Who is in the wrong? Fight in front of DC

[SmashedPots]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible and want honest opinions

DC (3) still has tantrums. Every morning it's hard to get him ready. He was playing with playdoh and he was half dressed. Before he put his jumper on he said "more playdoh mummy". I had got some out and it was on the side. He did already have some in his hands.

DH comes downstairs to take DC to school. DH says "no more playdoh. We are going now"

Tantrum starts. It's a bad one. DC shouting a lot "more playdoh etc etc"

I say under my breath to DH "he could have just had that playdoh you know. I did get it out for him"

DH shouts "fuck you. Fuck off undermining me like always"

DC stops tantrum as soon as DH shouts at me and starts shouting at DH "stop fighting"

I say "calm down DH. Stop shouting in front of DC"

He keeps shouting

I say "you're less in control of your emotions that DS"

DH grabs the pot of play-doh (which he had put on a high shelf" and throws it really hard at the floor right in front of DS.

I tell DH to get out.

DH shouts "you fucking made this happen. Undermining me as fucking usual. This is your fault."

I haven't raised my voice once but DH tells me I've got that "look on my face"

My poor baby boy.

It lasted 5 mins in total. They have now left and I have to get ready for work with the baby.

Was I undermining? Is this abusive? I can't think straight these days.

Keep posting OP.

He's trying everything in the book to get you back in control.

I wouldn't say another word to him about the divorce process or custody.

He'll just use it against you.

If he knows you fear him having 50/50 custody he'll zero in on that fear.
The truth is men like him never want 50/50 except for financial reasons. Having the DC 50/50 would cramp his selfish lazy lifestyle.

It's great you're getting counseling. Also see a couple solicitors to find out your rights.

You don't have to accept cuddles or chats from this asshat.

I agree with PPs that he is testing different forms of abusive behaviour to find your Achilles heel.

The more you grey rock, the more he feels his control over you slipping away. Keep it up x

Yes, I agree with everyone.

Keep grey rocking.
Do your own thing.
Get things moving for your divorce.

To be honest he sounds like he needs some immediate medical/therapeutic intervention

@YRGAM Being an arsehole isn't usually an illness.

No drama today. He cooked roast. Played hide and seek with DS. Lots of "I love family time" chat.

He said tonight that from now on he will "take a step back with DS. its all very well to say don't lose your temper but its not that easy so I will just remove myself from the room if DS becomes difficult". So that's his plan. I agreed.

He is a real misogynist you know. Mocked a female police officer on the TV by flapping his arms. Made a joke I should hide my tampons as its gross to have to see.

I did see it before if I'm honest but was in denial.

I will continue with the plan. I only say long term because I want to protect my kids and I need to work out if he can possibly take them away from me. On paper there is no obvious main carer if that makes sense as I work more than him even though I do more childcare too but that's hard to prove so I need advice on what I need to do I think

Thank you all for checking in. You've no idea how helpful this thread is at keeping my head screwed on.

Please see a solicitor ASAP

Sorry you are going through all this op, can I just tentatively suggest from a couple of things you’ve said here that you check he hasn’t found you on here and read this thread. Are you logged in from a device he definitely doesn’t have access to? Does he know you use mumsnet? Do you need to change your password maybe.

“Remember to tell you little divorce group you will join…” and the sudden about turn in his shitholery seems to suggest he’s realised (or read on here) that you have had it with his crap and manipulation.

Really hope not, as clearly you are getting some great advice and serious support here, but I’d hate to think he might be spying in, so to speak. Good luck op, he’s an arsehole, and you most definitely are not💐

So agreee with this.

A highly abusive nasty excuse of a man desperately trying to get you back in his control.

He senses that you are finally joining the dots and the scales are falling from your eyes.

He knows that you are really seeing him and what an abusive arsehole.

He is scared now that he knows you can see him.

Hence his offer to step away.
All fear.

I really agree with above.
Get organised.
Keep careful notes of his behaviour.
Flag the behaviour with both GP and HV.
A paper trail may be useful.

Please call Womens aid for exact advice on how best to proceed.

We are here for you.
Take care.

i was on the thread much earlier and just came by as I saw there had been a flurry of posts in the past few days.
couldn’t get past the comment about driving, don’t get distracted like you do.
what an absolute fucking prick. Talk about undermining and trying to bash your self esteem.
tosser.

good luck with the long game op
my best advice is to see a solicitor for advice. You don’t have to do anything with that information, it’s just fact finding, that’s all. It will put you in a better position to understand the house situation better. He will at some point start talking rubbish about what you’d get etc, so knowing what the legal side actually is, is very useful to help it wash over.
it feels scary but you don’t have to do anything with that information, you aren’t starting divorce. Just checking where you would stand.

Keep posting Op. if you feel strong enough, see a solicitor to get things clear in your head. Start squirreling some cash. (Eg get £50 cash back at supermarket)
Take a photo of all bank statements etc, insurance policies, ISA etc

Play sweet whilst you get your ducks in a row.

