Who is in the wrong? Fight in front of DC

[SmashedPots]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible and want honest opinions

DC (3) still has tantrums. Every morning it's hard to get him ready. He was playing with playdoh and he was half dressed. Before he put his jumper on he said "more playdoh mummy". I had got some out and it was on the side. He did already have some in his hands.

DH comes downstairs to take DC to school. DH says "no more playdoh. We are going now"

Tantrum starts. It's a bad one. DC shouting a lot "more playdoh etc etc"

I say under my breath to DH "he could have just had that playdoh you know. I did get it out for him"

DH shouts "fuck you. Fuck off undermining me like always"

DC stops tantrum as soon as DH shouts at me and starts shouting at DH "stop fighting"

I say "calm down DH. Stop shouting in front of DC"

He keeps shouting

I say "you're less in control of your emotions that DS"

DH grabs the pot of play-doh (which he had put on a high shelf" and throws it really hard at the floor right in front of DS.

I tell DH to get out.

DH shouts "you fucking made this happen. Undermining me as fucking usual. This is your fault."

I haven't raised my voice once but DH tells me I've got that "look on my face"

My poor baby boy.

It lasted 5 mins in total. They have now left and I have to get ready for work with the baby.

Was I undermining? Is this abusive? I can't think straight these days.

Hate people using that sort of language in front of children , so unnecessary.

OP gave her DS the play doh before her DH came in and threw his weight around. That's not undermining him, it's simply using bribery to get him dressed rather than shouting.

Your DH is a terrible parent for an ASD child (and pretty terrible all round) no wonder he's having tantrums if he's being shouted to do things with no warning. A decent parent would have said "let's put it in this pot now, so we know where it is after nursery..." or something.

Your husband needs to help more on a morning, he comes down and wants to leave within five mins, maybe it would all be a bit smoother if he pitched in.

Totally unreasonable for him to have sworn and thrown the tub, no excuse for that. I hope he's ashamed of himself and apologises.

If your 3 year old is telling you to "stop fighting", would I be right in thinking its not the first time this has happened? If this happened in our house (something my 3 year old has never experienced before), he'd be terrified. He doesn't even know the word fighting

He is completely in the wrong. Your son is up for 2.5 hours and playdoh keeps him calm. If he doesn't like him using it then maybe he should get up and entertain him.

Yes it was maybe annoying of you to say that he could have kept the playdoh (dont really understand if you were saying he should take it in the car, if he should have had it in his hand when he was trying to get dressed, which would have made your husbands life harder and I can see why this would annoy him. Or if it was in a pot he can't open in which case ok).

But it isnt 'undermining' if your child can't hear you say it, its disagreement on parenting styles (although saying it in the moment especially when it's a tantrum may not be the most helpful).

Fundamentally though it's never ever acceptable to yell and swear at you. Especially in front of your child. And it's never ever ok to throw something. Both of these are aggressive and abusive behaviours. The posters saying you were both in the wrong are victim blaming - you might have been a bit irritating but his behaviours are disproportionate to the situation and being a bit irritating doesn't justify being aggressive and abusive towards your partner.

I'm assuming this isnt the first time this has happened either.

And it wasnt a fight, a fight is two people giving as good as they get. From what you've written it was one comment followed by a tirade of abuse

Both wrong, I think, but he went way too far.

There is no justification for his reaction: the level of swearing and anger was inappropriate.

You both should not be fighting in front of your child like this, no matter how stressed you might both be.

I would be very careful if I were you and keep an eye on whether this was just a one off outburst or the start of more abusive behaviour.

Your DH’s reaction was awful

Mornings are always stressful when trying to get everyone out of the door. How much does DH contribute to the morning routine?

Do you undermine him? You need to be on the same page especially if you are going to have SEN in the mix

100% his fault

“Undermining me” is always the resort of men when they are being over harsh with DC and not thinking strategically, when they are in fact bullying children.

The words “undermining me” are a massive red flag in my book.

He was incredibly wrong for swearing but you should not allow your child to be arsing about with playdoh while he should be getting ready for school. Show some authority.

This too

Is this abusive? I can't think straight these days

Is there something else going on in your relationship? Your comment here that you can't think straight these days? That feeling of confusion can be a red flag.

