Who is in the wrong? Fight in front of DC

[SmashedPots]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible and want honest opinions

DC (3) still has tantrums. Every morning it's hard to get him ready. He was playing with playdoh and he was half dressed. Before he put his jumper on he said "more playdoh mummy". I had got some out and it was on the side. He did already have some in his hands.

DH comes downstairs to take DC to school. DH says "no more playdoh. We are going now"

Tantrum starts. It's a bad one. DC shouting a lot "more playdoh etc etc"

I say under my breath to DH "he could have just had that playdoh you know. I did get it out for him"

DH shouts "fuck you. Fuck off undermining me like always"

DC stops tantrum as soon as DH shouts at me and starts shouting at DH "stop fighting"

I say "calm down DH. Stop shouting in front of DC"

He keeps shouting

I say "you're less in control of your emotions that DS"

DH grabs the pot of play-doh (which he had put on a high shelf" and throws it really hard at the floor right in front of DS.

I tell DH to get out.

DH shouts "you fucking made this happen. Undermining me as fucking usual. This is your fault."

I haven't raised my voice once but DH tells me I've got that "look on my face"

My poor baby boy.

It lasted 5 mins in total. They have now left and I have to get ready for work with the baby.

Was I undermining? Is this abusive? I can't think straight these days.

It does NOT matter if op has been undermining or anything else.

No one deserves to be shouted at and sworn at
No one deserves to be afriad
No one wants their babies and children witnessing such aggression

The reason, I suspect why op muttered under her breath was that she was too afraid to say it aloud. He was being entirely unreasonable.

Please ignore some of the posts that seem to be glazing over what has actually happened here. You need support urgently op.

@SmashedPots
Has this sort of thing happened before? Do you feel you could talk to him without him getting defensive?

This sounds like an abusive household OP. I don’t believe for one moment this is the first time he’s shouted obscenities or thrown things. Every one of these arguments will be damaging your children’s mental health. So I would strongly advise you have a hard think about staying with this man.

His behavior was abusive and dreadful. Nothing excuses swearing, shouting and throwing things. I’m amazed at some of these responses saying you were partly to blame. Your poor child was scared after having a nice morning with his mummy. I also don’t understand how you undermined him, you had already said he could have some more play doh, surely him coming downstairs and insisting he just pack up and leave is him undermining you?

Ok, this is the important point.

Your husband is
a) a lazy useless piece of shit
b) abusive
c) violent tendencies

No wonder you allow playdoh, (although I agree probs not the best idea)
anything for a bit of piece to get all of you organised.

Shouting, swearing & throwing is UNACCEPTABLE on every level.
Doing it in front of the kids even more so.

I would be telling him to sleep elsewhere for next few days whilst I had a think about the marriage.

Yes I do. A troll isn't just someone who starts fake threads for entertainment.

Deliberately posting antagonizing accusations to the OP who is simply asking for advice is trolling. Look up the definition of troll.

Agree with every word

So many women are desperate to jump to an abusive arsehole's defence. I despair

Does he lose his temper at work? With his mates? With his mum? If not, then no, he doesn’t have an anger problem - he CAN control his temper - just chooses not to for his wife and young children.

@PlainJaneSuperBrain99 has it right. He’s a bully and is abusive. It will harm both your children and you. (Also some really great advice in that post about how to help a child with ASD get move through a routine).

He's in the wrong. A minor comment like that does not warrant swearing, shouting and throwing things, not that anything does. He sounds abusive and manipulative(Telling you that he's crying at work). I doubt it's the first time he's shown his true colours. It's depressing but predictable to see so many people making excuses for him.

I am worried about you and your dc, it is not normal for any adult to throw the pot in anger, it sounds really frightening when you consider how he was swearing and shouting at you all, the pot could have hit one of the babies.

You need to ignore the less than helpful posts and get some support today.

I think the key thing is that you do know how to handle DC better and your DH isn't willing to learn to do the same or be less selfish with his time ie get up earlier to be more involved.

I also think he resents it because he knows you were in the right hence the OTT reaction.

I was quoting another poster on the score keeping, Because I thought it was a good description of the way you've posted about it.

It's pretty obvious that both of you behaved horribly and in a way that was deeply frightening and unpleasant for your very young children to witness.

It's obvious that your husband's behaviour would have been more frightening and upsetting for your children, but you also helped to create and ramp up the tension and worsen the situation.

I agree that you should separate unless you are both willing and genuinely want to work on your marriage and how you interact, because at the moment it is clearly not working at all and it's going to end up permanently damaging your kids.

It’s entirely possible that 2 things can be true at once - that your husband feels you undermine him AND that he behaves like an abusive dickhead.

