Sex pest or my fault. [Content warning: concerns sexual abuse and rape]

[Chickencuddle]

Some people may remember me. Tbh I've come on here a few times to post but never have over the last year as I thought I'd just get people shouting at me.
Some might remember me.
Those who don't my husband used to cross a line. Wouldn't listen if I said no. Forced me to have sex a few times. Touched me while sleeping. Said some things I didn't like etc etc. I left (went to a WA shelter) but went back after 3 days as he said he would never do that again he was sorry he didn't realise it was wrong he thought he was persuading me etc.
I spoke to him and said I didn't want sex atm until I felt better about it. And I needed to see everything had changed and needed to feel safe etc.
I have massive issues with it and still do. I can't have sex. I've tried making myself and i just flash back to that memory as soon as I even think of sex. My husband has been very patient. Its been 2 years and he hasn't forced me or anything
I feel so embarrassed that it's been so long and I feel awful. I find it hard though because he does feel me up alot despite me telling him it doesn't help atm. 8 don't mean a hug. Like grabbing me and sometimes grabbing me really hard and not letting me go even if I'm doing something and say stop. He asks all the time when we cab have sex and makes comments all the time. Sometimes I feel like Im worrying what to say all the time as it will trigger a comment.
When the dogs humping things he will say "I'm just happy that someone's getting some action" things like that. It's like it's the only thing on his ming and it's been that way most of the time. We have had chats where I've asked him to stop and show me he loves me instead of sex for a while and maybe it will help and he does for around a week but then he goes back and I don't know what I'm asking really. Maybe am I reasonable to expect this if him or am I being awful and torturing him. I mean... I don't mean to torture him in Jyst trying to get to a point where I want to and trying to keep firm with my choice etc but I'm not there and it's been 2 years and I don't know if that's because of the constant pestering or if it's just me.

He's really tried not to be a rapist?

Shall we give him a medal for that, or will a round of applause be enough?

OP he's raped you on many occasions. He should be in jail! Your husband is a rapist - of course you wouldn't want to have sex with him!

Let's not give him a single ounch of credit for not raping you for two years. It's not him being patient- its him not being a rapist!

I feel like you need to get some therapy to come to terms with what he's done to you. I don't mean for this message to be harsh towards you, you must be completely traumatised.

Honestly you need to get as far away from this man as possible. Report his crimes so it's on record.

None of this is your fault - none of it!

I think the sooner you however are honest with yourself about your situation and what's happened to you the better. Xxx

And yet, here you are.

He will never change.

You deserve much better.

You've been in this abusive relationship for years and yet you still try to convince yourself it's a good relationship and you're happy. The cognitive dissonance must be killing your mental health. One day I hope you manage to leave.

I remember your posts.

I'm so sad for you that he managed to suck you back in.

You're not getting the chance to heal and he's not mentally changed in the slightest.

He's still awful. You're still innocent.

Leave the creepy abusive bastard. You managed it once, you can do it again.

I'm not saying we'll done for not forcing me for 2 years I'm saying if this was another thread of not having sex with a man for 2 years there would be so much sympathy for the husband and I bet alot of people wouldnt believe he's still with me. Hasn't strayed. Has taken on board what I said and accepted it was wrong and isn't doing it anymore despite feeling it wasn't wrong to begin with as I'm his wife and he was persuading me and I should want him etc. I understand that sex is a huge part of a relationship and I think he is just getting fed up that it's taking so long.
I am annoyed that he won't just be loving and show me that without the sex but I feel like most men are wired differently.
Lots of Women need love and affection to feel safe and want sex and men need sex in order to feel that connection and show love etc?
Mayve
?
I feel like almost holding back all the time I would like to hug him etc but every little thing I do even a hug or a peck is taken as a sign that we should have sex. So I hold back a bit more now and then he doesn't hug me or just say nice things or anything without it having to lead to sex if he starts I know it's because he wants something.

He didn't think marital rape was wrong? Please leave him.

