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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sex pest or my fault. [Content warning: concerns sexual abuse and rape]

223 replies

Chickencuddle · 07/12/2022 21:39

Some people may remember me. Tbh I've come on here a few times to post but never have over the last year as I thought I'd just get people shouting at me.
Some might remember me.
Those who don't my husband used to cross a line. Wouldn't listen if I said no. Forced me to have sex a few times. Touched me while sleeping. Said some things I didn't like etc etc. I left (went to a WA shelter) but went back after 3 days as he said he would never do that again he was sorry he didn't realise it was wrong he thought he was persuading me etc.
I spoke to him and said I didn't want sex atm until I felt better about it. And I needed to see everything had changed and needed to feel safe etc.
I have massive issues with it and still do. I can't have sex. I've tried making myself and i just flash back to that memory as soon as I even think of sex. My husband has been very patient. Its been 2 years and he hasn't forced me or anything
I feel so embarrassed that it's been so long and I feel awful. I find it hard though because he does feel me up alot despite me telling him it doesn't help atm. 8 don't mean a hug. Like grabbing me and sometimes grabbing me really hard and not letting me go even if I'm doing something and say stop. He asks all the time when we cab have sex and makes comments all the time. Sometimes I feel like Im worrying what to say all the time as it will trigger a comment.
When the dogs humping things he will say "I'm just happy that someone's getting some action" things like that. It's like it's the only thing on his ming and it's been that way most of the time. We have had chats where I've asked him to stop and show me he loves me instead of sex for a while and maybe it will help and he does for around a week but then he goes back and I don't know what I'm asking really. Maybe am I reasonable to expect this if him or am I being awful and torturing him. I mean... I don't mean to torture him in Jyst trying to get to a point where I want to and trying to keep firm with my choice etc but I'm not there and it's been 2 years and I don't know if that's because of the constant pestering or if it's just me.

OP posts:
IfIHadAHeart · 07/12/2022 21:44

Just leave. You will never want to sleep with him again, and rightly so. He sounds awful and this is not a relationship that is making you happy.

Shouldbedoing · 07/12/2022 21:45

He's not a good man Chickencuddle with his grabbing and his nagging. Time to call it a day, I think.

Wolfiefan · 07/12/2022 21:47

He knew it was wrong.
He claimed he didn’t to get you back.
He won’t change.
Leave and this time stay away.

dolor · 07/12/2022 21:47

You should make a plan to leave.

ArseMenagerie · 07/12/2022 21:47

This is very sad to read. It doesn’t have to be like this. You could be with someone who cherishes you (and that could be yourself!) and away from this man.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2022 21:50

Op, you are married to your rapist. How could you possibly ever want sex with him again? He is vile. You need to leave him immediately, report him to the police if you so choose.

JasperJohnsPaintbrush · 07/12/2022 22:23

I remember your previous threads - and posted on them too, though under a different name, and was concerned when you stopped posting.

To answer your question, there is no doubt about it that he is a sex pest, was a sex pest throughout your previous threads, and will continue onwards through your relationship to be a sex pest.
You ARE a reasonable human being to ask him to leave you alone. He IS AN unreasonable being to keep assaulting you, because that is what it is, every time he grabs and gropes you.

If you left him you could have peace of mind. You could lock your door and know that no one can come into your home without your permission. You could walk about, sit, play with the children, bathe, read, sleep, do housework, whatever ,without him grabbing, groping, assaulting, raping you. I hate to use that word, but that is what he is, a rapist.

Give yourself and the children the best Christmas/New Year gift ever - leave. Get those plans made. You did it before, you can do it again.

I know it's hard, I did it myself some 40-ish years ago. It took me 2 goes to make it out because like you, I was swayed by his sly promises. Sly because he never intended to keep those promises, they were just empty shells.

The sheer relief I felt knowing I could lock my door and live in peace was priceless. I wish the same for you too, but only you can give it to yourself.

Chickencuddle · 07/12/2022 23:01

Is it OK for me to expect him to wait for me to be OK. What if I'm not OK what about his needs. I feel really bad. Like I'm the abusive one withholding affection is an abusive trait isn't it? I read that and thought of me not being able to have sex.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/12/2022 23:02

He’s an abuser. You shouldn’t have sex with him. You should run.

Chickencuddle · 07/12/2022 23:04

But for 2 years he's been OK. He's really tried.

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 07/12/2022 23:05

I'm not sure you'll ever want to have sex with this handsy fucker again. And that's absolutely ok. Just leave.

Natty13 · 07/12/2022 23:09

Chickencuddle · 07/12/2022 23:04

But for 2 years he's been OK. He's really tried.

