DS 18 in relationship with 31 year old woman

[Shionne]

I have an 18 year old DS who has been romantically linvolved with a 31 year old woman for approximately 2 months. I say involved as at this point, I am unsure what the exact situation is between them. I don't know if it's a fling or a fully-fledged relationship. As you can imagine by the fact that I'm posting about it, I'm a bit dismayed about it. I appreciate that at 18 he can see and have sex with whoever he likes, but I'm concerned about the massive difference in maturity and life experience between them. He has been to her house a couple of times. After the most recent visit, he returned home smiling from ear to ear with a spring in his step. I do not think it would take a significant leap of imagination to assume he wasn't sleeping on her couch, if you see what I mean.

My husband views the situation differently. He thinks I am overreacting and should just leave it. He thinks it's fine and there is nothing to worry about. If I was to meet this woman, I would want to know what her motivations are, does she perceive DS as her boyfriend, and whether she normally goes for much younger men. It would be a bit of a grilling. What would you do, if anything? Shall I just keep quiet and be prepared to pick up the pieces if and when it goes belly up?

I had a slightly smaller age gap with my DH even he was 20. We dated for 8 years, got married and had children. It does work out. 🤷‍♀️

I had a close friend who married someone 21 years her senior. Can't remember their exact ages but she was in her early 20s and he would have been in his 40s.

@Shionne by any chance does your DS look/ could pass as older than his age ? do you think she has been told he is a few years older than he is ?

Also. how did they meet ?

Very unlikely to work more likely to backfire.
Better to keep your nose out. He's an adult.

She must have very loose morals to be doing this. Please talk to your son about what a proper relationship should look like because I suspect this could be very damaging for the future when he dates someone his own age. Yes it is true some 31 year old woman are very immature. They could have more in common than you think if she is particularly young for her age. Even so she will eventually want someone more mature, I expect your son is just being used so I would prepare him for the inevitable.

I think it will blow over naturally. X

I have some recent experience with something similar.

Met a nice guy recently on a night out . Swapped numbers and have been texting . Got talking about jobs , life experience etc and turns out he is 23 ! I'm 32 and it's just made me feel weird . I had no idea he was this young. I would have put him at maybe 28.

Anyway it's became apparent quite quickly that we are on different wave lengths. His interests are what you would expect for a 23 year old . Whereas I much prefer a quieter life - been there and done all that.

I can't imagine a 31 year old will have much in common with someone at 18. The novelty will wear off some enough for them both and they will soon see sense. I would wait it out and see what happens . Like many have said, if you get too involved he might shut you off and not tell you anything. I think it will end naturally.

Interesting everyone pointing out how much more outrage there would be ifs the roles were reversed, because outrage doesn’t change the fact, even if this was the case, that 18 is two years post the legal age of consent and is the age where all adult rights kick in, so no one could “do” anything about it either.

I wouldn’t like this at all. Women can be bloody manipulative creatures can’t we. Unfortunately you can only hope it fizzles out OP and remind him to be safe. The last thing you’d want in this scenario is the pitter patter of tiny feet.

Does she know he's 18?

My parents tried to interfere and stop me seeing my bf too, so I moved out of their house and moved in with him. 22 years later I’m still here 😂 So best of luck to all of you who think you can put a stop to this relationship. The police will usher you away as they’re not doing anything illegal, and there’s literally nothing you can do. It’s your job to help them if this relationship falls apart. Then you can gloat I told you so (don’t do that. Grow tf up) and wipe their tears and help them start again. Or, you end up like my parents, buying yourself a wedding suit because their relationship is solid and they’re going nowhere. 💁🏼‍♀️

@Verilyshallhebellowfourth

Were you 18 and was he in his 30s?

My son is 19, I too would be horrified and worried - however there is nothing you can do except play the long game and be there for him.

id personally see it as someone abusing my son, but that I couldn’t let him know that I think that.

yes yes to doing everything I could to make sure he used protection so no baby!!

Id also try to discuss relationships / power imbalances, grooming etc all subtly etc of course.

good luck. I’m sure this will fizzle out and hopefully it will be a random story he shares in years to come.

