him talking to you - which means listening to him and biting your lip. Ime people don’t really hear advice, but if they talk long enough they make enough space in their heads for a bit of sense to take hold.

I don’t envy you. It’s a grim situation. Delegate the condom, std and contraception chat to your dh. Might give him a reality check too.

I was 18 and my ex 33 when we started dating/I got pregnant quickly/19 when we married.

I thought it was absolutely fine at the time. It was not. When I hit 30 I wondered wtf he was thinking with an 18yo, we clearly had nothing in common and he was taking advantage, massively so.

I wouldn't have heard it at 18 though, I thought he was my soul mate rather than the sleazy creep he actually was.

All you can do is be there, be subtle in pointing out the differences in life experiences, and have the talk about safe sex so he isn't stuck with her in his life forever.

This would gross me out too but I'm not sure you can do much other than teach about safe sex

I genuinely think it will fizzle out quickly and any interference may push him closer to her.

I was seeing some one who was very late 30s when I was 18, moreso in rebellion to my parents but als the fact he was older was exciting to me. Whenever my parents tried to talk to me about it, it made me stuck to my guns moreso. They soon decided to let me make my own choice and shortly after I ended things in the realisation it wasn't healthy relationship for my age and wanted to be out with my friends.

If you were to speak with him, I would advise yo tread lightly and just let him know you're there to support him in whatever choices he makes in life x

I’m 38 and my son is 18
mid go absolutely berserk.
it’s weird

I also really don't think it's okay, I'd be seriously questioning her motives.
I am 30, I don't understand how anyone my age could be sexually attracted to an 18 year old, and it would give me serious misgivings about their intentions and the type of person they are.

Though I have no idea how on Earth to navigate the situation in your position as his parent.

Even if it was your own 18 year old?

He is so young he could be in sixth form.

It's really grim.

I don't have one, but it's exactly the same age gap as DH and me.

Aaron Johnson was 18 too. A 42 year old odd year old film director groomed him. Baby trapped him very quickly. @Shionne again, tell your ds he cannot rely on the woman to be telling the truth about taking the pill regularly or having an implant/iud etc. Your ds could end up like Aaron Johnson. Condoms every time!!

@PlaitBilledDuckyPuss

Were you (or was he) a teenager when you met?

A 13 year age gap isn't troubling in itself, It's the fact one of the people involved is 18, in a hugely different life stage, that is what makes this feel so grim to so many people.

It’s always “we’re divorced now but we had 20 wonderful years together”

yes and you’re divorced now 😂

Any woman over 30 who is interested in an 18 year old, even if just sexually, has something very wrong going on with her. Plain wrong.

Normal well adjusted women don't date kids. Doesn't happen.

But my advice to OP would be to so nothing and pray it fizzles out. If you try to warn him he'll just double down and become more determined to prove you wrong.

Awful situation to be in, but unfortunately there's just not much you can do.

It’s really none of your business.

A mature 30 year old who has her life together is not interested in dating teenage boys. She's a weirdo.

It’s pretty grim and I’d be concerned about her getting pregnant as lots of women seem to panic about their biological clock when they teach 30.

However, you need to not say anything negative and always be positive when talking about her.

Any hint that you are not happy will push him closer towards him.

Your DH is right that he’s an adult and you need to stay out of it.

I would focus on encouraging him to pursue his goals, go out with his friends, have them around your house, help him decide what uni or job he wants etc so there is more to life than just this one woman.

Is he still at school? If yes, I would be quite horrified.

Your own child's happiness, emotional safety and future is not your business?

Good lord...

My son is coming up 18 and I'm 36. I would not like this situation at all. I find it disgusting, he is still a child in my eyes. With far less life experiences as you say.

Don’t be overbearing. He’s 18 not 8.

At 18 he's hormone fueled and emotionally immature. Probably little dating experience. What could possibly go wrong and why would a mother worry? 😐

Are you for real?

I would be upset by this and concerned but would keep out of it and offer advice

Omg, are you? Wind your neck in. At 18 if you start controlling his life and decisions he will just run off. There comes a point where you have to let your kids make their own mistakes, it doesn’t mean you don’t care or you don’t love them. At 18 it really is not anyone’s business who he dates or sees. I said it’s none of her business not that she shouldn’t care about it.

Don’t be overbearing. He’s 18 not 8.

A 31 year old with a teenager is pretty disgusting.

My son is 18, he’s just got his first girlfriend who is also 18 and they are at Uni together. Both of them it’s their first relationship and it’s really sweet they are finding out about love / sex together. I also wouldn’t be best pleased if my son was with a 31yr old woman. Not at all, but I think I’d tread carefully as often the more you push against something the more it carries on. Hopefully it soon fizzles out. I can’t imagine what a 31yr old would want with an 18yr old, bizarre to me

Omg, are you? Wind your neck in. At 18 if you start controlling his life and decisions he will just run off. There comes a point where you have to let your kids make their own mistakes, it doesn’t mean you don’t care or you don’t love them. At 18 it really is not anyone’s business who he dates or sees. I said it’s none of her business not that she shouldn’t care about it.

oh and personally I find it disgusting, I would hate it but it’s none of my business so I’d have to let it ride out for a while whether I liked it or not.