Sex pest or my fault. [Content warning: concerns sexual abuse and rape]

[Chickencuddle]

Some people may remember me. Tbh I've come on here a few times to post but never have over the last year as I thought I'd just get people shouting at me.
Some might remember me.
Those who don't my husband used to cross a line. Wouldn't listen if I said no. Forced me to have sex a few times. Touched me while sleeping. Said some things I didn't like etc etc. I left (went to a WA shelter) but went back after 3 days as he said he would never do that again he was sorry he didn't realise it was wrong he thought he was persuading me etc.
I spoke to him and said I didn't want sex atm until I felt better about it. And I needed to see everything had changed and needed to feel safe etc.
I have massive issues with it and still do. I can't have sex. I've tried making myself and i just flash back to that memory as soon as I even think of sex. My husband has been very patient. Its been 2 years and he hasn't forced me or anything
I feel so embarrassed that it's been so long and I feel awful. I find it hard though because he does feel me up alot despite me telling him it doesn't help atm. 8 don't mean a hug. Like grabbing me and sometimes grabbing me really hard and not letting me go even if I'm doing something and say stop. He asks all the time when we cab have sex and makes comments all the time. Sometimes I feel like Im worrying what to say all the time as it will trigger a comment.
When the dogs humping things he will say "I'm just happy that someone's getting some action" things like that. It's like it's the only thing on his ming and it's been that way most of the time. We have had chats where I've asked him to stop and show me he loves me instead of sex for a while and maybe it will help and he does for around a week but then he goes back and I don't know what I'm asking really. Maybe am I reasonable to expect this if him or am I being awful and torturing him. I mean... I don't mean to torture him in Jyst trying to get to a point where I want to and trying to keep firm with my choice etc but I'm not there and it's been 2 years and I don't know if that's because of the constant pestering or if it's just me.

Does this sound like an abusive man?

Yes. It does. Someone who rapes and abuses you is a rapist and an abuser, however sad he looks afterwards.

You are falling for his sad, sorry act because he's deliberately got you feeling confused and scared and doubting yourself. It's obvious why he does that.
After all,what option is better for him? Persuading you that he's sorry and can't help himself, so that you stay and carry on letting let him do whatever he wants to you... or admitting that he deliberately assaults and rapes you, and risking you leaving him and possibly even reporting him? Of course he acts sorry!

If he were actually sorry and it was really accidental, he'd either leave to spare you from his 'accidental' assaults, or seek immediate professional help. You know full well it's not accidental, OP. He assaults you when he is wide awake walking around the house. You've already made this clear.

I feel sick reading this thread. You are living with a man who abuses you relentlessly.

Its been 2 years and he hasn't forced me or anything

He hasn't raped you for two years but he is regularly sexually assaulting you. Decent men don't have to try really hard not to rape or sexually assault their partner.

He doesn't want affection he wants a body to ejaculate into. Denying him access to yours for that purpose is not abusive. No one owes someone use of their body.

This is neither normal or healthy. You need to leave for your own sanity.

Its been 2 years and he hasn't forced me or anything

That’s a really really really really low bar you’re setting for a relationship. My god.

My relationship is ok because for two years he hasn’t tried to rape me. Fucking hell.

You’re making endless excuses for him and minimising his behaviour and it’s utterly tragic. What on earth are you teaching your poor children about relationships?

I agree with a pp who said social services would be all over this.

Words really are starting to fail me now from your responses.

I am so so sorry that you have had so much trauma and abuse in your life. You don’t deserve it and it’s not your fault. But what you do next for your children is a clear choice. It is your job to act to protect them and right now you are failing them.

Believe me when I tell you, one day your children will tell someone. Either that or it will be noted in their presentation they something is very wrong. And when they do, you will need to answer why you haven’t protected them. I think you know full well that their dad is a rapist and abuser- how could you not?? And when you are being asked those questions, and you respond in the way you have here, someone else will take action to protect them.

I really don’t want to sound harsh, you are a victim. But you have responsibilities towards your children above all else, and you are not prioritising them. They are suffering whether you choose to believe that or not. I really don’t know what else can be said. If you don’t act then I hope to god, for the sake of your kids, that someone else does.

I really don’t want to sound harsh, you are a victim. But you have responsibilities towards your children above all else, and you are not prioritising them. They are suffering whether you choose to believe that or not. I really don’t know what else can be said. If you don’t act then I hope to god, for the sake of your kids, that someone else does.

Sorry, OP, but I agree with this. You're a victim but so are your kids. And you have to take responsibility for them and protect them.

Op, I have read most of your past threads over the last few years. The advice is always the same, to leave your husband and protect your children. I'm not sure what else there is to say here.

Please don’t assume that your children haven’t been impacted negatively by witnessing the way their father treats their mother. They may not show it yet, but they will as they get older.

My DM always thought that our childhood had been reasonably happy. That we were happy. In fact, my DSis and I were being sexually abused by our F and she had no idea this was going on. Until we told her a few years ago and she was devastated. (He passed away years ago.)

I’m not in any way suggesting your H is doing anything to your DDs. I’m simply pointing out that my DM had no idea how damaged we actually were!

It’s very naive to be so sure that your DDs are not at all damaged by your relationship.

I actually feel like things being as they are they are more protected than having to spend maybe 2 days a week with him without me there. He is only home 2 days a week anyway as works long hours but I am there then too.
I'm actually terrified of him getting access to them without me there and I have absolutely no faith in the legal system as I've been through this before as a child and it was absolutely horrendous for me then. I don't want that for my children.