I could have written this myself. I've come to accept that they honestly just don't change. He raped me and coerced me into sex multiple times, wore me down so I just went along with it because dealing with his stroppy moods if he didn't get any was just as bad. I said enough is enough and he was "sorry" but occasionally would wake me in the night with his gross sweaty wandering hands, it'd always make me feel physically ill. He's said he wants to work on things but I have evidence that he has been paying for escorts and had the audacity to tell me he was going to "see a therapist" but then made up some shady excuse that she cancelled on him and I found out he went and hired an escort in that time instead.
Dealing with this crap until I have my ducks in a row and can get the heck out of here. I think you should too. I'd have to have complete amnesia to EVER want to touch or be touched by this man again.

You need to leave, neither of you is happy and you also aren't suited to each other. Why have you stayed? Is it for the security and home that comes with being married?

He hasn't changed or really tried. He may no longer be raping you, but he's still sexually assaulting you all the live long day.

Of course you don't want sex with someone who gropes you, is rough with you physically, won't let you go. That's not sexy.

Of course you don't want sex with someone who has raped you previously.

Please reconsider staying and get back in touch with domestic abuse services.

You’re tying yourself up in knots trying to present yourself as the abusive one.

You are not abusing him by denying him sex. You are protecting yourself. Every part of your body and mind is screaming at you to keep him away. You have experienced trauma and you need time and space to heal. Therapy too.

He can still be “great with the kids” if you are living separately.

Give yourself the biggest Christmas present ever and prepare to leave him. Please don’t let this be your life forever. You deserve peace.

If you didn’t want sex for no reason, there might be sympathy.

If you came here saying you husband was a good man, pulled his weight at home, treated you fantastically and you just didn’t want sex for no reason and just expected him to be ok with it, there would be sympathy.

Thats not your situation. He raped you. That’s why you don’t want sex. And now he is sexually assaulting you. He isn’t a good man because he only sexually assaults you and doesn’t rape you anymore. That’s why there’s no sympathy for him.

You need to leave him. I suspect, that when you say people ‘shout at you here’ in actual fact they were telling you that you needed to leave asap. And that you continued to feel sorry for him and justify what he did. Leaving isn’t easy. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.

Why are you with him? Really? What are the actual reasons you can’t leave? People can help you work through that.

Oh love, I really hoped you'd got away from this man, he won't ever change because he doesn't want to, he's still being lewd and groping and pressurising even though he knows you can't bear it.
He has traumatised you with his behaviour over the years and it's not right that you are living your life on high alert, unable to relax in your own home. Your needs matter, your need for peace, to be able to breathe, to go to bed without waiting for the pressure to come. I feel suffocated just reading your posts.

I really hope you can source some good counciling to help you unpick why you tolerate this life and hopefully to help you gather the strength to separate your life from his.

Oh dear god. I can't believe you went back to him. But now...

Please stop making excuses for him and actually read and learn from the many accurate and insightful posts on here.

If you can't leave this abusive rapist for your own sake, do it for the kids. You owe it to them to keep them safe and protected from this evil man. Staying in this ridiculous excuse for a relationship is going to harm them immensely.

All this constant touching you don’t want is sexual assault; you’re married to someone who feels entitled to your body whenever he wants it and it’s not ok. I hope you can find some counselling to leave

Is he still sexually assaulting you in front of the kids? In the same bed as them?

he’s a monster and he’s not going to change

Your body is way ahead of your brain. Your body is protecting itself whilst your brain is protecting him. You really should try therapy to allow your brain to catch up and keep you and the children safe.

One thing that really worries me: do you have a daughter and is she safe from his extreme entitlement to satisfying himself?

Also, rape and sex are two entirely different acts. Your husband is a rapist. He doesn't do sex.

The thing is that people rarely are nasty in every area of life, because he/you can point to him "being good with the kids' or whatever thing/quality he has which isn't dreadful and is maybe even quite all right he can't be a bad husband/person... But this is not true. He can be a rapist or a sex pest and not be awful in other areas (though I'd question whether traumatising their mum like this and making a home where sexual assault is normal is good for the kids)
Everything you describe is making my stomach churn and I'm not traumatised from rape being a routine part of my life.

How can you ever heal when you have only had 3 days respite from him subjecting you to unwanted and unpleasant attention - an existence where having a say over what happens to your body in any given moment is some fantasy land that you've lacked for so long you're not even sure it exists.

