Sex pest or my fault. [Content warning: concerns sexual abuse and rape]

[Chickencuddle]

Some people may remember me. Tbh I've come on here a few times to post but never have over the last year as I thought I'd just get people shouting at me.
Some might remember me.
Those who don't my husband used to cross a line. Wouldn't listen if I said no. Forced me to have sex a few times. Touched me while sleeping. Said some things I didn't like etc etc. I left (went to a WA shelter) but went back after 3 days as he said he would never do that again he was sorry he didn't realise it was wrong he thought he was persuading me etc.
I spoke to him and said I didn't want sex atm until I felt better about it. And I needed to see everything had changed and needed to feel safe etc.
I have massive issues with it and still do. I can't have sex. I've tried making myself and i just flash back to that memory as soon as I even think of sex. My husband has been very patient. Its been 2 years and he hasn't forced me or anything
I feel so embarrassed that it's been so long and I feel awful. I find it hard though because he does feel me up alot despite me telling him it doesn't help atm. 8 don't mean a hug. Like grabbing me and sometimes grabbing me really hard and not letting me go even if I'm doing something and say stop. He asks all the time when we cab have sex and makes comments all the time. Sometimes I feel like Im worrying what to say all the time as it will trigger a comment.
When the dogs humping things he will say "I'm just happy that someone's getting some action" things like that. It's like it's the only thing on his ming and it's been that way most of the time. We have had chats where I've asked him to stop and show me he loves me instead of sex for a while and maybe it will help and he does for around a week but then he goes back and I don't know what I'm asking really. Maybe am I reasonable to expect this if him or am I being awful and torturing him. I mean... I don't mean to torture him in Jyst trying to get to a point where I want to and trying to keep firm with my choice etc but I'm not there and it's been 2 years and I don't know if that's because of the constant pestering or if it's just me.

This behaviour you describe would make a decent man (who are not unicorns, do exist and aren't rare) recoil with disgust.

But it is his 'really trying'

Oh op. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If you have a daughter I really really hope she doesn't follow this this example. And pray pray pray your son doesn't do this to some other poor future woman who is currently a happy innocent child playing with plasticine and finding joy in sticks. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I'm saying if this was another thread of not having sex with a man for 2 years there would be so much sympathy for the husband and I bet alot of people wouldnt believe he's still with me.

OP, I don't want to be harsh. You're right, the above might apply in another scenario, but NOT where the man who hasn't had sex for 2 years is a rapist.

As PPs have said, if not for you, leave for your children. This is so, so far away from modelling healthy, loving and consensual relationships for their future.

When people say that a wife 'should' want sex with their husband they mean that a joyous mutual union of two equally autonomous people who really like each other would normally result in sex being desired by both. The 'should' bit refers to the fact that the marriage should be in good condition, as if it isn't either party its likely to withdraw from sex.

Which is why if sex goes off the menu most couples response to that would be for both of them to consider if the foundations on which a happy sex life is built are being cared for (respect, communication, connection of the mind, support etc). Often they find that life has got in the way and they have slipped into taking each other for granted a bit so make more time for the little things and then the desire for sex naturally follows.

The fact that you're 'd'h interpreted the 'a wife should want sex with her husband' to mean he could come at you whenever and however he wants and that is 'legit' tells you he doesn't see it in a healthy way. Marriage to him is like buying a new car so he can put the keys in the ignition and taking it for a run round the block whenever he fancies.

He pushed you to your limit and has now retreated back from that edge just far enough to keep you, but his beliefs haven't changed and he is impatient to see the results of this minor adjustment to his approach.

Thinking of your children in this environment, while he might be good with them, he's also teaching them some awful lessons about relationships.

When they see his behaviour towards you, it's normalising unwanted touching/ groping / sexual behaviour to them.

It's teaching them consent doesn't matter.

This has impact on their boundaries. If you have daughters, they might in turn tolerate being hurt or touched unwillingly. (Your sons too).

If you have boys, they may repeat their father's model towards women in their lives in future. They could end up in jail, frankly.

Staying isn't doing them any favours.

To survive a lifetime of this marriage you will have to come to fully accept that you have a duty to open your legs whether you're feeling desire or not. That your desire is a physical function and not a burning wish from deep within you (you only get that when you actually truly want it). Accept that his expression of lust and you being the object of his lust is the closest you will ever come to being truly cared for as a person in your own right, and that his belief your sexual function can be expected without him showing you any real respect that your boundaries are valid and normal (they are) is fair.