"Really tried" would look like not grabbing you, not refusing to let you go, not making constant comments and making you feel loved and reassured and definitely whatever efforts lasting over a week at a time. He hasn't "really tried". He hasn't tried at all, he is waiting you out.

Mabelface · 07/12/2022 23:10

He hasn't tried. He's stopped raping you, but he's still sexually assaulting you every day. He makes your skin crawl. Do yourself the biggest favour you'll ever do and leave.

Chickencuddle · 07/12/2022 23:10

I don't really want to leave he's great with the kids we have a good life. I do still love him but I guess there is another part of me that thinks of that. But couples get through things it just takes time. He's trying.

OP posts:
RishisProudMum · 07/12/2022 23:15

When you say ‘he’s tried’, you mean he’s stopped raping you? As he’s still physically and sexually assaulting you (that is what you’re describing, by the way, regular assault).

Where are your children during all of this? I remember that he used to assault you in front of them? How are they faring in an abusive household? And is he still kicking your dog?

What will it take for you to finally leave this man?

FettleOfKish · 07/12/2022 23:15

He's not trying. He's not trying even a little bit.

Like grabbing me and sometimes grabbing me really hard and not letting me go even if I'm doing something and say stop. He asks all the time when we cab have sex and makes comments all the time. Sometimes I feel like Im worrying what to say all the time as it will trigger a comment.
When the dogs humping things he will say "I'm just happy that someone's getting some action" things like that. It's like it's the only thing on his ming and it's been that way most of the time

None of the above is 'trying'. All of the above is just one step removed from the rapist he was, down to the sex pest he still is.

It's no surprise at all that you don't want to sleep with him, no Woman in her right mind would.

OldFan · 07/12/2022 23:18

Hi @Chickencuddle I remember your threads. Sad x

Its been 2 years and he hasn't forced me or anything

He's still violently sexually assaulting you by grabbing you against your will, and trying to coerce/manipulate you into sex all the time.

I hope you do leave one day.

I don't really want to leave he's great with the kids we have a good life. I do still love him but I guess there is another part of me that thinks of that. But couples get through things it just takes time. He's trying.

The only thing he's trying to do is coerce you, and constantly molesting you. I'm Catholic and believe marriage is for life except in a few circumstances. This is one of those circumstances. I hope you realize that and leave one day. Flowers

OldFan · 07/12/2022 23:20

we have a good life

I don't think you know what a good life looks like. What you're describing is mental and physical oppression and torture.

A good life is free of that, that's for sure.

Cocopogo · 07/12/2022 23:24

I think therapy would help

Deadringer · 07/12/2022 23:33

He wants a regular sex life with you but that is never going to happen because he is a rapist and you are his victim. 2 years, 20 years, there is no amount of time that will make what he did to you ok. And he is still sexually assaulting you despite doing his best 'to be nice'.

blownoutcandle · 07/12/2022 23:36

@Chickencuddle you mentioned on a previously thread that you experienced childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse. I'm so sorry you went through that. Those early traumatic events will have really affected the way you think about yourself and perhaps on some level your husband's behaviour is what you think you deserve? This is absolutely not true. Please don't feel guilty about not wanting to have sex with a husband who has raped you previously.

ClaryFairchild · 07/12/2022 23:41

HE IS STILL FEELING YOU UP, GROPING YOU HARD, EVERYDAY.

Sorry for the caps, but this is NOT a nice man! This is NOT someone being patient! How are you supposed to heal when he is still subjecting you to trauma constantly??!!

What happened to you to make you think that you deserve to live like this?

OldFan · 07/12/2022 23:45

Coco is right that some outside input would help you @Chickencuddle because in your own mind you're going round and round in circles, you need someone from the outside to help you move forward.

That's why you've made a thread and we're all happy to help, but someone in the outside world might have more of an impact.

Maybe see your GP if you can and ask for help, or call WA again and ask about local support- do whatever you can safely do.

Opentooffers · 08/12/2022 00:34

Coping a feel and banging on about sex all the time is not trying, it's the opposite.
Most people wouldn't want to sleep with a rapist, which is what he is. You probably and hopefully, will never be able to have sex with him again. Of course your body is recoiling at his touch, and rightly so.
You've had 2 years of trying to be with him, when really, you should of spent that time planning your exit. But it's never too late to start planning to get away, so start now. Let's say you miraculously change your mind in the future, you can decide then to halt your plans, but if he takes matters into his own hands, you might have to leave unprepared, which is going to make things harder on you. You have nothing to lose by planning a safe escape in advance.
Once gone, divorce should give you at least half of assets, and freedom to be yourself.

Snugglemonkey · 08/12/2022 00:55

He is still sexually assaulting you. Obviously you cannot even think about healing, he is still doing it. He is a rapist. He has no respect for your bodily autonomy. You are his toy and your needs are less important than his. You need to get away.

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