Sex pest or my fault. [Content warning: concerns sexual abuse and rape]

[Chickencuddle]

Some people may remember me. Tbh I've come on here a few times to post but never have over the last year as I thought I'd just get people shouting at me.
Some might remember me.
Those who don't my husband used to cross a line. Wouldn't listen if I said no. Forced me to have sex a few times. Touched me while sleeping. Said some things I didn't like etc etc. I left (went to a WA shelter) but went back after 3 days as he said he would never do that again he was sorry he didn't realise it was wrong he thought he was persuading me etc.
I spoke to him and said I didn't want sex atm until I felt better about it. And I needed to see everything had changed and needed to feel safe etc.
I have massive issues with it and still do. I can't have sex. I've tried making myself and i just flash back to that memory as soon as I even think of sex. My husband has been very patient. Its been 2 years and he hasn't forced me or anything
I feel so embarrassed that it's been so long and I feel awful. I find it hard though because he does feel me up alot despite me telling him it doesn't help atm. 8 don't mean a hug. Like grabbing me and sometimes grabbing me really hard and not letting me go even if I'm doing something and say stop. He asks all the time when we cab have sex and makes comments all the time. Sometimes I feel like Im worrying what to say all the time as it will trigger a comment.
When the dogs humping things he will say "I'm just happy that someone's getting some action" things like that. It's like it's the only thing on his ming and it's been that way most of the time. We have had chats where I've asked him to stop and show me he loves me instead of sex for a while and maybe it will help and he does for around a week but then he goes back and I don't know what I'm asking really. Maybe am I reasonable to expect this if him or am I being awful and torturing him. I mean... I don't mean to torture him in Jyst trying to get to a point where I want to and trying to keep firm with my choice etc but I'm not there and it's been 2 years and I don't know if that's because of the constant pestering or if it's just me.

If your H rapes you in your sleep and HONESTLY didn't mean to, then he must be ok with going to the doctors with you, explaining the situation to them and getting some help.

Surely this would be a massive problem that he would want to resolve.

What decent guy would know that he rapes his wife whilst sleeping and not want to get that problem fixed??

If he's capable of doing that to you, completely unknowingly, he's capable of doing that to his daughters. He needs to get this sorted and quickly.

Alternatively, there's obviously the option that he doesn't want to go to the doctors and get this "problem" sorted because he knew exactly what he was doing.

Honestly, OP, I feel gaslighted by you now.

Your head must be completely fucking wrecked.

Get away from this man. He's raping you and abusing you. Your kids are growing up with this. You can't keep covering up for him.

He just came up to me away from kids and said sorry about last night and that he didn't wsnk before bed which is why it happened.
I said about going to doctors and he said rhe doctor would just tell him to get his end away. Or to wank more. I didn't know what the doctor would say so I didn't know what to say I said maybe they would give him therapy and he said why would he need that he just needs more sex.
8 said about doing it to the kids if they were in bed and he said that would never happen I asked why and he said part of his brain must be conscious but the other part is unconscious.
He said he would never do it to kids but if it was another woman who knows.

I said about going to doctors and he said rhe doctor would just tell him to get his end away. Or to wank more.

There isn’t really anything left to say. Talking to him isn’t going to resolve anything. He’s an abuser. You need to leave, but if you’re going to keep coming up with excuses for him, then nothing will change.

8 said about doing it to the kids if they were in bed and he said that would never happen I asked why and he said part of his brain must be conscious but the other part is unconscious

You can see this is bullshit right? He's either consciously doing it or unconsciously doing it. It can't be both. He's blatantly telling you that he is consciously molesting you. Choosing to.

A doctor wouldn't say anything of the kind.

Look up digital rape - people go to prison for it.
You were digitally raped by your husband last night. My guess is he came back to finish the job but didn't as your daughter was in bed.
His "I was asleep" story wouldn't hold up in court for a second. He was just testing the waters - seeing what he could get away with doing to you.

Because he sexually assaults and harasses you in the daytime too and because he has previously raped you both in the day and night time.

Oh OP. There's nothing more people can say to help you if you keep defending him and scrabbling around for reasons why it's somehow ok. It's not ok. He is a rapist and a sexual abuser. Anyone who is not a rape apologist, another abused woman in denial, or a rapist themselves could see this as clear as day. What he is doing is literally a crime for which he could be sentenced. Wake up.

OP you can look up the assessment and treatment for sexomnia online. You'll notice 1) masturbation or more sex are not mentioned anywhere as treatments and 2) that it's gaining frequency as a defence used by people who are in fact just sexual predators committing rape or sexual assault. So no, a doctor wouldn't say that.

How can you trust him around your kids if he "can't help it"
Surely you can see through his bullshit?