I was 17 and he was 30 when we met. That was 22 years a marriage and 3 children ago. I’ve seen more of my friends and family get divorced than those who’ve stayed together, everyone said our relationship wouldn’t last and yet here we are, 22 years later, still very much in love. I couldn’t imagine ever wanting anyone else. Some people will live a whole lifetime never finding a love like ours, I feel sorry for them. Don’t worry, I’ve had every high and light opinion thrown at me over the years, usually from women who are single mums with multiple baby daddies so to each their own and all that 😂 😉

id personally see it as someone abusing my son, but that I couldn’t let hi
m know that I think that
You would view your 18 year old having sex as being abused? Get a grip

*high and mighty not high and light

A 30 year old man dating, kissing, shagging a 17 year old is incredibly grim. A 17 year old who lived at home and was probably at school in the day time while he was at work.

The fact you've stayed together doesn't mean that the relationship didn't start with an unhealthy, inappropriate and unbalanced dynamic.

I don't for a second believe that if your daughter was 17 and started dating a 30 year old man, you and your husband would assume he was a nice guy rather than assuming he was predatory.

It's basic safeguarding.

When you were 30 could you really have fancied, kissed, dated, shagged a 17 year old?!

A friend’s son got into something similar some 8 months ago. I was asked what my views were (he 19 and she 34) and said I wouldn’t be overjoyed and to stress that they should use contraception. They had met through an online game site.

They are still in a relationship but not living together. They are both at my friend’s house fairly often and have a Sunday meal meet up every three weeks. I met the girlfriend once and thought her immature. Pleasant, personable and a bit childish. I had a couple of university friends who didn’t find their feet after graduation and she reminded me of them, but over a decade older.

At 18, your son is gaining some sexual experience. The fact that the woman is 13 years older will only really matter IF she becomes pregnant. Talk to your son about contraception (even if she's on the pill or something, it's his responsibility) The woman is likely to find that she hasn't got much in common with a kid of 18, and she may finish with him when the novelty wears off - be there for him then.

When my son was 23, he got with a woman of 50! (older than me). He bought a house with her. It lasted about 8 years before he realised they had nothing in common, and he left and spent several years alone. He's happy with someone nearer his own age now.

I think I would be definitely having a chat. Particularly about life stages and she could well be hoping for babies. Not just wearing a condom but making sure he buys them. I would be equally horrified if it was a daughter with this age gap. I think try not to panic and nag but be realistic in this conversation.

I can’t say how I would’ve felt about dating a 17 year old at 30, as I was already married to the man I’m still married to. I wasn’t at school during the day, what country do you live in? Where I live we leave school at 16. I had been out of school and working full time for a year before I met him. I couldn’t really give a monkeys if you think it’s grim, we’re still together 22 years later and still in love. All our children share the same parents and same surname. Personally I find it grim that so many of you have multiple baby daddies and you’re probably on your 2nd marriage 😂 so thanks for the relationship advice but you might want to check yourself first hun 😂 😂

Goodness, what an angry response.

You must realise that most people find the idea of a man of 30 who wants to kiss, date and shag a 17 year old vile. You've said yourself how many comments you've had over the years so it can hardly be news to you. Because most people hear it and think wow that's so predatory. Because it is. Well adjusted, decent 30 year old men don't want to pursue a relationship with a 17 year old. Legally a child, literally.

If you were single at 30 I don't think you'd have shagged a 17 year old. Which is why you've dodged the question by saying well I wasn't single at 30. Because you know, I'm sure, in principle that if you had been, the idea of shagging a 17 year old feels wrong.

I also don't believe you'd be happy if you had a 17 year old and they told you they were dating a 30 year old. Would you? Honestly?

And I don't have 'multiple baby daddies' and I'm in a healthy, happy, loving relationship thanks. We were both legally adults when we met and everything! 😊

It seems like you think there are two types of experiences - meet when one of you isn't technically an adult OR have multiple children by multiple men. You know there's a massive range of experiences in between those two, right?

I don't see what the problem is. They're both adults they can do what they like.

People go on about life stages and power and control and so on, but those things are complex and can work in many different ways (or be completely irrelevant) in both directions. The only people with a business to judge them are the people in the relationship concerned.

Other people can state their personal preferences, but so what? They are just that - personal preferences. Those people aren't in the relationship so their preferences are irrelevant.

Has she got kids? That is my first thought.

exactly abused lol hardly at 18.

hes probably enjoying the fun.

Not worried about what his mummy thinks!!