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Original poster

Who is in the wrong? Fight in front of DC

634 replies

SmashedPots · 22/11/2022 07:57

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible and want honest opinions

DC (3) still has tantrums. Every morning it's hard to get him ready. He was playing with playdoh and he was half dressed. Before he put his jumper on he said "more playdoh mummy". I had got some out and it was on the side. He did already have some in his hands.

DH comes downstairs to take DC to school. DH says "no more playdoh. We are going now"

Tantrum starts. It's a bad one. DC shouting a lot "more playdoh etc etc"

I say under my breath to DH "he could have just had that playdoh you know. I did get it out for him"

DH shouts "fuck you. Fuck off undermining me like always"

DC stops tantrum as soon as DH shouts at me and starts shouting at DH "stop fighting"

I say "calm down DH. Stop shouting in front of DC"

He keeps shouting

I say "you're less in control of your emotions that DS"

DH grabs the pot of play-doh (which he had put on a high shelf" and throws it really hard at the floor right in front of DS.

I tell DH to get out.

DH shouts "you fucking made this happen. Undermining me as fucking usual. This is your fault."

I haven't raised my voice once but DH tells me I've got that "look on my face"

My poor baby boy.

It lasted 5 mins in total. They have now left and I have to get ready for work with the baby.

Was I undermining? Is this abusive? I can't think straight these days.

OP posts:
SheWoreYellow · 22/11/2022 08:00

Play doh before school sounds like a really bad idea so I can see why DH was irritated in the first place. But you didn’t undermine him, as DS didn’t hear. DH’s reaction is awful. No excuse for that.

MandaLynn · 22/11/2022 08:02

SheWoreYellow · 22/11/2022 08:00

Play doh before school sounds like a really bad idea so I can see why DH was irritated in the first place. But you didn’t undermine him, as DS didn’t hear. DH’s reaction is awful. No excuse for that.

Absolutely.

The comment under your breath was perhaps a bit passive aggressive. But obviously still didn't warrant that reaction from DH

MelchiorsMistress · 22/11/2022 08:03

You did undermine him, and he completely lost his temper. His reactions are entirely his responsibility, but you did poke the bear at a bad time.

If your DH was about to leave the house did he not want ds to take play dough in the car or something? Just wondering because I would have said no to that too. Play dough is for on the table, not while we’re wandering about getting dressed.

ItsTheSmallThings · 22/11/2022 08:03

DH should not of shouted and swore, but it's so hard with constant toddler tantrums.

Does he usually respond like this or was it a one off??

I don't think either of you where right / wrong in terms if the playdough I think you are both just stressed and this makes relationships hard and stressful. If you called him when he calmed down would he be open to talk about things??

Pippylongstock · 22/11/2022 08:03

His behaviour was way over the line and completely disproportionate to the situation

Maray1967 · 22/11/2022 08:04

You didn’t undermine him in the sense that DC didn’t hear and DH reaction is unacceptable.

But - playdoh before nursery is really not a good idea. You need to agree on a morning routine that gets DC up, fed and dressed and off to nursery without activities that are messy and hard to get him away from.

ExplainUnderstand · 22/11/2022 08:04

Getting the playdoh out before school is ridiculous and you did undermine DH.

His reaction is way OTT, but if he gets undermined regularly, I can see how he might reach breaking point at a time when everyone's under pressure to get out the door.

IntrovertedPenguin · 22/11/2022 08:04

You did undermine him and was passive aggressive yourself. Play doh before school sounds like a terrible idea.
You are both in the wrong.

SheWoreYellow · 22/11/2022 08:05

ItsTheSmallThings · 22/11/2022 08:03

DH should not of shouted and swore, but it's so hard with constant toddler tantrums.

Does he usually respond like this or was it a one off??

I don't think either of you where right / wrong in terms if the playdough I think you are both just stressed and this makes relationships hard and stressful. If you called him when he calmed down would he be open to talk about things??

Did you see the OPs comment was under her breath - not audible to the child?

And the husband shouted, swore and threw a tub?

How is any of that justified?

Lavenderfowl · 22/11/2022 08:07

The play doh is irrelevant, as is your concern about undermining your DH.

his behaviour - losing his temper and shouting and swearing - is unacceptable and abusive. And to do it in front if the DC is unforgivable abuse, of both of you.

does your DH have form for such abusive behaviour?

Original poster
SmashedPots · 22/11/2022 08:07

He's 3. He wakes up at 5.45am most mornings. DH comes downstairs at 7.30am to leave at 7.35am. DS is on ASD referral path and playdoh keeps him calm, normally. We have nearly 2 hours between waking and leaving. I do need to get the morning routine better but it's hard with 3 Yr old, 1 Yr old and I have to go to work too.

