Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS 18 in relationship with 31 year old woman

208 replies

Shionne · 15/12/2022 09:27

I have an 18 year old DS who has been romantically linvolved with a 31 year old woman for approximately 2 months. I say involved as at this point, I am unsure what the exact situation is between them. I don't know if it's a fling or a fully-fledged relationship. As you can imagine by the fact that I'm posting about it, I'm a bit dismayed about it. I appreciate that at 18 he can see and have sex with whoever he likes, but I'm concerned about the massive difference in maturity and life experience between them. He has been to her house a couple of times. After the most recent visit, he returned home smiling from ear to ear with a spring in his step. I do not think it would take a significant leap of imagination to assume he wasn't sleeping on her couch, if you see what I mean.

My husband views the situation differently. He thinks I am overreacting and should just leave it. He thinks it's fine and there is nothing to worry about. If I was to meet this woman, I would want to know what her motivations are, does she perceive DS as her boyfriend, and whether she normally goes for much younger men. It would be a bit of a grilling. What would you do, if anything? Shall I just keep quiet and be prepared to pick up the pieces if and when it goes belly up?

OP posts:
Verilyshallhebellowfourth · 17/12/2022 15:54

monsteramunch · 17/12/2022 15:00

Goodness, what an angry response.

You must realise that most people find the idea of a man of 30 who wants to kiss, date and shag a 17 year old vile. You've said yourself how many comments you've had over the years so it can hardly be news to you. Because most people hear it and think wow that's so predatory. Because it is. Well adjusted, decent 30 year old men don't want to pursue a relationship with a 17 year old. Legally a child, literally.

If you were single at 30 I don't think you'd have shagged a 17 year old. Which is why you've dodged the question by saying well I wasn't single at 30. Because you know, I'm sure, in principle that if you had been, the idea of shagging a 17 year old feels wrong.

I also don't believe you'd be happy if you had a 17 year old and they told you they were dating a 30 year old. Would you? Honestly?

And I don't have 'multiple baby daddies' and I'm in a healthy, happy, loving relationship thanks. We were both legally adults when we met and everything! 😊

It seems like you think there are two types of experiences - meet when one of you isn't technically an adult OR have multiple children by multiple men. You know there's a massive range of experiences in between those two, right?

Show quote history

🥱 tldr I’ve got better things to do. My gorgeous husband for a start 😉 enjoy the rest of your bitter life.

LaLuz7 · 17/12/2022 18:34

@Verilyshallhebellowfourth why so defensive? Lol

monsteramunch · 17/12/2022 19:06

@Verilyshallhebellowfourth

I'm not bitter, I've got a lovely partner 😊

I simply care about young people and safeguarding.

I personally believe that men in their 30s who shag 17 year olds are vile. You disagree. Horse for courses 🤷🏻‍♀️

monsteramunch · 17/12/2022 19:07

*horses (obviously!)

Santaswingman · 17/12/2022 19:09

monsteramunch · 17/12/2022 19:06

@Verilyshallhebellowfourth

I'm not bitter, I've got a lovely partner 😊

I simply care about young people and safeguarding.

I personally believe that men in their 30s who shag 17 year olds are vile. You disagree. Horse for courses 🤷🏻‍♀️

No, you don’t sound at all bitter 😂 👌

FeegleFion · 17/12/2022 19:16

OP I really feel for you. I've got a very similar tread on the go. My DD 24 is seeing a 42 yr old man. He's my age.

I just wanted to let you know that I understand completely and to offer a hand hold

category12 · 17/12/2022 19:21

Santaswingman · 17/12/2022 19:09

No, you don’t sound at all bitter 😂 👌

Show quote history

Barmy.

The pp isn't bitter to think that a big age disparity can be negative and predatory.

There's a power dynamic there, there's a discrepancy in life experience, there's a young person potentially missing out on experiences that the older partner has already had.

It might work out well for some couples, but there's plenty of people who end up feeling they were exploited by older partners as teenagers.

themanwho · 17/12/2022 19:35

Personally I find it weird and can understand you being uncomfortable with it all. But at the end of the day he‘’s old enough to join the army so this is nothing really. Just trust them to work it out. Most likely it’s just a short term thing anyhow and just a bit of fun for both of them

H112 · 18/12/2022 00:28

Very concerned his own dad doesn't care. Imagine it was a daughter?

Shes grooming him. Like Aaron Taylor Johnson.

Please step in !!

Harry12345 · 18/12/2022 01:38

Why are posters referring to mothers of teenagers as “mummy” it’s so sexist,
as wouldn’t be said if referring to daughters. The woman defending this are a worry

Iflyaway · 18/12/2022 01:53

opinion thrown at me over the years, usually from women who are single mums with multiple baby daddies

@Verilyshallhebellowfourth You just sound smug and nasty.

OP, I can't give you more advice than the excellent ones you have been getting on here.
Yes. Get his dad to have the chat with him. Ask him if he would like to become a father at this age. It might serve as a wake-up call.

Liorae · 18/12/2022 10:15

Harry12345 · 18/12/2022 01:38

Why are posters referring to mothers of teenagers as “mummy” it’s so sexist,
as wouldn’t be said if referring to daughters. The woman defending this are a worry

Because the women in question are infantilizing their adult children.

