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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex pest or my fault. [Content warning: concerns sexual abuse and rape]

223 replies

Chickencuddle · 07/12/2022 21:39

Some people may remember me. Tbh I've come on here a few times to post but never have over the last year as I thought I'd just get people shouting at me.
Some might remember me.
Those who don't my husband used to cross a line. Wouldn't listen if I said no. Forced me to have sex a few times. Touched me while sleeping. Said some things I didn't like etc etc. I left (went to a WA shelter) but went back after 3 days as he said he would never do that again he was sorry he didn't realise it was wrong he thought he was persuading me etc.
I spoke to him and said I didn't want sex atm until I felt better about it. And I needed to see everything had changed and needed to feel safe etc.
I have massive issues with it and still do. I can't have sex. I've tried making myself and i just flash back to that memory as soon as I even think of sex. My husband has been very patient. Its been 2 years and he hasn't forced me or anything
I feel so embarrassed that it's been so long and I feel awful. I find it hard though because he does feel me up alot despite me telling him it doesn't help atm. 8 don't mean a hug. Like grabbing me and sometimes grabbing me really hard and not letting me go even if I'm doing something and say stop. He asks all the time when we cab have sex and makes comments all the time. Sometimes I feel like Im worrying what to say all the time as it will trigger a comment.
When the dogs humping things he will say "I'm just happy that someone's getting some action" things like that. It's like it's the only thing on his ming and it's been that way most of the time. We have had chats where I've asked him to stop and show me he loves me instead of sex for a while and maybe it will help and he does for around a week but then he goes back and I don't know what I'm asking really. Maybe am I reasonable to expect this if him or am I being awful and torturing him. I mean... I don't mean to torture him in Jyst trying to get to a point where I want to and trying to keep firm with my choice etc but I'm not there and it's been 2 years and I don't know if that's because of the constant pestering or if it's just me.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 12/12/2022 12:44

I think taking it back to basics may help with clarity. Do you acknowledge the following things are true:

That he is still a rapist, even if he hasn't raped you recently?

That him grabbing you when you say no, groping you and pushing you down on the bed is sexual assault?

That he is not safe to be alone with the girls (as you've said this would be a concern if you split) alone?

That you would tell your daughters to leave their partners if they are in your situation as adults?

What are your answers to the above? I think it may help you to take a minute, breathe, read those questions and answer them completely honestly.

Bestcatmum · 12/12/2022 12:51

He is disgusting and a head fuck. I would go as far away as possible from him and never go back. This relationship is not going to work out.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 12/12/2022 12:57

You say your head is a mess again but what is confusing you?

You have been repeatedly sexually assaulted.

If you stay with him you will continue to be repeatedly sexually assaulted.

And deny it all you like, but your daughters are at risk of being sexually assaulted.

Why are you staying with him?

Screenburn · 12/12/2022 13:38

Oh sweetheart. You’re not crazy, you’ve just been made to feel crazy by his horrible behaviour.

I remember your old thread and often think of you, hoping you’re doing ok. Keep talking on here for as long as you need. We are all rooting for you and hope you can escape to safety soon - and that is what you and your lovely DC need, to escape to safety.

Cavagirl · 12/12/2022 13:47

Chickencuddle · 12/12/2022 12:37

I don't know why I keep posting I guess I first posted to see if it was me as I was doubting myself alot and feeling like I was being silly and that I should just force myself. But now my heads just a mess again and I can't even 0ut into words everything I'm feeling atm. So I'm really sorry I just don't know what to say.
8 have noone I guess talking on here helps me feel a little less crazy

Please don't apologise for posting. The fact that you keep coming back here means it must somehow be helping. Post as much as you like!

When you say posting on here helps you feel a bit less crazy, why is that?

picklemewalnuts · 12/12/2022 14:04

Oh dear. I'm lost for words. Flowers

Where are you, Chicken, is it UK?

I'm afraid some people are really invested in the status quo. They want everything to be ok because it's easier. That's why your 'friends' weren't horrified.

Truth is, it's horrific. You know that. I don't know what to say to help you.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 12/12/2022 14:49

Well i feel slightly crazy becausey husband seems to think that it wasn't that bad or that I should be over it by now and I should want him grabbing me and him doing things like that is showing he lives me and I don't show him because I don't want sex.
I feel like I'm being dramatic and that I'm too sensitive etc eyc
It's very hard to put into words and he makes me feel like it's me that's the problem and even as I write this I still feel that way but another part of me is thinking perkapse it is him in the wrong.
I really don't know.
I'm northern ireland... So yes UK.