So you do think he is a potential danger to them.

I'm actually terrified of him getting access to them without me there

Why's that, OP? Because you know that he's not safe and he will abuse them. You know this because he's not safe now and he does abuse them by raping and assaulting their mother. It's only going to get worse, OP.

You managed to leave before, so you know it's possible. Get in touch with women's aid or whoever helped you when you left the first time.

You're using your child as a shield in bed at nighttime, and you know that will stop your husband from any sexual touch in bed. You know something, I think your daughter does know her mother is being abused, but she doesn't have the mental understanding yet to articulate what is going on. Likewise, you did this last time and wanted your children to have a nice Christmas, and you're back here again. Children can hear though walls and pick up on what's going around them, too.
Please stop tying yourself up in knots and leave.

OP I think you need to Google Stockholm Syndrome because this is exactly what it sounds like at this point

You are tying yourself in knots trying to come up with reasons not to leave, because you are scared to leave. I get that, but not one single one of your defences, yes buts, or obstacles is a good enough reason not to leave.

I'm out. We are all bamging out heads against a brick wall here. I really hope you do leave, before he does anything even worse.

I can understand your fear at him having access to your daughters if you leave him, but I don't give much for your chances of being to protect them living together. They hear things, they'll pick up on atmosphere, and as they get more aware, they will understand more of what's going on.

And worse, if he's happy to sexually assault you when they're in the same car, house or if you go upstairs, you know that he would take the same opportunities with them if he so chooses, relying on their terrified silence and gaslighting to get away with it. Just like he does with you.

If he works away most of the time, he's not going to have opportunity to have them, is he? And if you leave successfully, he might be one of those men who loses interest in you all. You might be able to put in place supervised visitation instead, if you go to a refuge and have the domestic abuse etc on record.

No two friends I spoke to about it didn't blink. One said it was very flattering. The other said I should make a schedual to give him sex regularly and stick to it so he doesn't go wanting. I live in a very Catholic area and think this could contribute to the way people think I've noticed alot of people think pleasing the man and being there for your man is so important even if he treats you like shit.

I'm Catholic OP and with what he's doing he's going straight to hell?

Are you Catholic at all yourself @Chickencuddle ? If you see a Priest and tell them what's going on, even they should tell you to leave. We don't have to stay with abusive men.

Your husband is vile. He sounds like Fred West wanting constant sex. with kids likely fully aware of what is happening. It probably makes him more into the abuse. he is sick.

Your daughter came into bed to protect you from him.

We haven't had sex in 2 years and he did sleepwalk alot as a child how do you know he isn't doing it in his sleep.

Because this is what he does when he's awake. He just did it for longer when you were on the verge of sleep/asleep, because you were a captive audience so he could.

And abusers are always persuasive/apologising/fake tearful when they feel they have to be to keep you reeled in. It's the Cycle of Abuse.

Take him up on him sleeping separately.

PP's are right that if he can do it to you he could do it to the kids too- he's proven he doesn't believe in consent being important.

This is crap. Not once have you said you're staying with him because you're trying to protect your children. This is just more excuses.

If you're genuinely worried about him having access to them, then bloody report him to the police and to social services yourself. Let them know what kind of environment you feel you are being forced to raise your children in. Because as it stands, you are just hiding his abuse because you don't want to have to deal with it. That makes you complicit in anything that happens to your children.

Unfortunately the poster was targeted by this man as she was an abused child, she would have passed the tests he set for her long before the rapes started so he knew he could always manipulate her.

Your children will have no idea or understanding of a healthy relationship and are at high risk of falling in to the the hands of sexual abusers themselves if you remain with their Father.

The only reason he is not still raping you is that your child is in the bed.
I am worried about him harming you and your children as this man will do anything to have his sexual needs fulfilled. If I knew who you were I'd report you for your own and the children's sake. Please leave

Put your ass in gear

Contact women's aid

Tell them all

Keep a paper trail

How awful

He raped you, now he pesters you (this is called sexual assult fyi) and you think there's something wrong with you for not wanting sex? What would you say if this were your daughter or mum? I hope you find strength to leave soon op

Oh Chicken, I remember your old threads.

Do you know why you are still posting?

You know by now the answers you will get from these threads.

You can't be posting in hope someone will tell you it's all fine, you should stay with him, that's how things work in a healthy marriage - because that's what your friends have already told you. And that didn't make you feel any better, did it?

Are you posting because the voice inside you knows this is all wrong, and you need a safe place to figure out the thoughts in your head? Posters here are telling you the same things the voice inside your head are telling you, does that feel comforting somehow?

The thing is, posting threads on MN can only get you so far. Maybe think less about leaving, and more trying to understand the voice in your head - can you go back to the contact you had at Women's Aid, and talk through this with her again? Keep posting in the meantime, this is a safe space to help figure out those thoughts. But you need to do a bit more now, to move forward.

Who is it, do you think, that you need to give you permission to leave? Are your feelings and your children's wellbeing not enough?

I don't know why I keep posting I guess I first posted to see if it was me as I was doubting myself alot and feeling like I was being silly and that I should just force myself. But now my heads just a mess again and I can't even 0ut into words everything I'm feeling atm. So I'm really sorry I just don't know what to say.
8 have noone I guess talking on here helps me feel a little less crazy