Sex pest or my fault. [Content warning: concerns sexual abuse and rape]

[Chickencuddle]

Some people may remember me. Tbh I've come on here a few times to post but never have over the last year as I thought I'd just get people shouting at me.
Some might remember me.
Those who don't my husband used to cross a line. Wouldn't listen if I said no. Forced me to have sex a few times. Touched me while sleeping. Said some things I didn't like etc etc. I left (went to a WA shelter) but went back after 3 days as he said he would never do that again he was sorry he didn't realise it was wrong he thought he was persuading me etc.
I spoke to him and said I didn't want sex atm until I felt better about it. And I needed to see everything had changed and needed to feel safe etc.
I have massive issues with it and still do. I can't have sex. I've tried making myself and i just flash back to that memory as soon as I even think of sex. My husband has been very patient. Its been 2 years and he hasn't forced me or anything
I feel so embarrassed that it's been so long and I feel awful. I find it hard though because he does feel me up alot despite me telling him it doesn't help atm. 8 don't mean a hug. Like grabbing me and sometimes grabbing me really hard and not letting me go even if I'm doing something and say stop. He asks all the time when we cab have sex and makes comments all the time. Sometimes I feel like Im worrying what to say all the time as it will trigger a comment.
When the dogs humping things he will say "I'm just happy that someone's getting some action" things like that. It's like it's the only thing on his ming and it's been that way most of the time. We have had chats where I've asked him to stop and show me he loves me instead of sex for a while and maybe it will help and he does for around a week but then he goes back and I don't know what I'm asking really. Maybe am I reasonable to expect this if him or am I being awful and torturing him. I mean... I don't mean to torture him in Jyst trying to get to a point where I want to and trying to keep firm with my choice etc but I'm not there and it's been 2 years and I don't know if that's because of the constant pestering or if it's just me.

I'm not saying we'll done for not forcing me for 2 years I'm saying if this was another thread of not having sex with a man for 2 years there would be so much sympathy for the husband

But that's in a different situation. There's a very good reason you don't want to have sex with him, as PP have said your body is scared of him because it knows what he's capable of.

I remember your other posts and I hoped the fact we hadn't heard from you for a while meant you had got away from him.I'm always struck when you post by how much of his abuse you blame on yourself. You aren't the one doing this, he is. This man is destroying you and giving your children a warped view of what a relationship is. I know it's so much easier said than done but you need to get away from him. He's not going to change because he doesn't think he needs to, he's just wearing you down with comments and grabbing until you give in with no care for what you want or need.

There is a HUGE different between 'withholding' sex (ie doing it strategically / as a punishment / as a control thing or power play) and NOT WANTING to have sex.

If you don't want to have sex, then you 100% shouldn't have sex. And it's completely understandable why you wouldn't want to have sex with a man who has raped you and sexually assualted you.

He lied to you (saying he knew it was wrong) to get you to take him back. Once he had you back, he reverted to his ways. OK he isn't raping you anymore (no medals for that), but he is still a sex pest, still touching you when you don't want him to, still having digs and going on at you about wanting sex.

The truth is, you shouldn't have gone back to him. Even if he had never pestered you again, how could you get around the fact that he had raped and abused you? Surely you could never find him attractive again? You know he isn't a good person.

But in any case, he's reverted to type, immediately gone back on his word and started pestering you and trying to guilt-trip you in to sex.

Don't ever have sex with someone when you don't want it.
Don't feel guilty for not having sex you don't want.
Don't stay with someone who touches you when you don't want it.
Don't stay with someone who lied to get you back.

If he wants a relationship with regular sex, then he needs to realise what a proper grown up relationship is like, and treat the other person with respect and not like a piece of meat that's there for his use and enjoyment. He spoiled what chances you had of such a relationship - he is responsible for the breakdown of your marriage and his current lack of sex.

Please don't stay with this man. You don't treat someone you love like he treats you.

In answer to your thread title - rape and sexual assault can never, ever be the fault of the victim, regardless of the circumstances. It seems you think your husband somehow has the right to have sex with you and touch you whether you want him to or not. He doesn't.

Up until the point when he chose to abuse you, he did have the right to suggest couples counselling, or to end the relationship if he wasn't happy with the physical side of your relationship. But he didn't do that - he chose to rape and assault you repeatedly. Nothing can change that. He will always be the man who chose to do that.