OP posts:
DrMarciaFieldstone · 12/12/2022 14:51

I had a feeling you were going to say NI.

It’s NOT okay. And if anyone else you know puts up with it, that doesn’t mean you should. They are being abused too.

beastlyslumber · 12/12/2022 14:52

You feel slightly crazy because your husband is gaslighting you. It's part of the pattern of his abuse.

He's a very dangerous man. Please get your kids and yourself away and safe.

Cavagirl · 12/12/2022 15:09

So OP, you have your husband who does these things to you telling you how you should feel, and that how you actually feel is wrong.

You've got your feelings, which are telling you that you don't like him doing these things to you.

You've got hundreds of people on your MN threads telling you that your feelings are completely valid, and what you feel is perfectly reasonable.

You've had Women's Aid tell you that how he behaves is so bad they got you into a refuge.

You've tied yourself in knots trying to make yourself feel differently, and feel how he says you should feel, but you just can't do it.

Doesn't this all suggest the only sensible conclusion is that he's in the wrong? And how he behaves is actually very bad?

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 12/12/2022 15:22

Yes yes yes, what he does is very bad.

Both people wanting sex (which is what he's banging on about) is what happens when both people feel safe and happy and respected.

One person pressuring the other to have sex regardless of the fact they are traumatised (like any person would be by what has happened) and have been pressured daily to forget about all that from the beginning, is not love and will actively prevent the first thing from being possible.

He is pointing at one but doing the other and then accusing you of being the problem!!

He is wrecking your mind with this twisting of the truth. If you don't get away you will be a shell of a human forever.

You are struggling to see this because you've had 3 DAYS of space away from he who is abusive.
He might even believe on some sick level what he is saying to you, but he's wrong and it will destroy you... because the only way to move forward with him is to eventually cave to his pressure... But we all know that's not healing is it, though it might kinda look like a fixed situation to him, it's not... it's just you, damaged though you are, caving to pressure and agreeing it's all better now.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 12/12/2022 15:58

Cavagirl · 12/12/2022 15:09

So OP, you have your husband who does these things to you telling you how you should feel, and that how you actually feel is wrong.

You've got your feelings, which are telling you that you don't like him doing these things to you.

You've got hundreds of people on your MN threads telling you that your feelings are completely valid, and what you feel is perfectly reasonable.

You've had Women's Aid tell you that how he behaves is so bad they got you into a refuge.

You've tied yourself in knots trying to make yourself feel differently, and feel how he says you should feel, but you just can't do it.

Doesn't this all suggest the only sensible conclusion is that he's in the wrong? And how he behaves is actually very bad?

Absolutely this

OP I wonder why you refuse to see and believe this.

After everything that's happened and everyone unanimously screaming at you that this IS ABUSE, why do you refuse to believe it?

gaf · 12/12/2022 16:41

You know. You can chose to stay and live this life. Your children can’t.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 12/12/2022 17:33

I don't know. I read this and then spent the last hour making dinner and cleaning up etc and the while time asking myself this question. Because I can imagine if it was a friend and what my answer would be. I can imagine if it was my daughter and how I would feel and react but when it comes to me the best way I can describe it is a mental block. Or a little bit numb.
Today going about my day I felt numb. It was always in the back of my mind. I couldn't talk to people like I normally do and just went into myself a bit. I mean I did talk to people but just couldn't keep conversation going like normal

OP posts:
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 12/12/2022 17:44

When you live with your abuser under the guise of husband who claims to love you (but whose behaviour is toxic so it would actually be better if he didn't 'love' you) you can't think clearly, because your thinking has been twisted round and round, and you have not been able to think one clear thought on this topic without his challenging and criticising it in years.
In a way it will take an leap of faith to act on this because until his mind control has fallen away through you gaining some freedom from him you won't see it the way it is so obvious to everyone else.

Can you get yourself some space from him. Just to get some fresh air in? Do you have someone you could go to visit for a few days?