Some women do this and they often become very bitter and if they get a dil who sees things differently they often clash.

The hard part is that no choice in front of you is easy, the place where you are is less dramatic, just a continuation of what has become normal for you. While leaving is Bigger. One eventually brings peace of mind and one eventually brings you to heel.

It makes me so sad that you see the fact he hasn’t raped you for 2 years as some sort of achievement. Of course you don’t want sex with him, I’m amazed you can even look at him
If he was genuinely sorry he would never touch you without your consent again and even if that were the case I’m not sure it’s possible to get past what he did.

Also I don't think it's helpful for you to think about what strangers said to a completely different scenario to yours. This is not a normal relationship, he raped you and assaulted you multiple times. Your reasons for withholding sex are totally different so the comparison with other marriages is irrelevant to your situation.
I feel like you are finding excuses to normalise a very unnormal dynamic. Your relationship is a mess, I'm sorry but it is.

Sorry OP. But you'll never want to have sex with him again. Because he's your rapist.

I'd leave now or it's just prolonging the agony. He's not even making serious effort to help, understand and make amends (if that could be done).

Instead your rapist is moaning at you, making sly digs and assaulting you by grabbing you.

Don't feel bad for not wanting sex with your rapist.

And yes I'd also recommend therapy (individual therapy)

'I am annoyed that he won't just be loving and show me that without the sex but I feel like most men are wired differently. '

Wrong. Every man I've been with knows how to show love without sex. Your husband is a weirdo

OP I’ve asked MN to add a trigger warning to your thread, he raped you, he is still sexually assaulting. That’s the cold hard truth. He should be in prison, he is a rapist.
what you’re feeling about not being able to relax or have sex with him is because you are traumatised.
I can’t say this enough; he is a rapist.
Why do you think this is ok for you or your children?

He's not being patient. He's sexually abusing you. He's still doing whatever he wants to you. You must leave and this time for good.

No one here is going to see him as anything other than the rapist he is. Not a husband. Not a good father. No one should have any other advice other than you need to leave him.

When I was young and rather foolish I was really loved up and head over heels with my bf, I fancied the pants off him and couldn't put him down. I was young and pretty.
One evening over pillow talk I said something like 'even if I'm fast asleep, if you feel sexy I'm available, it will be a nice way to wake up'. 🙄
His reaction was to look at me like I was mad and replied 'but I don't want you unconscious I want you to desire me back!'
I immediately realised what a daft thing that had been to say.
He's now my dh, but not a magical creature just a normal bloke (trust me, really really normal).

You have come to see things through your husband eyes as this awful stuff you are describing is normalised. Anyone subjected to what you have been would be struggling to see what every single reply here has been saying (we're all horrified).
The trouble is what your husband considers normal and you are struggling to see past is very very damaging to you.

The hard part is that you are now so removed from access to your own clear vision (free from the conditioning you been put through) that you are now trying to weigh up who is right between his world view and we Internet strangers. This is tough because your head is buzzing with hard to argue against messages from him, while your stomach (the one you can really trust out of us all) knows the message here is right.

But no path forward is easy so great energy is needed to make change. That energy has to come from hitting rock bottom or from the revelation of realising his offering is truly the slow road to a ghastly lifetime of being his toy. I hope you get there op.
Just know that if silly young me had fallen into the hands of someone like him I could be easily have been you. Anyone can be taken far far from where they started in terms of what is acceptable if the right clever arsehole gets their claws in. You're not faulty but you need to escape, your gut knows it even if he's in your head and your head doesn't yet.

But the point is that you struggle with sex because of trauma - you're not withholding affection out of a desire to manipulate him.

In a healthy relationship we should consider our partner's wishes - and this should be balanced on both sides. Respect, consideration and give-and-take equally from both. But we all have bottom lines, needs and desires that are non-negotiable: there are some things we must have and some things we absolutely cannot accept. Whether or not these align with our partner's is the core of compatibility. Right or wrong does not really come into it.

You need him to be gentle, respectful and patient. He can either comply or decide that doesn't work for him and leave. That's his call.