All the voices you are hearing here are from ladies who live in this amazing world where their wishes are respected not only without complaint, but by someone who considers this normal, it isn't a massive effort... and they could hug, watch a wildlife documentary or talk about their child's sex education that day without it being something to needle you with or guaranteed to escalate to more/having to fend him off.

Your body is afraid of your husband. That he will sexually assault you or rape you, both of which happened all the time in the past.

Imagine for a second he isn't your husband, just a man. You would not expect to ever feel safe around a man that raped and sexually assaulted you in the past. Even if they from then on were 100% pleasant and good. You definitely would continue to feel entirely unsafe if they continued to sexually assault you and make sexual comments everyday. This is what is happening in your marriage.

Feeling sexually attracted to someone is based on feeling safe - we can't feel that way when we are in fight or flight "threat" mode. Because of the above, your body is still in that mode. So I don't think it's reasonable to ever expect you to want to have sex with him or be intimate with him again.

I understand how difficult this is for you as you seem to want to stay with him despite the way he behaves.

In my opinion you need to have an honest conversation with him and explain to him that you may never want sex with him again. He needs to stop pestering you and you both need to decide whether you can move forward in a completely sexless marriage.

Although I think what he is doing is dreadful and don't want to downplay that side of it, it really is awful, I think maybe you are giving him some hope that there may be sex at sometime in the future. You are saying that after two years he is getting impatient. If you want to stay with him, without sex, you need to be 100% clear to him and he needs to accept the marriage is sexless otherwise you should go your separate ways.

You are quite entitled to change your mind in the future, but I doubt you will given the way he has treated you in the past. I really think you need to separate.

I think you are both toxic for each other, him more so but you two are so dysfunctional. He can still be a 'great dad' when you are separated.
You're staying for comfort and convenience, withholding sex feels like you have control back and punishing him. Truth is, nothing can erase the rape and crossed boundaries. I don't think you two can ever come back from that and have a normal sex life ever again together. You need to separate. This is a very destructive, controlling type of codependent attachment going on here. And I don't believe the children aren't affected because bedroom issues show in little and big ways outside of the bedroom in tittle tattle, bickering, passive aggressive, just a horrid atmosphere. Staying is convenient for you right now but isn't healthy.

Ah sweetie. Breaks my heart to hear how he is still controlling you and manipulating you.

This isn't your fault. He's not a sad hard done by man.

He's a man who wants to use your body, and isn't bothered how you feel about it. At the moment he's treating you like a malfunctioning appliance. You are doing most of the job of wife, and he's trying to get the sex function working again. You aren't an appliance. Sex isn't a function you are supposed to fulfill.

You are a woman who has the right to relax and feel safe in her home, without be groped, hurt, and subjected to sexual innuendo all the time. Are your kids seeing and hearing any of this?

Please wake up- you are so close. Don't feel bad about going back, or needing a while. You've been trained into compliance and you are doing well to resist. Just resist a bit harder still and get away from him.

The thing is though, even on those threads you mention where the husbands aren't rapists but want sex and the OP doesn't, the consensus is often 'no one is wrong you are just incompatible, you should break up as you're both unhappy'.

He sounds horrible and I can't believe that you would ever want to sleep with him again. But even if he wasn't the advice would likely be the same - leave him. Just imagine the peace of living without that constant pressure.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to relax?

You will never ever be able to relax while you are with him.
You will need to be hyper vigilant about: what you say,
how you move (can you pick something up off the floor without him grabbing your bum?)
What's on telly
What the pets are doing
Etc etc on and on and on and on and on...

Can you even eat a banana in front of him without comments?

What will he be like when the kids get their first gf/bf what advice will he give them.

You might 'enjoy the life you have' but your mental health and sense of self is being destroyed, your instinctive reaction to all this is spot on but you don't even feel sure of that anymore (what would 14 year old you think of this. If he's done this stuff on your first date would you still be here - he has slowly dismantled your sense of normal) ... Its quite the price to pay isn't it.

You haven't wanted sex with him for two years. There's a very good reason for that. He's still trying to guilt/manipulate/coerce you into it though so I'm totally missing the bit where he's 'really trying'.

It's really grim OP but I'm not sure you'll ever see it because you don't want to.

Of course we remember you Chicken, and our hearts go out to you. Sending wishes for a happier New Year.