He's a rapist. Of course you don't want to have sex with him. He is continuing to sexually assault you. Please leave.

My husband has been very patient. Its been 2 years and he hasn't forced me or anything

So he has been patient and loving, without any expectation of sex? He's been in therapy to deal with his sexual abuse of you in the past? He's working with you in a respectful way to get to a point where you might one day be able to trust him enough to be intimate again? Because that's what he should have been doing.

he does feel me up alot despite me telling him it doesn't help atm. 8 don't mean a hug. Like grabbing me and sometimes grabbing me really hard and not letting me go even if I'm doing something and say stop. He asks all the time when we cab have sex and makes comments all the time. Sometimes I feel like Im worrying what to say all the time as it will trigger a comment.

None of this is 'patient' OP. It's certainly not loving, respectful, or kind. It's not acknowledging his responsibility. It's just continuing to abuse you, stopping short of rape.

I'm sorry, OP, but I don't think the pressure and coercion will stop. He will keep on until you give in.

The only thing you can do is leave.

Re your earlier comment:
"I don't really want to leave he's great with the kids we have a good life".

Denial is indeed a powerful force. HE has a good life at your expense, you do not have a good life.

Staying for the sake of the children, well whose sake are you staying for really?. Theirs or more likely your own because it is somehow "easier"?. It has not been easier for you to stay with him either because you are still being groped by him. He has not changed at all since you did leave him the last time.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is NO model to be showing them, both of you are giving these young people the blueprint for their own adult relationships here.

I can hear how crazy I sound and at the same time believe that I'm being unreasonable and cruel and that he is amazing and I'm not and I'm so lucky to have him and there's so many reasons behind my thinking and so many I can't go into it all and I feel like the two sides of my brain are fighting and I also feel like if I go that's it and no going back and what if its the wrong decision and what if he has the kids loads and he has the family support and good job and I don't and what if I'm fazed out and I never see my children and then they actually do grow up just like him or with expectations of a man like him.
Believe it or not I'm very strong in voicing my opinion and making sure the kids know about consent and women's rights and how people should treat you etc. It's just harder when it comes to me.
I feel like I do definitely need therapy but it's time and money that I don't have and childcare while I go.
So many thoughts I cant get them all 9ut but I know that I can't do anything yet. Its Christmas etc.
Also none of this happens around the kids 8 made it very clear if he ever did that again then he would be out. But that's another thing... I sometimes need something from up stair s but avoid going as he is up there and kids are downstairs and I know he will take the opportunity to grope me or push me on the bed or say something sexual and I feel uncomfortable. I think what annoys me is we have spoken about it so many times over the last few years and every time it's the same and we agree he will be loving without the sex for now and see if I can get past it. He knows this and he can't have forgotten.
We never spend time just us two together but a few weeks ago my Inlaws took the kids. First time in years we were out together and the whole time he just kept trying to get me to have sex. I was disspointed. I thought it would be a good opportunity to show me how he cared. But I talked to him and made conversation and didn't get it back.

So you can't go upstairs in your own home because he will sexually assault you.

This is so awful OP. It's no way to live.

I think for now you are just going to have to make a plan to leave and see it through even if you do doubt yourself. You will feel more confident and less anxious the longer you're away from him.

Everything aside from how you're trying to justify his actions because I have been in your exact position and I know mentally exactly what you're going through for survival, but please take his ongoing actions as a clear as day sign that he will never ever change. The only two choices you have to make is deal with it and live out a life of misery under the thumb of this "man" (trash) or you can choose to leave, live the life you deserve and be a great role model for your children. They don't need to see things first hand to learn their own patterns and behaviours. I get that leaving is hard and my own process of leaving is incredibly drawn out and slow but start opening up to people to feel safe to talk to, get people on your team (not in a narky way but so that you have somewhere safe to go if ever needed) and make your exit plan.

Jesus Christ. You are scared to go upstairs in your own house for fear of being assaulted by your husband.

This is who he is, OP. He has shown you over and over again who/what he is. There is always going to be a reason why it's difficult or inconvenient to leave him. Are you really considering leaving, or are you deep down actually intending to put up with potentially decades of this abusive prick?

