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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex pest or my fault. [Content warning: concerns sexual abuse and rape]

223 replies

Chickencuddle · 07/12/2022 21:39

Some people may remember me. Tbh I've come on here a few times to post but never have over the last year as I thought I'd just get people shouting at me.
Some might remember me.
Those who don't my husband used to cross a line. Wouldn't listen if I said no. Forced me to have sex a few times. Touched me while sleeping. Said some things I didn't like etc etc. I left (went to a WA shelter) but went back after 3 days as he said he would never do that again he was sorry he didn't realise it was wrong he thought he was persuading me etc.
I spoke to him and said I didn't want sex atm until I felt better about it. And I needed to see everything had changed and needed to feel safe etc.
I have massive issues with it and still do. I can't have sex. I've tried making myself and i just flash back to that memory as soon as I even think of sex. My husband has been very patient. Its been 2 years and he hasn't forced me or anything
I feel so embarrassed that it's been so long and I feel awful. I find it hard though because he does feel me up alot despite me telling him it doesn't help atm. 8 don't mean a hug. Like grabbing me and sometimes grabbing me really hard and not letting me go even if I'm doing something and say stop. He asks all the time when we cab have sex and makes comments all the time. Sometimes I feel like Im worrying what to say all the time as it will trigger a comment.
When the dogs humping things he will say "I'm just happy that someone's getting some action" things like that. It's like it's the only thing on his ming and it's been that way most of the time. We have had chats where I've asked him to stop and show me he loves me instead of sex for a while and maybe it will help and he does for around a week but then he goes back and I don't know what I'm asking really. Maybe am I reasonable to expect this if him or am I being awful and torturing him. I mean... I don't mean to torture him in Jyst trying to get to a point where I want to and trying to keep firm with my choice etc but I'm not there and it's been 2 years and I don't know if that's because of the constant pestering or if it's just me.

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 11/12/2022 09:00

You would have such a beautiful relationship if he cared about how you feel and didn't rape and sexually abuse you. You can't make him change. You can't fix this relationship. There is no way this will ever be the beautiful relationship you wish for.

What would it take, practically, to go? Can you start putting plans in place, for when you are ready?

oviraptor21 · 11/12/2022 09:09

I also saw your previous thread.

OP this is grim, especially the latest incident. All the 'nice dad' in the world doesn't excuse his behaviour. And to be honest, if he's moody and grumpy in the house but turns on the charm as soon as he goes out, he's not a 'nice dad' and he knows exactly what he's doing. I wouldn't be surprised if some time soon when he thinks you're asleep he'll try to rape you again.

Please please leave him now. Leave him before he has any chance to escalate to rapist again.

category12 · 11/12/2022 09:23

In real life, you are surrounded by people drinking the same kool aid, and invested in the same script of marriage & man first.

Your friends, nice as they may be, may just think you should suck it up, because it's what they do or what they grew up with. And the status quo is quite comfortable for them. The break up of couples in a social group can be disruptive and uncomfortable.

And it's far easier to be the friend who says what they think the person wants to hear, or fudge it, than to be the one to say "marriage is shit/husband a rapist - leave", because if the person stays all the same, they may get cut out or treated differently.

As for your husband being charming in person, have you ever heard the expression "street angel, house devil"? It's not unusual for an abusive man to have an apparently lovely public facade. There wouldn't be an expression for it if it weren't so common.

80s · 11/12/2022 09:32

One said it was very flattering. The other said I should make a schedual to give him sex regularly and stick to it so he doesn't go wanting.
So you haven't told your friends the full truth? They don't know he raped you and is now groping and pushing you; they think he's just showing a healthy interest in you?
Are there any self-help groups in the area?

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 11/12/2022 09:32

He just woke up and one of the first things he said to me was "did I touch you last night?" I said yes and he said he was sleeping but vagually remembers something but didn't know if it was a dream. I said I don't believe you could do everything you did while sleeping and he said: well I was asleep.