OP posts:
Pinniepotter · 22/11/2022 08:07

He was in the wrong. 100%. Regardless of his feelings he needs to keep control and not shout and swear. What stopped him just gently verbalising his frustration? Or raising it later?

ThatshallotBaby · 22/11/2022 08:08

I think dh was completely out of order. Poor you and ds. I think you’ve got to swallow the whale and try and talk to him if you can. Try and get through this. His behaviour was really not ok.

PickySlackTastic · 22/11/2022 08:08

His reaction was awful.

But muttering under your breath was not good. It’s morning, he has to take tantruming dc to school, he doesn’t want him to have more play doh.

OldReliable · 22/11/2022 08:08

There's no excuse for what he did at all. Throwing something at your child? Fuck that. That would be the end of the relationship for me.

Fireflygal · 22/11/2022 08:09

DH comes downstairs to take DC to school. DH says "no more playdoh. We are going now

This sounds reasonable to me and at that stage you should have supported him. I think you should gave been aware of the time as well.

It is extremely stressful getting dc out in the morning and did you lose track of time and not realise it was close to leaving time?

Your comment wasn't helpful and your dh overreacted.

OldReliable · 22/11/2022 08:09

SmashedPots · 22/11/2022 08:07

He's 3. He wakes up at 5.45am most mornings. DH comes downstairs at 7.30am to leave at 7.35am. DS is on ASD referral path and playdoh keeps him calm, normally. We have nearly 2 hours between waking and leaving. I do need to get the morning routine better but it's hard with 3 Yr old, 1 Yr old and I have to go to work too.

So between 5.45 and 7.30 you're doing everything? While your husband is just getting his lazy self ready?

7Worfs · 22/11/2022 08:10

Your DH is a terrible role model and I dare say, probably a shitty, impatient father.

He needs to allow more time to getting DS ready to leave without causing a tantrum - children faff around and hurrying them up just doesn’t always work.

IntrovertedPenguin · 22/11/2022 08:12

Why is no one addressing op being passive aggressive? It's most likely that comment that caused him to loose his s.
Any of you would be angry too if your partner undermined you and was aggressive under their breath in your earshot too.

Yes he was wrong to throw it, but cmon. Op isn't innocent here either.

MustBeTrueThen · 22/11/2022 08:12

DH was in the wrong for carrying on like a spoilt brat.

Sounds like there could be ongoing issues of you both having different views in front of the children if he is saying "like you always do", so not sure if we are seeing the full picture here.

It was undermining him, but his response is over the top and pathetic.

SheWoreYellow · 22/11/2022 08:14

IntrovertedPenguin · 22/11/2022 08:12

Why is no one addressing op being passive aggressive? It's most likely that comment that caused him to loose his s.
Any of you would be angry too if your partner undermined you and was aggressive under their breath in your earshot too.

Yes he was wrong to throw it, but cmon. Op isn't innocent here either.

I noticed that in the OP but still think it doesn’t justify swearing, shouting and throwing things in front of the child.

In private it’s two adults and up to them, but in front of a child you hold it together.

ThereishopeafterAll · 22/11/2022 08:14

If it wasn't playdoh it would have been something else right? I understand you were letting him play with his toy to keep him calm so you could get the jumper on. We have this in my house all the time - husband makes an arbitrary rule that causes drama, whereas I pick my battles for a simple and calm life.

However, his behaviour was abusive and he's modeling exactly what he doesn't want your son to do, whilst making it impossible for your son to co-regulate.

I have been the child begging daddy to stop shouting at mummy and to stop throwing things. You can imagine where that escalated to by the time I was a teenager. Please seek help to stop your child growing up the way I did.

Stressedmum2017 · 22/11/2022 08:14

You are both in the wrong. Playdoh before school, before he is even dressed is just silly, he was in the right to say come on, school. Then the passive aggressive undermining yeah I can see exactly why your dh got pissed off with you, then if you do this sort of thing regularly that's what probably made him overreact the way he did. Which he still shouldn't have done at all. You both need to grow up or split up for the sake of your child.

OneFrenchEgg · 22/11/2022 08:15

Our relationship was like this during the hideous teen years. One pro discipline one pro talking it out . Neither of us was totally right and the financial stress, teen stress, poor health stress made for a terrible couple of years. It's very hard when you don't parent the same.

lap90 · 22/11/2022 08:16

He shouldn't have reacted like that. Sounds like his feelings of being undermined by you have been brewing?