Page 5 | DS 18 in relationship with 31 year old woman

Shionne · 2022-12-15T09:27:17+00:00

I have an 18 year old DS who has been romantically linvolved with a 31 year old woman for approximately 2 months. I say involved as at this point, I am unsure what the exact situation is between them. I don't know if it's a fling or a fully-fledged relationship. As you can imagine by the fact that I'm posting about it, I'm a bit dismayed about it. I appreciate that at 18 he can see and have sex with whoever he likes, but I'm concerned about the massive difference in maturity and life experience between them. He has been to her house a couple of times. After the most recent visit, he returned home smiling from ear to ear with a spring in his step. I do not think it would take a significant leap of imagination to assume he wasn't sleeping on her couch, if you see what I mean. My husband views the situation differently. He thinks I am overreacting and should just leave it. He thinks it's fine and there is nothing to worry about. If I was to meet this woman, I would want to know what her motivations are, does she perceive DS as her boyfriend, and whether she normally goes for much younger men. It would be a bit of a grilling. What would you do, if anything? Shall I just keep quiet and be prepared to pick up the pieces if and when it goes belly up?

RobinRobinMouse · 15/12/2022 19:09

From the outside it can seem strange but you just never know how things will turn out. My own parents were similar ages and they got married and have celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary recently. Yes there may be challenges along the way, but aren't there always? I think all you can do is be supportive of your son come what may.

Sammyg76 · 15/12/2022 19:09

I was 18 when I met my husband aged 35. Omg do I now wish my parents had stepped in ! Follow your heart more importantly your gut.

HelsyQ · 15/12/2022 19:09

Octo5 · 15/12/2022 19:07

Don’t be overbearing. He’s 18 not 8.

A 31 year old with a teenager is pretty disgusting.

Yes, vile. But you don’t really get a say in who someone starts to see when they’re 18.

Ilovetolurk · 15/12/2022 19:18

Only one reply on this thread suggesting having a word with her. I would certainly be doing that and after that she’d be leaving him alone.

Octo5 · 15/12/2022 19:22

Only one reply on this thread suggesting having a word with her. I would certainly be doing that and after that she’d be leaving him alone.

I completely disagree.

Having a word with her is going to achieve nothing but piss her off and pull DS even further away from his family.

The best thing is to pretend to be completely open to the relationship but encourage him to keep going out with his friends etc like any normal teen would do.

DarkShade · 15/12/2022 19:26

I would also be dismayed. When I was 18 I dated a 24 year old and honestly, in retrospect the age gap was no good. I was too young and too easy to control, and a few years later our lifestyles were totally out of sync. But I don't think that there's anything you can do.

Lesserspottedmama · 15/12/2022 19:34

This is horrendous. I’m 31 and an 18 year old boy is a child in my eyes. Stomach-churning and yes I’d be massively concerned she just wants some youthful sperm.

antelopevalley · 15/12/2022 19:37

00100001 · 15/12/2022 10:52

If it was. 31yo man and an 18yo woman. People would be calling him a strange man and possibly a paedophile

They don't. I know from experience.

Liorae · 15/12/2022 19:37

Instead of grilling the woman why don't you or better still his father talk to your son and ask him how he sees the relationship? A fling, friends with benefits, a girlfriend/boyfriend thing? Reinforce the use of condoms, but don't tell him you think the age gap is disgusting or inappropriate.

Ilovetolurk · 15/12/2022 19:47

Octo5 · 15/12/2022 19:22

Only one reply on this thread suggesting having a word with her. I would certainly be doing that and after that she’d be leaving him alone.

I completely disagree.

Having a word with her is going to achieve nothing but piss her off and pull DS even further away from his family.

The best thing is to pretend to be completely open to the relationship but encourage him to keep going out with his friends etc like any normal teen would do.

Surely it would depend on the conversation. I know a very similar situation where the concerned relative (not me personally) achieved just this. Enough said

Pismascrescents · 15/12/2022 19:52

Sometimes, saying nothing and letting them make their own mistakes is the way to do it. If you try to stop him, he could reject you and go to her. He’s 18. He’ll be bored in a little while

Brightstar29 · 15/12/2022 20:01

I’m 30 and it’s weird. I wouldn’t date someone 3 years younger than me nevermind 13. What would a 31 year old want with an 18 year old 🧐

piedbeauty · 15/12/2022 20:45

I'd be taking very seriously to my ds, pointing out the age difference, the difference in power between them, the difference in maturity, and asking him what he sees in her - and why she likes him.

Agree with condom advice too.

Whether it's an older man or an older woman, this sort of age gap is deeply dodgy. I'd tell my DS this.

ThisMama1 · 16/12/2022 00:14

Ilovetolurk · 15/12/2022 19:18

Only one reply on this thread suggesting having a word with her. I would certainly be doing that and after that she’d be leaving him alone.

Or that could totally backfire on you & end up pushing him into moving in with her. I wouldn’t like my son in this situation at all but I think as a parent you need to really think about how you’d approach it so he doesn’t run from you straight into her arms. As soon as she says what you’ve done as a mother you’d end up risking your relationship with child drastically.

