DS 18 in relationship with 31 year old woman

[Shionne]

I have an 18 year old DS who has been romantically linvolved with a 31 year old woman for approximately 2 months. I say involved as at this point, I am unsure what the exact situation is between them. I don't know if it's a fling or a fully-fledged relationship. As you can imagine by the fact that I'm posting about it, I'm a bit dismayed about it. I appreciate that at 18 he can see and have sex with whoever he likes, but I'm concerned about the massive difference in maturity and life experience between them. He has been to her house a couple of times. After the most recent visit, he returned home smiling from ear to ear with a spring in his step. I do not think it would take a significant leap of imagination to assume he wasn't sleeping on her couch, if you see what I mean.

My husband views the situation differently. He thinks I am overreacting and should just leave it. He thinks it's fine and there is nothing to worry about. If I was to meet this woman, I would want to know what her motivations are, does she perceive DS as her boyfriend, and whether she normally goes for much younger men. It would be a bit of a grilling. What would you do, if anything? Shall I just keep quiet and be prepared to pick up the pieces if and when it goes belly up?

When my cousin was 19 he got involved with a woman who was 31. It started off all very fun…then he quit uni and got a job (minimum wage) but she said he needed to pay his way and she wanted holidays.

It got messy and he was in a controlling relationship.

His Mum did try to intervene, especially when he quit uni but it just pushed them together more.

Thankfully around 4 years later it ended - the fallout though is long lasting. 15 years on he has a very rocky relationship with his Mum, has few friends and has never really been in a healthy relationship. He really struggles. He’s missed being a young adult and learning curve from the mistakes and growing independence. Brains aren’t fully developed till around 25.

He was groomed it was a predatory relationship- but your hands are tied as you could risk pushing them closer together.

I couldn't agree more. Its very creepy. What the hell is that woman thinking!

@Shionne Does DS have an old head in his shoulders. Is he very mature or a young 18?

I do think that could make a difference. Even so he will still be lacking in life experience and be susceptible to control from her.

I'm struggling to figure out what a 31 year old woman would want with an 18 year old boy. Just ewww

Just wrong.

As creepy as a 31 year old man targeting an 18 year old girl.

Not much you can do really beyond having a sensible chat with him and telling him that although you appreciate that at 18 he can make his own decision you are concerned about the age difference and power imbalance and that therefore you will have nothing to do with this woman.

Hopefully it will be over quickly.

She will realise that her friends and family think it is odd for her to be dating someone so young and she will move on. He will get bored of her.

As people have already mentioned let's hope she does not try to use him to get pregnant and you should definitely mention that to him in your chat.

Do you find sex eeeww?

Possibly with a teenager 🙄when you are not one yourself.

Yes. Sex with a child is ewww when there's a decade of adult life experience between you and him.

But an 18 year old man is not a child. No matter how his mummy feels about it.

A boy doesn't magically become a man the moment the clock strikes 12 on his 18th birthday. An 18 year old is not a man. Physically you can call him an adult male, but mentally and emotionally (and usually functionally) they are still very much not mature by any measure. The brain isn't even fully developed until mid 20s.

18 year olds are immature bags of raging hormones. They're vulnerable and lack life and relationship experience to keep themselves safe from predators.

Are you some kind of cougar? Why are you defending adult women's right to use teens as sex toys?

@LaLuz7 definitely agree.
A normal 31 year old woman would not be dating a teenager. A woman who has her life together especially wouldn’t be interested in a teenage boy. It’s very gross and I would say the same if it was a man sleeping with an 18 year old girl.

@LaLuz7

Agree.

This will be an unpopular opinion on here, but I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 30. We’ve been together 22 years and have three children together. We married when I was 26. A lot of people were against our relationship to start with, but the older I get, the less people notice our age gap.

Are you some kind of cougar? Why are you defending adult women's right to use teens as sex toys?
Because consensual sex between adults isn't mummy's business.

It's not just sex though. It's the emotional implications and the influence and control she can exert over him. Women can be manipulative and predatory too.

I wonder if the women saying she's a sexual predator are also the same women commenting how attractive the mostly young England football players are 🫣 Jude Bellingham for instance is 19! And the amount of sexual comments I saw from 30/40 plus year old women was shocking!

Marriage and kids don't mean the relationship is normal and healthy. They don't validate anything, because the younger person doesn't have anything to compare against and usually no clue to recognise what is and isn't normal and ok.

An American teacher is her 30s seduced a 13 year old student and went to jail for it. Got pregnant with his child. Married him after release from prison and popped more babies.

Does that make the relationship retroactively OK? Of course not. Predatory behaviour is still predatory and wrong even if the victim cooperates and even if the victim doesn't realise it.

You were groomed.

I can only speak for myself but I have never salivated over a teenager past being one myself. I'm 31 and would not touch anyone under the age of 23-25 as a very bare minimum. That to me is the real adulthood threshold.

18 year olds to me are gross kids.

That doesn't mean you act on it though!

In my 40s, I lived in a house share with a big mix of roommates.

I sauntered out to the kitchen early one morn in full pjs and full length dressing gown to make a cup of tea.

Around the corner came this young man, shirtless of all things!

We both ran back to our own rooms out of embrassment haha.

In those 20 seconds or so, I think my eyes would have fallen out of my head.
That's how visceral the reaction was to his beauty and perfection and I'm pretty much asexual these days.

Turns out the bloke was a footballer probably early 20s.

Never saw him again but if he was art, he was the most perfect sculpture ever!

Maybe the difference between women and men. Men would go to , I'd tap that as first thought.
Women may or may not think that.

@emptythelitterbox but if people are saying the reason this woman is unhinged is because she is having sexual relations with an 18 year old ( which is all op has said) which they say is still a child and that's disgusting! If these same people would also be sexually attracted to a 19 year old then aren't they also unhinged or possibly predatory?

Just because they don't act on it doesn't mean it's right. There has to be a line of consent at some age unless people are suggesting it should be 25 when the brain is fully formed. If that did happen there would still have limited life experience in comparison to someone 10 years older and although I agree there will be power issues in this case, I don't agree she's a predator or inherently wrong for being attracted to a young man who is of age. At any age a relationship can still have power inconsistencies usually money. This boy is just exploring and of-course there needs to be conversations to make sure he's making the right decisions but I don't think at 18 it's a big of a problem as some posters have made out.

@LaLuz7 but even at 23 that's an 8 year age gap for you and a mass of life experience difference and their mother could still have the same feelings as OP.

I don't necessarily think most of the general population past 25 would look at an 18 year old as a sexual partner, but I don't think it's necessarily predatory. I'm sure it can be but I'm also sure their are people who genuinely like each other with a big age gap.

It's still not mummy's business. We all get to make our own experiences, and learn from them, good or bad. Helicopter parenting an adult child does them no favors.

@GelPens1 so much wrong with your comment geez.

Comparing a 13 year old with a 17 year old is ridiculous. I was of legal age and knew what I was doing. We dated for months before it went any further. We’ve been together 22 years, half of the women on here can’t even manage a relationship to last for 22 months 💅🏼

That is your opinion and you are entitled to use it with your own children /teens. However everyone doesn't feel like that and may want to be there to try to advise on possible downfalls. You are mocking other people by the use of the word "mummy" but tbh with you I would rather be mocked like that and know I did the best for my son. Yes he may get some great sex out of it but he may also get bogged down with the issues of an older woman. I wanted my son to have his life - to go out with friends, to play sport, to travel, to aim for a good career. He often came to me for advice and I was more than happy to discuss with him.