. But DO NOT believe a word he says, he is trying to break you.

Don't fall for it. I am genuinely worried for you.

We are here.

Ps.

I suspect love bombing will come next. This is text book abusers rule book. Then he will ramp up the nasty again. Be prepared.

He may threaten 50:50 but he won't want the work that involves. He can't even be arsed to get up at 7am to help.

If he prattles on about 50;50 say how great that will be as you'll get so much more time for yourself and you're looking forward to going on dates and girl nights out.

OP, you must get proper legal advice re the situation with the children asap. Don't base any decisions at all on random people on MN telling you that "he'll never go for 50:50" (I know these comments are well intentioned, but none of us knows what he will try to do, or what he will want to do when it comes to it). Given that you are the main earner, he could well try to argue that this means he's the primary caregiver, especially when this is pointed out to him by any solicitor whom he might instruct. Carry on grey rocking (it is the only way), but please, please get legal advice. I did this well ahead of telling my husband I was leaving him because he was an abusive swine.

He's really messing with me. This morning sent me old pictures of me and DS, made me something for lunch and put it in the fridge before he left for work, messaged me saying how much he loved me and the kids.

I went on a primary school open day today.

Started talking to DH this evening about the SEN support available (I've done all the research and visits) and he got his phone out to look at tiktok while I was mid sentence. I kept talking like an idiot. University challenge was on in the background and he then called out the answer and laughed on my face.

I stopped talking

And he sneered at me like he does said "here we go"

Gone back to not talking much. I just thought he might care what school our ASD son goes to. He makes me feel so small.

He never engages on the big stuff. He refused to look at houses or mortgages when we bought our home - said he found it to stressful and was "more my bag". The first night we moved in he turned me to and told me I'd chosen the wrong house

I keep reading stuff on twitter about mums who have lost their kids to lying dickhead dad's who somehow persuade courts they are the more stable parent. I have no trust in the system at all.

I just wish he would fuck off so much but he's never going to. He likes his life with me doing everything and him telling me I'm doing it wrong .

He is so awful.

Could you reduce your hours on a trial basis to a 9 day fortnight? I'm thinking to position yourself better as primary carer? Also in the future to ensure you could do 2 school pick ups per week.

Write a diary of what time you get up and go to bed and what care you provide versus him.

He sounds horrible, op. I think you should make plans to leave. I’d be amazed if he went for 50-50 but like pp said it might be worth keeping a record of everything you do and he doesn’t do.

“He's really messing with me.” - 100%.

You are living through a difficult period but just keep in mind that it won’t always be like this. You will be free of him and his day to day headfucks. It will be so much easier to deal with him when you can confine your conversations to emails and text messages.

Sometimes the legal system does get things wrong but it’s less likely to happen if you get legal advice before doing anything. I am a lawyer and know some great divorce lawyers - PM me if you want recommendations.

Speaking to the school, health visitor and your GP puts his behaviour all on record and makes it less likely that he will be the resident parent. You have time to build a record of his behaviour without ever mentioning it to him.

“He likes his life with me doing everything and him telling me I'm doing it wrong” - he will like his life a lot less when you’re not cooking for him, doing his laundry or asking for his help or opinion in respect of your DC. The day is coming when you will have your ducks in a row and feel strong enough to disengage.

You will get through this OP and you have your “little divorce group” to listen and sound off to along the way.

Stop engaging with him - on any level. It's futile and such a waste of energy.

He isn't remotely interested, not even in his own children.

I urge you to get legal advice ASAP - without his knowledge obviously. Please please do this.

And he sneered at me like he does said "here we go"

He's really trying to wind you up OP. What an arsehole.

I look forward to seeing you come out the other side. xx

Stop doing anything for him. Grey rock him. Don't talk to him unless there's no other option and don't get sucked in by him pretending to be nice. He's fucking with your head.

@SmashedPots i was thinking about you earlier and just wanted to highlight that you have made it through another week.

Have you started narrowing down primary school choices? Shout here if you want to talk through options and your DH is not engaging. I have been to a few open days and it’s so hard to know what is the right decision and it can be helpful to bounce off ideas. Still some time to decide though before the application deadline.

I think choosing a school is the least of OP's worries at the minute.

Thank you @Mumsanetta I saw one primary this week that was so good, the head was so supportive non judgemental. Lots of SEN support. She said all the right stuff and I just felt would be a great fit. Not my nearest school though so who knows I stand a chance

Latest problem is DS has started to refuse to go to the loo for poos. He's 3.5. He's been potty trained for months and now just keeps going in his pants. Sorry TMI. But yeah DH has been on best behaviour, he would like to get v angry about it but is trying to stay calm.

DH laying on all the "christmas is a time for family, I'm so lucky to have you" stuff. Spent this evening decorating and putting on Xmas music. Like a different man.