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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sex pest or my fault. [Content warning: concerns sexual abuse and rape]

223 replies

Chickencuddle · 07/12/2022 21:39

Some people may remember me. Tbh I've come on here a few times to post but never have over the last year as I thought I'd just get people shouting at me.
Some might remember me.
Those who don't my husband used to cross a line. Wouldn't listen if I said no. Forced me to have sex a few times. Touched me while sleeping. Said some things I didn't like etc etc. I left (went to a WA shelter) but went back after 3 days as he said he would never do that again he was sorry he didn't realise it was wrong he thought he was persuading me etc.
I spoke to him and said I didn't want sex atm until I felt better about it. And I needed to see everything had changed and needed to feel safe etc.
I have massive issues with it and still do. I can't have sex. I've tried making myself and i just flash back to that memory as soon as I even think of sex. My husband has been very patient. Its been 2 years and he hasn't forced me or anything
I feel so embarrassed that it's been so long and I feel awful. I find it hard though because he does feel me up alot despite me telling him it doesn't help atm. 8 don't mean a hug. Like grabbing me and sometimes grabbing me really hard and not letting me go even if I'm doing something and say stop. He asks all the time when we cab have sex and makes comments all the time. Sometimes I feel like Im worrying what to say all the time as it will trigger a comment.
When the dogs humping things he will say "I'm just happy that someone's getting some action" things like that. It's like it's the only thing on his ming and it's been that way most of the time. We have had chats where I've asked him to stop and show me he loves me instead of sex for a while and maybe it will help and he does for around a week but then he goes back and I don't know what I'm asking really. Maybe am I reasonable to expect this if him or am I being awful and torturing him. I mean... I don't mean to torture him in Jyst trying to get to a point where I want to and trying to keep firm with my choice etc but I'm not there and it's been 2 years and I don't know if that's because of the constant pestering or if it's just me.

OP posts:
America12 · 09/12/2022 15:36

Chickencuddle · 07/12/2022 23:04

But for 2 years he's been OK. He's really tried.

He hasn't though - he keeps on about it , grabs you etc. He's not ok about it , hate to say it , I've read some of your other threads, but what about when he feels he's waited long enough ? He's either going to force you or have an affair.

Haffiana · 09/12/2022 16:01

I think you need to ask yourself:

What would cause a woman to be so desperate to make a relationship work with the man who raped her?

What makes a woman so desperate to have the man who raped her, show her he really loves her by him not raping her again? Or even by not pestering her for sex?

Would you want your daughter to spend her life staying put in a relationship with the man who raped her, trying to get him to prove he loves her really?

thisisasurvivor · 09/12/2022 18:32

Haffiana · 09/12/2022 16:01

I think you need to ask yourself:

What would cause a woman to be so desperate to make a relationship work with the man who raped her?

What makes a woman so desperate to have the man who raped her, show her he really loves her by him not raping her again? Or even by not pestering her for sex?

Would you want your daughter to spend her life staying put in a relationship with the man who raped her, trying to get him to prove he loves her really?

Good points

@Chickencuddle I have full sympathy

It took me 25 attempts and then I escaped

It was so hard

You must not put up with this

Get him out???

iswintercoming · 09/12/2022 19:13

OP your post makes me feel physically sick - because he has done such a number on you that you’ve actually convinced yourself that this is somehow your own fault.

Your husband raped and sexually assaulted you multiple times.

You found the strength to leave him.

He convinced you to go back - promising he would change. (Outrageous!)

He now freely gropes and coerces you to have sex on a daily basis. You have normalised this behaviour to the point that YOU feel guilty for not ‘giving in’ to his relentless demands and his regime of pestering.

You are now self gaslighting and in huge denial - convincing yourself you’re the problem.

The ONLY problem is the vile rapist in your home.

Your body is screaming no, all day, every day because your body knows how wrong this whole situation is.

You need to leave. Forever.

TheTartfulLodger · 09/12/2022 21:16

This reply has been deleted

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monsteramunch · 09/12/2022 21:31

@TheTartfulLodger

He was in control of sex before and now you are in control of it.

It's so disgusting to frame this as if there's any similarity between the two.

He was regularly raping her before and now she is 'only' being sexually harassed and manhandled.

Yeah, what power she has over the poor guy.

Jesus Christ.

OP unfortunately this posters comments will feed into your fear that this is somehow your fault as much as his.

It isn't.

You aren't withholding sex as a means of control. You're not having sex with him because your body is terrified of your rapist.