So now I'm thinking what if he was. Somepeople do get up and make a meal while sleeping or get dressed while sleeping. Climb down stairs etc he used to sleepwalk as a child/teenager. So I feel kind of bad now that I'm villianizing him and he's probably doing it in his sleep.

OP posts:
thisisasurvivor · 11/12/2022 09:33

I remember feeling so so disgusted by his behaviour in your posts a few years ago

Please. Please run from this man

How dare he

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 11/12/2022 09:33

Actually 80s I did tell them. This was 2 years ago. I didn't use the word rape as I still find it hard to put those words to what he did and accept thats what it was. I said he forced me. I said he wouldn't take no for an answer.

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 11/12/2022 09:36

I remember your previous threads too and have wondered how you were doing.

I’m sorry you are still there and still being sexually abused.

Other people think he’s wonderful because he is acting for them. The same way he did when you first met him. He was probably lovely then. But then the real him is what you live with now. The him other people don’t ever see.

His behaviour is vile. He is vile. It’s sexual abuse pure and simple. It’s not flattering. You could be a blow up doll for all he cares. You don’t want to have sex with him because he abuses you.

please please make plans to leave. Or tell him you don’t ever want a sexual relationship with him due to the abuse and he is free to go. You won’t ever have the beautiful relationship you want with him because he just sees you as a sexual object.

70billionthnamechange · 11/12/2022 09:39

This is rank. Leave now! You are not enjoying this relationship so why waste your life on it?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 11/12/2022 09:41

Chickencuddle · 11/12/2022 09:33

Actually 80s I did tell them. This was 2 years ago. I didn't use the word rape as I still find it hard to put those words to what he did and accept thats what it was. I said he forced me. I said he wouldn't take no for an answer.

If you live in a community/area where this behaviour is accepted/prevalent, then you’re not necessarily going to get the best advice.

Many won’t be brave enough to do anything about it, and for some reason get upset when other people have the temerity to.

It’s not okay, OP. Please, please make plans to leave.

You are worth so much more.

category12 · 11/12/2022 09:41

Chickencuddle · 11/12/2022 09:32

He just woke up and one of the first things he said to me was "did I touch you last night?" I said yes and he said he was sleeping but vagually remembers something but didn't know if it was a dream. I said I don't believe you could do everything you did while sleeping and he said: well I was asleep.

So now I'm thinking what if he was. Somepeople do get up and make a meal while sleeping or get dressed while sleeping. Climb down stairs etc he used to sleepwalk as a child/teenager. So I feel kind of bad now that I'm villianizing him and he's probably doing it in his sleep.

This is gaslighting.

He knows what he did, he's relying on being able to verbally tie you up in knots, lying and telling you you can't believe your own senses & experience.

It's horseshit, OP. He was awake, he sexually assaulted you, he's now covering it up with lies & gaslighting.

And if it was genuine (it isn't) a decent man who has assaulted his partner in his sleep would be horrified and devastated. If you hurt someone, wouldn't you be?

He's not sorry. He's a liar and gaslighter.

InSummertime · 11/12/2022 09:41

It’s rape repeated and you live knowing it will happen again. Contact the police today on 999 and say you are repeatedly being sexually assaulted and raped - ask for him to be removed and non molestation order. Do not minimise this.

imagine someone doing this to your daughter

if you can’t ring that 999, walk into your local police station and make a statement.

you have lived with abuse for years and years

please get some help and support from the police and womens aid

he is a total manipulative bastard

DrMarciaFieldstone · 11/12/2022 09:44

imagine someone doing this to your daughter

He could be the someone, one day.

Limer · 11/12/2022 09:49

So I feel kind of bad now that I'm villianizing him and he's probably doing it in his sleep.

He is NOT doing it in his sleep!!!!!

Please read what all the other PPs are saying. Don't feel bad - none of this tragic situation is your fault. He is a rapist and continues to abuse you. He is NOT a good husband or a good father.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 11/12/2022 09:50

We haven't had sex in 2 years and he did sleepwalk alot as a child how do you know he isn't doing it in his sleep.