Cavagirl · 12/12/2022 17:51

Chickencuddle · 12/12/2022 17:33

I don't know. I read this and then spent the last hour making dinner and cleaning up etc and the while time asking myself this question. Because I can imagine if it was a friend and what my answer would be. I can imagine if it was my daughter and how I would feel and react but when it comes to me the best way I can describe it is a mental block. Or a little bit numb.
Today going about my day I felt numb. It was always in the back of my mind. I couldn't talk to people like I normally do and just went into myself a bit. I mean I did talk to people but just couldn't keep conversation going like normal

So, if it was a friend or your daughter, what would your answer be?

Can you write it here?

picklemewalnuts · 12/12/2022 18:07

Chickencuddle · 12/12/2022 14:49

Well i feel slightly crazy becausey husband seems to think that it wasn't that bad or that I should be over it by now and I should want him grabbing me and him doing things like that is showing he lives me and I don't show him because I don't want sex.
I feel like I'm being dramatic and that I'm too sensitive etc eyc
It's very hard to put into words and he makes me feel like it's me that's the problem and even as I write this I still feel that way but another part of me is thinking perkapse it is him in the wrong.
I really don't know.
I'm northern ireland... So yes UK.

We really do understand. We're just trying to help you find a bit of clarity.

You can be safe. You don't have to sort it out immediately. You do need to make plans. You and your DC are not safe.

Ring women's aid. Get counselling. Do something- almost anything- to start the process. Thing is, it's hard. It takes many women several attempts. So get started!

MisterNorrell · 12/12/2022 18:10

Chickencuddle · 12/12/2022 17:33

I don't know. I read this and then spent the last hour making dinner and cleaning up etc and the while time asking myself this question. Because I can imagine if it was a friend and what my answer would be. I can imagine if it was my daughter and how I would feel and react but when it comes to me the best way I can describe it is a mental block. Or a little bit numb.
Today going about my day I felt numb. It was always in the back of my mind. I couldn't talk to people like I normally do and just went into myself a bit. I mean I did talk to people but just couldn't keep conversation going like normal

You know that if your adult daughter had her husband doing this to her, you wouldn't feel conflicted over whether he was in the wrong. If you found out that your mother had stayed to be sexually assaulted by your father because she wanted to keep the family together, you wouldn't think it was the right decision.

WhatTheHellIsAQuasar · 12/12/2022 20:35

What’s it going to take to put your children first? Honestly what is he going to have to do that would be bad enough for you to leave? You’re using your DD as a shield in your bed to stop him from assaulting you. If you can’t protect yourself what makes you think you can protect your DDs from his abuse in any of its forms?

Fairislefandango · 12/12/2022 20:43

So I guess the rsal question is... why is it clear to you what you'd advise an adult daughter or a friend if her husband were raping and sexually assaulting her, and yet you can't recognise that truth in your own situation?

It's because you've got your husband constantly feeding you lies and manipulative ideas. That raping you and assaulting you shows he loves you. That there's something wrong with you, not him, if you don't let him do whatever he wants to you.

If your adult daughter or friend told you that's what her husband said about assaulting her, you wouldn't say 'Oh well that's ok then. You should just let him.' would you?

YankeeDad · 13/12/2022 18:14

@Chickencuddle

If you do not want sex, it is because even if your husband has not actually raped you again, he is still repeatedly behaving in an obnoxious, rapey manner by repeatedly assaulting you,. Incidentally , in addition to being dickish behaviour, that is probably also illegal.

It sounds as though your sense of normalcy has gotten warped by his unhealthy behaviour, so let me also say that if I were to aggressively grab my wife in the way it sounds like he is grabbing you, I would be lucky to get away with a very stern telling off, and if I did it just once more time, she would probably kick me in the balls so hard they would come up out of my throat. And I think she would not be wrong to do that under those circumstances. And this is with absolutely no history of assault or violence between us, in either direction. It would just be so far over the line as to be totally unacceptable. Being married does not give either of us rights to use each others bodies. Anything physical that we share has to be freely given to one another.

[Post edited by MNHQ at poster's request]

OldFan · 13/12/2022 18:26

repeatedly assaulting you,. Incidentally , in addition to being dickish behaviour, that is probably also illegal.

Of course it's illegal- assault is illegal.

thisisasurvivor · 13/12/2022 18:27

Fck him

Time to get out please

And trust me a good solicitor will help you ensure he's not left on his own with the kids

Please stay strong pls

I know it is so so hard

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