I think the best approach would be to talk to him like an adult with your concerns, ensure they’re using protection & he’s not leaving it up to her and not leave him a situation where he thinks he has to stay with her to prove you wrong

Cheshiresun · 16/12/2022 02:56

Hopefully it will fizzle out.

What would a woman in her 30s want with a teenager (no need to answer but I could guess).

No different if the roles were reversed.

Liorae · 16/12/2022 03:06

I also think his father or you should ask how and where they met. If they have a common interest or hobby it might explain what they see in each other despite the age gap.

Dorisbonson · 16/12/2022 03:39

It will run its course. A 31 year old women is only with an 18 year old man for a bit of fun. He isnt exactly going to be a cracking provider or amazing conversationalist at that age.

Hopefully whoever his next girlfriend is benefits from what he learns.

UnicornRidge · 16/12/2022 04:22

A close friend of my DH met a 32yo woman when he was 19yo. He did not go to uni. Did a part time degree while working full time. She was privately educated, went to uni and has a career.
We all met up when he was 20yo. It was fine. They came to our wedding. Fast forward 10+yr, they are still happily together.
It is not all predatory. They met in a gig. She did not know his age. Some 32yo woman can look like they are in their 20s. They share lots of common interest.

UnicornRidge · 16/12/2022 04:27

To OP, it would backfill if you have a word with the girl he is dating. Pretend to be open and treat it as if he is going out with a girl of his age. Friend's mum met his gf early on. She stayed over in their family home. His parents were very open about this.
Mind you, he also has a younger sister going out with a divorced man with kids much older. Comparatively, the age gap is not that big between friend and the girl. She is not divorced and has no kids.

AgentJohnson · 16/12/2022 06:21

I wouldn’t like it either but if you start acting like you know best you will only alienate him. Make sure he knows that contraception is his responsibility too and never to rely on one method (just in case he thinks a woman saying she’s on the Pill is him being responsible). The second you start expressing your opinions on this woman’s motives and or the validity of his choice, you run the risk of him tuning out any advice you give him.

I personally would invite her round for dinner, suss her out. If the many school photos that would ‘suddenly’ be visible during her visit didn’t scare her off, I would definitely play a longer game of subtlety reminding her that he’s just 18.

Men (young or old) do have a tendency to be dick led, that coupled with the ego boost of an older woman treating him like a man and not a kid will definitely make him feel very important.

Resist the urge to go full Mama Bear on both their arses.

Bepis · 16/12/2022 06:34

My brother married his wife when he was 19 and she was 29. Wasn't an issue with anyone as they were happy.

Your son is an adult, just got to let him live his life and make his own mistakes.

GelPens1 · 16/12/2022 08:23

HelsyQ · 15/12/2022 18:53

It’s really none of your business.

Mumsnet is a weird place. 16 year olds need to keep their phone tracking on so their mum knows where they are. Their older primary school dc are not allowed to play out without adult supervision. However, the day they hit 18, their mums are happy their child is a huge age gap relationship.

This is predator. The older person loves having power. The younger person will think abuse is normal. I bet this 31 year old female predator is hoping to baby trap OP’s son, just like what happened with Aaron Johnson.

I know that 18 year olds are legally adults, but they are still children really. I was very different at 21 compared to 18. I’m in my mid-20s now and very different to how I was at 21. Why? More life experience!!

GelPens1 · 16/12/2022 08:28

AgentJohnson · 16/12/2022 06:21

I wouldn’t like it either but if you start acting like you know best you will only alienate him. Make sure he knows that contraception is his responsibility too and never to rely on one method (just in case he thinks a woman saying she’s on the Pill is him being responsible). The second you start expressing your opinions on this woman’s motives and or the validity of his choice, you run the risk of him tuning out any advice you give him.

I personally would invite her round for dinner, suss her out. If the many school photos that would ‘suddenly’ be visible during her visit didn’t scare her off, I would definitely play a longer game of subtlety reminding her that he’s just 18.

Men (young or old) do have a tendency to be dick led, that coupled with the ego boost of an older woman treating him like a man and not a kid will definitely make him feel very important.

Resist the urge to go full Mama Bear on both their arses.

It’ll be funny if OP was born in the 80s. She could bring up how fun it was to be a child in the 90s, seeing as the gf was born in 1991 and was 8 years old by the end of the decade. Hopefully this will make this gf cringe and realise how inappropriate the relationship is.

LaLuz7 · 16/12/2022 08:38

I second having her over for dinner. How old are you, @Shionne?
Is she by any chance closer in age to you than to him?

HelsyQ · 16/12/2022 08:38

GelPens1 · 16/12/2022 08:23

Mumsnet is a weird place. 16 year olds need to keep their phone tracking on so their mum knows where they are. Their older primary school dc are not allowed to play out without adult supervision. However, the day they hit 18, their mums are happy their child is a huge age gap relationship.

This is predator. The older person loves having power. The younger person will think abuse is normal. I bet this 31 year old female predator is hoping to baby trap OP’s son, just like what happened with Aaron Johnson.

I know that 18 year olds are legally adults, but they are still children really. I was very different at 21 compared to 18. I’m in my mid-20s now and very different to how I was at 21. Why? More life experience!!

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Who would be happy with that? It’s gross. But as a parent you have to let go of control whether you like it or not. You’ll just push them away and cause resentment.