Who is in the wrong? Fight in front of DC

[SmashedPots]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible and want honest opinions

DC (3) still has tantrums. Every morning it's hard to get him ready. He was playing with playdoh and he was half dressed. Before he put his jumper on he said "more playdoh mummy". I had got some out and it was on the side. He did already have some in his hands.

DH comes downstairs to take DC to school. DH says "no more playdoh. We are going now"

Tantrum starts. It's a bad one. DC shouting a lot "more playdoh etc etc"

I say under my breath to DH "he could have just had that playdoh you know. I did get it out for him"

DH shouts "fuck you. Fuck off undermining me like always"

DC stops tantrum as soon as DH shouts at me and starts shouting at DH "stop fighting"

I say "calm down DH. Stop shouting in front of DC"

He keeps shouting

I say "you're less in control of your emotions that DS"

DH grabs the pot of play-doh (which he had put on a high shelf" and throws it really hard at the floor right in front of DS.

I tell DH to get out.

DH shouts "you fucking made this happen. Undermining me as fucking usual. This is your fault."

I haven't raised my voice once but DH tells me I've got that "look on my face"

My poor baby boy.

It lasted 5 mins in total. They have now left and I have to get ready for work with the baby.

Was I undermining? Is this abusive? I can't think straight these days.

If he's only been trained for a matter of months then regressions can happen. Hopefully you will be able to keep things calm and that includes your husband.

@pointythings DH thinks DS is doing on purpose to "wind me up". But I've told him I'm handling it and he's stayed away. Which is good because I keep things calm. Less good that I'm always the one dealing with shit....quite literally!

@SmashedPots it is far more likely that the regression is happening because your DS is very stressed, Which is on him, not you. But do keep that quiet and deal calmly. It will pass.

That sounds like an amazing school! Definitely worth putting it down as your first choice as you never know, you might get it. I am about to start working on an EHCP for my DD4 so that I can name the school I would like her to go to. It’s not easy when you already have a lot on your place but worth considering.

Regressions are normal after potty training but can also be stress related. I would mention it to your nursery, health visitor and GP that your DS has regressed a couple of weeks after an explosive outburst from your DH so that it is on the record. Also mention that your DH thinks your DS is doing it on purpose to wind him up. It will help you argue that you should be the resident parent.

Re the pooing in pants, it's likely a totally normal regression or learned behaviour at his nursery/preschool. Mine is the same age as yours and has just come out of about 2 months of the same. Lots of 1:1 work with her at preschool and home about making choices, praise when it's done on the toilet and bribes of chocolate at the end of the day when it's all gone in the right direction!

Re your DH - be careful, seems like he's love bombing or whatever its called. I wouldn't trust the behaviour.

This. Shouting, swearing, throwing things in front of kids (or at any time, really) is not ok regardless of having been 'provoked'. A lot of victim blaming on this thread.

Could you send him text updates on the SEN battles so youhave evidence that you do it all and can also show that you don't keep it all from him?

My friends showed up her ex in court when he was saying he was main carer for the children. Her lawyer asked him when shoe size they wore, when they had last visited the optician, and who was the manager of the nursery they went to. Showed him up beautifully.

Wow. Thanks @Poppinjay I didn't know they actually did things like that. I asked DH to do one thing for DS this week and he said "don't tell me now, whatapp me instructions and a reminder and I'll do it"

I actually laughed.

I am being much firmer with DH though and he keeps apologising which was v rare before.

DS gone back to using the loo properly which is such a relief.

Just got to get through christmas and then can hopefully plan a better 2023 for us

Thank you for everyone's support. This thread has been actually such a relief to come to and read when I've felt like I'm going mad

Good for you OP.