Who is in the wrong? Fight in front of DC

[SmashedPots]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible and want honest opinions

DC (3) still has tantrums. Every morning it's hard to get him ready. He was playing with playdoh and he was half dressed. Before he put his jumper on he said "more playdoh mummy". I had got some out and it was on the side. He did already have some in his hands.

DH comes downstairs to take DC to school. DH says "no more playdoh. We are going now"

Tantrum starts. It's a bad one. DC shouting a lot "more playdoh etc etc"

I say under my breath to DH "he could have just had that playdoh you know. I did get it out for him"

DH shouts "fuck you. Fuck off undermining me like always"

DC stops tantrum as soon as DH shouts at me and starts shouting at DH "stop fighting"

I say "calm down DH. Stop shouting in front of DC"

He keeps shouting

I say "you're less in control of your emotions that DS"

DH grabs the pot of play-doh (which he had put on a high shelf" and throws it really hard at the floor right in front of DS.

I tell DH to get out.

DH shouts "you fucking made this happen. Undermining me as fucking usual. This is your fault."

I haven't raised my voice once but DH tells me I've got that "look on my face"

My poor baby boy.

It lasted 5 mins in total. They have now left and I have to get ready for work with the baby.

Was I undermining? Is this abusive? I can't think straight these days.

You undermined him and were really passive aggressive, he behaved awfully. If you were keeping score, he was worse, is that any help though? It's not just his fault though, even though he was worse.

He is 100% in the wrong and i can not believe anyone is saying otherwise. It doesnt matter if you gave him playdough or muttered under ypur breath he SWORE, YELLED and THREW THINGS. Thats not a normal reaction to thie situation. Im sorry for you child seeing that.

What is all this hate towards playdoh before school? It's not cocaine you know! TV gets children stimulated and distracted too and I am sure plenty use that!

Your DH was in a mood and being a OP.

Op what on earth are you doing remaining with a man that speaks to you in such a way in front of his tiny child??

I don't even know where to start, but that level of anger, bad language is completely unacceptable.

Ignore all the troll posts, OP.

Has he acted like this before? From your updates it sounds like there's more to the story.

Your dh was bang out of order. He only had to ask dc to put down the playdoh.

You can not and should not allow your child to keep witnessing this op.

I would look to leave, it does not sound safe for you or your toddler.

How am I controlling @PeekabooAtTheZoo

DS was nearly ready. He just needed to put his jumper on. I shouldn't have said it but the health visitor has been out to help with DS and she said let him have things that keep him calm like fidget things. Playdoh was helping me and him get ready. DH doesn't do anything in the mornings. I get myself and DC and baby all ready and then go to work.

I don't see how I'm controlling. I'll take irritating or didn't pick my moment or whatever but controlling? How?

More information is needed, because this sounds like the straw that broke the camels back. His allegation that you undermined him as always suggests it’s a regular occurrence and he finally snapped this morning. If you regularly undermine him, then that’s awful and I can understand why he finally had enough.

But doesn’t justify the swearing and shouting in front of your child.

Also, is your version in the OP true? Because he went from 0 to 60 in seconds so again, either your under the breath comment was more than that or it’s a recurring theme.

He was in the wrong of course but it sounds like there is a lot going on in your family. I think you could do with some external support - relationship counselling or support for families with children with ASD. It all puts a massive strain on you all.

MNHQ, can we have a sticky on every page of the forum that says

Troll =/= someone who thinks something different from what you think

Exactly this.

Does DH do anything in the evening/weekend? I can’t believe he doesn’t get up and help with the morning routine when you have 2 young children and both of you work and need to be out of the house

Your child is nervous because it is terrifying living there with a father that blows up out of the blue, he is three years old, he is tiny.

You are right to come on here, and right to look for support, do you have anyone in real life you can talk to about this op?
I am sorry you are going through this. This is NOT your fault, and you deserve to be loved and supported and not screamed and sworn at.

DH is crying because he is knows he has massively overstepped and this is abuse, but I don't suppose that will stop him given the number of times this has already happened op.

This is exactly correct. The score keeping is rank and not at all helpful for your children.

Vipers is another one. You’re either a viper or a troll if you have a different opinion that suggests the OP may be in the wrong.

My dad has asd and telling him at age 3 that what he's doing stops now with no warning would lead to a monumental melt down.

You know what time he needs to leave so should be preparing him for what will happen. This is possibly all new to you if he'snot diagnosed yet, so let me give you a few ideas: look up visual time tables. You can make you're own versions do he can see what is happening now and next ("you can have playdoh now, next will be putting on shoes" etc through each step. Sounds arduous and it is, but he can't handle sudden changes with no warning). I recommend getting a sand timer from amazon. It can be used to count down to the change of an activity: "when the sand is all at the bottom, it is time to stop play doh."

Regardless of that, your dh sounds like a neanderthal and a bully. He clearly thinks being a man/dad is shorthand for "everyone shut up and obey me". Perhaps he can learn and improve if he's willing. Up to you if you think he can and it's worth waiting for.

Is 'undermining constantly' really a fair thing to accuse OP of?

It seems to me that the father in the family spends his his time pleasing himself, staying in bed etc while OP is up early with the children.

He then comes down with 5 minutes until he wants to leave and expects everyone to jump into line and be on perfect behaviour for him to proceed with his day as planned.

Fair enough if he was a sergeant in the army and had ordered his deputy to get to platoon ready for a 7.35 departure. Not fair enough as an equal partner and parent.

It's like men accusing women of nagging when they constantly ask men to pick wet towels off the floor, put their dirty cups in the dishwasher. Women wouldn't need to 'nag' hate that misogynistic word if the men acted like real humans and didn't leave crap all over the place.

The mum clearly has a system and a process to manage her DC. Maybe the father should work on his own system and contribute towards parenting to earn the right to be undermined. You can't just come along with 5 minutes to go, bark orders at people,and then complain when you're quietly informed that your orders go against the grain of the day so far.

Your dh needs to get his lazy arse out of bed earlier and help look after his children. Maybe then he'd understand why you give him the play doh.

Husband sounds like a cock.
Undermining. It's a toddler and playdoh ffs. He is likely stressed about have a toddler and the mayhem they bring and about having a child on the pathway.
But he needs to own that and sort out his shit.

My ds has asd!! Not my dad, although...

Playing with play doh before getting dressed on a school day is asking for trouble. I'm with dh on this but reacting like that wasn't the way to deal with it. I'm getting the vibe that you think you're the better parent.

I think the posts declaring the OP "really controlling" and "constantly undermining" when she's clearly upset and looking for some guidance on the situation constitutes trolling.

@BloodAndFire how am I keeping score?

My gut is telling me to leave DH. That he can't control his temper. My head is telling me I was a dick, DH is stressed, stay and make it work

I've come on the Internet to get opinions because I feel conflicted. I'm not point scoring. I can see that I'm in the wrong too.

Yes - as I said above, you don't understand what the word 'troll' means.