I think your husband needs to do better, but you should not stay if he is in the habit of losing his temper, telling you to fuck off for minor irritations and throwing stuff in the vicinity of you or the children.

If this is anything other than a one-off then it is a pattern of escalation.

Do you have any support? Your husband's behaviour was awful, but how is he dealing with your son's ASD? Is he maybe in denial about it and channeling his anger at you?

Whatever the reason he shouldn't be shouting and swearing at you, but I'm just wondering if it's one of those days where everything just comes to a head or if it's a more regular occurrence. If my husband behaved that way to me it would be very out of character and indicative that something was going on, but your reaction suggests that it's not out of character?

Can you please take this elsewhere!
This is not the time and place for a discussion about trolls.
Here is a mother of small babies that is asking for help, and needs help.
Stop derailing.

This. Something tells me this was the straw that broke the camels back

Can you grow up? I posted 3 posts out of 91 on this thread and it was going to be my last one anyway.

You're adding to the 'derailing' yourself.

I will say from you responses here it sounds like DH can't do anything right and thats where the comment are coming from?

Its always calm and fine when its just me and DC, doesn't really sound like you want or value his input as a parent?

Of course DS is always calm and happy, he gets what he wants with you and Dad is ruing the fun by stopping the fun and taking hims to school. and telling him no, really you've stuck him in it as the one who has to be on the arse end of a tantrum on the way nursery and work.

His behaviour is absolutely not ok and extremely distressing for all of you.

I do think it would be beneficial to sit down without DC and talk about your frustrations and how you want the schedule to work taking into account DS potential additional needs. Having to be the one who enforces boundaries all the time while the other parent gets to be the fun, lets play and do playdoh at 7am parent is unfair

OP, this was upsetting to read. All I can say is that it won't get any better IME. Maybe you shouldn't have said anything at all, but you can't live your life on the basis of never saying anything in case it causes your husband to behave like this. He is a terrible role model for your children. This wasn't six of one, half a dozen of another. He was in the wrong here.

Your DH is one lazy fucker, lying in bed and getting his own precious self ready for work, while you parent two children for nearly two hours alone. Then the big I AM is ready to leave and starts shouting, swearing and throwing things. I would be throwing him - out.

Surely saying no to the playdoh after OP has already said yes is undermining the OP?

The husband doesn't help in the morning. He doesn't get to come in and take charge when it suits him.

Getting a 3 year old with ASD ready in the morning is HARD. It is a series of transitions with lots of different sensory inputs and trying to do that with a 1yo as well when you've been up since 5.30 isn't easy.

If the HV has told you to use accommodations like playdoh to get him ready then you're not unreasonable for using them - and your DH should be 100% on board with following HV advice on this. If he isn't he needs to discuss it with you out of earshot of the children and come to an agreement on alternatives. How feasible would it be to do getting dressed upstairs with the promise of playdoh when he comes down - using a now and next board, now getting dressed, next playdoh?

The DH here was absolutely out of line and yes it is abusive to shout, swear and throw things. Throwing things is intimidating behaviour and it is not okay. Statistically there is a high chance this will escalate to hitting you.

I would be leaving. Sorry OP. Keep the texts he has sent admitting it because when the crocodile tears don't work, it will be "it wasn't that bad," "I barely did anything," "you're overreacting" and "you're mentally unwell and dramatic."

If the OP has been advised to use play dough as a means of keeping her child calm whilst getting ready for nursery (a sensory need) why is it a bad thing?

For my DS it would have been a nightmare at that age as would be in his clothes, hair, carpet etc. But he didn’t need a calming toy before going to school.

Surely with a child who needs a particularly calming routine in the morning the DH (even if we can ignore his behaviour this morning) must realise that his suddenly appearing about 5 minutes before they need to be out of the house and demanding the DS be ready is not going to help, and that he needs to be part of the calming morning routine

Some people will excuse men everything it seems.
OP I have an ASD 3 year old who plays with playdoh/kinetic sand in the morning to regulate before pre school and to keep him calm in the often chaotic morning rush too (I have 2 other children to get ready for school). If my DH consistently left me to sort everyone out then came down shouting orders and rushing everyone 15 mins before he left the house I would be pretty pissed off.
Nothing justifies his reaction.

sand timers are really good for young children to visibly see how much time they have left.
countdowns and a genuine “5 minutes left” really help children manage expectations and time.
we as adults go, right, I’ll just finish this and then do that. Children haven’t learnt that.

I think he’s a complete twat for the abuse you got. But think carefully about leaving, if he’s remorseful and can work on it, it’s better than handing the kids over every other week to a frustrated inpatient man.