OP posts:
Limer · 11/12/2022 09:51

Sleep walking is a genuine thing. Sleep raping isn't.

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 11/12/2022 09:52

He's not. But even if he was - if my DH violently painfully sexually assaulted me in my sleep, he would be horrified, really upset, would immediately book a GP appt requesting a sleep clinic referral and would sleep on the sofa until that time. I suspect that's not what your husband's reaction has been..

BadNomad · 11/12/2022 09:54

Alright. So say he was doing it in his sleep (bullshit btw) then that's going to be a dangerous risk for when your little daughter climbs into bed with you both eh? Or can he sleep-sexual-abusers control who they assault? 🙄

DropOfffArtiste · 11/12/2022 09:57

This is his warning shot. He is testing you, whether you will leave before he rapes you again. He is checking whether you will appear to believe his bullshit excuses before he escalates again. He needs you to feel insecure and doubt your own senses.

Believe yourself. You know what he did. You have a right to sleep unmolested.

category12 · 11/12/2022 09:58

Chickencuddle · 11/12/2022 09:50

We haven't had sex in 2 years and he did sleepwalk alot as a child how do you know he isn't doing it in his sleep.

He's not a child now.

He's been assaulting and raping you while awake for years, he is just using this as a cover.

I'm not sure why you're so desperate to excuse him and disregard your own senses, but it won't solve anything.

Part of you knows and you can't crush that out completely.

beastlyslumber · 11/12/2022 10:01

Chickencuddle · 11/12/2022 09:32

He just woke up and one of the first things he said to me was "did I touch you last night?" I said yes and he said he was sleeping but vagually remembers something but didn't know if it was a dream. I said I don't believe you could do everything you did while sleeping and he said: well I was asleep.

So now I'm thinking what if he was. Somepeople do get up and make a meal while sleeping or get dressed while sleeping. Climb down stairs etc he used to sleepwalk as a child/teenager. So I feel kind of bad now that I'm villianizing him and he's probably doing it in his sleep.

This is gaslighting.

He's lying. He knows he assaulted you, knows what that makes him, and he wants to mess with your head so you can't blame him, tell on him, expose him for what he is.

What a cruel and disgusting man he is.

Please, please leave. Not only for your own sake. It's terrifying to think of your daughter being brought up in this environment.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 11/12/2022 10:12

He knows exactly what he did last night. And so do you but you don't want to believe it.

He's testing you - he's had enough of waiting so he's ramping it up now towards the main event.

He sexually assaulted you last night and you are so conditioned to it that you didn't pull away and shout and scream at him. If you genuinely thought he was asleep why didn't you try and shake him off and wake him up?
You KNOW he wasn't asleep.

He digitally raped you last night and he used the excuse that he was asleep. This means he will do this again and use this excuse again. And again. And again.

Get away from him.

BadNomad · 11/12/2022 10:14

I just looked at your other threads. This is an appalling. You were abused as a child and grew up in a toxic family, and now you're trying to find an excuse to stay in this nasty, abusive relationship, which means your poor children have to grow up around a nasty, abusive father too.

Or...you could break the cycle so your own daughters can grow up to expect better from relationships.

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 11/12/2022 10:14

BadNomad · 11/12/2022 09:54

Alright. So say he was doing it in his sleep (bullshit btw) then that's going to be a dangerous risk for when your little daughter climbs into bed with you both eh? Or can he sleep-sexual-abusers control who they assault? 🙄

Such a good point - either it's genuinely sexomnia in which case he is not in control is a risk to you and your children and should be sleeping in a different room OR it's deliberate sexual assault which is under his total control*.

*It's not this.
** It is this.

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 11/12/2022 10:16

Sorry the * totally messed up the bolding in my comment - I was saying this is NOT sexomnia, this is a man who is a violent sexual abuser.

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