You're not lucky to have him. 😔
Maybe some of the trappings of your life are comfortable.
This won't improve, he is taking the second chance you've given him and trampling on it every day. How do you fancy 10, 20, 30 more years of this? The guy didn't even want a conversation with you on your rare time alone together.
When your life is behind you this sham of a relationship is what you'll be looking back on.
I pity your children growing up in this fucked up dynamic.

we have spoken about it so many times over the last few years and every time it's the same and we agree he will be loving without the sex for now and see if I can get past it. He knows this and he can't have forgotten.

Your conversations are pointless and get you nowhere because he goes straight back to sexually assaulting you.

No amount of telling your children about feminism, consent and how women should be treated is going to outweigh what you are actually showing them in this relationship.

Aw op ❤️

I feel like I do definitely need therapy but it's time and money that I don't have and childcare while I go.

I know it's still money @Chickencuddle but if you ever have an hour when you know he's not going to be around, almost all therapists now will do sessions via video call as well as in the flesh. I found it was pretty much just as good, but so much more convenient as you don't have to go anywhere. It tends to be cheaper, too.

I remember you @Chickencuddle

He is awful

You must leave

Please value yourself

believe that I'm being unreasonable and cruel and that he is amazing and I'm not and I'm so lucky to have him
This is how it feels when someone regularly treats you like shit. Someone upthread mentioned your childhood? If you've been treated like shit as a child, then you'll think this man is confirming what you already know. When he calls you horrible or rapes/gropes you like a worthless object, you relive the awful, secret childhood fear and guilt about being worthless, and it is so paralysing that you can't look at the situation rationally and see that you are not the one in the wrong. A therapist would help you look at it properly.

if I go that's it and no going back and what if its the wrong decision
What if staying is the wrong decision?

believe that I'm being unreasonable and cruel and that he is amazing and I'm not and I'm so lucky to have him

I'm guessing something in your upbringing has led to you being able to believe that a rapist and sexual abuser is an amazing man that you're lucky to have. But you're an adult now. If you think logically about that view, surely you can see that it's not true? If you have a daughter, how would you feel about her future partner treating her this way? What do you think you'd advise her to do in your situation? Stay with her rapist because he's amazing and because men deserve sex when they want, regardless of how they treat their partners?

Now is the time

Get out as quick as you can

Your poor kids

What an example to set them

You don't feel comfortable being alone with your husband, this is not normal. But it is completely expected in your circumstances. As a pp said, you are living with your rapist, of course you don't want to have sex with him. I'm quite certain that it's not that you will never want to have sex again, but not with him, and that is perfectly okay. He hasn't changed really, he is still assaulting you. Please please leave him, you will never get over this until you are away from him.

Your reality as you have come to believe it isn't accurate.
You're living in a construction of reality that he has given you but he is your abuser and he does not have your interests at heart and he demonstrates it every day.
You can't trust his words (he twists your thoughts with his words) but his actions are clear, despite your protests he continues with what he does.
Clear evidence he has only his wishes in mind.
The truth is that
No one, not even a cockroach, deserves to live in fear
You are not lucky to have him
You could have peace and safety if you weren't with him
Your wishes are fair and valid
You have innate worth and are a human worthy of care and tender affection
If you left things would change, there would be good and bad changes but the biggest most important change would be good.
In time more good changes could follow because you will have opened the door of opportunity.
He is very bad for you

You need therapy and you need to leave. Good luck and be kind to yourself.

And the fact that you have kids makes your leaving all the more urgent. I hope you have family and friends to support you through this.

Have you spoken to women's aid?

Have you spoken to the police?

You are afraid to go upstairs in your own home.
You are afraid to be alone with your husband.
You are using your children as human shields (I don't blame you, but you shouldn't need to).

This has to change, OP. It gets harder, the longer you are subjected to it.

I remember all your other posts chicken. It’s so sad that you are wasting away your life with this monster. He is an abuser and a rapist. Every day you stay is a day you are damaging your self and your children.

I'm saying if this was another thread of not having sex with a man for 2 years there would be so much sympathy for the husband

That may be the case but context is everything. Look at what you’ve written. You went to a WA shelter because he was abusing you. This isn’t your typical ‘DH wants to have sex but I don’t want too thread.’ I agree with all comments and think you need to make a plan to leave. This isn’t a good man