He is an abuser and manipulator. You are his victim, you are not abusive or manipulative.

thisisasurvivor · 09/12/2022 21:32

Very well said @monsteramunch

Op I remember your posts from some time ago and I felt so afraid for you

You do not need to put up with this

You really don't

Yellowswan · 10/12/2022 10:13

@Chickencuddle I remember your previous threads and often wonder how you are doing- and sadly that’s a marker of just how awful this situation is. I don’t know what else I could say that hasn’t already been said. I think it is worth noting that you’ve had so many replies (and likely to get loads more) and every single person is saying the same thing.

Like others, I worry about your children. It’s not good enough to say ‘he doesn’t do it in front of them’ or whatever, that’s just not good enough. I can promise you that if you continue to live like this they will be damaged, likelihood is they are already. They will grow up to have all manner of relationship issues, blurred boundaries and attachment difficulties.

You are a victim of this awful man, and that is in no way you’re fault. But there has to come a point where you make a decision to protect your children. They live in an abusive home and they need to get out. I don’t want to sound harsh and I know your choices are not easy, but this can’t continue for your children.

You’ve done it once, you need to find the strength to do it again. I think another poster made this point earlier, the last thing your children will do when they are older is thank you for staying. The thought that their mum continued to be sexually abused in their own home by their own father, in the name of keeping the family together is going to be a terribly heavy burden for them to bear.

I really wish you all the very best, you need to take action x

Chickencuddle · 10/12/2022 19:47

Thanks for all advice. 8 feel like I've been exaggerating as since I've posted this he has been nothing but lovely and I feel like maybe it wasn't happening as much it just felt like it at the time. I'm processing everything. My head just feels scrambled. So sorry I can't say much more now. I'm not ignoring I'm just processing.

OP posts:
category12 · 10/12/2022 20:06

Does he spy on your internet use?

SuperFly123 · 10/12/2022 20:07

category12 · 10/12/2022 20:06

Does he spy on your internet use?

My thoughts exactly

monsteramunch · 10/12/2022 20:18

You worry now he hasn't done it 'as much' as you have said? Aside from the fact he has repeatedly raped you in the past, him doing the following ONCE is too much. Let alone multiple times.

Like grabbing me and sometimes grabbing me really hard and not letting me go even if I'm doing something and say stop.

I sometimes need something from up stair s but avoid going as he is up there and kids are downstairs and I know he will take the opportunity to grope me or push me on the bed or say something sexual and I feel uncomfortable.

Your daughters are currently living with their mother's rapist and abuser. The fact he's their dad doesn't make that any less true.

He isn't lovely. He's just stopped raping you for now and is sexually assaulting you less often.

These poor girls growing up seeing their mum being so unhappy. You won't be fooling them the way you think you are.

You deserve more than this half life and so do they. What would you tell them to do in this situation as adults? Do that.

Fairislefandango · 10/12/2022 20:26

So it's ok to rape and sexually assault your wife as long as you're not doing it as often as you used to, and as long as you act 'lovely' to her in between? Is that what you're telling yourself, OP,?

beatsin8s · 10/12/2022 20:42

Oh OP you need to leave him. If he can grope you, push you on the bed he could spend that time giving you a cuddle and a peck on the cheek like you have tried with him.

You can call free help lines such as Rape Crisis if you are unable to have counselling right now. He may not have done it the past 2 years but he did it, and continues to sexually assault you. I know it is difficult for you to hear when he acts 'lovely' at other times but these are the facts and it is absolutely not normal behaviour (and this comes from someone who has been in physically abusive relationships, neither did to me what you are describing although both rape/sexual assault have happened to me outside of relationships).

Your children will learn that it's ok because you blame yourself. If you have sons they'll think it's their right and if you have daughters they'll think they have ti submit to a man's sexual needs. Just because it's upstairs, do you not realise children pick up on these things?

I feel so, so sorry that you feel this way. If you don't want to do this for yourself, do it for your children.

DeliberatelyObtuse · 10/12/2022 21:41

category12 · 10/12/2022 20:06

Does he spy on your internet use?