He gets worse with every update that you post and yet you still continue to excuse what he's doing.
Why would he change?

Its so hard because half of me feel so strange. So sick and sad and worried. And the other half feels bad for him. I am feeling really bad for him now. He has apologised and he said he feels really bad. He looked so sad and I feel so bad for him. I actually am starting to believe it wasn't intentional and he is feeling really bad. He even mentioned sleeping apart for a while.
Does this sound like an abusive man? Someone who is deeply sorry and feels bad etc?

Yes he is an abusive man. He has been for years and you've been brainwashed by him.

Yes it does. It sounds like someone who's getting you back on side again ready for his next attack and his next gaslighting 'apology'.

Does this sound like an abusive man? Someone who is deeply sorry and feels bad etc?

Yes it sounds like an abusive man, given his history. A particularly manipulative, nasty and mean abusive man. Judge him by his actions, not his words. Words are cheap. How many times has he apologised before, but then raped you again?

Yes. And the fact that you feel sorry for him for sexually assaulting you shows how manipulative he is. You are the victim here. Not him.

He says that every time he rapes or sexually assaults you.

Nothing anyone saying is getting through to you and yes, two women you know said he's not doing anything wrong, but literally hundreds of other people on here over the last two years have said he is a rapist and abuser, women's aid have said he is a rapist and abuser, your body is unable to forget that he is a rapist and abuser and he is by definition legally he is a rapist and abuser.

Your children are being forced to grow up in the same home as a rapist and abuser. It was bad enough that womens aid helped find space at a refuge for you and your children as they deemed their home to be completely unsafe and high risk.

Men like him don't change.

He doesn't love you.

He rapes and sexually assaults you.

Your poor, poor daughters are being taught that abusive relationships are normal, that men are in charge and that women should do as they are told.

They are being failed by both parents at this point I'm afraid. You need to get away again.

Let me put it this way OP, if your daughter came to you as an adult and said:

"My husband has raped me, sexually assaulted me, I had to go to a refuge with your grandkids to escape but he persuaded me to go back to him then he sexually harassed me and eventually sexually assaulted me again... but he says he's sorry."

What would you say to her? What would you advise her to do?

Because the longer you stay with this man, the more you are setting them up to replicate this relationship dynamic themselves. To be sexually assaulted by partners and feel responsible. To be frightened of partners and think it's normal. To expect a man to dictate the mood of the entire home by default. They are lambs to the slaughter, being primed to be victims of abuse.

And frankly, with the level of abuse he's dished out and the fact that he has previously wanted sexual contact with you in the presence of the girls, you should be doing everything in your power to leave for that reason too, and report his behaviour to the police. I wouldn't trust him for a fucking second alone with those girls.

He doesn't know he attacks you in your sleep... but does know he wouldn't attack the girls? Bullshit.

Your poor poor girls growing up in this environment.

Will you call womens aid again? You need to get out.

I don't know if I could leave. I don't even know if it's right. I know everyone concerned for the kids hut they honestly know nothing they re very happy kids. But I'm thinking I maybe need to talk to someone about it all. But not before Christmas. I just want to have a nice Christmas.

I don't know if I could leave. I don't even know if it's right. I know everyone concerned for the kids hut they honestly know nothing they re very happy kids.

This is the most worrying part of all. You're failing to protect your children because you don't even realise how serious this is. Clearly you have decided to believe him, so how do you plan to stop him sleep-molesting your daughters? Honestly, if social services heard you, they would be on you like a shot.

If you told him you need solo therapy (you should NEVER have it with him) as you're unhappy, I assume you already know that he'd say no?

That's because he knows that if you were honest with the counsellor they would tell you that you and your children are living with a rapist. And that you are failing to protect them by staying with him.

These poor girls. They're being set up for a life of abusive relationships.

Or at best, unhappy and dysfunctional ones where there's no genuine affection between them and their partners, and they never feel relaxed, and think that's all normal. Because whatever you tell kids about how they should be treated by a partner, it means nothing if what you show them is different.

A nice Christmas?

One where he doesn't grab you and pin you down and harass you for sex?
One where he doesn't shove his fingers inside you while pretending to be asleep?
One where you're not afraid to go upstairs alone with him?

Good luck with that.

You know this isn't right. Your body knows not to trust him. You are clearly and understandably terrified of him.

"nice Christmas" makes me want to cry for you and those kids. (they are not happy, they are walking on eggshells)

The man should be in prison for what he continues to do to you. I bet he wouldn't be getting sexomnia then!

Absolutely classic case of Stockholm Syndrome.

OP, you need to talk to Rape Crisis or Woman's Aid. Someone who will listen and help you unmunge your poor mixed-up head.