It is not abusive or in any other way a bad thing to withhold sex from a rapist.
It's very sad that your experience in life means you would remotely consider that a possibility.

He's not trying because he's still abusing your boundaries! You've told him not to grope you but he still does and sometimes to the point that it's bordering on violent grabbing. Not on!!!
He hasn't changed one little bit. He's just not raping you. For now.

They don’t ‘get through’ one of them being a rapist
you don’t want to have sex with him because he is a rapist who continues to sexually assault you.

he knows he raped you. Even if you believe he didn’t mean to, now he knows he did do it. Rather than being mortified, rather than being devastated that the person he loves felt she had to leave and go to a refuge because she was being raped by him, he continues to grab her and guilt her and be manipulative.

he isn’t good with the kids, would you like
to know your mother had stayed in a relationship where she was raped and sexually assaulted, for you benefit? I wouldn’t

He’s a rapist, he raped you and now you’re trying to force yourself to want to have sex with your rapist. It is HIS fault you are traumatised, and he is still not respecting your boundaries.

You need to leave this man, he’s going to destroy you. X

If/when you finally cave and have sex with him, do you think he will be in awe at the privelage and the honour of being trusted enough to being worthy of intimacy with you, as he should be, will he marvel at how far you've come from the trauma of his rapes and astonished that together you both managed to rebuild the trust to such a level (with your rapist 😱🤮)
Or will he be more like 'about bloody time too, can't believe you kept me hanging on so long, you're lucky I've stuck around' as he wipes his cock off.

I know which one my money is on.

It's quite normal to not want to have sex with your rapist OP

I'm saying if this was another thread of not having sex with a man for 2 years there would be so much sympathy for the husband and I bet alot of people wouldnt believe he's still with me.

Not if the reason for the lack of sex was that he had repeatedly raped and sexually assaulted her.

I was (under a previous username) a very active participant on your previous threads.

Your rapist is not a good husband and father. He is not a good man.

He has conditioned you to think he is and your expectations are completely different to healthy ones due to his abuse of you and also your past.

I think of you quite regularly and have a couple of times wanted to post on previous threads to ask how you are and if we can help you, but didn't want to resurrect them in case people didn't realise they were old and only answered your first post.

Your situation is that bad. It's so bad that I remember the details, your username and regularly wonder how you're doing.

He used to sexually assault you in the same room as your children. He raped you repeatedly. Women's Aid recognised how bad the abuse was and organised somewhere safe for you to stay.

Every day spent with your rapist is another day your daughters are being damaged. They are not part of a happy family. You cannot relax around him because your body is quite rightly terrified of him.

You haven't had sex for two years and seem to think he's been ever so gracious for accepting that. But during that time he has continued to sexually harass you, frequent unwanted touching, grabbing you really hard and hurting you even when you say stop, making constant comments that upset you.

I haven't said this in all the time you've posted on here as I know it's hard to hear, and I feel bad saying it, but as someone who has been trying to help on every thread you've made... every day you stay with this man is another day you're failing your daughters.

If that isn't enough to leave him, I don't know what will be.

You cannot 'fix' this relationship. You can only continue to exist within it as a frightened, unhappy and anxious person. This is no life. You'd hate this life for your daughters.

Their father is a rapist.

Well said @monsteramunch facing the truth is scary, but every day sticking with this is a day lost to rebuilding a new life free from constant pressure to service this man's sexual appetite (against every fibre of your being).

Yes. This! He was overtly sexual in front of the kids and their friends in your car if I remember correctly? After you got out of hospital? Disgusting horrible man. And kept telling you the kids didn’t really understand so it was ok.

well the kids are older now and he’s still grabbing your body in an aggressive overtly sexual manner. They must see this going on, even though you probably think they don’t. And your horrible husband doesn’t care if they see or are aware. THIS IS NOT NORMAL! Whether he is getting sex is irrelevant.

You think your rapist has 'really tried' because he's (probably temporarily) downgraded from rape to sexual assault? How can you possibly think that?! He is an abuser. He'd still be an abuser if he'd never raped you and had only ever gone as far as doing what he's still doing now.

He knows how you feel, he knows why you left, he knows what he's doing is wrong, but his urges are more important to him than you are, so he doesn't care and just does it anway. However good he is at playing happy families on the surface, he is a sexual abuser.