I thought this

thisisasurvivor · 10/12/2022 21:53

Please listen to the wise people on here
Please please

You and the innocent kids deserve so much more xxxxxxx

Mydogmylife · 10/12/2022 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Please read the full thread re the physical abuse still being carried out on the op on a daily basis , and then gave a quick look at previous threads where his previous behaviour including marital rape is detailed .OP you must leave to protect your children as well as yourself

Chickencuddle · 11/12/2022 07:43

I almost didnt want to add this as I knew it would cause comments and I maybe u didn't want to face it or think about it. But it happened again last night and I'm really annoyed. Annoyed that he just doesn't care how I feel and that we could have such a beautiful relationship if he did and I can't even express what I'm thinking inside and it sounds stupid so I'll just get on with it.
I went to sleep before him last night but he was in bed next to me on his phone. I don't think it was long after I woke to him touching me down below. I was half asleep and mumbled for him to stop and I wanted to sleep but he kept going and I tried turning over and facing the other way and he just forced his hands in from behind and it wasn't just soft touching. I won't go into detail but he couldn't have don't that in his sleep I don't think. It went on for a while and he didn't listen to me saying to stop so in the end I pretended I was asleep and just lay silent and floppy. He still carried on for a bit but then stopped and went to the toilet. I'm guessing to have a wank.
When he was in the bathroom my youngest came in as she does most nights and I brought her into bed with me. We do this every night as she wakes alot so if she wakes for second or third time I just bring her in with me and he sleeps in her bed. He came back from the toilet and I could feel him just stood there looking at us but I had my eyes closed so don't know how his face looked but he just stood there for a while and I felt like he was angry but I don't know. Then that's it he went into her room.
I have a lump in my throat writing this as I know he shouldn't do that.
Then I'm thinking of yesterday when we went out for a walk and he was grumpy and snappy and shout at home then out and about he was the nicest and so chatty and lovely with everyone and everyone we meet even if they know both of us they kind of talk to my husband and not me and everyone loves him. I know that sounds wierd but it really is true and our childminder always talks about how lucky I am to have him and that when she sees him something in her feels so proud and that she would love her daughter to bring home a man like him and just so many people absolutely adhore him. Also friends I've spoken to about this have dismissed it and said I should be flattered etc
Its just really hard as 8 have one half of my brain who agrees with everyone on here and the other half that hears everyone in real. Life and feels I'm overreacting and that surely people in my life can maybe see things better than people I don't know who can't really see our relationship. No offense to everyone I just mean that seeing the relationship and seeing my husband for real nught change everything.

OP posts:
Itsthewhitehat · 11/12/2022 07:45

everyone in real life knows he is a rapist and is continuing to sexually assault you?

Shoxfordian · 11/12/2022 07:47

He’s sexually assaulted you again
Anyone who excuses this is probably in an equally abusive relationship

Would you want your daughter to be with a man like this?

BadNomad · 11/12/2022 07:48

I think it helps to think of your daughter when considering how someone treats you. She will grow to be a young woman too one day. What would you say to her if she told you her partner does those things to her? Would you tell her she should be flattered to be molested in her own bed at night?

Chickencuddle · 11/12/2022 07:57

No two friends I spoke to about it didn't blink. One said it was very flattering. The other said I should make a schedual to give him sex regularly and stick to it so he doesn't go wanting. I live in a very Catholic area and think this could contribute to the way people think I've noticed alot of people think pleasing the man and being there for your man is so important even if he treats you like shit.
I've not spoken to anyone about it since I left almost 2 years ago. Because I feel like I'll just be the bad guy or people will think I'm exaggerating.

OP posts:
OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 11/12/2022 08:03

Chickencuddle · 11/12/2022 07:57

No two friends I spoke to about it didn't blink. One said it was very flattering. The other said I should make a schedual to give him sex regularly and stick to it so he doesn't go wanting. I live in a very Catholic area and think this could contribute to the way people think I've noticed alot of people think pleasing the man and being there for your man is so important even if he treats you like shit.
I've not spoken to anyone about it since I left almost 2 years ago. Because I feel like I'll just be the bad guy or people will think I'm exaggerating.

Make a schedule???
No way

If you don't want to do it then just don't do it full stop!!!

DrMarciaFieldstone · 11/12/2022 08:11

Chickencuddle · 11/12/2022 07:57

No two friends I spoke to about it didn't blink. One said it was very flattering. The other said I should make a schedual to give him sex regularly and stick to it so he doesn't go wanting. I live in a very Catholic area and think this could contribute to the way people think I've noticed alot of people think pleasing the man and being there for your man is so important even if he treats you like shit.
I've not spoken to anyone about it since I left almost 2 years ago. Because I feel like I'll just be the bad guy or people will think I'm exaggerating.

This isn’t normal, OP. It’s not the fifties.

It’s not flattering, it’s abuse.

beastlyslumber · 11/12/2022 08:46

Everyone loves him because he puts on a front with them. It's a way of controlling you and making you think you're crazy. Meanwhile he is brutally sexually abusing you. He is a rapist and an abuser. He's not going to stop.

You don't have to convince others. You just have to protect yourself and your kids.

Your kids are not safe. Please get out of there as quickly and as safely as you can.