He lost his sh!t because of his precious ego. Women are not responsible for the rage of men.

Poor kid. I still remember the one argument I witnessed between my parents when I was 4.

DS is 3. He's not even at proper school. He's at pre school and he struggles there. We play in the mornings before he goes and I go to work. DH lies in bed and gets himself ready. He's talked about coming downstairs at 7 to help but it never happens

In a way I feel I was undermined. Me and DS were having a lovely calm morning, playing with play-doh, having some toast and I was slowly getting him dressed and ready.

DH comes downstairs and starts throwing his weight around. DC has tantrum. Suddenly while morning is ruined. I'm so upset. DS was so happy all morning and we were talking about pre school and needing to listen etc and it was a good morning until DH showed up 2 mins before he needs to leave

Does DH do any early mornings? Is he accepting of DS’s possible diagnosis?

I have a son with asd he needs space between morning tasks. So he has a bit of time to chill. He 7 now and it takes about 90 min. If you were managing the situation your dh doesn't need to come in and lay down the law. And you both need to be on same page. Also shouting and swearing is unacceptable.

You’re both being unreasonable. Why did you keep trying to control him after he first responded? Every single thing you said was controlling and undermining. Why do you assume your child didn’t hear you but that your DH did? His explosion was bang out of order but from what you were both saying it seems really clear that you have to keep pushing and pushing until DH does what you want and this time he snapped.

You sound really controlling and his response is a reaction and now you stand back, point to him and say to strangers on the internet, “see what he does?”

Neither of you centered the child you both just wanted to be right.

But if it was 2 mins before he needed to leave then playing with playdoh and not being ready yes is a massive problem

Oh DH knows he's in the wrong. In the 7 years we have been together he's apologised less than 5 times. He just text me apologising and saying he's crying at work.

I'm ashamed. It's really hard with DS. But we manage just fine me, DC and the baby. DH can be so loving but there is something mean about him when he's frustrated. Even before the shouting the tone of "you won't be having any blooyd playdoh again son" - so unnecessary. Honestly if I'm pandering to my DS then so be it - he's a nervous kid who struggles with other people, he needs me to be gentle

Your husband's reaction was bang out of order. Completely OTT and unacceptable to lose your shit like that.

However you did make that little pass-agg dig at a time of high stress and you couldn't have designed it better to goad someone into losing their shit.

He still shouldn't have lost his shit and to be clear he was much much more in the wrong for that, and he needs to have a word with himself about self-control. But as you're the one reading this thread, it'd be good to bear in mind that pass-agg digs never help a stressful situation.

6 of one half a dozen of the other.

I would be annoyed if someone undermined me constantly too but obviously shouting and swearing is unacceptable. I would acknowledge his feelings but tell him you won't be spoken to like that and he needs to apologise to ds too. Then work out a way to move forwards.

Wow that is absolutely dreadful!

Fancy telling your wife to fuck off over that??! Totally abusive. Sounds like my first husband! Now ex.

Your son should not have to listen to that.

My son has autism and attends a specialist school and life can be really difficult at times but you have to learn to shrug stuff off and not get stressed. In our house dh would have just let dc have the play doh and would playfully roll his eyes at me and we’d laugh about it.

People are addressing it, but surely you can see the difference I'm scale between a passive aggressive mutter and losing your temper, shouting fuck at the other parent in front of a 3 year old, ignoring them and continuing to shout when the child has expressed upset and asked you to stop, and then an adult man in a clear rage throwing something so it landed at a 3 year oldest feet?

One is minor level shitty behaviour which is understandable at 7.30 am, especially after having been up woth 2 small children solo for nearly 2 hours. The other is the act of an abusive arsehole. Completely different actions.

OP if this is normal for your partner then LTB

If this is a one off then he needs explaining in clear terms that he must never act like this again or he will be out immediately. So harmful to everyone involved.

It was 2 minutes before the husband needed to leave and he was expecting a toddler (and a toddler with suspected SEN) to drop everything and be ready when his dad was. His dad who does nothing in the morning to mitigate this and when called out becomes abusive...

But yeh, its the OP to blame 🙄