Rapunzel22 · 18/12/2022 10:25

Harry12345 · 18/12/2022 01:38

Why are posters referring to mothers of teenagers as “mummy” it’s so sexist,
as wouldn’t be said if referring to daughters. The woman defending this are a worry

because they are the ones mocking the OP and others who think like her.

Rapunzel22 · 18/12/2022 10:29

Liorae · 16/12/2022 13:37

But an 18 year old man is not a child. No matter how his mummy feels about it.

Show quote history

eg in this post

dummyd · 18/12/2022 10:42

Verilyshallhebellowfourth · 17/12/2022 14:50

I can’t say how I would’ve felt about dating a 17 year old at 30, as I was already married to the man I’m still married to. I wasn’t at school during the day, what country do you live in? Where I live we leave school at 16. I had been out of school and working full time for a year before I met him. I couldn’t really give a monkeys if you think it’s grim, we’re still together 22 years later and still in love. All our children share the same parents and same surname. Personally I find it grim that so many of you have multiple baby daddies and you’re probably on your 2nd marriage 😂 so thanks for the relationship advice but you might want to check yourself first hun 😂 😂

@Verilyshallhebellowfourth

You're really burning inside finding out what people think of you/your relationship. Also, why do you think people being remarried or having children with two people is an insult? You really should e nothing to say, plus, that's clearly not going to upset anyone who isn't in that situation? So nothing to say to them at all😂😂

LaLuz7 · 18/12/2022 11:06

Harry12345 · 18/12/2022 01:38

Why are posters referring to mothers of teenagers as “mummy” it’s so sexist,
as wouldn’t be said if referring to daughters. The woman defending this are a worry

It's probably the same women who lust over teenagers and see nothing wrong about acting on it. Immature women with no moral compass.

Harry12345 · 18/12/2022 11:26

Liorae · 18/12/2022 10:15

Because the women in question are infantilizing their adult children.

Show quote history

Have you got or had an 18 year old son? My 17 year old/nearly 18 son is still like a 15 year old in many ways, he asks me to phone the Dr, needs support and reassurance and life advice. But he’s a handsome guy who could pass for 20, the thought of a 31 year old woman with him just isn’t right wether it is legal or not. Very strange that you continue to defend her

LlynTegid · 18/12/2022 11:55

Assuming she knows he is 18, then YANBU not to like the relationship. Not sure you can do much other than pick up the pieces and talk about contraception.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 18/12/2022 12:23

So I went out last night. Met up with my best friends other half who was out with all the guys he works with. This included 3 18 year old lads. They looked like children. I am 32 and I honestly find it so hard to believe that anyone my age could have a relationship with the boys I was out with last night.

Liorae · 18/12/2022 13:05

Harry12345 · 18/12/2022 11:26

Have you got or had an 18 year old son? My 17 year old/nearly 18 son is still like a 15 year old in many ways, he asks me to phone the Dr, needs support and reassurance and life advice. But he’s a handsome guy who could pass for 20, the thought of a 31 year old woman with him just isn’t right wether it is legal or not. Very strange that you continue to defend her

Show quote history

Think about that and about infantilizing.

Harry12345 · 18/12/2022 13:11

Liorae · 18/12/2022 13:05

Think about that and about infantilizing.

Show quote history

No! You think about it! Your ignoring the fact that some teenage brains have not developed properly. Whilst it’s normal to experience relationships with people your own age, a woman in her 30s with a teenage boy is weird! You think about it! I don’t infantilise my son, I support him and his needs to develop his independent living skills. Doesn’t mean when he’s at home he’s not sitting on his computer with his room a tip asking me what’s for dinner! He’s a teenager ffs

gonutkin · 18/12/2022 13:25

I do generally think that an 18 and 31 year old together is a bit weird but I think it really depends on the maturity of the younger person in question. A male friend of ours bought his first house at 18. He then bought his second by about 22/23 and at 40 now has 4 properties that his children will have when they reach the age of moving out. He was incredibly mature for an 18 year old, I admit more than most probably are. My partner still asks me to call the doctor for him, which I saw a pp saying about her 18 year old, my partner is still quite immature in some ways and he's a lot older than 18. I couldn't think about going near an 18 year old so I do get it. But I do agree some mothers do still see their 18 year olds as children and in the eyes of the law they aren't

themanwho · 18/12/2022 16:30

All the comments here about talking to her 18 year old son about contraception 😂😂😂… if you haven’t done that already 7 years ago 🙄

18 year olds are adults. Get over it and stop judging so much.

yes it’s socially unusual, but there’s nothing perverted or strange about an adult female finding an adult male attractive.. whatever the age difference

LaLuz7 · 18/12/2022 16:55

@themanwho so by your standard, a 17 year old is still a child the day before his 18th birthday but magically turns into an adult the moment the clock strikes midnight?

A woman lusting after an 17.99 year old boy bad, but a woman lusting over an 18.01 year old boy good?

Maturity and age are two entirely different concepts.

themanwho · 18/12/2022 17:11

themanwho · 18/12/2022 16:30

All the comments here about talking to her 18 year old son about contraception 😂😂😂… if you haven’t done that already 7 years ago 🙄

18 year olds are adults. Get over it and stop judging so much.

yes it’s socially unusual, but there’s nothing perverted or strange about an adult female finding an adult male attractive.. whatever the age difference

No, from my view an 18 year has had 18 years to mature.

they’ll obviously continue to mature after they’ve turned 18 and onwards

The law draws an arbitrary line at 18